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Breaking The Mirror
Rating: M
Summary: “Go to hell.” “Yes, sir.” Jayden has a lot of problems, and his new mysterious neighbor Seaton Andrews isn’t helping matters.
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They didn’t fire me.
Strangely enough. Apparently Seaton explained…or something. Either way, I still have my wonderful job, which I’m…just so, so happy about. But I have the week off. So I guess that’s something.
The man –Creg –at the restaurant apologized. After Seaton threw him up against the wall and ordered him to, and so he did. Mark was helping me during the panic attack; he’s had them before, just because he’s a nervous type of guy, and knew what was happening to me.
I took a few days off school, and Mr. Spencer sent back my homework. Seaton thinks he knows what the attack was about, but wants me to tell him about it anyway. I don’t, though. I just tell him I’m tired and I want to go to sleep and accepts that. He doesn’t want to push me, at least in things like this.
I’ve been sleeping a lot lately.
And with that sleep comes dreams of Seaton. A Seaton that is fake and yet real, a Seaton that remains only in my dreams, like some sort of sick fairytale.
Only I’m pretty sure Prince Charming didn’t have wet dreams about another guy in the Disney version.
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By the time I have my next appointment with Dr. Jameson, the people at work have all but forgotten about my freak out. The wife of Creg came to the restaurant to apologize, and I just spouted a ‘yes, ma’am’ and stuttered a few words before she smiled and left. Homework’s easy, and little bit annoying. I’ve spent most of my life not doing it, obviously. But I got an interim report and my grades have raised from C’s and D’s to A’s and B’s, and Mr. Spencer’s proud of me because of it.
On Wednesdays, before work, I hang out with Suki, Corin and Linda. They’re…themselves. As always.
I think about all of this when Dr. Jameson asks how the passed two weeks have been, but I don’t say any of it out loud. I fiddle with my cell phone, which Mr. Spencer got me, and remember how Linda programmed a bunch of numbers in, from Seaton’s cell, to Jacob’s (how she got his number I’ll never know) and hers, Suki’s and Corin’s. Corin had a bunch of numbers. He’s got a cell phone, a beeper and blackberry and….a bunch of other crap I don’t really pay attention to.
“Jayden?” Jameson says when I’m silent for a while.
I just look up and then at the clock. It’s only been five minutes. I don’t want to stay here anymore. I really don’t, and I think she can see that.
“You know, Jayden, you don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to,” she says to me, brushing a strand of hair out fo her face. I look at her blankly, thinking, seriously? “You can leave whenever you want.”
“Oh,” I blink, “Yes, ma’am.”
“Do you want to leave?” She asked, and then winced slightly at her ‘yes or no’ questions.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“All right,” she nodded, “You can go. I’ll see you next time.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I repeat and stand up, shoving my hands in my pockets as I walk out the door, and down the hall and over the ugly carpet and out into the waiting room.
“That was fast,” Seaton says when I approach him, “Brat….”
“I don’t feel good,” I say, looking at the ugly carpet instead of Seaton. Carpets are a safe place to look at when everywhere else is questionable territory.
He puts his hand on my back and leads me out, “All right then. Just don’t mention this to Spencer or I’ll get it, and you know he’s annoying whenever he’s angry.”
I just nod and climb into his truck.
The ride home –home –is short, and when we get there, he orders Chinese. He really loves Chinese, and he hates sushi (which I learned about three weeks ago) and he really loves his sister. She’s come over a few times, but usually it’s whenever I’m not home. Carley seems to like me. It’s weird, because I don’t really like her all that much, but I guess she’s growing on me.
She’s cute. And she’s related to Seaton. But she’s a little spoiled brat, with a father that Seaton hates (for a reason I still don’t know, damn it) and she takes up some of his attention. I hate it when I see her sitting on his lap. It annoys me, because I want to be that close to him, and it’s not fair that a little girl gets it and not me. I’m sure that’s selfish, but it’s true. I want that.
