Somebody’s Daughter

She’s smoking again. Long, lazy drags punctuating the silence between us. I watch her in the drabness of the cramped living room we’re sitting in. She doesn’t belong in a room like this, I think, the light’s all wrong for her, makes her look dull and finished when before she was vibrant. When I knew her she used to take lots of photographs, mess them up on Photoshop until they were unrecognisable, an arty mismatch. Does she take photos now? I don’t know, don’t know her anymore I suddenly realise but I’m here with her nonetheless, sitting uncomfortably with her in this airless room.

‘So you’ve got a job.’ She’s facing me now, slightly mocking smile on her face and the cigarette is dangling between two fingers, the nails of which are painted purple. Obviously she knows I’ve got a job because I’m wearing a black business suit with power pearls and heels that I can barely stay upright in while her feet are bare and her tattoo is poking out underneath the strap of her vest top. She’s tanned too- Nicki always managed to be tanned. What I want to do is force her to tell me why she called me after nearly five years of not communicating. But however much I’m out of the loop with her I know that interrogation isn’t the way to get information out of her so I humour her.

‘Yeah, PricewaterhouseCoopers, cool huh? I have my own office.’ I force a smile back at her, she’d hate my job, think it so boring she’d want to die. An image comes to me of her smoking at my desk, feet up and swigging from a can of cider and a genuine smile creeps across my face.

‘Bet that pays well. Where’s the suit from? Gucci? No-’ A thoughtful drag on the cigarette, ash glowing briefly in the gloom- ‘Armani.’

‘Topshop. But the pearls are real.’ Both of us laugh, a shared connection that’s lost almost immediately. The smile seems to slide off her face as she stubs the cigarette out in a saucer and reaches for the packet almost before she’s lost her grip on the old one. When the packet is shoved near my face with the ‘Smoking Kills’ tagline directly in my eyeline I just raise my eyes disapprovingly. This seems to amuse her.

‘Still a good girl then. I always knew you’d go far in life, Katie.’ Instead of congratulating me this acknowledgement of my success feels strangely insulting coming from her. It brings back the old frustration that I felt with her, even at the age of eighteen when I last saw her and prompts me to ask my burning question.

‘Nicki, why am I here? I mean, not that I’m not happy or anything. It’s great to see you, I mean really it is. It’s been too long, hasn’t it? It’s just…’ My pointless babbles drift into nothing.

‘Why now? Why you?’ She makes a dramatic gesture with her arms; the sarcasm is making me uncomfortable as if she’s beating me at my own game. I was always the sarcastic one. So I just sit still and give her my best searching look.

After a while she gives. ‘I suppose Jackie’s informed you of my situation.’ She has, although I was unsure of how much to believe, I mean after all this is Nicki, ninety percent of rumour is usually untrue. As for the other ten percent, well, Nicki was always the wild one in the group.

‘D’you want to see her?’ When I don’t respond immediately she gives into sarcasm completely. ‘Oh come on Katie, you love babies, don’t you? Weren’t you always the one defending them when I said they were ugly? All babies are beautiful, aren’t they Katie? Changed your mind?’

Typically I try to pacify her. Five years apart have just made her more confusing to me, I don’t know what she wants really, but I figure she’ll tell me eventually. When she’s ready. Everything on Nicki’s schedule, I think with a sudden burst of irritation.

‘Yes, Nicki, I want to see her.’

‘She’s in the bedroom.’ I wait for a few seconds to see if she’s going to go and get her but when she doesn’t move I rise uncertainly to my feet and walk into the tiny equally uninspiring corridor. Bathroom on my left, kitchen ahead on my right. I feel my way through this dingy flat all the time trying to figure out what she’s going to ask from me. Money, I decide, as I push a door open and glimpse a bed, a cheap chest of drawers, she must be broke. When the door’s open all the way I see the cot, looking oddly like a prison cell stuffed in the corner. On autopilot I walk slowly over, still not really thinking there’ll be anything in there, surely not even in Nicki’s life.

She’s awake, kicking her legs and waving her hands in the air. Nicki’s daughter. An irresistible smile breaks over my face when her eyes fix on me. She’s adorable and I have to pick her up, just have to. As I carefully cradle her, this illogical rush of affection rushes over me for this girl, unrelated to me in every sense, completely alien but beautiful and innocent. She’s right, about me loving babies, I pretend I’m this big career person but secretly I wish I could get married to someone kind and dependable and have about four kids. I love her, this baby so content in my arms, love having this warm weight in my arms.

I’m grinning madly as I walk back into the other room and sit down with her on my lap. She says nothing as I make baby noises at her daughter, just smokes.

