Maybe

by crystal tiara

“Maybe tomorrow I’ll become better”.

The words keep repeating over and over in my head like an overused mantra, to the point when it gets so tiring that I hardly know what they mean – to the point that “maybes” are just strings of letters to me.

“Maybe I…” Funny how I’ve squeezed these words dry. There’s just so much that I could say.

Maybe I’ll become wiser? Oh yes, like those super geniuses I know – I wonder if they even study. Prettier and nicer, inside and out? maybe I’ll be slim and not-so-plain like those girls, who, despite not being models, can catch others’ eyes. Standing next to them, I know I’m the odd one out. Of course, some people ever-so-nicely jump at the opportunity to point that out to me, as if I’m hardly aware of it.

Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Or maybe I’ll learn to believe that tomorrow will be a good day.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll pick up that book that I’ve always wanted to read, or watch that drama and that anime DVD, all of which have been gathering dust because of unuse.

Maybe I’ll learn not to be such a bitch, to look the other way when my ex-friend’s not looking my way (I want her friendship but she doesn’t want to give it to me, and it hurts, it hurts).

Maybe I’ll get off my lazy ass for once. Maybe I’ll put my room – and my life – in order. Maybe I’ll learn aikido, or guitar, or… there’s so much I want to learn but there’s never enough time, nor is there the right time or opportunity to start.

Maybe I’ll stop wallowing in angst. Maybe I’ll become more sociable and less clumsy, less awkward, less embarrassing.

“Maybe” is the key that opens to a maze of possibilities, but maybe, maybe I might get lost in that maze of “maybes”, not knowing whether I’ll get to “yes” or “no” or just be stuck with stupid old “maybe”.

I fear that maybe tomorrow, I might forget all these “maybes”.