Chapter 11: Memory Lane

Chapter 11: Memory Lane.

The winds were softest here, held a kindness that I’d forgotten how to appreciate. The whispers of the universe were strongest at this spot, and if I listened just hard enough, I swore I could hear voices.

I’d stood on this beach so many times. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve wondered about the messages the voices are conveying.

Tonight, they whisper a different tune. The words seem nearly coherent…but only nearly.

I wear a long jacket. It’s called a “trench coat” in the charade, but its title matters to me very little. It’s always given me the sensation of near-flight when I wear it here. On this beach, down by the water and away from the secret entrance to the Façade….it is here I can forget the terrors that otherwise haunt my every breathing moment. And yes, the terrors are close. They create a different set of voices, but they are one I spare no effort to hearing.

The trench coat billows, my hair sweeps around my face, but despite the feathery tendrils, the ocean is still within sight. It is both calming and inspiring, both roaring and soothing. Beneath its crash, I can hear the most intense silence. If only I could dip into it as easily as my toes now sit beneath the water’s surface, if only that silence could sink into my mind and rid me of thoughts that inspire only dread. If only…if only…

If only I hadn’t saved his life. If only I could afford to let him go now. Let him die.

You’re being foolish Karel. You’re a warrior of the Façade! Where is your mind at? You know better than to tolerate these thoughts. There are other tasks, other swords to swing…other chores to ditch. Why waste time thinking of the mistakes already committed?

“But was it a mistake?” I asked the empty air, asking the voice of Either I’d just heard in my head. It was the exact admonishment he would have said if he’d been here. Where was he now? In a human cell, rotting away? On a scientist’s table of examination? Dead on a roadside? If only I could reach him….

If only.

Mistakes are stupid Karel. Mistakes cause guilt, and guilt is foolish. Guilt can run a life, and if it runs yours, where’s the fun in that?

“But guilt shows you what you care about.” I replied, knowing my words were falling upon the wind’s ears only. This was a memory. Long ago, oh how long ago it was. Either and I upon this hill, staring out at an ocean we would never live to cross….

Now you sound like our Master Karel! Regrets are such as bad as guilt, worse! Move past it.

“What if I can’t?” I remembered asking him. I couldn’t remember what this conversation had concerned, but I know it had nothing to do with Selent. Selent had still been in the Charade, where he should have stayed…..

Can’t? What the hell kind of word is “can’t?” It’s not in my vocabulary and I refuse to acknowledge it!

I smiled as Either’s voice fell silent. In my memory, we had turned back after this sentence. We’d returned to the only world we’ve ever known, the one that had birthed us and the same one in which we’d be buried. Our graves would be carved in its soil, our names written on its stone, and our bodies would become nutrients for dirt that was so deep, it should never have touched flesh.

Despite it being the end of the flashback, Either’s voice spoke to me again.

Lonely hill, Karel.

“Lonely heart.” I replied silently this time.

Never. It was a whisper.

“Either!” I cried, falling to my knees, splashing myself with saltwater. “What am I doing my friend?” I asked, putting my face in my hands. “I’m hearing such things. You should have heard Jeshshin! That I love Selent? How could you ever think that?”

He would not answer me this time. Not his memory. Not the Either of my own imagination. Either, wherever his spirit now lay, was silent.

“Where am I supposed to go?” I whispered, voice cracking. “What am I supposed to do?” I stared at my reflection on the water’s surface. The darkness blurred my image, but I knew I would appear frazzled. I was tired, exhausted, but I couldn’t stop, couldn’t rest, couldn’t give in.

Into what?

You’ve never been a quitter. Either’s voice in my head was clear as a bell, as if it had been waiting for me to realize something. Are you going to start now?

“What?” I shut my eyes as this mental thought took form but wasn’t spoken.

You’re a warrior. You’ve a duty to the Façade. Though I hate to repeat the lessons of our Master…I’ll tell you anyway… “if your heart is confused Karel, then focus upon your duty, because though your heart and its desires may change, your duty to your world will never change.” Master is right, Karel.

“My duty?”

Yes, your duty you dimwit. Your duty.

“If only you were here Either….” I nearly gasped the words. Tears were so close.

If only nothing! Damn it! If only nothing!

“But….”

If only nothing. There is no room for argument! You’re a warrior. You’re Karelis-cane, guardian of the Façade, and my partner. You are not allowed “if only.” Start fighting for something Karel. If you don’t, you’ll die. Fight for something.

“Fighting always was your way….” I hadn’t even finished these words, when I heard a call from behind me.

“Karelis-cane!”

When I turned, I saw my Master standing at the entrance to the Façade, waving at me. However, it hadn’t been him who called me. It was the little form who’d broken away from him and was running at full speed towards me.

“Jenin.” I gasped as the young boy threw himself into my arms. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

“No one will believe me!” He wailed.

“About what?” I asked, having forgotten I was kneeling in freezing ocean water.

“About what Selent said about the Complexities who are missing!” Sobs were mixed with his wails now. “And now Selent won’t say anything more to me about it!” He hiccupped. “I want Either and the others to come back Karelis. I want them back.”

His little hold was uncomfortable because it was so tight, but my chest would have been aching anyway. This little boy had been spending more time with Selent than I had. He’d adjusted to using his real name, and now he’d even forgot to use my title. What had really struck my heart though was that this little Complexity was suffering….suffering because of my lack of action. I’d set myself above my duty, I realized now, and because of this choice, Jenin was in tears. If only I’d done something sooner. If only I could have saved him this pain. If only….

If only nothing.

“Oh Jenin.” I hugged him close, knowing apologies would never make up for what I’d done to this boy. “Oh Jenin.” I kept saying, stroking his little ears with the pads of my fingers. They were so soft and furry. “It’s okay now.” I told him, and straightened. I swung him into my arms, and walked towards my Master. “It’s okay now.” I repeated. “Guardian Karelis-cane has come to her senses.”

“Guardian?” My Master inquired as I passed into the Tunnel. “Where are you going?”

Turning to face him, I paused. The words on my lips felt dangerous. Timidly, I tried them on for size. They slipped off my tongue, and for the first time in weeks, what I said was right.

“To right a wrong.” I told him and then turned to find Selent. It was time I remembered my duty. It was time the missing Complexities were brought home, and Selent was going to help me do it.