dance

i want to believe i was made to dance in white dresses.

please,
tell me that you will love me despite the scars,
despite the bleeding, and the reasons i never feel
the same way. i need to know how much this means
to you. because it never meant a thing to her. tell me
that you know how it feels to be numb inside: nothing
inside of you and everything and everyone on the outside
is a void. i wish she knew how much i would be willing
to trade if she could only see and understand me now.

no one could know what it’s like to feel this worthless:
to be and feel so distant from everyone, and knowing
that i don’t want this to happen. i almost wish i could
stay wrapped in my security blanket and never leave
again. this is fear at it’s worse, gripping me and not
wanting to let go. i just want to get away from here
and never come back (but we all know i could never
do that – such disappointment would leave me guilty.)

i don’t want to be strong anymore.
i don’t want to be pretend –
(but no one can understand
this bleeding girl, who has been
suffering in silence for two years.)
i don’t want to be what i am now but
i can never go back to who i was before.

there is nothing left to bleed anymore.
i don’t know which is worse: wishing i were dead
or not wanting to even exist at all. there are words
i could never say and emotions i could never describe.

i would rather be alone than in a room full of people.
and i would give anything to be in a room with her.

i want to believe i was made to dance with you.