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Spoken to the manager of Gable's Books on the twentith of April, 2007:
My name is Daria, and I'm the Devil's errand girl. Yes, you heard that right. I run the personal errands for the Big Guy Down There. I know what kind of soap will make him break out in hives, and which kind is good for him. I know what kinds of food he likes, and where to get the best brands of those. Of course, you probably don't believe me. Lizbeth said you wouldn't.
Lizbeth is my best friend here, one of the few other humans not suffering the Eternal Damnation package. She's also the Lord Lucifer's secretary, and runs about ¾ of the place by herself.
Why would the Devil, King of Hell, and all that, need an errand girl you ask? Couldn't he just get or do whatever it is for himself with his mighty dark powers?
Not really. He can set things(and people) on fire, he can create eternal suffering, drag a soul down to the depths of evil, but he can't run out and get the milk. People tend to ask why an otherwise normal, handsome, in-his-20s guy has bat wings. (Or so he says. That's part of it, but really he's just kinda lazy.) That's why he has human servants, for living-world stuff.
Ya see, in Hell you can't grow stuff. That means no food. The humans eternally suffering don't need it, but his human servants here and some of the non-human ones, certainly do. (So does he.) It's also very, very frustrating to wait until inventors die to get the latest technology. I mean, would you want to wait till Bill Gates dies to get an iMac?
I'm his personal errand runner, he has others for the rest of Hell. I just deal with him and his really high-up servants.
Oh, and despite what you may have heard, Hell isn't all flames and guys with pitchforks and horns. (Actually, it's mostly office cubicles.) The Lord Lucifer King of Hell lives in a nice large house with his personal retainers. Which, to all intents and purposes, means me, Lizbeth, and his ten or so message runners and body servants.
Yeah, he likes to read too. And for some reason, play video games. That's one of the reason's I'm on this extended trip of three days- to pick up the latest games and platforms, as well as some new books and groceries. I'm taking a trip to the bookstore tomorrow, for all of us. Our tastes run in about the same vein, and when Lord Lucifer finishes a book, Lizbeth and I get to read it. Of course, since he likes to reread things even more than we do, he'll get pissed off if we loose it.
I need to check my shopping list for today. New teakettle- check. Hot chocolate mix- check. Latest video game platform- check. Three games I think he'll like- check. Latest Terry Pratchett book and latest Eric Flint book- I'll need to go get those after dinner. I love going to the bookstore- I can stay in there for hours after I've gotten the rest of my shopping done and read. Don't you love doing that? Milord wishes he could do that, but because of the wings... yeah. People would stare.
To him, books like the Discworld and 1634 series' are like the Bible is to Christians, only more so. He rereads them all the time, and likes to listen to the audiobook versions when he actually works. Oh, and have you ever heard of the Evil Overlord List? He has copies tacked to the walls of his bedroom and office. Follows them all the time, he does. Admirable.
Tell me, what do you like to do on your days off? Days at home, in his house, I like to reread some of our books and help Lizbeth manage things. Days here, I don't really have days off. But after I get the shopping done I like to go and hang around cafes, or read in bookstores. It's quite nice here. But if I lived here all the time, and didn't work for Lord Lucifer, I'd probably be struggling to make ends meet, and have a full-time office job. Horrible. As it is, I get to live in both worlds. His house, with him, Lizbeth, and the other servants, and this flat in a medium-sized town all by myself.
All in all, I don't think I'd want to trade this life for one I might be able to build here. I have someone fairly nice(yeah, I know what you're thinkin. The Devil, nice? But he can be, sometimes.) to work for, a best friend who's happy to talk with me while I'm helping with her work, and when I'm here the time to take long quiet walks, or simply sit and read by myself.
Oh, do excuse me- I need to go get my Lord a new laptop. He said he'll give me his old one if I can find him one he likes! And I know the perfect one, too...
Message- End.