‘What’s her name? Nicki?’

‘Moonbeam.’ Apparently I can’t disguise the look of disgust on my face because she lets out this short bark of laughter. ‘Lily. I’m not cruel, Katie.’

‘She’s beautiful…gorgeous. And Lily- I love that name.’

‘I know. I knew you’d love her too. You do don’t you?’

‘Of course! She’s adorable! I bet everyone loves you don’t they?’ As I say this I place a kiss on Lily’s downy head and she giggles, making my heart melt. Nicki doesn’t smile at all at this display, her expression has changed to one of grim conviction.

Now she’s making me uneasy. Something’s obviously wrong with this scene but I’m afraid to ask what for fear that she might actually tell me. Nicki used to have a habit of being far too honest when lying which have been far preferable for everyone and I’ve got a feeling it’s something she’s carried with her into adulthood. As I bounce Lily on my knee I try to think of something to say and keep coming up blank. I certainly can’t ask about the father, probably some pot smoking artist, and I’m not going to berate her for smoking in front of her tiny baby because she gets kicks out of being bad and acknowledging her mini rebellion will only encourage it. One half of me is seething because surely this lovely child deserves more than this nothing existence that Nicki is living but the other half’s totally unsurprised because after all this is what I half expected of Nicki’s future- failure, depression, waste.

She doesn’t ask for her baby back or even look at her properly.

‘You’ve got a nicer place than this haven’t you, Katie?’

An unusually direct question from her. ‘Well……yes I suppose. Look, Nicki-’

‘Set up for money?’ Her hands are shaking as she furiously stubs out the cigarette.

‘I’m….I’m not badly off.’ My arms, holding Lily are stiff; my whole body is tense with anticipation. What the hell does she want from me? ‘Nicki, what’s-’

‘I can’t do this anymore.’ This is spoken relatively calmly as if she’s glad she’s got it out.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

‘Can’t do what?’

‘Her. This. Everything.’ I actually feel physically repelled by her emotional distance and dismissal of her daughter. A part of me that doesn’t usually make a lot of appearances wants to smack her blank face. But no, I remind myself, be rational, because she sure as hell hasn’t improved on that skill over the years.

‘It must be hard on your own, I know. Of course it is. But, Nicki- you don’t have to be alone anymore. I’m willing to-’

‘What? Take her for a walk every six months or so? Send some expensive present that you picked up because you thought it was just so cute? No. You have no idea, none at all.’

It shocks me, the malice in her voice, makes me angry and pushes me into retaliating.

‘You know what, Nicki, this isn’t my fault, OK? You’re the one who went and got yourself pregnant. What was it, one night stand after a fun filled evening of drug taking? Well, whatever, not my problem. Sorry that your beautiful daughter is cramping your style but you know what? You’re just going to have to cope like everyone else.’

I finish, breathing heavily and the room is plunged back into silence again. Lily’s fussing so I stand up and walk a few steps one way, a few steps back, jiggling her in my arms till I’m calm again. She’s just looking at us wearing an annoyingly superior look that says loud and clear: ‘I’m right, you’re wrong.’ Still, I regret what I said.

‘Look Nic, I’m sorry, OK. I didn’t mean that.’

‘Yes you did. I’ve always annoyed you, I know.’ She waves me away before I can even deny it. ‘No, it’s OK, you can’t help it. We’re different, me and you. Maybe I am annoying, I don’t know. But I meant it, Katie, and maybe I’m going to hell for it, but I don’t want this life anymore. And that includes her.’

Even before she’s finished speaking I’m shaking my head wildly, in total denial that she could even say something like that. And I’m already making excuses for her in my head- she’s tired, probably hasn’t slept in days, just run down and exhausted and needs a break. Maybe it’s that postnatal depression thing and I can take her to the doctor, be a hero for spotting it and afterwards, when she’s better we’ll take Lily to the park together.

‘You don’t Nicki. Maybe you think you do but deep down you can’t. I mean she’s your daughter for Christ’s sake. You love her. Look at her, OK, she needs you. You’re just tired and you haven’t been looking after yourself. And it’s OK, I’m not judging you and I’m going to help you, properly yeah? I’ll come round and…and maybe sometimes she can stay at mine, take the load off yeah? Whatever you want. Nicki?’

Her face has broken into a sardonic smile that shows me that she hasn’t listened and hasn’t heard a single word of my desperate speech.

‘You always try to see the good in people, don’t you Katie? Even after all this time. Even in me. That’s what I liked most about you. That’s why I called you and not Jackie or Lucy or any of the others.’

