Just in case you didn't know I don't own anything you recognize.

The Day Nerd society Almost Collapsed

Once upon a time, nerds were happy beings. They had Gaia online, Ragnarok, StopTazmo, deviant art, radioblogclub, addictive games, drunkduck, the Official website of Star Trek, the official website of Star Wars, world of warcraft of course, neopets, youtube and jockssuck.

Then there was the greatest two of all; the King and Queen of the nerd community-Fan Fiction and Fiction Press. They were what truly helped to balance the delicate scale of internet usage.

Every day the nerds thanked GOD, Spielberg or Roddenberry, depending on their religion, for the internet and the industrial revolution. It may end our planet and our way of life as we know it by slowly destroying the O-zone but some day when they moved out of mom’s basement they’d fix it. After all nerds have BRAIN POWER!

Besides destroying the Earth, wasting nonrenewable resources and creating false religions the internet gave nerds something precious and untouchable. They had freedom and relief.

The bullies couldn’t hurt them on WOW. Johnny’s a level 46 dwarf alchemist. On Gaia Susie has 100,000,000 gold. And if you started an internet fight with Little Ralphy on deviant art over his noncanon anime pairing picture you’d be PWNeD bii hiisz L33T SKiLLZ n00b.

The internet’s theme song should be “Can’t touch this” or (in the case of old men) “The Internet is for Porn.”

Some jocks, rich kids and prepulars though had a terrifying power. They…had intelligence and daddy's credit card. What does this mean you say?

It means they found out how to…

buy fanfiction and very core- the base of nerd society.

“All right so we like bought it totally out so like what do we like do with it? I don’t wanna like read about interesting plots, characters and situations! I wanna do drugs to look cool, succumb to peer pressure, dress like a skank and set myself up for misery when I’m older like totally,” screeched a dyed bleach blonde cheerleader named Honda. All cool people are named after cars.

“AHHHHHHHHH GO TEAM!!!! DEFENSE!! WE SHOULD SCREW WITH THE UPLOADING BUTTON!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHGGHGHGHGHGH!!!! GRUNT GRUNT ERRRRRRRR!!!” A pimply, steroid using, rage issue filled jock name Paul towered above the little group of blondes, Abercrombie worshippers and other jocks as he lifted weights to train for wrestling, football, baseball, tennis, basketball, track, the weightlifting team, sumo wrestling, surfing, and polo season.

“I agree with Paul,” said a relatively quiet rich boy. He had no true friends; these were not his “BFFEAEAEAEAEAs” or his “homies” they were his minions. The only way to avenge himself against those in the social basement was by associating with freaks such as these.

The nerds had attacked him once. An announcement from the school said that Bill Gates was giving out free computers and any donations given would fund starving children in Africa.

They trampled him and left him in the hospital for two weeks with a permanent scar on his cheek. It was obviously on his cheek because it sounds so dark and looks angst-sexy. He recovered physically but never psychologically.

The bright side the doctor had said was that every child in Africa had enough food to survive. His pain was the payment.

No starving innocent child having a chance at living to the age of fourteen is worth that.

At first, he thought petty jokes could give him the revenge he sought.

Wearing shirts that said, “1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d” and putting axe –which all nerds are allergic to- on their sweater vests. However, like all small doses of revenge it wasn’t enough. Seeing nerds cry over their inability to attract a woman or swell up and turn scarlet with hives did not satisfy him.

So he used his money the way everyone with a smart parent who invested in stocks does to gain attention. The “higher” beings flocked to him. They added him on myspace, him, obsessed over his hawtness and sat with him at lunch. Best of all, they did not oppose him.

“Ummmmm like OK Damien!!!!” Mercedes and Ferrari jumped up and down after Mercedes spoke to THE Damien Sixsixsix!!! With his cloven hoofs, dark red eyes, evilly pale as though he lived in the underworld skin and hair as dark as Satan’s heart he was sure a knock out!

“Silence.” They stopped squealing in mid-jump-up-in-air-and-let-thong-show-as-your-skirt-flies-up.

“Like totally Damie baby.” He glared at Toyota. She burst into flames.

“Ohhh ahhhh.” Toyota’s boyfriend and friends ate popcorn as she screamed in agony and hellish blue-green flames engulfed her.

Soon all that remained was a lace-filled, possibly anorexic pile of smoldering ashes. Everyone clapped politely at Damien’s talents. What a guy! What a being! What a evil, heartless thing!

“Mercedes come here. I need you.” Damien knew the one way to destroy the uploading center; Mercedes' incompetence with the internet.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” Mercedes ripped off the piece of tissue paper she called a shirt as she ran towards the leather chair in which Damien sat facing away from his peers.

“YOU SAID ‘COME’ AND ‘I NEED YOU’ IN LIKE TWO SENTENCES. LIKE OF COURSE I’LL LIKE GIVE MYSELF TO YOU- A BOY OF QUESTIONABLE SANITY WHO I AM NOT DATING OR ATTRACTED TO IN A WAY THAT WOULD DEVELOP INTO A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP!!” She jumped into his lap.

