Author’s note: This story takes place in early Ireland around 331 A.D. Each of the characters has original Irish names. I will not give you a pronunciation guide because it’s your choice on how to sound them out. But for some things you may not understand, I will give a short definition.
Tuatha De Danann: the Irish gods of civilization
Fomorians: the Irish gods of chaos and the earth
túath: and Irish tribal community

To know more just go onto Wikipedia, that’s where I got most of my information. If things aren’t explained than they’re not too important. Please comment and critique this story, it really helps me with works to come.

I met her once when I was four. I, of course, knew her before that, but I was just an baby then. I remember few things from when I was four, and that day I will never forget.

My sister had dark brown hair that curled around her pale face and shining green eyes, filled with life, especially when she saw Daddy. He wasn’t my real father, but since by parents had died he took me in. The way she greeted him, you’d think Mhairi was in love with Ardan, my foster-father. He never told me if that was true when I asked him that night.

“Daddy,” I said softly in my young voice. I had always been a loud child but I felt that something was going to change the moment my sister walked through the door so I talked quieter. “Who is that woman?”

“It is someone closer to you than you think, Fand,” he said, gazing at me. “Her name is Mhairi, she is your sister.”

I shot up. “I mustn’t waste time then! We’ll start to play right away! You never told me my family still lived.”

Daddy shook his head. “I’m sorry, I never knew…not until a year ago. But my chance to have her is lost for I made a wrong choice.”

I tilted my head. “What do you mean?” He didn’t say anything, so I decided to ask another question. “Do you love her?”

He shot his glance to me and gave a face that told me to go to sleep. I nodded my head and rested my head on the pillow. Daddy left the room and I looked at him, my last good look at him, before I heard him leave. He never came back.

Tears flowed out of my eyes as I sat on the ground, crying for Daddy. It had been a week since he left, a week since his death. I had been abandoned, or that at least how I saw it. I remembered Daddy telling me how he had a hard time getting me. The people who lived across from where I used to live, the people known as Sîle and Cathal, offered to take care of me. I would have gone to them and asked to stay after Ardan’s death, but they had died in Mhairi’s absence. According to some villagers, it was because of grief. First Sîle came down with a fever that took her out in a week and after Cathal caught it, his end very much the same. I lived alone and never answered the door. I never walked outside the walls of the cottage. For a child of only four, I hated so much. But I, most of all, hated Emuin Macha, the túath I lived in.

My first attempt at burning the whole place failed miserably when I was caught in the act. My actions lead me to be banished into the forest. I was never to return again. It didn’t matter to me, I hated all the people there. When I was living solitarily they never tried to keep their voices low as they passed my home.

“They say a little witch girl lives there,” one would say.

“No, it’s probably an ogre, too embarrassed to show its face. I’m just glad nothing bad has happened yet,” the other one would reply. Perhaps it were these voices that lead me to try to burn the place. I wanted something bad to happen.

---

Ten years passed, I was fourteen and much advanced for my age. I lived on a farm in Mugdorna, Airgíalla. It was around where Emuin Macha had been. At that point the Three Collas had already burnt it down, as I wanted when I was young, and renamed the land Airgíalla.

I hated my job on the farm. I had to tend to the pigs; fatten them up, help them grow, wash them and such. There was no room for me in the cottage so I had to sleep in the barn with them. The only time I wasn’t with the pigs was when I was with Lorcan, the farmer’s son. I remember he’d always greet me with a kiss. Whenever I asked why he’d say, “Are my lips not grand enough for yours?” and then he’d kiss me again.

His mother, Máire, would send him over to give me more clothing, which were usually trousers and a shirt since working with pigs was far too messy to wear a dress. Lorcan’s father, Aodh, would sent food for me through Lorcan as well. I didn’t like them, but had to be grateful for it was their kindness that gave me a home.

“Fand,” I heard his voice from the front of the barn. In his hands he held two plates filled with food. “I brought you some dinner.”

I turned to him and nodded, leaving the pigs to walk outside. I was very hungry and dinner was much appreciated. I went over to the water trough and washed my muddy hands. That day I happened to be wearing a dress, pretty much the only one I had. It was one that Daddy’s mother had, I had taken it with me with another when I was banished from Emuin Macha.

“You look very pretty in a dress,” Lorcan said, handing me a plate. I nodded and took it. I looked up at him and he kissed me like he always did. I wiped my mouth and sat down. He laughed at my last action and sat down next to me. The second plate he had in his hand was his own.

“So how was work today?” I asked him while putting some potatoes into my mouth. I looked over at him and waited for an answer. Lorcan had light brown hair and hazel eyes and a freckled face. All the other girls that lived in the cottages around loved him and fought over him. I could never tell why, he was nothing special. He did know how to woo a woman though, according to some chatter I had heard. I doubted he used his techniques on me though, I was nothing special and never did I feel ‘wooed’ by him, or whatever one would call it, but then again I had always been practically emotionless. Or at least the positive emotions like love and happiness had been ridden of me, that’s what I thought.

