A Crapload of Cruddy Poetry for a Creepy Obsession I Had

Pixie L. Rigsby

Some poems I wrote in 1996...or was it 1995? All these were dedicated to David...I have for a long time considered him my first love. Even though I dated someone named Josh Davis for like, 10 months before I met David...and I only dated David for like, 2 months and a day. I met him when I was hospitalized for my mental illness for the first time. I was 16. We lived probably an hour apart, and only actually physically saw each other maybe twice in the entire time we were “dating”. It should be obvious, from the obsessive writing of this poetry…that I was a few fries short of a happy meal.

Little Letter
(written on May 10, methinks 1995, before we got together.)
I only met him twice
but his words reached my core
Little letter, I hope you make it
to the one I adore

Little letter, be direct
do not be led astray
Little letter, find his hands
that will be the day

When he sees you, little letter
he'll know how much I care
Little letter, hurry up
Fast as wind and air!

May he send another letter
to keep you company
May the other little letter
be sent directly to me

Loving A Stranger
(written on May 10, 1995)

We met each other
both with crisis in our life
Our hearts knew firsthand
hardship, heartache and strife

I never got to know him
but he's always on my mind
Those eyes and those arms
that heart which seems so kind

Who is he? Yet I care for him
I can't resist the danger
I'm putting my heart and life at risk

by loving a stranger

More Than Friends
(written on May 16, 1995 before we got together)
First I want to know you
I don't know where to begin
I have feelings for you
Is it such a sin

I know not who you are
yet I've memorized your voice
I can't stop thinking, I love you
It seems I have no choice

I'm willing to risk my heart
I will take that chance
To capture with you, my love
the sweetness of romance

Even though I know better
I don't want this to end
Though we don't know each other
I feel we're more than friends

Long Distance Love
(written on May 19, 1995)
Though the hours we have together
are far between and few
Long distance love is sweet
especially with you

I can't help my feelings
for you alone I care
That we live so far apart
My love, it is not fair

The thought of those sweet eyes
of you arms around me, draped
From this love I have for you
I find I can not escape

I care for you a lot
I am never sated
My heart will never die
my love has never faded

This love for you is special
a different shade or hue
Long distance love is sweet
especially with you

Our Forbidden Love
(written on May 20, 1995)
Our parents devise to keep us apart
after we've been struck by Cupid's sweet dart
The waves of love are beginning to start
they don't realize, I've given you my heart

What can we say or what can we do
to make them realize I need to be with you
Our forbidden love, do you feel that way too
It seems like I've known you forever,but it is so new

Freedom to Love
(written on May 23, 1995)
Freedom to love in this cruel world
however hard we try
Is hindered by chains of hurt
where love will wither and die

I won't let that happen to us
Hurt won't come as a shock
I've been hurt by another love
but these chains I'll unlock

Somehow, I'll work through this
obstacles may be many or few
I will know the sweetest joy
the freedom to love you

With your Love, You Change My Life
(written on May 25 , 1995)
I didn't mean to fall in love
It came as a surprise
So suddenly, I fell so hard
And nothing has ever felt this good
Before you entered my life
My life was empty and vacant
Now my love for you has filled this void
You make me feel complete

The words you write touch my soul
And make me cry tears of joy
I can't compare the past with you
Nothing before was so pure
Before your love, I never looked ahead
All was bleak and dismal
The future seems so bright now
You and my future are combined in one
You show me I have everything to live for
We help each other, you and I
We struggle with forces beyond our control
Which only serve to tie us closer together
I have never loved so deeply
And it's happening so fast
I wait for the day you hold me in your arms
And protect me with your love
With your love, you change my life

I Miss You
(written on June 1, 1995)
I think of you often
nearly all the time
I love you so much
is it such a crime?
I rarely see you
You live so far away
When will I see you?
When will be that day?

