I.

An orderly leads him in, the same one as usual. The orderly isn’t really taller than Aaron but he still seems to tower over him somehow. In his torn hospital clothes, it always catches me off guard just how small he is now. He was never biggest kid but I guess I expected him to flesh out a bit after puberty. I always thought he would end up bigger than me. All the drugs must have stunted his growth. It’s standard procedure that in-patients be restrained during visits. My brother is the reason why they have this procedure. His wrists are scarred, bruised and raw from struggling against the handcuffs chaining him to the table bolted down between us.

“This place is a prison.” And he starts again with the familiar rattle of the chain.

“You’ve been in your own prison long before you ever got here.” He looks at me with his dead green eyes.

“We’ve had this conversation before.”

“I know. You’re the one who started up with it again. What do you expect me to do?”

“You put me in here. You can get me out.”

“No. We’re not having this argument again. You have a problem, even if you don’t want to acknowledge it. You’re here to get help. The only person who can get you out is yourself.”

“Angus!” He grabs at the tufts of hair on the sides of his head in frustration. They won’t let him keep up his Mohawk. They won’t even let him use scissors anymore since the first time he hacked half his hair off. I don’t agree with that but the doctors seem to think he needs to give up every aspect of his old lifestyle. It seems like they’ve taken away the last dregs of his identity. That’s not going to help him.

“What?” He lets out a growl and I know exactly what is going through his head. It’s the same shit that always comes up when he gets like this. ‘Why can’t people just leave him alone? Why do I have to be so goddamned straight? Why does everything have to be so hard for him?’ I wish I could give him the answers but I don’t know any more than he does.

“Kaylen’s been asking about you.” There’s really no knowing how he is going to react. I know things didn’t end well with him and Kaylen. He’s quiet and I don’t know what that means. He’s never quiet.

“She wants to know if it’d be okay for her to come visit.”

“Why would she want to?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“I said and did some pretty awful shit that last night I saw her. Why did she come back?”

“Because she’s in love with you, bonehead. Does she really need a better reason than that?”

He’s looking down at his fidgety hands. They’re all gnawed at from all the nervous nights lying awake. He’s always been a nail biter from the time he was a little kid. The black nail polish only came later. When we started to drift apart. I grab one of his hands to get his attention.

“Look, I’m being temporarily transferred to another base about two hours away. I would feel better if I knew that there was still someone here for you since I won’t be able to come visit very often for the next while. Please tell me you’ll see Kaylen when she comes to visit.” More silence. I get a nod as he rubs his eyes.

“Has mom said anything?” I don’t understand why he always asks about mom. He used to be a big mama’s boy but he and mom never really got along after he hit puberty. He’s so small, it’s like he’s gone back to being that quiet little kid. His eyes are wide with fear and I don’t want to tell him the truth.

“No.”

“Oh.” He stares at the bank white walls.

“Why is this so important? You know mom is still scared and angry about everything that went down while you were under her roof. She still remembers all the times the cops showed up at the door. Just give it some time, stop worrying about it. She needs to see that you’ve changed before things will get better between you two.”

“I’m tired of staring at these white walls. When I get my own place I’m going to paint all sorts of shit all over the walls.”

“I have no doubt. I remember what you did to your old room. It would take layers of paint to cover up all that black paint and other crap. Mom just sealed up the room and forgot that it exists.” There’s a light in his eyes, some kind of glimmer of hope. I hope he can hold onto that.

“Man, I hated that tiny old room. All those long nights of listening to strange men bone our mom. I don’t know why I miss that place.”

“Because it’s still home.”

“Yeah…” He tries to find a comfortable position for the rough metal bracelet around his wrist. “Dad sent me a post card last week. I didn’t even know he knew where I was.”

“Oh yeah? What’s the old sac of shit up to now?”

“He’s in some kind of ‘Born Again’ Christian biker gang now.”

“Charming.”

“I know. He makes me feel like less of a fucking screw up.”

“Your life isn’t over yet, Aaron. You still have plenty of time to straighten things out.”

“But who’s to say I won’t just fuck it all up again once I get out of here. I’m going to turn out just like dad.”

“You aren’t going to turn out anything like him. You are a completely different person from him. Neither of us spent enough time around him for his influence to take hold.”