“It was okay,” he shrugged. “I’m glad I could at least see you at the end of the day.”

I grunted and continued to eat. Why he was glad to see me, I had no clue. I thought I’d ask, “Why would you be glad to see me?”

Lorcan put down what he was eating and wiped his hands on his shirt. He turned to me and wiped some food off of my face. “Why wouldn’t I be glad to see you?”

I put down my food, knowing that it made sense for me to stop eating. “There are lots of reasons. First of all, I’m not that pretty, and I know many people care about looks. Second of all, I’m sure I smell bad because of the pigs. And…and…I don’t know. I’m sure you could come up with lots of others.” Looking into his hazel eyes, I could tell he was not pleased for some reason. It looked as if he were sad. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

Lorcan shook his head, “It is nothing.” We sat and ate quietly for a while, and then he spoke again. “What are your feelings?”

I looked at him and tilted my head. “Feelings? What do you mean?”

“You know,” he began, “Feelings. Who or what makes you feel hate?”

“Emuin Macha,” I replied immediately.

“Sadness?”

“Daddy.”

“Joy?”

I hesitated. “I do not know what joy is.”

Lorcan seemed taken aback. “Do not know what joy is? Surely you jest, every human being does.” I shook my head and found no further reason to speak. We would finish up and I would go tend to the pigs and he’d start his wooing, whatever that was, with the women; of them, one he was most likely to marry in few years’ time. Lorcan was three years older than I, seventeen, a common age for marriage.

“Love?” he asked after a while. I turned to him and scowled.

“I do not know what that is,” I said, harshly. “If you intended to anger me, you have succeeded. I’m finished my food here, perhaps you can collect my plate?” I stood up and walked back to the barn. “Save your feelings for your sweetheart,” I mumbled, loud enough for him to hear. Behind me I could hear his reply, something I had not expected.

“My sweetheart does not seem to understand them.”

I found myself having a hard time falling asleep that night. Something that had happened made me feel…guilty. It was an emotion I had not experienced yet, but I felt I would many times after. I wondered why Lorcan would ask me questions, the kinds I thought only suitable for someone close to him. His last words, My sweetheart does not seem to understand them, rang through my head. I thought he was practicing on me for his sweetheart. That offended me and the reason why I did not know.

He didn’t come to give me breakfast the next day. Instead his sister, Gráinne, did.

“Why isn’t Lorcan here?” I asked as I took the plate from his sister that looked like a more feminine version of him.

“He’s upset about something, I don’t know what,” she said, turning to leave. “Mentioned something about marrying no one else, he did. I don’t know what woman he was sad about, surely not anyone in this túath, he may be a flirt but he hasn’t chosen a favourite here.”

“Oh…” I said distantly and then turned back into the barn and to my pig companions. I ate quickly and then placed my plate outside the barn. I fed the pigs, washed them and let them be. I didn’t have anything else to do, so I decided that I’d go to the cottage, a place I rarely went. I quickly wash myself, put my waist-deep, auburn hair into a braid and then changed into another dress. This one was one of my mothers’. It was dyed blue with some flowers and shamrocks embroidered into it. I loved this one, it went well with my blue-grey eyes. I put on my boots and commenced my walk to the cottage.

It was a nice, warm day out. There was a cool breeze that was just the perfect temperature. My hair began to come out of it’s braid, the ribbon I had put in to hold it began to slip out. Eventually it did and I took my braid out, letting my hair fly loose in the gentle breeze behind me. I reached the cottage and knocked on the door. Máire and Gráinne should be about town doing some errands or spending time with the other women. Adoh would be working on the farm. So if Gráinne was right, Lorcan should be the only one home.

It took a while for him to answer, but he did. “Hello?” he asked, his hazel eyes barely open. He only wore trousers.

“Ah—um—s-sorry to disturb you,” I said quickly, finding words to say. It felt awkward talking to him while he didn’t wear a tunic, I hadn’t seen a man without a shirt on before. It didn’t seem weird to me, it was just…different. Lorcan looked up at me and his expression changed from tired to something else, I wasn’t quite sure what. “I just wondered if you were okay—Gráinne…she…she said you weren’t well and I finished work early so I thought I’d say hello…if that’s not too much trouble.”

He looked into my eyes and frowned. “You haven’t had any lunch yet, have you?”

I shook my head.

“Come inside then,” he moved over and invited me in. “We’ll eat together.”

I couldn’t help but notice that he did not greet me with a kiss. It bothered me for some reason. I just ignored the feeling though. He brought some cheese and bread and some wine made at the farm to the table he sat me at and we began to eat. I wanted to ask him something, the thing that had bothered me all night.

