How to Get Your Daughter's Date to Think You're Awesome
For Dads with Daughters

The door opens with a warning squeak and you really want to shoot the little bugger in a tuxedo walking into the room next to your little baby girl. The winter formal dance is one of her most favorite school events, and all you have on your mind is the image of the smirk on the twerp's smug face. Even though your daughter's date didn't catch you loading your shotgun with a satisfying "chik-CHIK", he is actually already quaking with fear from the sight of you glowering at him. The disappointing truth is that Mr. Too-Tight-Tuxedo shouldn't have to spend the whole night trying to impress you; it should be the other way around. Your daughter's happiness comes first, and it would mean the world to her if her date idolized her father. Here's how to appease the young man without making your daughter explode from embarrassment.

The first and most important rule you, as a father on a mission, have to remember is to avoid asking any awkward questions, except for his name and age. However, these are two pieces of information that you should already know, but if not, look for peculiar tattoos and piercing or some robotic appendage because your daughter really didn't want you to know something about this shmuck. If the temptation to poke around some places is too great, restrain yourself from asking about his grades and schoolwork. Most likely, this teenager male hates to talk about his many test scores. Instead, ask him about his family or what he's interested in, and store this information in your secret stash because it will come in handy much later on.

Then, if it is possible to stay away from the spiky question marks, steer yourself to talking. Be happy, Daddy, because this is actually one of those rare moments when it's okay to reminisce. Spread your wisdom across the dinner table and wow this unknown teenager with your experience in adding hydraulics to your friend's car, or how you blew up a test tube in chemistry class. Have caution, however, when you hear the subject of women. Be vague and general, and definitely don't prater on about how you suavely had those billions of ladies hooked around your finger. If your one faithful memory fails, and you can't recall any notable moments, it's perfectly fine to say the ol' "In my high school days, --- was so popular."

Next, after the talk about the 1900's has worn thin, find at least one aspect of the guy that you two share and compliment him upon it. Yes, it will be hard. For example, if you have the same buzz style hair-cut, pat his head and note how practical his choice was. Better yet, if he is something like a miniature you, compliment your daughter in having good taste in men…I guarantee that he will blush or turn a different shade. It never fails…

If you found out what your daughter's date's interests (say that five times super fast…) are, it's time to bring them up. If he likes photography, talk about how high-tech or old-fashioned your Nikon or disposable camera is. Maybe the little guy can give you some clever tips that you never knew. If he's a basketball star, ask him about his favorite teams or, if you're not basketball-savvy, how the game works. If he's truly interested in what he says he is, he will have a ton to say about it all. You'll earn brownie points from both the daughter and date if the whippersnapper talks to you; it's like a two-for-one deal at the ninety-nine cents store. It's also highly possible that your daughter and he share that interest.

Speaking of your offspring, it's time to move on to his at-the-moment second largest interest: your daughter. It's perfectly acceptable to make her blush prettily when you mention how cute she was at nine years old with her crooked teeth and glasses. Everybody loves to imagine what people looked like before they blossomed into the beautiful people they are now, and this guy is no different. He'll love to hear how your daughter always laughed when you tickled her in a certain spot, which of course you never do anymore. He'll also like to hear how she came to be who she is today. If he wasn't interested in who she is as a person, politely chuck him out of the restaurant because he isn't worthy of her attention. The young man is going to listen to you because there is no better person who knows your forever-little girl like you do, except for maybe Momma.

It's time for…the Grand Finale. This is a crucial element to making your daughter's date think you're a god. It should be timed perfectly and expertly, and properly executed. Once the food arrives at their table, slide your legs from the relaxed, outstretched position they were in before…to the edge of the chair's legs. Grasp the table or the chair's arms firmly, and carefully lift yourself out of your seat. Then move toward the adult's table, and give the two teens some time alone. This movement is symbolic of your trust, existent or not, in him, and that you will leave them and give them quality time together.

You are probably wary of this teenager because you were once as young as this little piece of man, and you know exactly what's going through his head at this general age range. That makes you terrified, doesn't it…? Your fatherly instincts will pick out the bad ones, but you have now learned how to properly give each boy who courts your daughter a chance. But if you can't find a way to make him like you, or for you to like him, you can always load the shotgun. Chik-CHIK.