A Place in Line

COURTNEY: Shauna, store clerk

ROBBER: Anthony

MAN: Ben

HOUSEWIFE: Chante

BAG GIRL: Tiffany

WOMAN : Keisha

Scene 1

(Scene opens in a grocery store. COURTNEY and the BAG GIRL are at the counter, waiting on WOMAN . Behind her in line is first, a HOUSEWIFE, and after her, a MAN reading a magazine and holding a toothbrush.)

Courtney: That’ll be $23.49. Will there be anything else for you today?

Woman: 24 dollars!? What a rip-off. I’m NOT paying that much.

Courtney: That’s ok, you can leave the groceries here and I’ll put them back.

Woman: No, no, no. See, I still want them; I’m just not going to pay that much money. These are ridiculous prices.

Courtney: Ma’am, you got about 20 of the same item. They are all the same price.

Housewife: (tapping the Woman on her shoulder) Would you just hurry up and pay the lady? Some of us have places to be. I need to pick my kids up from school in a half hour.

Woman: (turning to the Housewife) Would you chill? Tell your kids to walk; they’ll be fine.

Housewife: The school is 10 miles from the house!

Woman: It’ll be great exercise for them. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m completing a business transaction. (turns back to Courtney) Now, where were we? Oh, yes, you were going to give me a discount right?

Courtney: A discount? I don’t even know you!

Woman: No, a discount for causing me so much trouble. Come on, you must think 24 dollars is a bit overpriced, right?

Courtney: Actually, not really. And if you don’t pay me or leave right now I’m going to get my manager.

Woman: Ok, fine! Geez, here’s your money. (hands her some bills)

Bag girl: Paper or plastic?

Woman: Paper.

Bag girl: (loudly mumbling) Ok…but some of us would like to save the trees…

Woman: Excuse me?

Bag girl: I said: Would you like anything else before you leave?

Woman: Oh, no. I’m good.

Courtney: You’re change is 51 cents. (smiling falsely) Have a nice day and enjoy your ramen!

Woman: (exiting R) Yeah, whatever. I hope this place gets robbed, you thieves.

Housewife: Well, I’m glad that’s over.

Man: (Putting the paper down to move forward in line) Huh? What’s over?

(A scream is heard off stage. Robber enters loudly, hand in his jacket to imitate a gun, holding the woman hostage with her hands tied)

Robber: Ok, nobody move or she dies!

Woman: I didn’t mean when I was still here!

(The group at the counter glances over and then continues what they were doing. Courtney begins ringing up the housewife’s items as the man stands patiently in line making idle chit chat.)

Man: So, how old are your kids?

Housewife: 7 and 10. Both boys and little trouble makers.

Man: Oh yeah? I bet they’re adorable.

Housewife: They are. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

Robber: (Now obviously very frustrated) Hey! HEY! HEEEEY!!!! Man with a gun over here! Do you not CARE that I have a gun pointed at this lady?!

Courtney: (still looking at items) Not really.

Woman: Hey!

Courtney: What?

Woman: I’m pretty sure this falls under the category of ‘bad customer service!’

Courtney: And I’m pretty sure you’re no longer a customer.

Robber: Well fine. (tosses the woman aside and grabs the housewife) Why don’t I just threaten to shoot her?

Housewife: (freaking out) Oh no. Oh god, no. No, no, no. This is just like on TV. I don’t want to be a desperate housewife! I just want to be a regular housewife. Please don’t shoot me! Please, please don’t shoot me! I have kids and a husband! And a little cocker spaniel named Peabody, please don’t shoot me! Who’ll feed him?! WHO?! I’M the ONLY one who remembers to pick up food for him! The only one!!! (grabs can of food from counter) SEE?! He’s got to eat! Do you want my dog to starve to death, you monster?!

Robber: (shaking his head furiously) No, I don’t! Look, it’s going to be ok. Just stop freaking out. You’re dog is going to be fine. I won’t shoot you. I was never going to, I don’t shoot women. It’s ok. Oh god, don’t start crying, please! Oh man. (letting her go, pointing his ‘gun’ at the man now) What about him?! He’s a guy, I can shoot him.

Man: Whoa, I can see we’re a little sexist, now aren’t we?

Bag girl: So…me and Courtney are safe right?

Robber: What? No, no one’s safe!

Housewife: (yells and cries)

Robber: No one’s safe except her! Except her! She’s safe! (housewife stops crying, Robber turns to Courtney.) Now, put all your money in a sack for me.

