What’s Said and Done

Why did I decide to do this? What could I have possibly been thinking?

Thoughts like these assaulted me as I stared down, a scene of less than ten minutes before playing as a mirage on the water below.

I could still hear them, their sneers, their insults, and their accusations. Her incredulous voice as she found out my secret will be hard to forget. The way her tone reflected her supposed superiority made me feel as though I had no choice but to do what I was going to do. I felt as though my only remaining way to self-respect was to nod my head and weakly consent to their pressure, their ideals.

The images replayed in my mind’s eye, as though it were the life of somebody else. The images were akin to the way you imagine the plot of a story, without feeling anything but the numbness that surrounds you. The difference was that I was the main character in this story, this plot revolved around me. So as I saw these images, this story unfolding, I felt nothing but a slight interest in the character, in myself, and this plot that enclosed me. Mostly, what I felt was apathy to the events that were occurring.

As this character, as I, walked towards my fate, my sense took over control where my emotions had abdicated. The air was bitingly fresh, smelling clean, unlike the city air I was used to. I felt the wet stone beneath me, slightly cool. I felt the occasional warm breeze shift my hair.

I saw myself as I took step after agonizing step closer to the edge, each one bringing me nearer to what was sure to be my demise. With every movement this knowledge bore down on me like a wave of guilt crashing down on its unsuspecting victim. I could feel the ton of its weight crushing my spine, I could feel its pressure against the cold sweat that had broke out across my back.

After every step the weight became more suffocating, yet the jeers continued mercilessly, blissfully unaware of my terror. I couldn’t turn back now. I shied away from the idea of facing them not having completed this venture.

So step-by-step I crept closer to my fate, to the moment where I could silence my peers and let my inner pride run free. I found that suddenly, their disapproval only served to fuel my determination with newfound ferocity. My steps came quicker. The light splash of my feet as they hit the water-soaked ground echoed through my head. Their laughter no longer mattered to me. I was doing this now to prove something to myself. My steps grew faster, each echo reverberating louder than the last within my skull.

When I had made it to my destination, my ferocity and determination dwindled. I was at the edge, looking down at the silvery water below. The snickers were heard once more, like suddenly something was once more switched on in my head. I froze at the verge of the cliff, my hesitation clearly evident to those near me. I heard them call out, telling me that I could not back out now, I’d made it that far. They were still laughing at me, clearly under the impression I was not going to follow through with what I had come up here to do. After every moment of indecision their taunts increased tenfold. When I took two steps backward, they seemed to be satisfied that I was not going to do it. They believed they had won, they believed that I was going to let them win. I steadied myself. I started moving soundless forward until I was looking once again over the edge, their malicious calls ringing in my ears.

Then I did the only thing I could do.

I jumped.

As I resurfaced from the water, I saw them stare at me in shock. They really hadn’t believed I would jump. I pivoted myself so that I was now staring at the 15 feet of cliff before me. I smiled.

I’d been coming to this summer camp for nearly four years, and though I hid it well I had never jumped from this renowned spot. Almost everyone had, and barely anyone knew I hadn’t. Once I had finally let it slip my friends had insisted that I come down here and let myself pass in to the realm of those who had completed this endeavor.

In hindsight, I suppose it wasn’t as bad as I had thought. My fear of heights is what had set me off from the beginning, though once I had gotten past the fact that the cliff was 15 feet away from the water, the jump wasn’t so bad.

I was brought back down to earth by the congratulations of my comrades. It was a moment I was not likely to forget. I was proud of myself, and everyone else was proud of me too. Even the girl who I had never particularly liked, the one who thought herself superior was grudgingly praising me for finally achieving what so many others had.

After the felicitations had finished, I climbed out of the lake. I could feel my blood coursing through me, the energy pumping through my veins. It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in a while and was all to eager to feel again.

With that in mind, I let out a ‘whoop!’ and ran up to jump again.

It was just as fun the second time.