Chapter Seven

It was over two weeks before I ever heard from her again. I spent fourteen days rattling around my life, filling my days with study and books, filling my nights by desperately clinging to the towel, and wishing that Brian was there. I remember waking up before five every morning, and watching the minutes tick by on the clock, counting down to five am. I expected the phone to ring every morning, but somehow knew that it wouldn’t. As each day went, I lost a little more hope. I lost hope in that she’d call me, or that I’d see her.

I remember going to the library everyday of those two weeks just so I could walk home again through that part of town in which I’d first met her. I remember how each time I walked down there, I’d look for her, search ever doorway, every shadow. Every time I saw white, I was sure it was her shirt, but every time it wasn’t.

It was on the Monday two weeks later, that I saw her. I was coming out of my classroom at school at the end of the day, when I looked up, and saw her standing along the fence. She was waiting there, looking directly at me. Her face betrayed nothing, and I remember the way that fear gripped at my stomach as I made myself walk over to her.

I couldn’t bring myself to say hello, not even when she nodded to me. I just stood there, staring at her, a thousand thoughts of what I wanted to say whirling through my brain, but none were coherent enough for me to speak.

I remember how Brian finally broke the silence, pulling something out of her pocket and holding it out to me. As I studied the rainbow coloured bear in her hand, I heard her say that she was sorry for taking it.

I didn’t want it back, and I told her that, I wanted her to have it. I told her that too, all the time staring at the bear. While she had it, I still felt hope. If she gave it back, then that hope would be gone.

As carefully as she’d taken it out, she put the bear back in her pocket. I was finally able to look up at her face again. I tired to smile that time, feeling a lump build up in my throat. I was vaguely aware of people moving around us to get outside of the school grounds, but I didn’t want to move.

I remember how Brian opened her mouth to say something, then stopped, pausing for a brief moment, before she stepped towards me. Her arms were around me before I realised it, and I could only hug her back viciously, my face buried against her neck.

I heard her whisper that she was sorry for not calling. I felt her hand stroking my hair. And I never wanted to let go of her. In that moment, I remember thinking that it was perfect, and that I never wanted anything to change.

I remember when we finally did pull apart the way that Brian smiled at me. It was a smile that said that she’d almost lost everything, but hadn’t. It was a relieved smile.

I asked her if she wanted to come home with me. My parents weren’t going to be home until after six that evening. I didn’t want for her to walk away again after not having seen her for two weeks.

I remember the way she gave me another relieved smile again as she nodded, and I remember smiling back. I was so glad that she decided to come with me that I wasn’t even really thinking when I took her hand as I began to walk down the street on the route I always took home.

Brian didn’t protest to holding my hand as she walked beside me, matching my steps with her own. We walked in silence, as we always seemed to do. It wasn’t far to my house from the school, and it didn’t take us long to get there.

I remember stepping inside my front door, and closing it behind Brian and myself. I felt suddenly uncomfortable around her. It was at the front door that I’d stuffed everything up. To be standing back there again, seemed so scary.

I hurriedly told her that I was going to go get changed, and pushed past her to head to my room. I dumped my school bag on the floor at my door, and moved towards my cupboards. I flicked through my clothes with one hand, trying to decide what to wear, subconsciously wondering what Brian would like; while my other hand started undoing the buttons of my white school blouse.

I remember the way I jumped when I felt a hand on my back. I spun around, completely forgetting that my shirt was undone, to stare up at Brian. Her hand dropped away from my back, hanging by her side as her eyes flitted over my face, before glancing down at my chest.

My cheeks flared up as I tried desperately to pull my shirt back together around myself, but her hand caught my collar, stilling me. I could only stare at her, as she refused to look at my face, her hands carefully drawing mine away from my shirt, letting it fall open again.

I remember, when her eyes finally met mine, that I felt the colour drain away from my face. I could only look at her. Her face was almost blank, there was nothing that hinted to how she felt, or what she might be thinking. I truthfully didn’t even know what I was thinking. My own hand came up, touching the side of her face carefully, as her hands slid under the collar of my shirt, pushing it further back on my shoulders, causing the gap at the front to widen.

I knew I was shaking as I moved closer to her, my hand running around to the back of her neck. My eyes kept darting between her lips and her eyes, hoping to get some idea of what I was doing. I felt her hands grip onto my shoulders, and I flinched, my nerves jumping, making my body tense. I flinched again, even as I pressed my lips against hers.

I remember feeling her hands slide from my shoulders, moving beneath my shirt to rest on my waist. My head jerked back then, and the colour came rushing back to my face. I didn’t want to look at her. I remember the fear, the fear of her hating me. One hand left my waist and touched me under the chin, lifting my head back up. I remember the way she smiled softly at me, her other hand slipping down to my hip.