He pushes the chair away from the table as far as he can, bringing his knees to his chest. He looks kind of like a cornered animal.

“You want to get out of this room, don’t you?”

“I want a fucking cigarette really bad. Why did you have to stuff me in a place that won’t at least let me smoke.”

“It was hard enough just finding a place that would take you. I wasn’t exactly concerned about whether or not they would let you smoke.”

“You could have just left me alone.”

“Oh yeah, that would have ended well. I would have heard about you turning up dead in some ditch somewhere. That’s really what I want for my little brother.”

“It’s my life.”

“Selfish prick.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“Well, I’ll start by beating your head in.” I reach out and ruffle his hair. “You’re frustrating, little brother. And greasy.” He laughs as I wipe my hand on his shirt.

“Just promise me you are trying.”

“That I can do. I definitely don’t want to be in this place forever.” The orderly comes in and we both stand up. Our half hour is over. I hug him tight knowing this will be the last time I get to see him for a while. I hope things are somewhat better by then.

“Be strong, you little pest”

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t let those army fucks rape you up the ass too hard.”

“You know I like it.” With that he’s led out of the room to who knows where. He’s never really said anything about what goes on behind that door. Can’t say I blame him. He’s at a really low place right now and I don’t really know if I’m helping him any or not.

II.

When the police came to pick him up, they showed up with three squad cars. He thought that was a bit much just for skipping out during a raid of their squat. Aaron was sitting in the park rolling a joint when he happened to glance over his shoulder and noticed the squad cars. It took a split second before he was on his feet running. As he cut through the park, it was too late; the cops seemed to have anticipated his moves. A younger male officer slammed him to the ground. Even as they slapped the handcuffs on his wrists he fought back. The last thing he would ever do was to go into custody calmly. He’d dropped his switchblade as he’d jumped over a bench otherwise he would have knifed the pig on top of him. Something was missing. He was pulled to his feet and led, with much difficulty, across the park to the cars. No one as of yet had read him his rights, which he was quick to point out. They stuffed him in the middle car with his overbearing arrester, who was looking more and more like he was going to become his new best friend.

Sitting in the seat in front of Aaron, behind the metal grate was an official looking man in a dark suit, probably a fed.

“Good afternoon, Mister Mackenzie.”

“I’m not my fucking father!” He spat at the man. Something about his tone set Aaron’s teeth on edge.

“Of course not. I’m from Sister Mary of Mercy Hospital. As your legal guardian, your brother has asked that you be placed under our care.”

“This is total bullshit.” Heaving combat boots slammed into the barrier. He suddenly found himself surrounded on all sides by total fucking strangers who thought they had his best interests at heart. The squad car was closing in on him, burying him alive. He was on the verge of snapping and they all knew it. He was a caged animal they watched just to see what he would do.

“I’m sorry but you will have to discuss this matter with your brother. He is waiting at the hospital to sign you in.” It was impossible for him to get comfortable with his hands chained behind his back. His already high level of annoyance was rising by the second. At least he wasn’t stupid enough to try and act out while squashed in with two well-armed officers of the law. Instead he spent the ride staring out the window, memorizing every landmark and sign he saw. They may leave him at this hospital but he sure as hell wasn’t planning on sticking around. He’d met some of the former patients who came out of that place living on the streets and they weren’t the kind of people he would cross any time soon.

Angus was waiting for him in some doctor’s posh wood paneled office. The officers deposited him on the couch next to his brother, not bothering to take the handcuffs off. Aaron looked unwashed and on the scruffy side. Any exposed skin was covered in an assortment of bruises and cuts. Chains, tattoos and piercings everywhere were the thick body armor that had sheltered him from the world over the years. The mental image of him as a laughing fourteen year old was shattered. Angus reached out to put a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t fucking touch me already! Jesus Christ!”

“Aaron-“

“What the hell makes you think you have the right to interfere with me life?!”

“I’m trying to help you.”

“I don’t need your help or your pity. You should have stayed the fuck out of it. I managed for three years without any fucking help from you, Mister Straight-as-shit! Who are you to come swooping in out of nowhere with your high and mighty decisions about what I do or don’t need?”

“Maybe I just want you to be able to say more for yourself than just that you’re some punk rock heroin junkie! You’re heading straight down the same path as our beloved father.”