“Why did you talk to me about feelings yesterday?” I asked.

Lorcan didn’t reply, he just looked down at his food with a sad expression on his face.

“Perhaps you were using me as practice for you sweetheart? You mentioned that she did not understand while I was walking away,” I began. I was going to tell him how I felt at the moment for I realized what some of my emotions inside were like right then. “But…but thinking of you with another woman makes me feel...I’m not sure. Sad, maybe. And I feel guilt too, but I’m not sure why. I don’t think I fulfilled something that I should have.”

He looked up at me with a strange expression. “You feel a lot of negative emotions,” he said quietly. I nodded. I wanted him to give me advice, that’s the only reason I told him. He must’ve seen what I was looking for in my expression.

“I don’t know what to say,” he said, finally. “Or, I do but I don’t. I will say these things to you anyways, for you have told me your feelings. I was not using you to practice for my sweetheart, I have one but I’m not sure she feels the same way. And the fact that you would feel sad if I were with another woman makes me…it makes me…”

Lorcan stopped talking. The sadness came over me again. It made me disappointed that he had a sweetheart, but confused too. He didn’t know if she felt the same way. “How would you ever be able to tell that she feels the same way?” I asked. I wanted to help him, Lorcan was my only friend. I wanted to support him, even if it may not have made me feel right.

“I can’t,” he replied. “I could tell her but…well that’s not possible. I wouldn’t want to scare her away…” Lorcan looked down. I sat looking down at my hands for a bit, not touching the bit of food left in front of me. I felt bad for Lorcan and for myself for being upset about it. He looked so sad, I wanted to hold him in my arms until the pain went away. But I wouldn’t, what right did I have to touch him? And why would he want to be embraced by me when he would have his sweetheart in due time, for what girl would be able to resist such a handsome and kind man? Those were the questions that went through my mind in the silence.

I stood up and walked behind Lorcan’s chair with my back to him. “What is love?”

He didn’t turn around to speak, but I could see the sad expression on his face as he said it. “Love is…a confusing thing, Fand. It is sadness, confusion, hate, anger and passion,” he began. “To love and to be loved by one person is, as I’ve been told, one of the greatest feelings. But to love and for it to be unrequited is a sad and painful experience. I hope that whomever you learn to love will love you back.”

I started to walk towards the door. “I should go check on the pigs, please bring me dinner today, I missed your company this morning.” With that I left.

Dinner was a lot different that day. Lorcan brought me my food and we ate together, watching the sky. Once finished, Lorcan put his plate to the side and lay in the grass looking up at the sky. I finished soon after and copied his action. My skin brush against his and something in the pit of my stomach flipped, I wasn’t sure what the feeling was but it felt good; at the same time it made me nervous. A shiver went down my spine and I felt the need to move closer to him. I was sure he didn’t like it.

“Fand?” he asked.

“Hmm?”

“Should I tell my sweetheart how I feel?”

He brought her up again. Whoever that girl was, I thought I’d hate her when I met her. I felt tears well in my eyes. Why was I so sad? “G-go ahead,” I said in an unsteady tone. Lorcan looked at me and then sat up. I sat up as well.

“You’re about to cry, why?” he asked, wiping my tears away with his thumb.

I sniffed. “I don’t even know!” And then, as if a dam burst, the tears fell down my cheeks and, unconsciously, I buried my face into Lorcan’s chest. He wrapped his arms around me and began to stroke my hair.

Once I began to calm down, he pushed away from me and looked me in the eyes. My stomach flipped again.

“I’m so sorry,” I apologized. “It’s just you mentioned—and then—“

I was interrupted by my friend, no, to me it was clear he was more than a friend in my heart. His lips met mine, a truly sweet kiss. He pulled away. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him toward me, and kissed him back. Our lips parted again, I slowly opened my eyes to see his face close in front of mine.

“I love you,” he said, and he and I knew I felt the same.

---

It was seven moon’s until Beltaine, the beginning of the summer season, and my marriage. There had been a cottage built for the two of us to live in, close to Lorcan’s parents’. I had been spared the duty of working with the pigs once we announced our plans to his family. As Lorcan had said the year before, to love and to be loved by one person was one of the greatest feelings.

Máire had asked me to go out into the forest to pick some flowers. I did so obediently for there was nothing else to do. I hadn’t been in it the forest often, but was confident that I could get out safely. I traveled deep within it, jumping over tree roots, ducking under branches and being aware of the many animals the forest housed. I walked on realizing it took a long time to see a flower in the forest.

Finally, I reached them. The most beautiful flowers I had ever seen. They were a fiery red-orange with five petals. Their stems were deep green. The flower shone in the bit of sun that penetrated the forests canopy. I had to have them.