She’s also taken to calling me ‘J.J.’ which is just…weird…Not even Linda calls me that, and she’s the queen of nicknames. She told me to call her ‘C.C.’ because now we were gonna be bestest friends.
Ha. Right.
“What movie do you want to watch?” Seaton asks, pointing to three new movies on the coffee table that he got from Blockbuster that day. He has new ones every other way. Sometimes more often. He always asks me, even though I don’t really care. I’ve tried to tell him I don’t mind, whatever movie he wants, but he just glares at me and says ‘choose one, brat’.
Truth be told, I’d rather be looking at his paintings. I still haven’t found the other one’s of me. I pick a movie randomly and put it in the DVD play, and then just sit on the couch.
He comes over to sit next to me, only a foot away.
I can’t concentrate on the movie anymore.
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At almost the end of my work day, when I return from seating one of the customers, I come back to my podium and see Corin standing there with a smile on his face. That wouldn’t be so weird; Suki, Linda and Corin had dropped in on my work to visit me and eat dinner a couple of other times, but it is strange this time, because Suki and Linda aren’t with him. Instead, Corin’s standing with a guy I’ve never seen before.
“Hey, Jayden!” Corin says happily, and I just nod a little, “This is Garrett, Garrett, this is Jayden. The most adorable friend I have.”
“Hey there, Jayden,” the man named Garrett smiles at me and holds out his hand. I take it. He’s got big, rough hands that suggest he works with them a lot. He’s a good looking guy with light brown hair and hazel eyes, about six foot tall, and about Corin’s age, maybe a bit younger. He’s got a deep voice.
“Um –hi,” I say, and let go of his hand. Are they, like….on a date?
“Garrett’s a guy I met a few days ago at Haze,” Corin explains. Haze is a local gay bar. Why would Corin say ‘friend’ if they’re on a date? Garrett doesn’t seem insulted by it though..
“So –er –just you two?” I ask, picking up two menus off the table and turn back to them. Corin’s holding back sniggers as he laughs.
“When do you get off, Jay?” Corin asks me, and I blink as I lead them to the table.
“Um…about five minutes,” I reply, leading them to a booth in the back. Corin likes the back better, he always says so. “Why?”
“Oh god, isn’t he just the cutest, Garrett?” Corin says as he prods Garrett into the seat, but doesn’t take one himself, even after I put the menus down. “He doesn’t even get that this is a set up…”
“Wh –What?” I stammer and Corin just grinned almost maniacally.
“I’m setting you up on a date with Garrett!” Corin beams at me and I –what? You have –you have got to be kidding me.
“I –I –you –wh-what?” I manage again, unbelievingly. I look at Garrett, who’s looking at me and smiling softly, almost patiently. I mean –god, what?
“I’m. Setting. You. Up. On. A. Date,” Corin says slowly, “With this gorgeous guy over here.”
“Um –but –I don’t –”
“Have a good time, Jay,” Corin gives me a quick hug and bolts away, dashing out the door. What is Corin thinking? He knows how…how I feel about Seaton. I can’t…but then again, I…it might help me not want Seaton so much…if I…liked another guy…
“So, Jayden,” Garrett drawls, smirking, “You gonna sit down?”
“I –uh –I have to check out of work,” I say, flushing, and he nods and I rush away to the ‘staff only’ room and scribble on my time card. I lean against the counter, and take a deep breath. I can do this…I can do this…I can do this…It’s just a date…I don’t have to do anything…God, I hate Corin…and whoever the mastermind of this plan is…I seriously hate them.
I return slowly, and when I get there, Mark is at the table with his pad out.
“Oh, goof, here he is,” Garrett grins and Mark turns to look at me.
“Wha –Jayden? You –you’re eating dinner with him?” Mark asks, eye’s wide with surprise. I go over to the seat opposite Garrett and sit down, flushing.
