The Truth of my love for you

Acting like I’m tough, I say it means nothing to me when you walk by me with her. Proud I say that the last time we were together meant nothing to me. And I smile when we tell others we are nothing more then friends. Our love was more like lust. It didn’t mean that much really. Those are our words to the world outside. We both say them. But why does it feel so fake then? Like it’s those words that don’t mean a thing and that our love was truly everything?

De first time I saw you I was sold. You were handsome, tall and funny. You gave me your undivided attention and said sweet nothings to me. And even though I knew they didn’t mean that much, because we barely knew one another, I was seduced.

You were the one that kept me up at night. The one that was on my mind on school. And the one that I liked spending my time with the most. You would take me on your arms and tell me I was pretty, prettier then all the other girls and I was sweeter as well.

I never told you that much because at that time I didn’t really know what to say. My feelings for you were indescribable. They were big, deep and mostly they were true.

No man ever made that happen. My feelings going out to just one guy. Nee this was new and it was oh so great. I just knew you were the one for me.

You were the one for me for a while.

Your friends began to warn me for you as soon as I started to express my feelings for you, but I didn’t care what they said. They couldn’t possibly know, what we had, what we shared together. They just didn’t know, they didn’t have that and they never would experience such a thing.

That last part I still believe, but everything else has changed since then. Because life caught up with us and the endless flirting became not enough anymore. What we had was no longer enough for you.

Our love was over, for you. And me?

I stayed behind with a broken heart, even though I was still so young.

How could this happen? You were the one for me right?

You obviously disagreed.

But this was not the end of all that we shared. No it was one year later when you came for me again and I fell head over heels for you once more.

I just knew now that you knew it as well. We belonged together and not separated from each other. You and me, that was the way it was supposed to be.

Again you took me in your arms and whispered once more sweet nothings in my ear. Everything was how it was supposed to be again. Everything was right again.

My friends didn’t like it very much but wisely held their words to themselves. I wasn’t stupid and I would not give myself completely to you, they knew that. And still it bothered them to no end. Because I had fallen in love again. Even your best friend tried to talk me into leaving you.

But I put all their wisdoms aside and let you hold me in your arms.

What all those friends didn’t see of course, was that you had my heart. You might not have had my body and in that way you never had me completely, but you had my heart and that was all you needed to keep me with you.

Unfortunately again this time it was not meant to last, again you left me. You left me with a broken heart and my friends could come back running trying to wipe away my tears. That was the time that I said to myself: ‘never again’.

I was over you I said. This had been the last time. You and I, was no more. I no longer wanted to be with you. To lie in your arms and hear you whisper in my ears. My feelings for you were gone.

How naive of me to think like that. My feelings for you were never gone, they were only repressed and in that way I could move on with my life.

Unfortunately this would not last long. My life as I knew it before you came into it would never come back. By you I was shaped into someone and it was hard to change that. The men that came after you never really got close to me, I didn’t want them to. I compared them to you time after time and each and every one of those times you came out a winner.

And without realising it I began hoping you would contact me again before a year had passed. And I got lucky. This time you called even a month sooner then normally. You wanted to come by, chit chat. Acting tough I tried to shake you off but deep inside I knew I wanted you to come badly. And I guess you knew it two because you would not give up.

A week long you had to call before I agreed to meet up, and I did. We went for a walk outside and everything seemed like it was before. Happily walking in the snow, hand in hand. Wasn’t this the most romantic picture? I sure thought so and again my deep rotted feelings for you came back up in all it’s immensity. You were the one I wanted. The one I wanted to have near me. The one I longed for so much.

But alas you were gone before a relationship could even start to form again. You weren’t ready to have a relationship. It was too soon you told me.

But I was waiting for two years already. You could not truly expect me to wait forever? No thanks, I’ll pass.

Yet men came and went, nobody could measure up to you, even though I knew you weren’t perfect. Far from it even. You weren’t the one for me. But I still could not let you go because for a long time you had me heart. I could not forget about that.

And never did know that, never did you feel what I felt, never did you think like I thought. To you it was all just an adventure. How long would it take before I would let you kiss me again? How long would it take before I put you in my heart again? It was quite a dangerous game, that you played without ever thinking of my feelings and paid for that dearly.

My love is no longer acquirable. People have to prove themselves time and time again if they don’t want me to walk away from them. My trust in men is heavily undermined. Only my dad I still trust. Other men don’t even have to try really. I can’t do it, I can’t let them in, I can’t put them in my heart. My heart isn’t one piece anymore either. It was ripped to shreds and you stamped on the remaining pieces. How could I ever get over that?

I found a way to get you out of my mind for once and for all. I would get back at you. I would make you hate me and then you would never again try to get back into my life. I was going to hurt you like you had done to me for so long, and I was going to enjoy it. All this time I had never known how much hurt it cost to hurt someone else like that.

But for my friends I tried to be strong and I told them my plan was going on still. I would get to him in a way he would never ever forget. A way I would probably never ever forget either, no matter how painful it was going to be for the both of us. It had to happen and I was the one who had to do it.

Still at the grand finale of my plan, I started having a conscious. How had he done it time and time again? Didn’t men ever get bothered by their conscious? All those feelings running through your body and the little voice in your head telling you that what you’re doing is wrong?

Why was it that men could just do whatever they felt like doing without worrying about it whereas I was troubled? It wasn’t fair and I hoped my feelings would soon be gone. If this would ever happen I will never know but my goal was reached. You hated me and for a long time you wanted nothing to do with me. And for a long time I was safe for my own feelings. The feelings that betrayed me time and time again.

Now two years down the road, you call again, hoping I will budge. Even though you know better now. I am truly completely over you. Well...I came to a point in life where I know saying no is the only thing I can do. You will never come close enough again to steal my heart from me. My heart is a little bit more safe from you again. Until a new you comes into my life that is. Until there will be another guy to steal my heart only to break it. But one thing is for sure. You will not be that man.

Neither will any of my other exes be that man. But then again the other guys I dated never did have the same amount of influence on me, like you had. Nobody ever captured my heart that fast, only to break it even faster. Nobody ever did figure out just how to do that and hopefully there wont be someone in my future who manages just that, because I do not know how much more my tainted heart can handle. I don’t know how much it can have before it breaks into irreparable pieces. Now my heart has scars but once it will be deep wounds that only mister right can heal. If mister right even exists.

And still every time I see you butterflies erupt in my stomach. You I will never really forget. And hopefully you wont forget me either later on in life. Our relationship was far to special for that. You did a lot for me when I didn’t even lift a finger for you. You made me happy even if it was only for a little while...

No forgetting...I never will!