Slowly I walked to the plant, my hands outstretched and a childish smile across my face. I would have walked normally but something was pulling me toward them, and I didn’t like it.

You’re just as easy to manipulate…

I would have turned my head to see who had said it, but my feet would not stop.

Young Fand…your sister has left us…you’re our new plaything, no thanks to her…you’re weak, just like Mhairi…why don’t you stop?

The Fomorians. Something inside told me to beware. Something inside told me it was them. “Stop!” I yelled. “I don’t want to!” Suddenly I had control of my body. I turned on my heel and ran out of the forest.

You’ll never be rid of us…

I burst into my betrothed’s cottage to find Máire, with her head on the table and eyes staring at me.

“I-I’m sorry I didn’t bring the flowers,” I apologized. “It’s just…there’s something out there.”

I waited for her to respond. I waited and waited, no paying attention to the her eyes that remained open, unblinking. The front door opened and Aodh entered.

“Hello Máire,” he smiled at his unblinking wife. “Fand,” he greeted nodding his head. He looked back to his wife, a look of panic came across his face. “You’re pale, Máire, what is wrong?” He walked to her and put his arm around her. “Y-you’re cold as ice. Máire… Máire…please don’t be…” Aodh put his fingers to his neck. His hand dropped and he put his head on Máire’s shoulder.

I shiver went down my spine. “I…I…” I was speechless. Dead? How could Máire be dead?

“It’s you,” Aodh said just under his breathe, though I could hear it. “She stresses over you with no family.”

Not a word of protest came from my mouth. All I could do was think, why does he think this? Why? Why? I didn’t expect it, but my thoughts were answered by them. The Fomorians had answered my question, they had entered my thoughts uninvited.

It’s because you don’t belong, they said in their many voices tied together. Best leave now before your beloved turns against you too. Why don’t you join us…?

“Get out!” Aodh shouted, his hand on his dagger. “Leave this place or be forced to. You will not be wed to my son, he needs not such a nuisance as you. Leave!”

I slowly backed toward to the door. The blood drained from my face and I was cold as ice. I touched the door, opened it and then turned around, bolting toward the forest.

I had traveled deep into the forest until my legs buckled under me and all I could do was sleep. My eyes were swollen from crying. That night my dreams were strange. There was a girl with dark hair crying with her head in her hands. A boy, who looked similar, came up and patted her on the shoulder.

“It’s alright, Fionnuala,” he said in a soft voice. The girl—Fionnuala continued to cry.

“No…it’s not alright, Aodh,” she began. “Mother is dead and now we have to listen to that woman—that evil woman. I’m surprised mother is even related to such a woman.”

Two boys that looked the same—twins, came up and sat at Fionnuala’s feet. “We’ll always be together…always,” they said in unison. “Do not fear Aoife. We always have eachother. The bond of a family never breaks.”

Fionnuala looked up from her hands, her eyes similar to what mine probably looked like. “Thank you, Fiachra and Conn.”

And then my dream was over. Or that’s what I thought. The last image I saw before waking up were four swans, each tied together by a chain.

Even though it was daytime, I could barely see anything. The trees, unlike my last venture into the forest, did not let the sun pass through its thick foliage. I blindly continued for being anywhere but the remnants of Emuin Macha or in Mugdorna would make me feel better.

---

It had been a whole season that I had been living in the forest. Autumn seemed more like winter in the forest, with no sunlight I felt unhealthy and always cold. The Fomorians voices stopped and a new voice came into my head. It had been there for a few days, though I dismissed it as the Fomorians playing tricks on me. Fand…Fand…she is dying…Fand…our queen…the queen of the fairies…pearl of beauty…help us…Fand…Fand… they said. I never understood it. Clearly they meant another Fand, even though my name wasn’t too common.

Lorcan has moved on… they’d inform me sometimes. He is safe in Tír na nÓg…he has met Emer…

I figured that he would move on, but it bothered me thinking about it. Who was Emer? The voices did not answer that for me. All they’d say is, in time…young one…after your task is finished. After they’d tell me about the task, I’d question that but there would never be a reply.

There were more and more flowers showing up, similar to the ones I had seen in the forest on the day I left Mugdorna. I tried not to go near them, for when I did it was as if the Fomorians regained their power and could talk to me. Everytime I edged near the flowers they would critisize me or tell me how I did not belong.

But one day I saw another kind of flower. Everything on it was reversed on it. The firey red was what made the stem and the deep green was the colour of the petals. It was so strange…it’s beauty lured me in…this time I didn’t feel forced to go. I wanted to pick it and see the unique beauty of this plant. My hands wrapped themselves around it and I tugged, yanking the flower out of the ground.

