Dear N;

I try to live my life as a person that does not have many regrets. When it comes to you, however, I can’t seem to decide if you are one or not. I’m so torn it makes it hard for me to see you, to talk to you, to be honest with you. It’s like we aren’t friends anymore and that makes me wonder if we ever were.

We had our moments and for a long time I thought I wanted to be with you, I thought we would be great together. I mean, we had so much in common, how could it not work? I could see through your facades and that made you respect me and you mad me feel beautiful and that made me crazy about you. The first time we kissed I felt nothing and I got worried, but I decided that it was just the liquor talking. After all, you were just as drunk as me, maybe you didn’t feel anything either? I took a wild guess that you didn’t the next morning when things didn’t seem any different between us. Maybe it meant nothing and that scared me, it scared me so I ran away.

I didn’t go too far though because I just couldn’t get away from you. We saw each other so often that I couldn’t help but remember those moments we had. Then people started saying how well we would work together, that we looked cute together, even my mother said it, but I denied all of the claims that anything was going on between us. After all, you didn’t call, you didn’t ask me on a date, you didn’t make any moves so I could only assume that you felt nothing too, that those moments on the couch were a blur that you probably didn’t remember.

I thought about giving you more chances and I wanted to, but as time went on and I got to know you better I saw how destructive you really were. You’re an alcoholic and you know yet you do nothing to change it. You just continue to drink and drink like it’s your water, like it’s the very thing that keeps you going. I tried and struggled and lay awake wondering what in the world you were trying to forget, but nothing ever came. I couldn’t figure you out this time. It was when I saw you throw up on a bed, where if I hadn’t been there watching you could have died, that I realized I could never handle you as a partner. The stress of wondering if that would happen when I wasn’t around, worrying constantly if you were all right, I would be your babysitter and not your significant other. I didn’t want that and I deserved better.

So I settled into my mind that it was for the best that we were friends and there was nothing more to it than that. I even convinced myself that there was nothing there at all, I was just lonely and you were drunk and that made you come onto me. Yet in the moment that you told me that you were going back to your old partner I felt a jealousy come over me that was entirely unexpected. Why did it bother me that the person I turned was going back with someone else? Why did my stomach twist into a knot when I thought about you being with someone else?

It was then that I realized that I had a regret and that regret was you. I realized that I did not fake what I felt for you and that for weeks now I had wanted you to come to me, sober, and kiss me to see if there was anything really there. My mind was thrown into chaos because now I had a problem, now I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I still cared for you, my heart was telling me that now was the moment I needed to make my move, but my mind kept telling me over and over again that you are an alcoholic, that it would never work between us because of that. My mind kept telling me over and over again that I made the right decision in saying no, in staying away, in telling myself that I deserved better than someone dependant on liquor.

To this moment I still don’t know if you’re going to be one of my regrets. Maybe part of me wants to know if you would give up the bottle if I asked you to, maybe part of me wants to know if I could be the one to make you quit, but I didn’t want to take the chance, I didn’t want to get hurt because you couldn’t control yourself. I’m jealous, I know I am, but that’s all. I know that my mind overrules my heart when it comes to you. I know that I made the right choice in saying no.

My head overrules my heart and when it comes to you, I know I was right.