To be quite honest, I find it confusing. There are the moments where I swear that he likes me, that he really, really likes me, and then there are the moments where it's like nothing has ever gone on and we don't know each other. It's frustrating; you don't know how frustrating it is, and it makes me want to scream and run up and kiss him all at the same time.

His name is Connor and he is—to put it quite simply—not that amazing. He is an arsehole, he's a homophobic, he's cynicism and optimism all mixed into one; he's arrogant, he's ignorant, he's funny, he's dead serious; he's hard to figure out, easy to understand and he's the only boy I've ever really liked. And I can say that from my heart.

He can be a complete pig sometimes... like the day he kept saying that I was 'getting it on' with Rose-Anne, or the day he decided to call me a dyke for absolutely no reason. He's immature and he takes the piss out of people; he mocks my brother for amusement and he fights with Charlie all the time in French. He never really looks at me unless he knows I'm looking away, and when our eyes do meet, he acts like he's not even looking in the same direction as me—or even at me.

His smile is nice. I like the way his lips curve upwards and he looks almost sneaky. And when he laughs, he really flings his head back and lets it roar from inside of him like a lion. Sometimes his laugh gets a bit squeaky, but I do like his voice. It's warm like chocolate, maybe a little bit hoarse at the edge, but it makes me feel at home. I like the way his eyes look so small when you take his glasses off and the way he gets all annoyed if you call him a Jew; I like the way he sits on the wall and swings his legs when I walk past him.

The only bit I don't like is when he ignores me when I walk past him... when he doesn't say hello to me.

I like the colour of his eyes. I like the way his hair goes all curly when it's long—or longer than just before he cuts it, at least. I love the way it's a dark, chocolate brown and some times I just want to jump on him and touch it. I hate the way he ignores me when he's around his friends, but I did like the way he took the time to talk to me when I was on my own on Monday. That really, really made me smile. I like the way he's an utter retard but his heart's in the right place and the way he tries to act like he doesn't care when, deep down, he does.

I think I'm lucky that I like him. I remember when—way, way back when things were better and the world was good—I was with the original gang (all boys, mind you) and he'd take his space at the head of the table in the canteen, right next to the bin. Of course, he'd have to push it out of the way after he'd strode over, bouncing slightly and then slammed his chicken and mayonnaise sandwich onto the table, but that was his space in our crew and I grew to love it.

And now, as I think back, I honestly reckon that's when he found a place in my heart. I used to love waiting for him to come over, and I'd sit right next to him as well. He'd mutter shit about how he hated the 'bin seat' but we all knew he loved it. It made him feel like a King of the Castle and now that the bin seat has vanished—replaced by some skanky chavs—those days have vanished and I don't get to enjoy him like that any more.

I remember the day he chased Alex. He giggled like a little girl and I couldn't help but laugh at him. I don't think he knew that I was laughing at him—he must have assumed that I was laughing at what he was doing—but the way he kind of bounced across the playground and then tore after Alex... it reminded me of the old days. He reminds me of everything I used to have and I can't have, but he does it in a way that's okay, in a way that doesn't hurt.

I think that's one of the main reasons why—dare I say it?—I love him.

And you might think me stupid for saying that, you'll probably say 'She's far too young to be in love,' but fuck you. He's amazing and he doesn't know it. He can make me feel a million emotions all at once and he has no idea. I love the way he can make a whole day seem wonderful just by talking to me, and he can make me smile just by looking at me. It's amazing... I can't really describe it.

I don't know why I like him. I don't know what attracts me to him. It's not the way he looks or the way he acts... it's something deeper. I know he's a good kid, I've seen it—it's just that he's changed, and I've changed too. He makes me feel up and down at the same time; he keeps me guessing and he's like a roller coaster ride.

I love the way he makes me feel elated; the way that he makes me search for his face in the crowd. I love the way I can listen to music and make up all these little scenes in my head where me and him are dancing, and then I dance around my room Beauty & the Beast style with a little, stupid smile on my face.

I love Connor MacNeill and I wouldn't let anyone change that for the world. Ever.

author's notes :: i just needed to get this out. musings.