Courtney: What, you couldn’t even bring your own sack?

Robber: (looking at the bag girl) Put it all in a paper sack.

Bag girl: Am I the ONLY one who cares about preserving the trees?!

Man: Actually, I was going to get plastic once it was my turn.

Robber: Fine, fine, put it in a plastic sack, whatever. Just shut up!

Man: Is that even a real gun?

Robber: Of course it is.

Man: Can I see it?

Robber: No, it’s mine.

Man: Ok, act a little more like a 4-year-old. I don’t mind.

Robber: Jesus, you guys are weird.

Woman: (waving from the floor) Hey, still here! Are you all done chit chatting now? Mind if you untie me so I can leave?

Robber: How do I know you won’t call the cops?

Woman: Does it really appear as though this store and I get along?

Robber: Point taken.

Woman: So can I leave?

Robber: No.

Man: Oh, let her leave. Or at least shoot her.

Robber and woman: WHAT?

Man: …I want to see the gun…

Robber: NO!

Courtney: Hey, Mr. Big Robber Man, got a question for you.

Robber: (sighing) What is it?

Courtney: Do you want the pennies? I mean, I understand the bills and stuff, and even dimes and nickels, but are you a penny person? Cause…me personally, I wouldn’t want the pennies. Too much unnecessary change to be lugging around, you know?

Robber: Ok, ok, I don’t want the pennies, just quit babbling. Oh wait. (reaches for some gum on the counter) I want this gum though. Throw that in there.

Courtney: Yes, sir.

Man: Ok, back to what we were talking about. The gun. Sure it’s real?

Bag girl: I don’t think it’s real. He would’ve shot somebody already.

Robber: I have some self-control.

(silence)

Bag girl: Yeah, and that’s why you were really tough on her (points to the housewife) right?

Robber: …yes.

Courtney: Ok, I’m all done! Here’s your money! (hands him plastic sack with money)

Robber: Finally, I can get out of here! (crosses the housewife on the floor, she grabs his leg)

Housewife: WAIT!

Robber: What is it now, lady?

Housewife: What time is it?

Robber: (looks at his watch) It’s a quarter to 5.

Housewife: Oh great, just great. Now I’m late picking up my kids! Thanks a lot! They probably think I’m the worst mother ever now. My dog’s starved to death and I’m Mommie Dearest. What am I supposed to do now? They won’t ever believe I was in a robbery!

Robber: Just calm down, please! Look, I can—oh no, don’t start crying again. Please, no crying! I can come with you; I’ll explain the whole thing to the kids, ok!? Then we can go feed your dog, I’m sure…Peanut—

Housewife: It’s Peabody! Can’t you even remember my dog’s name?!

Robber: Peabody, Peabody! I’m sure he’s just fine!

Man: Nope, I bet he’s dead now.

Housewife: (yelling) NOOOOO! My precious Peabody!

Robber: (glaring at the Man) Would you shut up? You’re only making it worse!

Man: Whatever. I’m just stating the facts. You held us up so long I bet that dog has died by now.

Housewife: Peeeeabody!!!! Why?!!

Robber: He’s fine! Peabody’s fine! We’ll get a nice big steak for him on our way to get the kids. He’ll be so happy to see you!

Housewife: Really? He’s fine.

Robber: Yeah, he’s perfectly ok.

Housewife: Well, ok. We’d better get going then before the kids start worrying.

Woman: I told you to just let them walk. It’s good exercise.

Robber: Yeah, I think I’m just going to leave you tied up. (begins to exit with the housewife)

Woman: What?! WAIT! You have to untie me! No one here will do it! (starts to scramble after them off stage)

Courtney: Have a nice day, everyone! Well, that was interesting. I’d say it’s about time for a break

Bag girl: I’m right there with you. Let’s go to the restaurant on the corner.

Courtney: I’ll call the manager when I get back. (Courtney and the bag girl exit)

(The man stands alone, waiting at the counter for a moment, examining the toothbrush he was going to purchase then looking around at the empty store)

Man: Am I still supposed to pay for this? Oh jeez, I hate these moral dilemmas. (a moment of silence while he ponders) What would a boy scout do?

(he shrugs, grabs a plastic sack, changes his mind and gets a paper, stuffs the remaining items on the counter into the sack, puts his toothbrush in last and exits.)