“Take me now,” she breathed while fluttering her fake eyelashes. Damien stared at her with nonchalance and slight disgust.

“I need you in a plan. Not your obviously used body.”

“Oh.” She sat on his lap silently for a moment.

“Then will you screw me and possibly impregnate thus ending up tied to me?” It was an honest question. There was still a possibility he might like her.

“No. Now get off before I kill you.”

“Sounds kinky.” He stared until she put her clothes on again. Even evil guys like looking at naked chicks.

When she finished he said, “I need you to go on both fanfiction and fictionpress.”

Mercedes and Ferrari gasped. Paul fiddled with a syringe before plunging it into his upper arm.

“More strength…must get SCHOLARSHIP TO GOOD COLLEGE BECAUSE DAD’S AN ALCOHOLIC AND CAN’T AFFORD TO SEND ME!! AGHHHH!!!!” For the most part, he was ignored.

“Like why Damien?! It will like totally taint my pure record of doing good things like doing drugs, acting promiscuous and being a delinquent!”

“Yahhh! Then we can’t like talk to her because she won’t be just like us! So like being the horrible friends that we like are we’ll like totally ignore her and make fun of her!”

“Totally! You know I’d do it to you!” They smiled at each other knowing they had a great friendship and honor system.

“Do it, now.” There was no way for Mercedes to disobey him. He was a hotty with a body. How do you defy that?

“Only for you Damien!” Her boyfriend, Jeremy didn’t even look up. Really, who in an exclusive relationship WOULDN’T cheat?

She moved towards Damien’s expensive laptop.

“Oh no you have to use that one.” He pointed towards a beat-up computer in the corner. A Windows computer that was technically beat-up, in the first place when it was new.

Besides, she loved to click advertisements and give her computer a virus. Destroying the websites would be simple.

“So like how do you spell ‘fan’?” She flipped her long processed hair. It hit Jeremy in the eye and with the strength of the products that held it still and perfect managed to cut his eye wide open.

Paul stopped shouting about his abusive mother and alcoholic father long enough to say, “F-A-H-N!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THE PAIN ONLY MAKES ME STRONGER!!!”

“I’ll type,” Damien said quietly. It was hard being the only smart popular kid. He needed to find another one soon or give a stoner a make over. Stoners were at least worth entertainment and they rarely said, “umm like totally.”

He carefully typed in fanfiction and then another window fictionpress. If you type fanfuction you get hard-core, girl-on-girl porn and fictioonpress leads to breast augmentation. The pages loaded.

Loaded.

Loaded.

Connected.

“Go wild.” Damien smirked; his plan was almost complete! Then he heard screaming and “wooing.” He had forgotten how literal you have to be with blondies.

Slowly and reluctantly, he looked up to see Mercedes talking with the creator of Girls Gone Wild.

“Like of course I’m eighteen! Just because I’m like in a high school uniform in a High School without any form of identification doesn’t mean I’m like under aged!”

“Just had to check!” The cameraman and Joe Francis laughed heartily.

“We’ve been getting in trouble lately. You know stupid adults whining about their teenagers being too easily led by me. But now that that's out of the way take your shirt off!”

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” Damien covered his face.

Mercedes was retarded and naked from the waist up. He peeked out and glared at the two perverted men. They burst into flames.

“Thank you now Mercedes go wild ON THE INTERNET! Not on television!”

“Like ok. What do I do?” Damien smirked and his eyes slanted.

“What you always do.”

“Like totally wicked! Oh what does this do?” She clicked a button on the administrator account. A pop-up said “WARNING: You are screwing up the system!”

“Cooolllllll.” She clicked the Documents button.

“Oh they shouldn’t leave like things on! My mom beat me for like that!” She turned the Allow uploading the easy way button off.

The warning button came back with “WARNING: GENOCIDE IS ILLEGAL! DO NOT STOP FLOOD OF FANFICTIONS AND ORIGINAL STORIES! DO NOT KILL THE NERDS! GENOCIDE IS ILLEGAL!”

“That button is like annoying it has too many like big words.”

Damien smiled revealing bone-white fangs. It was only a matter of time. He had succeeded… or so he thought.

In the school, the sound of crying filled the air. Nerds littered the ground crying out to each other in agony.

“Check again! Someone check again!”

“There’s nothing,” one of them sobbed, “the only updates are those by people who upload things beforehand!”

“WHHHHHHHHHHYYY?!???!!? WHERE ARE YOU RODDENBERRY? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME FOR US IN OUR DARKEST HOUR!”

“SPIELBERG YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PRAY FOR US NOW AND AT THE HOUR OF OUR DEATH!”

Damien looked upon the suffering with almost orgasmic pleasure. He had won. They were slowly dying.

As the emotional pain sapped the nerds’ strength, his evil smile widened.

“Gaia online…isn’t enough those fanfictions suck…we need our fanfictions from fanfiction…”

“I can’t sleep without reading about LOTR slash. I need it…someone please…kill me end it all! I WANT TO DIE!!”

