Author’s note: This is a true story. All names are changed to protect the people involved, except myself. My name really is Sue. For one of the names I chose Vincent because that is such a sexy name and my favorite male name ever. Also, you can say whatever you want about this. You can tell me I’m wrong, I’m evil, I’m right, I should’ve said this or that. You can say whatever you want, but this is the honest, to God truth. I’ve never written a piece this absolutely heartfelt and true in my whole life, so whatever you want to say doesn’t make a difference in the world.

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Love. What do you really make of it? It seems the more into it I am, the more it turns against me. I try and try. I was a faithful, loving girlfriend in the past. I really was. No kissing, touching, even thinking about other guys was off limits. All except for one. I admit, I had a minor downfall that led to a major downfall. There was one man I loved truly, unconditionally, unbelievably, but it was a secret from everyone except myself. That’s why it was so easy too push him away. As hard as it may be to understand, that’s exactly what happened. I hurt the one I loved so purely in the depths of my soul. And I regret it. I will always regret it since this person will never love me in such a way because of reason I’ll say later. First, you should know how these things started.

My boyfriend and I were taking a class together for Digital Art. It was at a vocational institution, which would have us shipped to their building out of town every school day after we’d had lunch, or maybe it was before. I don’t know, it changed from year to year, but this was the second year. Kids from all the surrounding towns had the option of coming to the vocational school for different classes. There was Auto Mechanics, Culinary, Electricity and Electricians, and at least probably fifteen other choices for things that people could take. But the one class, right across the hall was Computer Tech. They learned computers pretty much inside and out. Well, our Digital Art class was actually two classes divided between semesters. One was learning programs like Photoshop and Freehand, the other half of the year we did printing on big, clunky, old, junky printing presses. The computer tech class gave some of their students the option of coming and taking the software part of our class. So three of them came over for one semester.

At first there was little confusion about what was what and who was where. Then the semester dragged on and on. We had a new teacher that year that made it a terrible experience since she hardly knew the programs. Working together to figure these things out, a person is apt to make friends and I did. One guy was very full of himself and made sure everyone knew that he thought so highly of himself. Another student was a girl confined to a wheelchair. We became pretty good friends and spent a ton of time discussing prom dresses even though we’d never see each other in them. For senior girls, prom becomes the talk of the year, so why not talk about it with other girls? And then finally, there was “him.” His name was Vincent and he wasn’t anything special, or so I thought. After all, he was the typical nerdy guy who wore a sweatshirt and glasses. It really never stuck out at me. He wasn’t overly loud, or supremely quiet. He was just average. Still, as the semester continued on, we learned we had many of the same interests.

Right about the time I realized he was a pretty cool guy, it was time to change semesters and the three of them went back to their class, while we learned printing. Our teacher was a real bat. She was probably around eight hundred years old and made a huge deal out of everyone being productive. She would assign a project that would take maybe two days to complete, but give everyone at least a week to do them. She also forbade the use of the internet, so what did we do? We all used the internet. Well, after a while, she figured out our little game and watched everyone like a hawk. Vincent and I would chat at night on Instant Messenger about how batty and awful she was. Pretty soon, at least four out of five days a week, he’d come over and keep me and other’s company. Ah, you see that? I wasn’t a horrible person, he was friends with more than one of us Digital students. That wasn’t my fault at all! Either way, it got to the point where the teacher figured out this little game, too. He was forbidden from coming around more than once a week. So what did he do? He came over a few times a week and made excuses to have some of us go over and hang out with him.

“Ms. Baron, my Photoshop is acting up, can I bring so-and-so over to help me?”

“My computer is glitching, I want so-and-so to take a look at it.”

“I need help in Freehand.”

“I want to know if anyone can help me with this new program I got.”

It went on and on. Looking back, I totally realize that I was the one invited over the most. He was, after all, my absolutely best guy friend. How could it really be taken any other way, right? Well, okay, so people thought I was cheating on my boyfriend, but seriously, it wasn’t like that. We really were great friends. Absolutely perfect, like two peas in a pod, and life couldn’t be better or more fun.

The conversations we had, in secret, weren’t anything wrong either. We had great discussions about amazing things. We had talks about death, religion, politics, and just about any other non-romantic, but pro-friend topic you could think of. He challenged my thinking, and stimulated debates. It was probably the happiest time I can remember in my life. The reasons our conversations over AIM were so clandestine was because my boyfriend was jealous, incessantly, incredibly jealous. I told Vincent this, and he agreed at my pleading not to mention these intelligent conversations. Strange how I would hide something so innocent, right? My boyfriend had a fit and thought I was flirting with a few different guys, so why feed the fire? I kept it on the down low and no one was the wiser.

