It’s not a simple story to tell.

The beginning meshes together with the middle and ending because everything is too far in the past to remember.

I was little, you were lying down on the bed under me watching as I touched you. Your hands were at the sides of your body and I kept licking and laughing and coughing. My dad was in the other room but he was too busy with them and money to bother us.

I do not remember your name but I remember the way it burns me when I coughed, the way your shirt was buttoned up when I came from the bathroom, and the way you didn’t tell me to stop.

-

I was in the shower. Water poured over my young body as I bathed. Under developed. You needed to release yourself in the bathroom. My mother brought you inside even though I was there. You came from the door and I didn’t know who it was. I peeked at your face but you got angry at me.

I do not remember what you look like because you were young and I was young and I didn’t want to look there.

You pulled the curtains back in a white flash and I wanted to disappear. I wanted something to cover myself and hide behind. I didn’t want you to see me like that. I swore and was upset and kept using dirty words to hurt you with and I didn’t ever want to be near you again. My parents came and tried to block them from me.

I felt too dirty to stop.

-

You’re on top trying to teach me what your cousin taught you and I’m a good student. I lay underneath as you move over me, trying to mirror the touches and sounds. My brother is right there beside us playing, not paying attention or deciding not to. There is no love or lust in between us, only excitement as we play another one of our games.

Your tongue encircled my navel and it feels sticky and I think it is going to smell later. We’re moving but I do not feel anything and we are in this too deep to stop. Our babysitter comes in the room and is angry.

Did we do anything wrong? I don’t know because we are small.

She tells my mom that we are having something that sounds bad and I am in a dress waiting for her to scream at me. She says that we did not know what we were doing as she watches the dishes. We only kids.

She doesn’t look at me.

-

I’m hiding behind the door of my room and you want to enter because you have candy. I do not know if you are my real uncle because everyone is related when it comes to us. But you want to be one so I open the door. I don’t remember what happens next but I think you kiss me. I’m too young to be anything to you and besides I thought we were related.

Next time I won’t open the door.

-

I blame the television because it’s the only thing on. I’m there and it’s more licking and coughing but someone else without a name for me to use. It doesn’t matter since I can’t remember your face either. If it wasn’t for the shame I wouldn’t think you exist.

-

This is another game we play, something different from putting up pillows and trying to pretend that we are on a ship going to somewhere. Your tongue is on mine a spilt second and we taste. And then I want to vomit because it’s suddenly weird when we’re too close like this.

-

Something in me wants to put a 'the end' at the bottom. But it's not finished. I still think. I still push out. I still feel as thought I need to repeat. You shouldn't be that clean when I'm not. I'm going to drown, down the pipes with the bathwater. You are going to tell me that I'm dreaming.