Dear T;

When I was a child, my mother and father liked to push religion on me. I didn’t mind too much, I mean, I was a kid, I wanted to do what my parents wanted of me. So I went to church and sang along with all of those songs. I went to church and interacted with all of these people that were just so confident in their faith that it was almost weird to watch. Of course, I said I was steady in my faith as well. I mean, I was a kid, of course I was, I was steady in my faith because my parents were steady in theirs and that is what they told me. I went through every motion, I read the bible, I did it all, all while nodding my head and saying I was a Christian. In all honesty, I don’t think I even knew what a Christian was, but I went along with it anyway. Like I said, I was a kid, I didn’t know any different or better.

It was not until I got much older that my faith began to waver. It had to be the first time I felt true pain and the first thing I thought was that “how can God let me go through this type of pain?” When I asked my mother and father about it they simply said it was a test of my faith. I mean, what else could it be? So I decided to pray a little harder, I tried to clear my mind, live a good life, and do everything that would make my faith so steady that God wouldn’t see the need to test it. I thought that was going to make everything better, I thought it was going to make that sick feeling in my stomach go away.

You can’t even begin to imagine how it felt when that pain didn’t go away. I turned my eyes to the sky and screamed in one voice “why” to God. And then I stood there and I waited, I wanted an answer, any answer, and I got none. Instead, I continued to feel this pain, this pain that felt like my soul was being ripped out and stepped on. Now, though, I felt even worse. I had nothing to fall back on, my steadfast faith was so shaken now, I began to doubt whether or not there was even a God at all. Looking around the world I ceased to see the beauty behind it. Instead, I saw how ugly and tainted it was. I saw sinner, I saw myself as one of them, I saw people following blind faith, killing in the name of the God I once claimed to follow.

I was disgusted. In my darkest moments, I looked at the sky one more time and said “God, help me, I need you now more than ever, give me comfort.” And I waited. I sat there and I waited for something, anything. I didn’t want nor expect some huge sign to come crashing down from the heavens, but I wanted something. I wanted to wake up the next day and feel like yes, it was going to be okay, that the world might be tainted but I’m okay. It was all I wanted, it was comfort. I longed for it, I desired for it, I would have given anything for one moment when I felt like yes, God heard me, he was there for me, he was listening and I was going to be okay, that everything was going to be okay.

I got nothing. In my darkest moment I turned to God and I received nothing. It was probably the moment I hate to look back at when I think about how I’ve lived my life. It was the moment when I truly felt something in my hear turn to stone. It was the moment where I knew that everything I did was for nothing, it was the moment when I removed my cross and I have not picked it up since. Even now, I still have not worn one since that moment. It was a defining moment in my life, for me, it was the moment I turned my back on God. I did was he did to me, I suppose. My parents, they accept that I do not believe, yet they still pray for me, saying that someday I’ll see the right path, but I can only shake my head at them. As I walk my own path I find that I am okay with how it is for now, I am happy, even with that bit of stone in my heart. I do not think we humans are the greatest thing in the world, but I do not find myself believing in what Christians refer to as the holy one.

I’m okay without you God, I am not dependant on you, and for that I am not sorry in the slightest.