Jayne Ferris’s

Frankenblair Be Warned

It is a dark and stormy night, of course, and Craig works tirelessly in a rented attic-laboratory to revive his late friend Blair, who died tragically of a heart attack along with several others across the country while watching The Ring vs. The Grudge 3D. Blair is lowered into a pool of water:

Craig: I don’t know much about biology, looking back if I’d taken it it might have come in handy about now, but I have seen a lot of movies, and this should work. empties a bucket of electric eels into the water

Blair: sits bolt upright YAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! leaps from the pool, looks around and sees Craig DAMMIT CRAIG! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME?!

Craig: I brought you back to life asshole!

Blair: … huh?

Craig: you died during the movie. You had a heart attack.

Blair: … huh… remembers oh yeah! it was when both creepy girls crawled out the TV at once, well, it looked like they were crawling out the screen at me. Then they both went, like, all scary and, and, AND IT WAS TOO HORRIBLE TO REMEMBER!

Craig: … uh-huh…

Blair: … so… what now?

Craig: hmm… thinking

Blair: … waiting

later…

Craig: …

Blair: …

later still…

Craig: …

Blair: …

and even later…

Craig: …

Blair: …

Craig: Jayne, did you even write a script for this?

Jayne: Er… Is that some sort of Demonic Duck? runs away

Blair: slaps Craig stay in character and don’t talk to or scare away the author

Craig: …

Blair: …

and later still…

Blair: …

Craig: on the phone Manby?

Manby: yeah?

Craig: well, I’ve um, brought Blair back to life, and I was wondering about your views on that

Manby: …

Craig: …

Blair: …

Manby: … say what?

the next day

Blair: Craig, Craig! wake up!

Craig: huh?

Blair: check this out! lifts up the bed with Craig on it and spins it around on one finger

Craig: ah ah ah! Stop it!

Blair: puts him and the bed down sorry, but check this! punches a hole in the wall and I wasn’t even trying!

Craig: hey! This place is rented you know!

Blair: isn’t this awesome!

Craig: Blair, calm down.

Blair: no! I don’t want to! This is so cool!

Craig: Blair! This is becoming some weird Frankenstein rip-off!

Blair: this IS a Frankenstein rip-off! manically I, am, FRANKENBLAIR! lightning flashes

Craig: Frankenblair? lightning flashes frowns and looks out the window for storm clouds

Blair: yes, FRANKENBLAIR! lightning flashes

Craig: … I wish it would stop doing that… Blair, Blair? Blair! looks round and sees a Blair shaped hole in the wall Dammit!

later…

Craig: outside looking for him Blair! Blair! mobile goes off, answers yeah?

Manby: is Blair on the rampage?

Craig: probably, why?

Manby: ‘cause he’s rampaging outside my house

Craig: dammit!

later still…

Craig: arrives at Manby’s house

Blair: calls up to Manby Manby! Come down! I wanna spar!

Manby: from his window No way man! Not with superpowers!

Blair: Oh come on! I’ll go easy!

Manby: thinks about it

Craig: BLAIR!

Blair: 0.o

Craig: come back to the lab; we can fix this

Blair: fix what?! I’ve got superpowers!

Barry Stewart: rides past heh heh heh, yer mum! Oi Gregor!

Blair: Perfect! chases him

Craig: Blair! BLAIR! BL- dammit!

Manby: walks up to him so he has superpowers now?

Craig: yeah, come on, help me fix it

Manby: oh great, be the Igor to your Frankenstein?

Craig: no, the Gregor to my Frankenblair lightning flashes what’s with the lightning in the daytime? That’s a screwed up piece of plot work

Manby: slaps Craig stay in character and don’t criticise the author

that night…

The entire YPT are having a meeting aka. gangbang in the highstreet:

Blair: steps out of the darkness menacingly so, the YPT, we meet at last

Some random NED: ‘oo’re you then? W’at you playin’ at, ay?

Other NED: I’m gonnae knife yeh!

Another NED: let’s lob sum’hin’ at ‘im!

Wee NED at the back: let’s batter ‘im!

All NEDs (except wee NED at the back): converge on Blair

Blair: evil grin TAKE THAT! NED goes flying AND THAT! NED crashes into lamppost AND THAT YOU BURBERRY-WEARING FREAKS! more NEDs fly

Wee NED at the back: leg it!

Blair: MWAH-HA-HA-HA! massive Matrix fight ensues as NEDs try to escape

meanwhile…

Craig: AH-HA! At last! holds up a bottle of bright green liquid The norma-formula is finished! lightning flashes mutters AGAIN with the lightning

Jayne: slaps Craig I heard that! stay in character and don’t question the special effects!

Craig: rubs cheek ow! I wish you’d all stop slapping me!

Manby: So that stuff ’ll make Blair normal?

Craig: Well, he’ll be back to his old self, I’m not a miracle worker Manby.

Manby: accusingly right, and this coming from the guy who brought Blair back to life, WITH SUPERPOWERS, in the first place!

Craig: narrows his eyes at Manby, but otherwise ignores the comment and looks intently at the formula Now all I have to do is get him to drink it

Manby: Well unless you made him smarter too I don’t think it’ll be that hard

Craig: right, I’ll be back with Blair later then heads for door

Manby: but, how will you find him?

Craig: just follow the trail of destruction

later that night…

Blair: looks up from trashing cars in Matrix fashion to see the Odeon hmm, I shall get into a movie… FOR FREE! Tee hee hee! walks in humming ‘I’m in the money’

Server: Sir? SIR!

Blair: 0.o stops and turns

Server: you have to pay to get beyond this point

Blair: no need, for I am Frankenblair lightning flashes and I can do whatever I want

Server: eh, sir. Only superheroes get in free-admission, supervillans are charged extra

Blair: eyes redden don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

meanwhile…

Craig: following the trail of destruction, comes to the Odeon, enters, and finds the tills have been trashed, the server is hanging upside down from the roof, and the sweet-shop has been cleared out. From the latter, he deducts that Blair has been here recently. With formula in hand, he mounts the escalator (que elevator music) upon eventually reaching the top, he sees Blair carrying the entire contents of the shop. He wonders if the formula is necessary as this seems a normal Blair activity, yet approaches him anyway

Blair: oh hi Craig, wanna catch a film?

Craig: sure, but you missed something

Blair: huh?

Craig: I found this in the shop presents the bottle of formula

Blair: dammit! I always forget something! manages a free hand, grabs the bottle, and (despite being a glowing green) downs the contents mmm, lime… WHAT THE- ?! drops all the food and collapses on the floor. Gets up and tries flexing his arms and punching the air Awh Craig! I’m normal again! What’d you do that for?! Oooh! The Omen vs. The Exorcist 3D! walks in

Craig: sighs. Takes out his mobile and dials 999 yeah, hi, listen, can I book and ambulance? I think I’m gonna need one in about an hour-

Blair: YIPE!

Craig: -make that forty-five minutes.

THE END