Dear S;

I want to know what we are. I want a straight answer, a yes or no, I want you to flat out tell me what is going on because honestly, I don’t know anymore. It’s like you don’t understand the concept of being a decent person or showing me how you really feel. Yes, I understand that feelings can be strange, but why do you have to make it that much harder? We have a connection, I don’t know what that connection is, but I know we have one. We wouldn’t have come this far as friends if we didn’t have something. What I don’t understand is why you insist on making things complicated. As I said, and as you know, I like straight up answers.

If you don’t like me then fine, I’m going to have to deal with that. Each and every day I think about what we could have been and what we are, if we could have gone the or any distance. I wonder if you ever liked me, if you do now, and if you don’t then I’m just going to have to move on and deal with it. After all, it’s your choice who you want to waste your time with, either me or someone else, but at end the of the day if it isn’t me then I’m okay with that, I’m okay with being your friend because that’s all we’ve ever been.

If you like me then kiss me. That’s it, just kiss me, under no other influences or anything else, just kiss me. And tell me that you like me, I’ll do the same, because it’s true. I do like you, I think I always have, but you have to understand how scared I am of any sort of relationship. They terrify me and I need help with them, I need help understanding what exactly I’m supposed to do. I’ll be surprised at first, but yes, I will kiss you back and most likely without hesitation because that is the type of person I am. I live by my heart, I do what it tells me, and if it tells me that your kiss means you like me as well then I’ll do what it tells me.

I’m not asking you to marry me. On the contrary, I’m not even sure I’m capable of a relationship, but I want you to be the one I find it out with. I know I can trust you, you’ve helped me in the past, and I know in the end you would help me get through this. I want to face my demons with you by my side, as friend, as a person who understands that being honest is so hard. I know you have the same problem, you always have, and there is no getting around the fact that you do. You admitted it to me that night we first met, the night we first kissed. I apologized for running away the next day, but I was scared, don’t you understand? I’m still scared, so scared of getting hurt, but I want to take that chance with you.

So how do you feel? Can you tell me? Can you be honest for even a moment and tell me that you like me or you don’t. I want you to tell me, I want to know the truth. If you like me for me or even if you’re just physically attracted to me, either answer will do, any answer will do. If you say you want sex from me and nothing more, I’ll say no, but at least I know where I stand. Don’t, however, do what you’ve been doing, acting like a boyfriend when we aren’t. Don’t wrap your arms around me like, don’t put your arms around me, not unless you tell me why, not unless you tell me straight up how you feel.

It’s hard to be honest, especially about your feelings, but I’ve done this once and I don’t want to do it again. I can’t, I don’t want to lose your friendship, not like I’ve done in the past with others. I just want you to tell me what it going on so I can stop thinking I have a chance, stop acting like you don’t know what you’re doing. Any answer will do, I don’t care, just tell me, please, I have to know. Was it the liquor? Did you like me? Do you want my body? Do you like now? I want to know, I have to know, please, tell me.

So, how do you feel?