Interior Monologue: After the Argument

I knew it. I just knew it. Mom, out of all people, I had a feeling you wouldn’t approve. I see the way you’re walking away from me! Calm, stoic, resolute… as if it’s all up to you to decide my feelings! Ugh, if only I could walk right up to you and say “Mom, I… LOVE… HIM!” but, that would be disrespectful, and so I’ll keep my mouth shut. But, it’s still not fair! Oh, if it hadn’t have been for my sister. If she hadn’t blurted out that I had a boyfriend, then none of this would’ve happened. I knew you wouldn’t approve! I knew it! I knew it!

I was going to tell you anyway. My boyfriend and I had discussed and planned how to break the news to you. He was going to tell you personally about us. Then, you would have judged his personality before jumping to conclusions! Besides, I didn’t want your permission to love him. I didn’t want your command for me to be “just friends” with him, because, frankly, you have no say in how I feel! How dare you think that you have any say in whether I love him and whether I want to be with him! Oh, how I just want to stop you from walking out that door, and scream passionately in your face, “I LOVE HIM AND I WANT TO BE WITH HIM!”

But… you’re my mom, for Heaven’s sake! I can’t help but respect you. I couldn’t imagine actually letting you know how horrible I feel about you right now. I owe you so much of my life. You were with me every step of the way. What kind of child would toss all that care aside and reprimand her own mother? Not I, definitely not! I’m too grateful to you…

But, who am I kidding? If you loved me and knew me as much as you should, then you would understand my feelings! But you don’t! You treat me as if it’s your decision on how I live my life! Well, guess what? I love my boyfriend more than words can describe, and IU trust him with my life! And there’s nothing you, or your anal life-controlling parental bonds, can do about it!

Look, all I ask is that you let me go to the movies with him this Saturday night. And we’re not gonna be alone! His sister’s just back home from college, and she’s only staying for a little while, and she wants to meet me! She will be with us! So don’t worry! And Dad thinks my boyfriend’s fine! Ever my sister, who used to hate him, approves of him now! Even HIS parents approve of our relationship! And, what’s more, even his ex-girlfriend and my ex-boyfriends approve That’s more support than I could ever dream of! But, you, out of all people… What? Can’t I get at least some support from my very own mother? Ugh, I don’t understand you. You tell me to follow my dreams, and pursue what I want in life. What do you think I’m doing?

Oh, now I feel like crying. You’re causing me such torment. Oh, I need my boyfriend right now. I need to be in his arms. I need the tender touch of his lips on my forehead. I need his comforting words… His words! I need my cell phone! Oh, here, I need his text messages… Here we go! “Hey there. How was your day?” Aww, he’s concerned about me! He really cares! “I can’t wait to see you again, Baby.” Wow, whenever he calls me Baby, my heart skips a beat. “I love you so much.” Sigh. I love you too, Honey… Oh, what else is there? “Can you come to the movies this weekend?” …oh… I have to shut my phone. This is too painful.

See, Mom? See what you’re making me go through? He’s perfect! I’ve never met anyone so amazing! He’s everything I wanted, and I even set my standards high! Ever since my last failed relationship, which, by the way, was a total mistake on my part, I made a list of things my next boyfriend would have to be. My perfect boyfriend has to like swimming… He must have a good singing voice. Oh, that’s a tough one right there… He needs to have a good sense of humor… He must smile a lot, and usually be in a good mood… He must be sensitive, and not just out for sexual enjoyment… He must be a practicing Catholic… oh, and of course, he must be good looking… What else? Oh, I know I’m forgetting something… Oh yes! He must not be hooked on video games! Really high standards, huh? I’d like to see you find a boy my age who fits those requirements, Mom.

Well, my boyfriend goes above and beyond! I never even knew there was such a boy in this world! He’s an amazingly fast swimmer, and he’s got the body to go with it, if you know what I mean… but his passion is music! He loves singing. He’s in a boys choir! Oh, I can’t wait to buy their album! And, he even plays an instrument! And he’s good at it! Oh, you just couldn’t ask for more for your daughter, Mom. He’s perfect! But, there’s more! There hasn’t been a single time where I’ve seen him in a bad mood. It seems as if he just lights up the room with his presence. And his smile… oh, wow. Bright, shining, perfect. He just radiates kindness and carefree happiness. And he makes friends here and there like a habit! He’s just a total magnet for nice people. Who could ask for more?

It’s so hard to believe that he became single about a month ago. I mean, who would want to let him go? His ex-girlfriend was one heck on an idiot to let go of someone like him! Well, I guess I have to thank her. I mean, if they hadn’t split up, then I wouldn’t be with him right now.

Oh man, the only way to describe him is “Perfect”. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I’d be so lucky. …as a matter of fact, it actually makes me feel a bit inferior, like I don’t deserve him. I mean, he cheers me on when I swim, and praises my performance at meets, but he’s twice as fast as I am! I mean, yeah, I’m flattered, but I’m really confused. I love him so much, but I can’t help but feel like he’s lowering his standards by being with someone like me. And it’s not just in swimming. His choir recorded an album! What did my choir do? Get an average rating in a festival, that’s what we did! And he can play an instrument well, while I’ve tried and failed at learning how to play. And his kindness and sunny disposition… well, you know me, Mom. I’m emotional and moody at one moment, then loud and obnoxious the next moment! Shouldn’t my boyfriend be after someone more… well, more “Perfect”? I don’t feel worthy of his absolute perfection! He’s putting me up on a pedestal, when in reality, I should be bowing down at his feet!

…but don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying I don’t want him. I’ll never let him go! You’re just making it difficult for me to hold on! If only you’re let me go out with him… Great. It’s time for me to go to school now. Ugh, I’ll talk to you tonight… if I get the courage. Today, at Mass, I’ll pray that you’ll change your mind… please…