“Yeah,” I mutter, and Mark smiles widely. I order my usual, and Mark scuttles away, leaving Garrett and me alone.
“So, you’re in high school, right?” I nod, “I just graduated over Christmas. I’ll start college come fall.”
“Yeah,” I say again, because I don’t get this stuff. I don’t carry on conversations.
“You’re not much of a talker, are you?” he chuckles slightly when I shake my head, “No worries, I’m informed. Corin told me.”
“Oh….so…um…” I sit on my hands for no real reason except that I may do something stupid with them, “H-How do you know Corin?”
“We met at a club,” Garrett rubs the back of his neck, “Some friends forced me to go, it’s not really my scene, you know…but yeah, I was there. Corin asked me if I was interested in a blind date.”
“Ohumm…” I say –and that’s not even a word is it? Why am I here? Why am I doing this?
“I think he described you as ‘quiet, shy and smart’ and I…haha, by that description I would have never thought you were so cute,” I look up in surprise and his just grins at me congenially. God, why do people keep saying I’m cute?
I don’t get it.
“I…um…thanks,” I say and Mark comes back over, a huge smile on his freckled face, and puts down our drinks. Then I remember…who’s paying for this? I have a twenty in my pocket, but….damn Corin.
“So, Jayden, what’s your story?” Garrett leaned forward, propping his chin on his hand.
“My…story?”
“Yeah, how’d you meet Corin? Where are you living now? What’s your family like?” he says and takes a sip of his own drink, a tall glass of ice water.
What so I say? I met Corin while I was at the bookstore, and I was at the bookstore because my dad kicked me out of the house on a regular basis? I’m living with a man names Seaton now, who I’m secretly in love with, because my dad’s friend tried to rape me and had been molesting me since I was six? My family is nearly nonexistent except for my dad, who is now in jail because he beat me and allowed his poker-buddy to do whatever he wanted to me?
No, I can’t say that. I know I can’t. Garrett isn’t allowed to know that. And I shouldn’t have to explain it again.
I look at him in the face, and think, wow, he’s a really nice guy. He gets that I’m anti-social and is sweet and conversational…he’s a great person…nice…
Too nice.
And he could be a perfect person, the best looking, smartest, kindest man in the entire world, and I still would rather be with Seaton than him. I look down into my lap and speak.
“I’m…I’m really sorry…but…” my auburn hair falls in front of my eyes, “…but I can’t be on a date with you.”
“Hm,” Garrett sighs, “Yeah, I figured. That’s fine then. But I’m still starving, so I’m gonna eat. Stay. There doesn’t have to be anything romantic about it.”
“…Okay…”
It’s another hour before I’m home. Corin comes to pick me up in his white truck afterwards, and I swear I want to punch him, but I don’t. I won’t. Garrett and I spent the rest of dinner talking sparingly about ourselves (mostly him) and eating our dinner. Nothing romantic about it. I tell Corin this and he bangs his head against the steering wheel, and beeps the horn loudly, making me jump out of my skin.
He drops me off at the apartment building and I go to my home and open the door with my set of keys and walk in, locking the door behind me. Seaton’s sitting on the couch, watching television. He looks up at me when I walk in, expression blank.
“So,” He starts, raising an eyebrow as I come into the main room, “How was your date?”
“Wh –Wh –you -? I –It wasn’t –” Oh, god, he knew? How did he know? I’ll kill Corin slowly, and Linda too, because she had some part in this, I know she did. And even if she didn’t, I’ll kill her anyways just to let out the frustration I’m feeling. “I didn’t –it wasn’t a d-date!”
“Hn,” Seaton grunts, “Not what I was told.”
“Well –I mean, it was supposed to be but –I –um, told him I didn’t –um- want it to be,” God, please, I want to stop having to talk so much. Yeses and No’s are so much more simple…
“What was wrong with him?” Seaton asks, and fuck –why is he interested. I come over slowly to sit on the couch next to him, fiddling with the tail of my shirt.
