Depression

She has always spent a lot of her time doubting herself.

She has always had very little self-confidence and it hinders everything she does. Years of rejection seem to have finally taken their toll on her heart after all, as was to be expected. You couldn’t feel that much hurt without repercussions. She finds that she can’t help but feel emotionally drained almost all the time, even through the meager labor that she endures as her dead end job. Conversing with her parents is a trying activity for her, and she can’t seem to find the strength in her soul to feel happy anymore because all she ever wants to do anymore is go home and sleep until she’s dead. Sleep is oblivion, and oblivion is salvation.

She wishes she could sacrifice all the happiness in her if it allowed her to not feel the pain anymore. As if the choice was hers in the first place. She watches everyone around her and feels a strange ache in her heart, because she feels that she is not one of them, she is not normal. She is too unique. She is the weird girl that no one wants to understand because they are too intertwined in their own soap opera relationships. She’s just a bad joke to most people, just a passing laugh during their daily gossip and rumors.

When she sees the girls that she used to be friends with walking down the hallway, laughing together pleasantly, she feels very alone and doesn’t really know why. Maybe it was because she was the one who was tossed out of the group, she was the one who was rejected. She was the one who ended up being alone.

She knows that she shouldn’t feel that way, but she does.

She feels overweight almost all the time, and she feels ugly because of the acne that torments her face. She hates her frizzy thick hair that curls no matter how many products she puts in it, and she wishes her teeth were straight because her parents couldn’t afford braces.

No matter how hard she tries at something she can’t ever seem to get it right, she always screws up at something. Everything has its flaws to her, even the relationship that she found herself in by accident but made her feel good, for a little while.

She wonders if maybe she is taking it more seriously than he is, and that he finds her just to be a convenient replacement. She wonders if he even likes her, or if he meant what he told her when he was drunk, because it meant the world to her.

”I’m glad that I got to know you…”

As she looks outside of herself at herself, she finds herself lacking in everything she wishes that she had. She finds herself a little behind in her personality. She’s loud and blunt and she says what’s on her mind without thinking twice, because she hates it when people lie or beat around the bush. She can be annoying and she tries too hard, over analyzing situations. She falls into lust way to easily and she hasn’t cried since she was thirteen because of emotional weakness, only injuries like when she got her first black eye.

She tries desperately to make friends, and a part of her wants to fit in, but she’s just too different. She wears mismatched clothes that she bought at Goodwill and she never liked brand names. She won’t spend more than ten dollars on a pair of pants and her makeup is always black. Her shoes are dirty and she’s an artist who isn’t even good at art. She reads constantly in class instead of socializing and she doesn’t find joy in making fun of the class curriculum like everyone else. She’s an honor roll student who was known to be a druggie a few years back. She talks with her teachers even when she’s outside of class, because they are interesting people and she finds that she likes their stories. She wants to be a teacher too.

Whenever she goes to the movie theater, she goes alone because she doesn’t know anyone who wants to go with her. She’s the one who doesn’t have friends in any class, so she sits silently drawing or reading all hour. When told to pick partners, she always asks if she can work alone, because she knows that if she asks to be partners with someone, they will just smile politely and tell her to leave them alone. When her class goes on field trips, she’ll be found in the back of the bus, sitting alone, her nose in a book. She would be sitting with everyone else, chatting about random crap, but they don’t like her and they’ve made that very clear.

She’s knows that she’s got redeeming qualities. She’s faithful and would never hurt anyone intentionally. She’s always on time and she will do her best whenever someone is sad to make them cheerful agasin. She really cares about people if they take the time to care about her. But these things never seem to be enough. She’s gone through best friends like Paris Hilton goes through boyfriends. Each of them have ended up hating her for flaws that she finds that she can’t change. They want to mold her personality, but she likes the way she is and when they tell her that they don’t, she feels helpless.

She thinks of her glass as half empty, not half full.

Her depression is something that always lingers in her mind, that always hurts her in some way. Some days she fine, but some days she can’t help but hate herself. Though she pretends to be happy and no one would ever guess, she’s really very sad. She’s not stupid though, she doesn’t angst about committing suicide because she knows that she has something waiting for her beyond high school. The world doesn’t exist inside this school building alone. In the future there is collage and life beyond Wausau.

She knows that she can lift herself from this abyss one day, it will only take a little while. She knows that one day she will beat this depression… someday.