Torn Between Secrets

Chapter 1,

Losing my mind.

I have to be fucking losing my mind… there is No possible way I’m actually thinking this…not about Her! I cant fucking stand HER! But then…

Why is it my heart flutters when I hear her voice from behind me? Why is it I melt when she smiles? Why is it that I cant fucking hate her anymore?!

She’s done nothing but torment me all year, and yet here I am, sitting in physical science and feeling like I could cry because I’m so confused. It’s not fair! I shouldn’t be feeling this way about her…should I? I mean, I’m upset, but it has nothing to do with my sexuality, I knew I was bi and had been out for some time now, no, that wasn’t the problem at all. It was whom I liked that really irked me.

Bobbi Mason, she was a sophomore at my school, and just your everyday bully. She picked on just about everyone, that is if you were moderately good and didn’t do things like smoke or drink. Which essentially was me. Your typical little loser. I was chunky and in no way attractive, (or at least I think so) I wasn’t smart, so I couldn’t even be considered a nerd of a geek. I was just a loser. I even hung out with a bunch of losers. (It may not sound nice but hey, we already knew this, we’ve all admitted it, there’s no escape.)

Well not all my friends are losers; the others are either emo, semi-emo, or borderline of loser-dom and mildly respectable. But it can’t be helped. I’d rather be a loser then a prep any day. And there was no way I was going to pass as a jock.

So I was a loser, and that’s exactly what people like Bobbi fed off of. Now I’m not easily intimidated, and that’s probably what got me on her bad side to begin with. She came over one day, tried to mess with my friends, and I told her to shove it, (kinda) and now, she hates my friggin guts.

Which is another one of my biggest dilemmas. We hate each other! That’s why I probably, aka most definitely should not, be having these feelings. And you know whose fault it is? My damn dreams, that who’s!

I had absolutely no feelings towards Bobbi until the other night, when I had I dream about her.

I was sitting in the art room, which was somehow my room as well, and she was there too, sitting on the other side of the room, being her usual loud and cocky self while I was being my quiet and diligent (but only when it comes to art, which I love by the way) self. The teacher was in the middle of a long rant about some variation of colors or something and that’s when Bobbi decided she needed some entertainment, at MY expense.

So she got up and sauntered over to my desk, and started playing with a paperweight that I had. (I love this paperweight might I add. It was so cute. Glass and in the shape of a diamond with the word love and a little couple kissing etched on the inside. Come to think of it, now every time I look at it I’ll think of her…)

At first I just ignored her, hoping that she would just leave me alone, or better yet, die, but when she decided that she wanted my paper weight more than I did and she picked it up to walk away, I snapped.

I mean it. I fucking lost it. I hopped out of my chair and yelled at the top of my voice, not even giving a shit if I made a scene, enough was enough.

“Bobbi, put it back, right FUCKING NOW!” I shouted, anger seething through me, I could feel my face heating up and tears stung at my eyes, angry bitter tears.

She turned to look at me, a look of pure fury on her face as well. Not many people stood up to Bobbi Mason, and she wasn’t going to let me be one.

“Sit the fuck back down.” she scowled, making to turn back around.

But see, I wasn’t going to back down either.

“I said Put it BACK! I’m tired of this shit that we go through all the time! You’re nothing more than a two-bit bully and somebody need to put you back in your place! So put the fucking thing back down and leave me the fuck alone! If you’re that goddamn miserable that you have nothing better to do than spread it to other people than I feel pretty damn bad for you! Cause you THAT pathetic!” I screamed, feeling the blood rush to my face. I felt dizzy, and I knew I was probably shaking, I was just so angry. I didn’t even know why, I normally wasn’t so, Well angry…

But god I really hated this girl, she needed to be told these things, I needed to say them. But then, if this is what needed to be said. Why did I feel so crappy about it?

I expected Bobbi to be freakin pissed and like launch at me or something, but she didn’t. And that’s what shocked me the most.

She looked…hurt…

Her normally lively eyes seemed to dim and take on this look of pure regret. But I couldn’t figure out why. Then she just turned and bolted out the door. Leaving me behind in a classroom of wide-eyed students.

Some people clapped halfheartedly, but two of my best friends, Brookesany and Stephanie, stood up, shot equally hateful glares at me, and ran out the door after her.

I stood there myself, watching as they took her side. Which I had just assumed they would take mine! I was their friend after all! But then again, they liked Bobbi, they thought she was cool, (probably because Brookesany could make friends with ANYONE and Stephanie smoked, so they were never really on the receiving end of her insults) they were always trying to tell me that.