A horrible shreiking sound filled the forest. I dropped the flower and covered my ears. The shreik turned into a creepy cackle and a shiver went down my spine. I turned around, finding myself face to face of a woman of great height. Her hair was black and fell to the ground. Her skin was pale as the moon and her eyes a luminous green. She looked to be not much older than myself.

“What do we have here…?” she asked, her eyes searching me. I felt very uneasy. “You are…Fand…of Emuin Macha…”

I stepped back. How could she know such things? My heart raced, my breath sped up.

“Don’t fear me, young one, for I can give you what you want…” she leaned forward so that her face was only a fingers span away from mine.

“P-please…” I found myself saying. “Tell me your name…don’t hurt me.”

The woman moved away, throwing her head back and cackling. She stepped back a bit. Her hair wrapped around her leg and she fell back onto her behind. “Damn hair,” she muttered under her breath. Standing up, the long haired woman looked down on me. “I am Aoife, daughter of Bodb Derg and I can give you anything you want for freeing me.”

“Freeing you?” I asked. “How did I do that?”

Aoife looked to the flower that lay on the ground. “I suppose that must have been the key, what held me in that air demon form. I didn’t know there was anyone stupid enough to pick something so strange, surely you know of the forest magic? Oh well, I am thankful nonetheless.”

“Air demon?” I asked.

“Yes, that is what Lir transformed me into after I relieved him of his…problems. Perhaps, if you keep asking questions, I might relieve myself of you.”

I stepped back with my hands to my heart. “I do not want anything from you.”

“Nonesense,” she walked closer to me and put her hands on my shoulders. “I have to exercise my magic, it has been at while. You do want something, don’t you?”

There was something about her that made me want to tell her. I kept my mouth shut. Aoife sighed.

“I want to use my magic, girl. If you won’t tell me what you want, I’ll just do the same thing I did before.” My eyes widened, wondering what she was talking about. I shook my head again. Aoife looked at me again, only this time she wasn’t searching nor trying to scare me. She looked at me as a person. She took her hands and brought them through my auburn hair. She touched my cheek and looked into my eyes. “It seems to me you aren’t even supposed to be here,” she said finally after a while.

“What?” I asked. “What do you mean?”

“Your existance was not wanted in the world. I think it is better I rid us of you. I do believe everything that was to happen or has happened has been set out of place because of you,” she frowned. Backing away, Aoife raised her hands in the sky.

“Out with you upon the wild waves, Unwanted Child,” she cried. “Henceforth your cries shall be with the flocks of birds.”

I gave her a questioning look. Nothing happened, not right away anyways. Aoife began to cackle. A thick sheet of fog surrounded me. The woman disappeared into its blanket, the last words from her lingered in the air for a bit. “Three hundred years on Lough Derravaragh, three hundred on the Sruth na Maoile and three hundred on the Isle of Glora. You are the last Child of Lir.”

I reached my hand out to her but she vanished. I could see my arm it was transforming. First my olive skin turned to white and then feathers covered it. Nose and mouth became beak, arms became wings, hair disappeared, legs shrunk and feet became webbed. The only thing one could see left of me was a bird—a swan in which diappeared from the forest and reappeared on the waters of a lake, Lough Derravaragh.

---

Some days I knew what was happening, others I didn’t. But most of all I had no idea. But not knowing was better, for the time passed by much faster that way. I had to worry about getting eaten by predators, for I was prey to many. There were four swans on the water when I arrived, aware of my surroundings, to Lough Derravaragh but the next time I knew everything around me they were gone. Sometimes I would find myself somewhere else. Most of those times I knew where I was. The lake at Emuin Macha. I would lose conciousness and then, coming to once again, I would find myself back in Lough Derravaragh.

Three hundred years must have past. I would find myself on the Sruth na Maoile each time I was conscious. I became less and less knowing of what was happening. It was a long time until I finally saw. The changes on the land I would float by had been great. Some trees had been cut and new buildings stood. Before I knew it, one hundred and ninety-five years had passed and I found myself once again on the lake of Emuin Macha. Everything was peaceful. Not a cottage on the land and the grass green. I admired it from the waters.

The silence was interrupted by the sound of hooves galloping on the ground. On it was a woman with brown hair curling around her face, green eyes and pale white skin. “Hello!” she called. I recognized her voice. It was Mhairi, my sister. My heart leapt. I wished to say hi, to go to her, but I couldn’t as a swan. Mhairi continued to call her voice sharp and urgent. I had believed her to be dead, to have died with Daddy but no, here she was, living and so young. Yet it had been five hundred years since I had seen her, how was it possible that she was still alive and so young.

I watched her as the horse she rode, which had been flying in the air, came close to the surface, not touching the ground. Mhairi hopped off, but as soon as her feet touched the ground, her body disappeared, like magic. I thought it was my imagination but I felt the need to say something. I forced it out of myself, it seemed as if my strong will to speak helped. I heard my voice travel with the wind saying exactly what I had said, “Goodbye, sister…”

---

The nine hundred years of me being a swan had come to an end. I watched as the sun set, still in my swan form, toward the west. I moved my webbed toes back and forth and swam toward the shore.