“He was…fine…I just…” I’m so not comfortable saying this to Seaton. Because I wanted Garrett to be him so badly, “He was…nice…”
“And that’s a bad personality trait, is it, brat?”
“Well…not as a general rule…but…” I hesitate. Do I really want to say this? God, I need to shut up.
“But?” Seaton prods, and I hear my voice even though I didn’t try to speak.
“People who act really nice…” I shrug slightly, “They want something.”
“Like what?” Seaton’s eyes narrow at me and I wring my hands together slightly, not really liking the question, but of course, it’s Seaton, so I have to answer.
“Well…I mean…Charlie was really nice to me…” I said lowly, scratching the back of my head, “Too nice, and I guess…it’s just…people who are too nice remind me of him a bit…so I…tend to think they want that too.”
He looks at me for a long time, eyes hard. He’s thinking about something, mulling something over. It’s hard to tell, but I’m pretty sure. And I don’t think it’s good. Finally he opens his mouth and speaks, carefully.
“Did you think that…I wanted that?”
What?
“I…”
I don’t know what to say. How to say it. It’s not something you just say, but he doesn’t get that. Or he does, and he doesn’t care. Say it anyways. That’s Seaton for you, always trying to get me to express myself.
“I see,” He says stiffly, and he stands. He sees?
But he doesn’t see!
“No! It’s just –I just –What I meant was –” God, again with the stuttering. It’s what you get for not talking properly for so long. No more ‘No, sirs’ and ‘yes, sirs’ to lean back on. God, where did they go?
He looked down at me, waiting for a continuation I pause, to gather myself. I look at the carpet.
“I…I didn’t think you wanted that,” I say slowly, not daring to take a glance towards his face, “I just…I sort of…hoped you did.”
He pauses this time, and I’m glad I don’t see his face. I sure it’s just another blank look, another damned apathetic face –or worse, angry and hard. God –what the fuck did I just say?
“You…what?” Seaton says, and then sits back down again in his seat slowly, “You…you hoped I…you wanted me to want…”
“I figured that…if anyone was going to…” I don’t know what I’m saying. Shut up. Damn it, Jayden, shut UP! “If anyone was going to want that from me…then… I would…want it to be you.”
Why are my eyes moving upward? This is not in my control, I swear. I no longer see the carpet I was staring at, but Seaton’s shoes and calves and knees and then stomach and then arms and chest and then neck and…chin…and his…face…
He staring at me, hot dark eyes burning into me so intensely I thing they might permanently indent a part of Seaton inside me, and I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I don’t know why I’m looking at him in the face, what fucking made me look him in the eyes because I don’t do that. Not like this, not unless he makes me. This time he uttered no ‘look at me’, I just did it this time.
“You…” he starts, then stops, clothing his mouth.
I…what? I what? I’m pathetic? I’m disgusting? I repulse you? I need to get out of your house? I’m crazy, weird, impossible, a lunatic, hopeless, dreaming –what? What am I, Seaton, because I don’t know. Tell me what I am, because I trust you. Tell me what you want me to be and –god, I’ll try. Just kiss me again, one more time, just once more. And I know it’s a lie, because if he kisses me again I’ll just want another and another and another…
“You…” he says again and I’m not breathing, because I need to know, “You…can’t just…”
He closes his eyes briefly and his hands are clenched together –why? Is he angry? God, don’t be angry, I’ll take it back, Seaton, just please don’t ever, ever hate me –
“You can’t say things like that, brat,” Seaton tells me, opening his eyes again slowly, and I’m hit with sharp, smoldering onyx twins piercing me in the gut, in the heart, “It makes me want to…”
“I’m sorry,” I say automatically and his eyes snap open to their fullest and his hand shoots out -and I don’t know why but I know he’s not going to hit me –and he grabs the back of me neck and yanks me forward.
