How not to be a good customer

Come to the till before you are called I actually hate people who do this. If there is some kind of call system in place ..called. Do not stride up to my till dump your stuff in front of me and then act annoyed when I don’t immediately serve you. Maybe I am still sorting out something from the previous customer. Maybe I would- god forbid- like to take a breath and a sip of water between customers. Either way you are not welcome. Even if there is no automated caller system it’s common courtesy just to wait until you hear ‘can I help you’, even if you waste ten seconds of your life, that’s the price you gotta pay if you want even a remotely polite cashier.

Leave stuff you’ve decided not to buy places it don’t belong Nothing is more annoying than finding a load of shoes dumped in the toy aisle that you have been told to tidy. Even more annoying is when you find something on the floor directly in front of where it’s supposed to be on the bottom shelf. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DUMPS THINGS ON THE FLOOR WHEN THEY’RE DONE WITH THEM? It’s not big and it’s not clever, people. Similarly, do not take things out of the packaging unless you are 110 sure you are going to buy them. Especially don’t rip packaging off things and then stuff it behind something else. It will be found and your name will be cursed. If you have children with you do not let them touch things. Even better, don’t bring them at all- they are annoying and unnecessary. Here’s a novel idea- if you try something on your kid and it doesn’t fit, put it back on the hanger, walk back to where you found it and hang it up. No really.

Bring stuff back without receipts How in the name of God do you think we can refund things without proof of purchase? Are you, in fact, an idiot? A copy of the refund policy is on every till and because you fail to read it that’s somehow my fault. You definitely bought it here you say? Well, that’s alright then, please take as much money as you like. No, I am not legally obliged to give you a refund, no the customer is not always right and no, you’re not getting any money out of me. Nope, not even an exchange. You’ll never shop here again? Please keep the good news coming.

Start eating and drinking things before you pay for them While technically not illegal this is just a big unwritten rule. It’s not yours before you pay for it and there’s something just uniquely infuriating about being given an empty Mars wrapper and being told ‘you can chuck that away’. Gee, thanks.

Throw money at me I am not dirty or infected, it is OK to touch me. It’s not OK to throw a pound coin across the till at me while looking like a prat talking into your Bluetooth handsfree. Put it in my hand, amazingly that’s why I’m holding it outstretched in your direction.

Choose the moment I ask for money to tip your coppers onto my till Some people (old women are the main culprits) seem to think the perfect moment to count out their pennies is when I have totalled up their shopping and the queue is out the door behind them. It is not. Inevitably there will only be 86p when their pic n mix is 87p and I will be forced to grit my teeth while they painstakingly scoop it all back into their purse and then get out the pound coin that was there all along. Also, don’t wait until the till is open to say ‘oh I’ve found the change, I’ll have that five pound note back.’ No you won’t, dear. And yes, I have to count it again. Not all people are as trustworthy as you, even if ‘you’re sure there’s the right amount there’.

Go to the wrong till If you’re called to till seven that means go to till seven. Not look up, see the till seven sign flashing, think ‘oh that’s another five metres’ and then roll up at till one. Till one does not want you because they have already called another customer and then their customer will get to till one, see someone already there and walk back in a huff. When they are eventually served they will make snidey comments like ‘have you ever heard of an effective queuing system?’ accompanied by a sneer. Oh, shut up, like you needed your frying pan so much that you couldn’t wait for another minute. Still, your laziness causes consequences.

Assume I am an idiot Just because I am standing at a till does not mean I have nothing between the ears. I do not need a description of a fork, I have encountered them before. Saying ‘you know, you eat with them’, accompanied with hand gestures of cutting food is just insulting.

Ask dumb questions If a bottle is labelled ‘water’ there’s a good chance that the liquid inside will be water. You do not need to bring said bottle to the till and ask the bemused cashier if it is water, waste of everyone’s time. Furthermore, if you can walk in the door to ask if we are open then we are. I do not know where the nearest place to top up your Oyster card/buy cigarettes is, plus you are preventing me serving the increasingly annoyed middle aged woman who I have just called to my till. Go away.

Queue jump Personally I don’t care if you dare to be un-British and try and skip the line of patiently queueing people. However they do and are very likely to give me aggro when they do finally arrive (see point 7) for something that is actually not my fault. Sometimes it is possible to look up and see someone by your till and think they have just been a moron and come before they’ve been called (see point 1), I have not consciously thought ‘let me just serve this queue jumper ahead of all those moral pillars of society who have decided to wait like they should.’ Get over it. Oh, and if I do spot you and tell you politely that the queue is just over there (you know where all the people are in line) don’t pretend you can’t speak English, I’ve just heard you tell your mate that you need to get back to the estate pronto because that ‘fit bird’ is there.