But Still! I was more important! Right?

Another wave of anger rushed through me and I wanted an explanation damn it! So I took off after the three as well.

I found them in the hall; Brookesany and Stephanie huddled around Bobbi, who was sitting at the desk outside of Mr. S’s room. She had her head cradled in her hands and she kept shaking her head. Stephanie patted her on the back and Brookesany was talking quietly to her, hoping to cheer her up.

I approached slowly, chewing nervously on my bottom lip, for what reason I didn’t know.

Brookesany saw me first and backed out of the way so that I could fully see Bobbi. As if saying, ‘hey, look what you did!’

Bobbi looked up at me from her hands, well more like she Glared up at me. And I felt like my heart collapsed. That look on her face, was so hurt…

“What?” I managed to ask after a moment. My throat felt like it was closing up.

“You should apologize.” Stephanie said, eyeing me carefully. I stared at her in disbelief.

“What!? Me? Why the hell should I apologize?! She’s the one messing with me!” I cried, feeling utterly betrayed.

“She only does it cause she’s mad at you.” Brookesany said, tossing her head back to flip that perfect hair out of her face. I just stared at her.

“She’s mad because you asked Samantha out and not her.” Steph clarified. I blinked.

‘Wait, what?! Samantha? My ex? Why the hell would that bug Bobbi? She didn’t even know! I never told her! What the hell was going on!?’

And that’s when it hit me. Bobbi was jealous…which meant that she…liked me?! What the fuck!?

“I don’t…I…” I couldn’t even manage words now. It was all too much…all I remember was locking eyes with Bobbi, reveling in the beautiful shade of hazily gold, and feeling completely helpless.

Then I woke up.

And that’s how I got started. Because I started thinking! And thinking for me, is very bad…because I have ADHD, I tend to think too much. And that’s how I ended up here.

Sitting in science, feeling like I could cry…and all because of Bobbi freakin Mason, the person I hated, but was falling for anyway…

God I’m so confused…!

Later that day, 7th hour passing time

I pulled my book bag closer and continued walking; past hoards of students all rushing to their last classes of the day. Meanwhile I’m heading to the front doors, if I stick with the throngs of teens I’ll be able to get outside completely unnoticed. It’s become almost an art form now, skipping classes.

I had my own reasons for doing so, one is because I fucking hate Personal strength, I’m not getting a credit for that class anyway, so why bother going and embarrassing the hell out of myself in a class full of gorgeous people, when I can just hang out back behind the Y and read or listen to Jeffree Star? And two, because it made me feel so great, like alive! Yesterday, I even went as far as walking across town and back before the final bell, it made me feel almost rebellious, which is a feeling I really liked, I’m tired of my usual good-girl nature.

I walked confidently out of the school and across the yard, reaching the street I crossed quickly, avoiding all traffic and making it over to the school parking lot in no time. Once there I turned slightly, curving my path and rounding to the back street, the one that led to the ally behind the YMCA. It was quiet and secluded, so like the perfect place. I thought about dropping my bag off there and walking again, maybe I would go get a cappuccino from Sites, since it was cold and all, freaking end of April and chilly outside. Go figure, but the weather was always fucked up any more, my bible-hugging grandma says it’s because the worlds coming to an end.

She also thinks that she’d going to rise up to heaven and be with her savor, while I, with all my Bisexuality, was going to be stuck down here with all the undead. My response to which was, “Whoot! Zombie party!”

I passed by this kid while walking through the parking lot. He looked like a thug and honestly I wanted to avoid him, but wasn’t going to go out of my way so I just shrugged it off looked straight ahead and kept walking. But as I predicted, he spoke to me.

“Hey, you gotta cigarette?” he asked, his voice even sounded retarded.

“Nope, I don’t smoke buddy.” I said, he looked more than disappointed, for a moment I though he might like try to jump me or something, but he just kind of slunk back to his car and I continued my short trek.

I hit gravel seconds later and listened to the sounds of my shoe grinding against it. Two weeks ago I wouldn’t have been this confidant, and I would have been casting nervous glances over my shoulder, but now I was just like, fuck it, what are they going to do?

I was about to slip behind the large pine tree when I heard the sound of footsteps on gravel; I turned just in time to hear the person speak.

“Hey skipper.”

There, standing behind me with her hands on her hips and a cocky smirk on her face, was Bobbi Mason…

I swear…I’m losing my mind…