She asked me what it meant, and I told her that I didn’t know. Her smile turned sad, and I wanted to say something to make her feel better. I didn’t get a chance, as she asked me what I felt. It took a while to answer, but I eventually told her, in all honesty, that I felt her.

She leant back in, then, holding my face still with her hand beneath my chin, as her lips pressed back against mine. Her fingers trailed down my neck, then traced along my collar bone. Both hands moved to hook under my shirt, pushing it back off my shoulders. I remember the way her lips left mine, then connected gently with my skin twice more, once on my jaw, and again on my neck, before she pulled back, stepping away from me.

My hand dropped away from the back of her neck, and I watched her in confusion. She smiled at me, reassuring me that everything was alright. She leant towards me again, her mouth near my ear as she whispered that I was too good for her. As she pulled away, I went to protest, but her finger pressed to my lips. She shook her head, and told me that she liked me, that I was a nice girl, and I didn’t need her to ruin that.

I grabbed her hand, pulling her finger away from my lips. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t think of anything. Instead, I pulled myself back against Brian, pushing my mouth against hers. I remember not feeling nervous at all as I did. I’d discovered something inside of me that sparked every time I was near Brian. I’d discover that, and I didn’t want to lose it.

I remember the nerve racking moment in which Brian didn’t respond. Then one arm looped around my waist, her other hand trailed across my stomach. She kissed me fiercely, not holding back as she had the first time. It scared me slightly, the way her hand ran over my body, but I ignored it.

When I broke out of the kiss, I could only hug her tightly, both arms wrapped around her neck. It was partially to hold myself up, but mostly because I didn’t want to let go. I tucked my head against her shoulder. Breathing deeply, trying to recover from what had happened.

I remember the way her hand rubbed over my back, comforting me in such a way that it made me feel slightly guilty. She’d tried to stop, but I hadn’t let her. But it didn’t occur to me then, what the possible consequences could be. All I cared about was that I was being held against Brian.

Her other hand was rested against the bottom of my rips, her fingers stroking smooth lines along my skin just below the ridge of fabric that was the seam of my bra. The sensation caused my skin to prickle, and I shivered slightly, pressing my face against her shoulder. I kissed the base of her neck, where her skin was exposed, having no other idea of what to do. Kissing her was easy. It didn’t take much brain power to do that. And after she kissed me, there wasn’t that fear anymore. It was the talking that might have had to be done after that scared me.

I remember the way she pulled back away from me, her eyes running over my body, before she smirked, asking if I wanted to finish getting dressed. I blushed at that, but was grateful that she still acted like she had the first few times I met her. I turned my back on her to get changed, hoping that she’d be courteous enough to turn away as well.

When I had finished getting changed, I turned back to find Brian sitting cross-legged on my bed, the rainbow bear cupped in her hands. I smiled slightly at the sight, moving to sit beside her, my hand resting tentatively on her shoulder. She glanced over at me, the corner of her mouth lifting into what seemed to be a cross between a smirk and a real smile. One hand let go of the bear and she reached up to touch my cheek, twisting her body awkwardly to kiss me gently.

I remember the peaceful smile she gave me as she drew back, her thumb stroking over my lips. She murmured something that I didn’t catch, which caused me to raise my eyebrows in question. The smile twitched slightly into a lopsided smirk, before she repeated herself, telling me that I was beautiful.

I tried to glare at her, as I felt my cheeks flame up, accusing her of only saying that to make me blush. The smirk was definitely there when she replied that I was cute when I blushed.

I tired the turn away from her then, but she was quick to shift and loop her arms around my waist, pulling me against her. I’d turned away just enough that it was my back that pressed against her, although it achieved little, as I found myself staring up at her laughing eyes. She kissed me like that, upside down, my head resting against her chest. I reached up, running my fingers through her hair, and smiled at her. She took my hand away from her hair, holding it with her own.

We stayed like that for what must have been hours, speaking little, just looking at each other. She asked me if it meant anything to me, and I had only nodded in response, I couldn’t explain it to her then, but she meant a lot to me.

Brian had finally left at six, saying that she didn’t want to be around when my parents got home. I’d only been able to nod and kiss her goodbye, waving to her from the front door as she left.

I remember laying in bed that night, finally having time to really think, since I’d met her that afternoon. It dawned on me then, that I’d kissed Brian. Not only that, but she’d kissed me back. I smiled at the thought, and the memory of how she’d said she liked me. But, not even as I lay there, staring into the night, did I ever entertain the thought of what kissing another girl could cause.