Trying

I try to be apathetic

Devoid of any emotion

So you don’t have to see me like this

I try not to think

About you or calling you

Even though I know just hearing your voice will help

I try to avoid you

When I’m like this

I know you hate seeing me depressed

I try to be happy

Because that’s what you most want

And I don’t want to disappoint you

I try to smile

It makes you sad when I don’t

And I don’t want you to start brushing me aside

I try to hide it all

The pain and sorrow and aching inside me

But most days it’s just too hard and I can’t take it

I try not to cling to you

You’ll be leaving soon

Just like all the others

I try not to want

To feel your arms around me

In a hug where I feel the safest

I try not to be selfish

To expect too much

To hold on to what I know will not last

I try not to hate

The fact that she burned a hole in my heart

Makes me want to more than anything else

I try to trust

To let people in to this horror that is my mind

But I’m afraid I will just scare them away

I try to pray

But I feel like God is testing me

And it’s hard to love him for it when inside I feel like I’m dying

I try not to give up

But I hate what she has done to me

And sometimes I wonder if life is even worth it all

I try to live without you

Without You and especially you

But I know now that that is impossible

I try to make something of myself

To be everything you want and everything I was meant to be

I just wish I knew exactly what that was

I try to have good days

To make every day a good day

But sometimes it just doesn’t work like that