‘Nicki, what the hell are you talking about? Have you heard a single word I’ve just said?’

It’s as if I’m not here as picks up the saucer, sashays over to the window and nonchalantly chucks the contents out the window. She leans on the windowsill, facing me square and confidently.

‘I’ve got this mate yeah, reckons he can get me a job. He’s opening some art galleries, needs someone to take care of them, maybe I could even get some stuff put in them if I play my cards right.’

‘Where?’

‘Everywhere. Paris, Berlin, Tokyo, take your pick really. This guy, he’s got plans, real big vision you know? It’s great, Katie, really it is, new start and all. I could make it you know? But while we’re starting up there’s going to be lots of travelling, probably in the back of a van, and not a lot of money. I mean, I can’t take her with me, even if I wanted to, it wouldn’t be fair, surely you understand that? Kids, they need stability and all that.’

This is the most animated I’ve seen her the whole time I’ve been here. Her face is lit up and her hands are moving as she talks and there’s a genuine smile stretching from ear to ear. I want to cover Lily’s ears so she doesn’t hear her mother rejecting her for some stupid whim but she’s oblivious.

‘Don’t look so sad, Katie. Some people just aren’t meant to be mothers.’

‘Some people don’t deserve to be.’

I wish I could say that this comment makes her wince or even that she yells in my face that it’s not true but I can’t. Instead she shrugs her shoulders in agreement, her whole body a picture of perfect calm.

‘Right. Right then, so what? Lily’s going into care is she? She can spend her whole life in some institution and end up like you. Is that what you want?’

I don’t even care if I offend her now, I just want a reaction, a break down, anything to show me there’s some hope of getting through to her.

‘No. She’s not going into care.’

‘Where then? Does your mum even still speak to you? I know, why not just put her in a cardboard box and leave her at the side of the road, I’m sure she’ll be just fine.’

‘Katie. You’re going to take her.’

She’s moving away, away from me and my shocked white face into the other room and I can’t grab her without dropping Lily so I follow her. My head’s whirling and this surely cannot be happening, anytime soon I’ll wake up.

‘Nicki, are you crazy? You can’t just give me your baby! Are you on something? Nicki!’

There’s a holdall on the bed, she’s gesturing to it, words are coming out of her mouth that might as well be about the weather, the tone’s so casual.

‘That’s her stuff in there. There’s not much I’m afraid, pretty crappy stuff most of it but she’s quite attached to some of the toys. Pram’s in the kitchen. It was second hand so one of the wheel’s a bit dodgy but you’ll probably buy her a new one anyway so it won’t bother you for long. I’d let you take the cot but it’ll be a pain to disassemble it, better off just sticking her in one of those travel things until you do up her nursery properly. She’ll have her own room yeah?’

Somehow I find something to say to follow her crazy ramblings. I feel like I’m talking her down from a ledge.

‘Nicki, Ok, you’re obviously not well. Maybe you should go to the doctors, get something to help you think straight. Nicki? Yes?’ No answer. ‘Look, in the morning you’re going to think differently so why don’t I put Lily in her crib and the both of you can have a nice sleep. I’ll come back in the morning and we can talk, I’ll take the day off work.’

Her hand’s on the bag and suddenly her voice is slow and deliberate.

‘No, Katie. I don’t want her here anymore. Not tonight or ever. I’m not cut out for this, I never was.’

Lily snuggles into my shoulder, making this adorable snuffling sound like she’s tired and I realise I can’t leave her here, not with Nicki in the state she’s in. Still, I can’t quite accept the reality of the situation. Is she really going to let me walk away with her baby?

‘Ok, Nicki. I’ll take her- just for tonight so you can get some proper rest, you look knackered. I am bringing her back in the morning. Ok? Do you understand? We are going to sort this out.’

She hauls the bag past me and dumps it on the floor by the front door. Eventually she turns to face me as I cradle Lily, now fast asleep in my arms.

‘It’s already sorted. It’s for the best, really.’

I consider arguing with her, reinforcing that it’s temporary but the blank look’s back and I know it would be pointless. Instead, I find the beaten up excuse for a pram in the kitchen, lower Lily into the seat where she stays sleeping like an angel and wheel it with difficulty into the hall. The bag’s ridiculously light and it goes over my shoulder easily. When I stop in the doorway to look at Nicki the haze of smoke has returned, brand new packet having taken it’s place on the table.

‘Nicki? We’re going now.’

‘Yeah. Bye.’

She doesn’t turn and as I take in the last glimpse of her face, her profile half in shadow, there’s no single tear running down her face, only smoke in a cloud around her head.