The sun disappeared and I found myself being transformed once again. Beak to nose and mouth, wings to arms, legs grown to human ones, feet un-webbed and normal; everything changed until I was human again. I lay sprawled on the sand without a stitch of clothing on my now wrinkled body. It was impossible to live as long as I had, I knew my time would come any moment. I was tired but would not sleep naked on the beach. I forced my elderly self to sit up. I rubbed the sand off of my wet face.

She’s coming! A voice screamed in my head. Fand is coming!

I looked around. I was Fand. I was already there. Who were they talking about?

The singing of a bird filled the air. I looked to the water, where the sound was coming from. A bird that I had never seen flew in my direction. It was beautiful. When it landed on the shore it was not a bird before me, but a woman.

“Fand, the unwanted and last Child of Lir,” she looked at me with her pale blue eyes.

I looked up at her and covered my nude self by pulling my legs to my chest. “I’m sorry, miss,” I felt the need to apologize. For what, I did not know. “I do not have much time.”

“I am Fand, Queen of the Fairies and goddess of the sea,” the woman, Fand, said, her head held high. She brought her hands down to both my cheeks. “Bring youth upon you, last Child of Lir. Henceforth you will be your rightful age in Tír na nÓg.”

Fand put a flask to my lips. I looked into it to see a kind of potion made of what looked like some sugar and spice and a weird looking fungus. I drank it even though everything in it was solid. She must have put a spell on it so that when it touched my lips it would turn to liquid. The taste of it was horrible but I knew I should take it anyways, for it was most likely going to bring me back to myself. Her fingers went onto my eyelids and shut my eyes. I couldn’t help but notice the spell she said was similar to the one Aoife had put on me before.

“Do not fret, child, my daughter Niamh will make sure you are well,” she said.

I kept my eyes closed for a while. Open, a voice ordered me, and I did so. I found myself on another beach. I was young again, though grown up much more. Something inside told me my age where I was, twenty-three. I knew where I was too. I was in Tír na nÓg.

“Mother has sent you here, I see,” a voice came from behind me. I turned to see a woman of great beauty. She had golden hair down to her waist. “Welcome to Tír na nÓg, land of the youth. You’ll meet my daughter soon, she is four years younger than yourself along with your niece who is the same age. You’ll also meet your grand-niece.”

My eyes widened. “Niece? Grand-niece? How?” I asked.

“Mhairi had a daughter with a man named Ardan,” Niamh said. I gasped.

“…With Daddy?”

“Your foster-father, yes,” she nodded. “And Emer had a daughter with a man called Lorcan.”

My heart lurched. “L-Lorcan? Lorcan of Mugdorna?” I asked.

Niamh nodded. “I understand you have some sort of relationship with him? I hope your friendship has lasted for these long years, or, to him, the nine years you’ve been away. Their daughter’s name is Aisling. She is now one year old.”

He’s mine, I thought, hate spreading over me. I didn’t care if she was my niece and I didn’t care about my grand-niece either. Emer could not take what was rightfully mine. “Let me see him,” I said in a level, but angry voice.

“Pardon?” Niamh asked. Her voice was sharp. I realized she was a respected woman and expected respect.

“Please, may I please see Lorcan?” I asked kindly.

“You wish not to see your nieces first?”

“No, I want to see Lorcan—please.”

“Very well,” Niamh sighed. “Follow me.”

I was taken further down the beach. I could see a man sitting on it, looking over the water. His brown hair stood out upon the white-sanded beach. He turned his head toward Niamh and I and then stood up. We came closer to him. He was staring at me.

“F-Fand?” he stuttered in disbelief.

Tears welled in the back of my eyes. “Lorcan!” I ran to him and wrapped my arms around him. My tears flowed from my eyes. His arms came around me and he began to stroke his hand through my hair. Niamh left, I heard her soft footsteps in the sand.

My sobs echoed on the beach. “Hush, it’s okay, I’m here,” Lorcan’s voice made me feel better.

“I…I missed you s-so m-much!” I cried. He pulled a piece of cloth from his pocket and used it to wipe my eyes. I sat down and he sat beside me, allowing me to lean my head on his shoulder. When I calmed down he edged away.

“Why did you leave me?” his voice was cold. I wanted to cry all over again but to do so would show how weak I was, which I had already displayed before. “I was all alone.”

I hiccupped. “I didn’t leave you. If it were my choice, I wouldn’t have even gone. It was your father, he blamed me for your mothers death,” I explained. “I had to leave before I brought anymore trouble.”

