8/21/07

“An Excerpt From The Diary Of Secret Agent Rainbow”

Dear Fanny,

Today was a Monday; I don’t like Mondays—TELL ME WHY!—I just don’t like Mondays, okay?! I had to take Sir Fatsalot to the vet today, which meant Bono (my hubby that won’t do me ‘cause he’s a big queer and he hates me) had to rig up the harness… He wasn’t happy about that, but he knows that if I file for divorce he’ll get deported and have to go back to Portugal or whatever the fuck country he’s from.

So I took the Rainbow Mobile into town (‘cause gas prices are fuggin crazy and the Rainbow Mobile runs on starlight and my dreams—very fuel efficient). Not only that, but it converts into an airship and it’s the only automobile we own that’s big enough to effectively transport Sir Fatsalot across town.

So I get to the vet’s office and he’s like “Miss, your pony is extraordinarily overweight!” and I was like “No shit Sherlock, he’s a morbidly obese pony!” and he was like “Miss, this is Hong Kong! Where do you keep a pony?!” and I was like “Okay, dude, are you gonna stand their scratching your balls all day or are you gonna cut the crap-matted hair off his ass like I’m payin’ ya to?” … Turns out Sir Fatsalot has diabetes… but WHATEVER if I don’t believe in it hard enough it’ll go away, like all of those ex-boyfriends I didn’t have killed.

I really need to get laid… like, big time. The closest thing I’ve gotten in a long-ass time is one day last week, Bono picked me up a Snickers while he was downtown, WITHOUT ME EVEN ASKING HIM TO! He threw it at me when he came in the door and said “Here, eat this, I’m not makin’ dinner again this evening” then he went back to the bathroom to angrily jerk off. It was the most romantic thing he’s ever done for me.

But seriously, there’s a short in Ziggy (my vibrator) so he hasn’t been able to comfort me for the past week-and-a-half and I am DYING! It’s been so, so long since I had a little peewank-on-pussoi action, you don’t even know! All of my “main squeezes” got steady girlfriends when they heard I was “retiring” and settling down, so now I’m screwed… or not, which is really the problem.

Sincerely,

S.A.R.

Author’s Note: This was half-finished until today (9/11/07) when I was rifling through my notebook, looking for something to post for my devoted editor and fangirl KalliopeStarmist who is far away at college and needs for me to update my page often so that she’ll have something to read while her hyper-social roommates are out boozin’ it up and she’s sitting in her room being unwreckless sic. Anywho, I found this and thought, “Okay, here’s something I can finish quickly and have up this evening”. With any luck I’ll be able to update again before I leave for college this Saturday.