“Soon you will be dead and I will have my revenge…” Damien muttered under his breath. He walked through the entire school looking at nerds sobbing, his cloven hoofs clicking on the tiles.

Then most of them began to pass on in some shape or form. Without a word, they slipped into comas or just died. The dead were the lucky ones.

“MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” Damien threw his head back as he laughed and spread his arms out in the typical “evil bad guy laughing over triumph” pose. Flames appeared all around him and little black demons circled in the air cackling.

“Damien that is enough,” came a deep, powerful voice from above.

“No it- it can’t be!” Holy light poured into the hallways purifying the demons and blinding Damien. The nerds slowly began to awaken and come back to life.

They blinded sleepily and stared in awe at the light.

“God is that you?”

“It is I-Steven Spielberg.”

Some nerds began to pray, shout and sing hymns.

“HE HAS COME!!!!!”

“ALLEHULIAH!”

“PRAISE HIS NAME!!! OMG THISHERE STORYISGETTINGOLD YOUMUSTAGREE,” said a member of the chess club named Jeffery as he slipped into tongues.

“Dad what are you doing here?! Why do you always friggen’ follow me to school? You should be directing E.T two or something,” Damien said finally acting like an annoyed teenager instead of Satan’s child.

“Son that would have been a complete waste of money just like Jaws Three was. And I came to give you your lunch young man!” Spielberg handed him an Incredibles lunch box.

“I even left you a note inside,” Spielberg-God whispered.

“DADDDDD! I’m busy destroying nerds again! And that is so uncool!”

“But it says “I love you” in a secret code and everything!”

“I love you Steven.” Suddenly Fredrick was breathing heavily in Spielberg’s face. He adjusted his thick-rimmed glasses and blew his nose.

“Thank you.” The nerd blew him a kiss before sauntering away with his hips swaying seductively. Then he fixed his suspenders and wedgie and could walk properly.

“Why would you want to hurt such nice people? That’s it! You are grounded young man! And I’m taking away your computer!”

A faint cheer sounded from the nerds.

“He won’t be able to keep the fanfictions turned off! His account will logout!”

“You did WHAT?! YOU KNOW FANFICTIONS MAKE PEOPLE WATCH MY MOVIES REPEATEDLY AND OTHERS LOOK INTO THEM!”

“And that is why I hate fanfiction and why I hate you.” Damien glared at his father- and the nerds’ God. Spielberg glared back. The fight was on.

Then Damien blinked.

“AHH! I win! Now you have to apologize to the nerds and give them their website back!”

“No,” Damien whined. It was his and he didn’t want to share! Even if he didn’t like fanfiction or fictionpress it was fun to own a multigeek industry.

“I am your father AND a God now obey me or be smote!”

“Yes dad.” The nerds looked in adoration at Spielberg. He had saved them from the dreaded Devil of their nightmares!

“I’m sorry for destroying your way of life, taking your websites away, killing some of you, attempting genocide, being an ass and killing Roddenberry.”

“Y-you killed Roddenberry?” A girl with long greasy pigtails dropped dead immediately and a boy began to cry openly.

Damien laughed.

“Nah just kidding and um I’m sorry for killing another person and for making you cry…and wet yourself.” He stared at the dark stain on the plaid pattern. Then he turned to his father.

“Was my lie good enough dad?” Spielberg looked at him expectantly.

“Now finish the job.”

“Do I havvvvvvvvvveee tooo?” Spielberg glared which caused several daisies to pop up. Even while angry he spread love, joy and pretty flowers!

“Alright here’s the deed to your stupid websites.” He handed the l33t nerds a document saying “Yah if you own this you own fanfiction and fictionpress. Rejoice.”

The nerds eyes grew wide.

“We own fanfiction and fictionpress?” Damien looked at his father who nodded.

“We- WE OWN FANFICTION AND FICTIONPRESS!! PART-AYY!!!”

So the nerds threw a crazy party with chess games, D&D, role playing and anime watching until TEN AT NIGHT. Woooo they craz-ayyy.

Damien was grounded and then sent to a psychiatric center where they found out he was just a suppressed meterosexual. When given the right amount of make up and feminine clothing he grew more docile and acceptant of nerds.

The nerds lived happily. They could control the inflow of Mary sues and horrible spelling. They were so content they bought Life is Good shirts.

The Life is Good rejoiced as well.

To this day, they worship Spielberg and praise him for saving them. He was their god and the world was calm and docile.

It will always be good with fanfiction and fictionpress working.

All hail Spielberg and his courageous act of standing up to his emo, bitchy teenager. Without such strong men most of us would not be alive.

And all that is left to say is; Thank you Steven Spielberg. Thank you for everything.

Fin

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Sorry if I offended anyone! But you have to admit; most of us ARE nerds. I myself am a nerd AND PROUD even though I play many sports and am currently weaning myself off fanfictions.

This idea came during the FIVE -that’s right FIVE- days without fanfiction and fictionpress. Luckily, I had a blank document loaded so I could post this. I also learned the other way to upload documents. Thank you to the people who told me! (Forgets names.)

Review –if you’ve survived- please!

-Scarlett