“By leaving you brought trouble,” Lorcan said, now sitting in front of me with both my hands in his. “I missed you so much. I thought I wasn’t good enough. It was just as well Emer came for me or I would have been miserable for a long time.”

I took my hands from his and turned my back on him. “I can’t do this,” I said. “You love her. But I love you and you do not love me. I cannot live with knowing I will not be with you.”

I felt Lorcan’s lips touch the nape of my neck. A feeling of want went all over my body. I wanted to have him, to hold him in my arms and for him to hold me. I wanted him to much but I couldn’t.

“I would never stop loving you,” he said in a quiet tone. “But I can’t leave Emer for a childhood sweetheart. I have a daughter now. Aisling is growing up.”

“Do you love Emer?” I asked in a sharp tone.

“Well, yes, but—”

“Then you cannot love me,” I stood up and walked down the beach, knowing I had to let him go.

“Fand! Please, come back, don’t leave me again,” he stood up and followed.

I did not look back. Tears were streaming down my face, I did not want to show him that it’d be hard to let go. “I’m not leaving,” I said, my voice wobbly, even though I tried to keep it under control. “I will be here, always. Even though being here with you and Emer will be the end of my world. Or at least the end of the world I know.”

---

I avoided Lorcan many times, but when I did see him he’d greet me with a kiss like when we were younger. At night I’d dream of the four children I had dreamt of before. I thought someone wanted me to know something they couldn’t tell me. The dream would be an amazing story, I never reached the end of it, unfortunately.

Emer was a good girl. I was sure that her and Lorcan were happy, even if the thought of them being together made me hate. Emer looked at my Lorcan with love and Lorcan looked to her with love as well, but not the same love that showed when he looked at me. It was more friendly. Aisling was a cute baby. I’d take her down to the beach and tell her stories. She’d play in the sand and tell me things too, even if they were a few simple words. She had brown hair like Lorcan’s with green eyes like my sister Mhairi and her daughter Emer.

One night I went to sleep, expecting to dream the tragic tale of Fionnuala, Aodh, Fiachra and Conn with the evil sorceress Aoife and their father Lir; the tale that had no end in my dreams. But that night it did not begin from the beginning, but towards the end. Four elderly people, a woman and three men, lay on the waters edge. They breathed slowly; in and out, in and out. They were dying. A priest came and baptized them into Christianity and they were buried. That was it. If Fand, the Queen of the Fairies, hadn’t given me back my youth my fate would have been like theirs.

I awoke, my pillow stained with tears. I was alone in the small house Niamh had given me. Sometimes being alone was good for me, but other times it was lonely. But that day it was definitely lonely. There was a knock on my door. I was surprised someone would come to my house so late, but then I looked outside the window beside my bed. It was already mid-day. I answered the door.

“Are you okay?” Lorcan asked. “You didn’t come out this morning and I was worried. Emer is not in this realm, Niamh asked her to do something. Aisling is with Niamh.”

I rubbed my tired eyes. “I…I’m fine. I just slept in, that’s all. Now that you know I am fine, you may leave now,” I said, shutting the door. The door didn’t shut all the way. Lorcan put his foot between it and the jamb. I looked at him quizzically and he looked at me. Though he wasn’t confused as I was. He looked at me deeply, so deeply my stomach began to churn. “L-Lorcan…” was all I managed to say before he pulled me in toward him and wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing his face to mine. I put my arms around his neck and the kiss lasted at long time. Our lips parted and we were both breathless. Lorcan held me close to his strong form and I didn’t let go. I never wanted to let go, not even if my life depended upon it.

“Please, stop this,” I said in a quiet voice. “Your presence makes me feel things I believe I am forbidden to feel, your touch is no better. You tempt me Lorcan, even though you yourself know it is wrong as well.”

“It’s hard, Fand,” he began, taking my chin in his right hand, “To let go of someone I love so much.” Lorcan bent down a kissed my lips. “I thought you left me because I was not good enough, or that you had died. It tore me apart but now…seeing you here…all my feelings are—are…”

He leaned forward to kiss me again but I backed away. “You have a daughter with Emer. You cannot love me. Throw your feelings for me away. The more you do this to me, to my niece and my grand-niece, the more you’ll hurt us all, including yourself.”

“But Fand, I do not love Emer the same way I love you. She is a good girl but she’s no you,” he said. I turned my back on him.

“I love you but I don’t. Do not come close to me again,” I forced myself to say. “A man cannot do this. And the fact that you do this to all that’s left of my family makes me ashamed. Leave, Lorcan. And please, never visit me again.”

I heard him retreat behind me. The door shut and I was alone…again.