Summer came about finally. It was time for graduation parties and my birthday, which was converted into a birthday-graduation party. Everyone I was good friends with was invited and my family from all over came, too. I don’t have much family so it was a meager gathering, but it still turned out wonderful. Vincent came to my grad party and when my mom said he was there, I think I showed a little too much excitement. My boyfriend wasn’t there yet though, so hopefully no one noticed. Although it was my party, he was actually the real life of it. I wouldn’t have had it any other way either. Everyone loved him and it was a huge hit. Later, everyone’s parents came to get them, basically no one had a car, and the people who did had left earlier since at least three other people threw parties on the same day. The only people to stick around were my best friend ever, Callie; my boyfriend; and Vincent. We played video games and sat around chatting. You could tell that my boyfriend was jealous, but what could he say in front of everyone including family?

A few weeks later, came his grad party. One of my boyfriend’s friends drove us out to his house, which was pretty far away, and then stuck around for the party. Vincent’s friends were a lot like mine, likeable, but pretty wild or very withdrawn. Vincent and I spent a lot of time talking and goofing around and I know that we were getting icy glares from a few different people, but that grad party is the one I remember most besides my own. We had volleyball and a water balloon fight with everyone. Come on, who wouldn’t remember that? It was a spectacular party and I’ll remember it forever.

Time passed and my boyfriend ended up going to college for the summer. It wasn’t far away, but without a car, an hour’s drive is like an eternity. He whined and cried a whole bunch while I was having fun being free. I would stay out super late and I finally began talking on the phone with Vincent, not just AIM anymore. I think that’s really what sparked the fire in my boyfriend’s eyes. Vincent would drive all the way out to hang out. It was innocent enough and all we would do was play video games, sit around chatting, maybe go walk around town looking for ice cream. You know, the stuff friends do.

It was also about this time, those wonderful weeks in August, that I began to realize how I really felt. I began to dream about him and I began to crave talking to him, if only for a few minutes. I began calling my boyfriend less, and I think he knew why even though he never said. All he’d do is pitch a fit and whine like a bratty little kid.

“Don’t you love me? What’s wrong with you? You never call anymore?” Well, it wasn’t exactly true. I would think calling every other day was perfect. After all, what is there to talk about when you spoke only twenty four hours earlier? “Are you breaking up with me? Is that what this is about?”

Hindsight now tells me I should have said yes to those last questions. He didn’t really make me happy. He only made me feel sort of alright. It definitely wasn’t the best I could have been feeling. Instead of saying what I really felt, to shut him up, I just said no and then justified that I was busy. It didn’t work though and he still kept whining and crying. If I made him so nervous and unhappy, then why didn’t he just break up with me? Well, I know why, but if this story is staying in chronological order, then the reason can wait.

The next thing I did was bring him over to friend’s houses. What a mistake that was. I even brought him over to a friend that both my boyfriend and I shared. What happened next? I get a call the next day being accused of cheating and lying about it. I had to best friends at that point, so what do you do with your best friend? You have them hang out with you and other people or else your boyfriend will really have a good reason to accuse you of cheating.

I know where my mind was wreaking havoc on my emotions the worst though. It was when I knew I was way in over my head with this whole business of secretly being in love. He had Tae Kwan Do class and invited me along to hang out and watch the class and see what they do. After all, I had somewhat recently joined Kung Fu myself so it would be a good learning opportunity. Well, the teacher kept talking to me a little strangely like I was something super special. On the way back home, I asked Vincent if his teacher was like that with all the student’s friends. Vincent said that the teacher probably thought we were dating. Dating? Oh my God! My heart stopped and my stomach jumped so hard when he said that, I remember almost throwing up on his dashboard. Not exactly romantic, but it was something I never expected him to say. It was something I wanted with all the fiber of my being to be true. After I recovered from the most wonderfully welcome nauseous feeling in the world, I looked over at him while he drove. The sun was just setting and the way it settled in his black hair it looked angelic. At that very moment, my highest point (or lowest, depending on how you want to feel about it) occurred right then. I wanted more than anything in the world for him to pull the car over on the side of the road and kiss me until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I felt the most romantic, powerful, lustful feeling I could ever have felt in my whole life. I wanted full-on tonsil hockey right then and there because I knew that this was the only man on the face of the earth I could ever love, respect, and want in my entire life with such a deep passion. This was the man I would be happy waking up next to every morning. This was the man who was so like me, but so very different, that we were perfectly made for each other. I can’t even begin to express how I felt looking into those gorgeous eyes.

Then the true tragedy struck. It was probably the saddest thing that could have happened and it was entirely my fault. Completely and totally. I am taking the complete and total blame for everything that happened and it’s only right that you, my reader, hate me. I want you to hate me. I deserve it and that’s all there is to it. You don’t understand what I could’ve done. I know. I know. You will though. All in due time you will.