April 21, 2007

English

Job Application

To the idiot who will hire me,

You might as well know ahead that you shouldn’t even bother reading this and just hire me already. You should already know that I don’t have a resume, because I don’t even need one. However, if you truly believe you need proof on hiring me, please, feel free to think of this letter as a resume, just to ease your mind.

Did you know that people have said that I’m so smart that I was probably Sherlock Holmes’s idol, even though I wasn’t alive yet? People have also exclaimed that I am so brilliant that I could probably solve Africa’s A.I.D.S. situation! I am a purple-heart recipient, sadly.

The Gods have nothing on me! People have compared me to Hercules—when I lift flowerpots; some even said I could prove to be stronger than him. My beauty has been compared to that of Aphrodite and won. My smarts have been compared to that of Athena and I’ve also won. I have battled against Ares and have won, but that’s nothing to be proud of. I have rode Pegasus and have went to Olympia.

What’s more? I can tie my shoe and feed myself like no one has. I can ride a bicycle. I can ride a bicycle with no hands. I can ride a bike with no hands or feet. I can ride a bicycle with no hands, feet or teeth. I’ve won a pie-eating contest and can brush my teeth—without using my teeth and/or mouth. I could hum and whistle to any song. I could hum it fast; I could whistle it slow, and the other way around. I could also hum and whistle it backwards. But I’m addicted to breathing. I just can’t stop! There’s more, I’ve won Best Answer on Yahoo! Answers.

Also, I was Britney Spears’s hairstylist. I was the marriage counselor to the stars—for example, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. I’m author of The Baskin Robin’s Diet – 31 Days to Weight Loss. I’m also a weight counselor, for people who want to gain weight. Did I tell you that I’m the speech consultant for George W. Bush?

I’m also proud to say that I have the loudest finger snapping. I’ve won a watermelon seed-spitting contest too! I’m champion of a Paper, Scissors, Rock Tournament. I can jump an inch from the ground with a pogo stick. I’m also a famous sword shallower; and to go with that, I’ve taken a bite out of the world’s biggest pizza.

I guess you’ll have to hire me now. I know I’m a fantastic person. I would be honored to make “being a Therapist” a part of my collections of achievements, but out of all them, the real things that I’m proud of are that I can say the alphabet backwards in less than 5 seconds and I have a story on Fiction Press.