“Aeb had died, but not before giving Lir children,” I began my daily tale to the young Aisling. “There was a daughter, Fionnuala, and three sons, Aodh and twins Fiachra and Conn. The children missed their mother terribly, for what child without a mother wouldn’t? Aeb’s father, Bodb Derg, wanted to keep Lir happy. Because of his daughters death, he gave Bodb another daughter, Aoife. Aoife was a beautiful woman with black hair that grew quickly, skin as pale as the moon and pale blue eyes. Her looks were mesmerizing, but her personality was uncharitable. But being the daughter of the king of the Tuatha Dé Dannan, she held some power.

“Fionnuala saw right through her from the first moment she came to their home. Her kind ways were always soaked in hate. She noticed that, most of all, Aoife hated her sister’s children. Fionnuala would avoid her as often as she could, though sometimes she would be forced into her company for her father Lir wanted her to do so. One day, she refused to do something Aoife asked and was struck across the face. This scared her so much that she ran away into the forest. Her brothers followed her sobs into the forest.

“ ‘It’s alright Fionnuala,’ Aodh tried to comfort his sister. Fionnuala continued to cry.

“ ‘No…it’s not alright, Aodh,’ she began. ‘Mother is dead and now we have to listen to that woman—that evil woman. I’m surprised mother is even related to such a woman.’

“Fiachra and Conn sat at Fionnuala’s feet. ‘We’ll always be together…always,’ they said in unison. ‘Do not fear Aoife. We have eachother. The bond of a family never breaks.’

“Fionnuala looked up from her hands, her eyes similar to what mine probably looked like. ‘Thank you, Fiachra and Conn.’

“It was unfortunate that Fionnuala was right. It wasn’t alright. The four traveled back to their home but were stopped by none other than the evil Aoife.

“ ‘Out with you, upon the waves, Children of the King! Henceforth your cries shall be with the flocks of birds,’” she recited. It was a spell, one that would rid the evil Aoife of the three children for nine hundred years, so she hoped. Their arms turned to wings, their noses and mouths to beaks, their behinds to tails until instead of four children, there were four swans. They were sent to Lough Derravaragh and stayed there for three hundred years. They were sent to Sruth na Maoile where they met a monk by the name of MacCaomhog. He collected all four swans and tied them together by chains so that they’d never be apart.

“There was a woman, the wife of the King of Leinster and daughter of the King of Munster who wanted the swans for her own. Deoch, that was her name, ordered her husband to attack the monastery in which MacCaomhog lived and seize the swans. During the battle the silver chains on each of the swans’ necks broke and they turned into an old, withered Fionnuala, Aodh, Fiachra and Conn.

“Being far too old for survival, they died. But before their death they were baptised and became Christian. They were all buried together, as a family.”

I ended my sad tale and looked down to the sleeping Aisling who lay on my lap.

“Fand! Fand!” I heard Emer screaming my name. “Fand!”

I took Aisling off of my lap and gently lay her down in the sand. It would be okay to leave her there. Tír na nÓg was safe enough. I ran to my niece. “What is it, Emer?” I asked.

“It-it’s Lorcan,” she said. I noticed tears were flowing down her face. “He—he…please follow me!”

I did as my niece wanted me to. We jogged to her home by the water. Opening the door she stepped to the side revealing a dead man on the floor, blood spilt all over the floor. I wanted to scream but my voice did not work for me. On the floor was Lorcan, he was dead.

“I came home and there he was…I don’t know what to do Fand,” Emer cried, putting her head to my shoulder. Her sobs filled the house.

I began to stroke her golden hair. “Calm down, Emer. I’ll get Niamh,” I said, trying not to cry. I slipped out of the house and ran on the beach as far from where Lorcan’s body lay lifeless. I bumped into someone and fell back. Looking up I recognized who it was. “Niamh!” I cried. “Lorcan! He is…he is…”

“I know, relax child,” Niamh said. “I am going over there right now.”

I nodded and stayed down in the sand. Niamh continued toward Emer’s house. Why was my life so wrong? Everyone I really cared for died. First was my parents and then Ardan and then Máire and then Mhairi and now, the one person I loved most of all, Lorcan. Was I really destined to be unhappy?

“Niamh,” I said quietly. She turned around. Her hearing had always been very good for as long as I was at Tír na nÓg. “Undo the spell that Fand put on me to make me young.”

“But you’ll die,” she spoke in a tone that was surprised. “You wish not to live?”

“I thought that being forbidden to be with Lorcan as a partner was the end of the world I wanted but a world without Lorcan, to me, isn’t a world at all,” I whispered. “Please, Niamh.”

Niamh looked at me and muttered something, but before I knew it, I was back to being old and wrinkled. My breath soon ran out and another had died in Tír na nÓg, that other was me.

My ending was similar to the one of the Children of Lir. Of course, I was never officially a Christian nor any religion. I hoped that Emer and Aisling would lead wonderful lives and that Aisling would know my tale. The tale of the last Child of Lir.