“Fuck you.”

“Gentlemen, please, let’s get on with what we’re all here for.” The doctor marched into his office and effectively silenced the arguing brothers. He is a clean-shaven, matter-of-fact man. Clearly an authority figure in every aspect of his life.

“Aaron, you are a minor whether you feel like one or not. So it is ultimately up to your brother to decide to sign you into Sister Mary’s or not. Since this decision has already been made you have no choice but to accept it and try to make the best of your stay here, however long that may be.

“Now this is what is going to happen: I’m going to call the nice police officer waiting outside in here to uncuff you. After that you will be brought to your room where one of the nurses on your floor will explain the rules you will be required to follow. You will be given a tour of the facilities as well as meeting the doctors who will be handling your case and the patients on your floor. Is there any part of this you don’t understand?” Aaron stared blankly at the doctor’s forehead. Oh he understood all right, he’d have to be an idiot not to understand the doctor’s over simplified instructions. Whether or not he would go along with them was another thing all together.

“All right then. I’ll give you and your brother a chance to say good-bye. Depending on how well you cooperate, this may be the last time you see anyone from the outside world for a while.” His best friend from the car ride over walked in and took back his handcuffs with more consideration for the pieces of metal than for Aaron.

The first thing he did once regaining the use of his arms was to lunge at his brother who had risen to try and make peace before leaving. The cop jumped on him almost immediately, pulling him off a bewildered Angus. Soon the room was full of orderlies, shouting and a lot of struggling. Aaron would not go down without a fight. He would never go quietly. Even as the orderlies picked him up he still kicked and squirmed and did all he could to loosen the grip his captors had on him, all the while, directing every curse he knew at his brother and that bastard doctor. His drug-fueled rage was still no match for the eight burly men who had hands on him.

“It’s no use. He’s not going to cooperate. Put him in the box, we’ll deal with him when he calms down.” Angus could do nothing but watch helplessly as they dragged his out of control baby brother way. Shouting at the top of his lungs, Aaron took his last chance to ‘share his feelings’ with his traitorous brother.

“Fucking bastard brother! I’m fucking writing you off! I don’t want to see your fucking ugly face ever again! You hear me?! This is it. I’m done with you and all your fucking fascist bullshit!” He trailed off into random senseless obscenities, foaming at the mouth, as he was carried through a set of doors that led to the areas only the patients got to see.

The orderlies dumped him unceremoniously into the box, a padded room, the ideal cage. Everything was white and blended into itself in his rage. There is no light except from a small high up window with bars. Hitting the floor rattled his frame, stunning him long enough for the door to slam shut before he was on his feet again. He prowled the small room like a caged animal. The padding on the floor muffled the usually satisfying stomping of his steel-toed boots. Every lap around the room stepped up his anger a little more. He lashed out, banging the walls with all he had, striking at them with what ever hit first. No matter how hard he hit, he couldn’t leave a mark. There was no way out of this situation his brother forced him into. The room closed in on him from every side. Things were always doing that. Creeping up, trying to trap him. These were the times he would be drinking and smoking and shooting up. He’d be shooting through the atmosphere like a rocket. Running out of town, finding somewhere else to be. When it’s time to be away from all the shit flying off the fan. He could feel the sickness seeping in on the edges of his consciousness but there were no more trips to see the reaper. No more anything. His anger heated the room, sweat dripping down his back. The heat overwhelmed him and chilled him, making him draw himself deeper into his studded and patched jacket. A sob came out of him, unexpected, choking him. He sank down in a heap, as small as he could go. Trying to melt into the wall.

There was white noise echoing in his head. Nothing would come up solid. All the things he wanted to forget kept coming forward, ghosts he can’t swallow or move past. In that room there was no one but himself. Nothing to distract him, keep his thoughts away from all the hurts and angers that made up his life. The faces of his friends swam before him, laughing and sneering. Most of them have been locked up or have died by now. He was one of the last. At least until his bastard brother screwed him over and put an end to his life as he knew it. This was not how he had wanted his life on the streets to end. There was no glory in this. Locked in a room, drooling and sobbing in a heap on the floor. How the mighty have fallen, it was a good thing Johnny Psychotic wasn’t there to see this. He was stuck in lock up. The cops had picked him up in that early morning raid while Aaron was around the corner buying smokes and acting casual.

