Murder at the Not-bad Corral

Cast:

The Sheriff

Deputy Beer-gut Bob

The Killer

Hide-away Heidi

Katie Quick-shooter

Ride-along Roxie

Scene 1: At the scene of the crime

The sheriff is sitting in her office, writing something. The sheriff looks up for a moment. Loud footsteps sound.

Sheriff: Do I hear footsteps?

Laughter. More footsteps. A masked figure appears, and then in slow motion, points the gun at the camera.

Sheriff: (amazed, and frightened) Dribbling Dingoes! What am I seeing?

Killer: Your death stupid.

Sheriff falls to the floor and starts to convulse before dying. Evil laughter. Camera point back at masked figure as figure runs away. Deputy runs in Looks over sheriff and calls.

Deputy: Sheriff, oh Sheriff looks down … creeping cactuses! The sheriff is dead.

Deputy moves forward and picks up sheriff’s wrist to double check, and then drops sheriff’s hand like a dead rat and takes a step back.

Deputy: Ewww! I hate dead bodies. I wonder who did this.

Sees killer sneaking off.

Dep: Did you kill the Sheriff?

Killer: Uh…no! Points to cow and puts gun in its hooves. She did it!!

Cow moos

Dep: You are under arrest mad cow!!! Sees that cow is toy. Hey!

Killer: now would be a good time for an Evil laugh! Laughs and runs to hide behind tree. Dep chases after killer, then killer throws mask over his shoulder. Mask hits Deputy in the head.

Dep: A clue!! I think… ahh turns mask around and shows underside to camera. Written in huge capitals is CLUE, followed by PROPERTY OF RIDE-ALONG ROXIE.

Scene 2: At the saloon

Deputy walks into saloon. Everyone is listening to the radio, and chatting. Pop music is playing.

Dep: Hey everybody! The sheriff’s dead!

Everyone gasps and the room goes silent.

Bar Tender: Cheese holds up cheese and crackers! Holds up crackers. You’re kiddin’!

Dep: I wish I were...launches into dramatic exaggeration about how the killer was as fast as a horseshoe and as strong as a lake.

Meanwhile, song “I shot the sheriff” comes onto radio. Killer starts singing along to it.

Killer: I shot the sheriff!

Katie: Really?

Killer: Uh…no.

Bar Tender: are you sure?

Killer: yes

Dep: Well the mask had Roxie’s name on it. I reckon that Roxie could’ da done it! Her name was on the mask.

Roxie: Right! Them’s fightin’ words! Deputy Beergut Bob, I challenge you to a shoot off at high noon!

Dep: why?

Roxie: because I’m bored and my social calendar is rather empty at that time of day.

Dep: Ok.

Scene 3: High noon

Deputy Bob and Roxie stand eye to eye.

Bartender: the winner gets a free round of cordial!

Killer: you go Roxie!

Katie: you go Bob!

Roxie: Right. We take 13 steps, and then we turn and draw.

Dep: Ok.

Katie hums cowboy tune.

Bartender: shush!

Katie: sorry, I thought that the moment needed something.

Dep: What comes after 7?

Killer: 8

Dep: oh. Thanks.

Dep and Roxie get to opposite ends. They both spin around at the same time.

Roxie & Dep: Draw!

Camera points at Dep. He’s pulled out a banana.

Dep: Hey! Where’s my gun?

The Camera points at Katie. She opens a lunchbox, and pulls out a gun.

Katie: Hey! Where’s my lunch?

The Camera points at Roxie. She has a pad and pencil and is attempting to draw a profile of Dep.

Roxie: Turn your head a little to the left… a little to the right…

Dep.: Is this my best side, or this?

Roxie: neither.

Dep.: oh.

Roxie: here we are!

Roxie displays drawing of Dep. to audience. Beer-gut is obvious.

Roxie: is it a good likeness?

Bartender: (laughs) yep, that’s Beer Gut Bob all right.

Dep.: Hey, that’s Sheriff Bob to you.

Roxie: Who gave ya get the promotion?

Dep.: I did.

Roxie: Hey! I’m a taxpaying citizen. How come I don’t I get a say about this?

Dep.: since when have taxpayers had a say about anything?

Roxie: I want a say!

Dep.: well who would you want to be sheriff?

Roxie: Uh… you.

Dep.: Then why are you arguing?

Roxie: I’m not arguing.

Dep.: are too.

Roxie: are not

Argument continues in the background, while other characters start up conversation.

Killer: (to camera) these shootouts just aren’t what they used to be since the pacifists.

Katie:(to bartender) who won the shootout?

Bartender: Dunno. Do ya think that we should shut them up?

Argument is getting louder in background.

Bartender: (spreads arms and speaks loudly to attract attention)

I declare this shootout a draw!

Roxie & Dep.: Why?

Killer: because we’re getting sick of your yapping. To the Saloon for cordial!

All make clicking noises with their tongues and pretend to ride off.

Scene 4: So who did shoot the sheriff?

All characters except for Dep. are standing against brick wall, as Dep. paces in front of them.

Dep: now I don’t know a lot…

Katie: that’s for sure…

Dep: shush. I know that one of you killed the sheriff. And I’m going to find out who, or else..

Roxie: or else what?

Dep: I’ll feed you all to the cow.

Cow moos.

Killer: fine. I confess. I did it.

Dep.: You did it.

Killer: yep.

Dep.: you shot the Sheriff.

Killer: yep.

Dep. eyes killer and frowns for a while.

Dep.: Thankyou partner! I’ve been waiting for a promotion for ages! Congratulations.

Leans forward to shake the killer’s hand.

Killer: uh ok.

silence

Bartender: is this the part where we’re supposed to ride off together into the sunset?

Katie: I think so.

Roxie: now where would we all go at this time of night?

Dep.: good point.

pause

Killer: why don’t we just go home?

Everyone makes noncommittal noises along the lines of yeah ok, sounds good to me, then walks off in different directions.

The End.