Spring is the Season of Beginnings
Summer is the Season of Love
(written on June 6, 1995)
The young couple on a spring day
notice each other for the first time

Love blooming through a seed of heartache
marking the beginning of romance
Shyly, they glance at each other
One looks away, and can't resist looking back
to see the other's downcast eyes
Suddenly, their eyes lock and hold
creating a secret, wondrous connection
with a smile, their hearts soon follow

Summer days are here, the young couple
can not forget the day their love began

With each day, their love grows deeper and stronger
Separated by miles, yet in spirit, they are one
Nothing in the world can separate their hearts
They have a love so deep, nothing matters to them
not even the distance that keeps them apart
They wait for the day they can see each other
That day will come soon, they can hardly wait
Until that day, they cling to their steadfast love

Hopeless
(written on July 24, 1995)
Nothing stays the same
No matter how hard we try
I just can't stay ahead of the game
All I can do is cry

Have I lost the one I love?
I cannot be for sure
Life had dealt me a great big shove
this is hopeless, there is no cure

Yes, hopeless. What else is there?
without you I feel so lost
How do I know that you still care
I'd keep you at any cost

Yet one day, something that seemed so pure
just wasn't meant to be
Yet the one thing I do concur
you are the one for me

Memories of Love
(date unknown, but I wrote this a few years later)
I can’t forget the sparkle
in those baby blue eyes
Your smile, your laughter, your love
Why did you tell me lies?

I can see you standing there
A smile upon your sweet face
You were there, then suddenly
you left without a trace

I want you to realize
I want you to see
There’s nothing left without you
You’re all there is for me

When you’re here, I feel complete
With you, I feel whole
I have given my life to you
My heart, my body, my soul

Boy Angel, where did I go wrong?
Have I been led astray?
My life has not been the same
since you took your love away

What happened to our love?
So fresh, and sweet, and new
There can be no others for me
I can’t stop loving you

All I can do is wonder
All I can do is wait
Am I destined to be alone?
For us, is it too late?

I can’t stop thinking of you
No matter how hard I try
When I think about you
All I can do is cry

You didn’t mean to hurt me
I understand how you feel
Your heart was in the right place
Even so, I love you still

Your memory remains forever etched
deep within my heart
From you, I can not separate
My love will never part

I can not forget about you
This bond I can not sever
I’m beginning to think
that I will love you forever

I want more than anything
to be with you, this I know
I want to hold onto you
and never, ever let you go

Let us look to the future
let us forget about the past
I’m willing to give it a chance
Let us make it last

Oh-my-GOD! What was I thinking??? We only dated like, a few months...and I was up this guy's ass metaphorically for YEARS! I spent way too much time thinking about him after we broke up. Seriously, I’d freaking stalk him every time I saw him. It was bizarre! I'm going to HAVE to write more poems...for my Scott. If only because I wrote so damn many for that buttmunch.

I say buttmunch, because years later…like, five years later. He’s working in the customer service center of Wal-mart in Greensburg. My grandmother was at the time in a nursing home also in Greensburg and my parents and I went frequently to see her. This is probably the third time I’ve gone up to see him while he’s working. He asks me if I want to go on break with him…and I’m thrilled. Soaring to the moon thrilled! So we go out to his car…he takes off like a bat out of hell and I’m freaked out completely. So different from the “Boy Angel” of the poetry huh? Then he pulls out this massive bag of weed.

Ok. He’s not the David I (snicker) “fell in love” with. At that moment, while he’s driving, packing his pipe, AND nearly wrecking the car in the process, I want nothing more than to never see or think of him again. Now I’m not a judgmental person. I didn’t care if he did it or not, and I don’t care if you do either. I have lots of friends (and family) that choose to do it. But please, for the love of God don’t smoke it in the car and pay attention to the fucking road please!

By some miracle, I can only think my guardian angel was working overtime that day…we make it back to the Wal-mart parking lot alive. I say “goodbye”, give him a half assed hug (because I’m sick to my stomach at this point and I’ve got a huge contact buzz going on) and book my ass out of there. .

So what’s the moral of the story? There isn’t one, really. The only thing I can think when I think of this is, “Oh, the wasted years…”