My lips fall onto his hard and for the first few seconds I can’t even comprehend what this is. It’s his lips are on mine, yes, but it doesn’t feel like a kiss to me. Just another conversation, only we’re speaking impossibly close this time, into the other’s mouth. His lips are like I remember them, thin and soft and chapped and –oh my god, we’re kissing and I think I’m going to die.
Is this what it makes him want to do? Kiss me? If so, I must make it a rule to say whatever I said several times a day, but right now Seaton’s lips around moving against mine and I can’t even remember what I said before anymore. His hand is still on the back of my neck, cupping my hair and part of my cheek and the other one is on my waist, pulling me closer still. My hands move of their own violation to grasps his shirt tightly within my fingers, which are trembling a bit, I can tell, but I just hold on more firmly as to not loose my grip.
I can feel a wetness swipe along my lower lip and god, it’s his tongue and I want it inside my mouth more than anything. I part my lips, opening my teeth for him to enter and he does. As his tongue searches my mouth, stroking against the top in the most sensual way, his hand travels to my lower back to scoot me closer on the couch to him so that my legs are touch his. His tongue prods at mine, which had been lying dormant for the time being, but when Seaton’s wet ligament brushed against it just right, it springs to life and moves against his.
This can’t end. I never want it to. I want time to just freeze right here and never move. This perfect moment should stay forever with me, with Seaton’s mouth on mine, his arms wrapped around me –fuck, I feel so damn safe, that it’s insane. I always feel safe with Seaton but this –this feels like I’m invincible.
Completely and utterly untouchable by anything but Seaton.
Yeah, I could live like that.
I can’t breath, but that’s okay, let me die like this, right now, in this flawless moment. I’d like to die covered in the beauty of this event, this impeccably wonderful moment, but apparently Seaton doesn’t want to see me go just yet. He pulls back, and opens his eyes, and I open mine, not sure when they closed, and peer at him. He’s watching me, and I blush lightly, wondering how completely stupid I much look.
His thumb brushes my cheek and he just looks at me, I look away slightly as I pant. I want to say I’m sorry for looking like I look, probably flushed and pink and so freaking retarded, but Seaton makes me look back at him.
“God…” Seaton breathes lowly, in a husky voice that makes the spot below my stomach tighten strangely, “You’re….so fucking…” he looks at me deeply, and god, why does he want to see me like this? “…beautiful…”
“Wha -!?” I gasp, because surely I must have heard wrong but before I know it, he’d kissing me again I don’t care if I heard wrong anymore. Just let him kiss me again, and again and again and he can say whatever he wants.
His tongue is in my mouth again, doing –doing something that makes me squirm against my will. His hand on my back just pulls me closer and my hands tighten around his shirt, probably stretching it so much it’s ruined and I’m sorry but I just don’t care right now. He plunders my mouth and nibbles at my lips, making me a suck in my breath in surprise as he does so before he thrusts his tongue back in again.
I want to be closer to him, to feel more but I can’t and I won’t because that’s too much to ask for right now, because I just got this.
Eventually pulls away again so I can breath, and again he just looks at me and god I don’t know why. I know I just look ridiculous. But then he kisses me again, and I can’t complain. He can look at me whatever way he wants if he just doesn’t stop.
I don’t know how long we stayed like that, kissing, pausing and then kissing again. So many damn kisses, fucking perfect kisses. Time is warped in a way that makes this feel like an eternity, or just a few feeble seconds. Seconds that I cannot get back, seconds that are slipping through my fingers like sand when he pulls away a final time.
All good things must end.
I fucking hate that saying.
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I appreciate each any every one of your comments, and I really love to hear from you. I promise that in the next chapter there will be an explanation of this make-out seen, as well as a definition of their relationship, of sorts. I’m thinking this story will end at chapter 35 or so…not positive. :P
So yeah, please review. I’ll love you forever times twenty!
Luv ya!
AMV