At some point the contents of his stomach came spewing forth. Bright orange like the Doritos he’d had for breakfast. Miraculously, he hadn’t gotten any on himself but he’d been shaking ever since. People in tainted white scrubs poured into the room. They started to man handle him, forcing his animal instincts into overdrive. As he scratched and clawed and kicked and squirmed, a needle plunged into familiar track marks forcing the sickness back. He paused, stunned. A mistake. The hands all over him began to paw at his thick armor. Someone was unlacing his tall boots as another tugged at his jacket. Others were there simply to hold him down. Layer by layer they stripped away all he had left to keep the world out. They took his chains and studs. Cool hands worked at removing all the metal from holes in his body. They took everything he had left away, even scrapping the black nail polish off and filing down his nails. Every last trace of him was gone it seemed. If they could, they would have taken his stained and inked skin too.

They left him stunned and incoherent in loose fitting hospital issued clothes. He couldn’t feel any warmth, even in the small patch of fading sun coming in from a high up window. Surrounded by white his skin glows black with dirt. Face down on the floor, he smelled the antiseptic, urine and his own puke. It made his stomach turn. He watched himself puke in a corner, completely detached, he floated up near the ceiling. All that held him down was gone. He felt overwhelmingly empty. A void as blank as his hospital gown had replaced his identity. No one would be able to tell him when exactly material objects became all he had to tell him who he was. All at once the room crashed in on him. He screamed. No words come out, only sounds until even the sounds stopped coming. Like a baby ripped too soon from the womb, he curled up, choking and crying but there was no one there to cradle him and sooth his crying.

III.

I don’t know what possessed me to come back here. This place has been stuck in my mind for weeks. Although my mind was stuck in this place for so much longer. Somewhere along the line a lot of the dirt and filth got glossed over. There’s so much human filth caked on to everything in this burnt out husk of a building. Enough of it is mine. So many nights spent sweating and bleeding in the small hours of morning after fights or when the drugs ran out. I spent a solid couple months squatting here. Longer than usual for me. This wasn’t the first abandoned church any of us had stayed in. This country is littered with abandoned churches. Civilized man is trading in long boring sermons for the glamour of sin. The police tap is still everywhere from the day they shut this place down. I wasn’t there for the raid that landed most of my friends in lock up. I’m sure it was one hell of a fight.

The old flyers from shows we all headed out to every other night are still floating around with the dead leaves and discarded rigs. I remember the day we piled up all the old broken pews. They were never much good for sitting but they kept us warm through the winter months. It’s a wonder this place is still standing. The hell we raised should have torn it down. Twenty people on a permanent binge, plus all the other transient beings coming and going on the peripheral. There’s no counting how many people OD’ed here. All the sex and drugs that went on, none of us will ever live down the taint.

Now I’m having a staring contest with the crucifix someone thought would be funny to cover in used condoms. Standing having a smoke, I wonder why Jesus never wept for all the lost souls who couldn’t save themselves. This place was freedom. Somehow, on the streets, after everyone had turned their back on me, is where I thought freedom lived. I smashed my boots in the puddles of discarded dreams. I was such a monster I can’t help laughing at my own indecencies. I’m going to hell, I already have my room booked. Kaylen always asks me about things I did before I met her but I’m never going to share that with her. She’s seen enough of my shame. I won’t let her know any more. She shouldn’t still be around by all rights. There are more important things that should be on her mind than me. Like school, her whole reason for coming to this city.

There’s still upstairs to check out. The small rooms where the priests must have lived back in the day. When I first got here there were tons of books everywhere. Mostly religious stuff. They’ve all been destroyed by now. We thought it was pretty funny to use the bible as toilet paper. A real statement. One day someone managed to get some junky mattress up here and suddenly any mattress on the curb made it’s home here. Some of them smelled pretty rank, covered in piss, shit and blood. I was fucking girls on the same mattresses that people had died on sometimes less than a week before. It didn’t bother me then but the idea of it now makes my skin crawl. Everything’s been turned upside down and the windows are boarded up again. There’s a thick layer of dust covering up all the signs of struggle. And them there are my footprints. Now I recognize the feeling of constriction in my chest that started up the moment I crossed the threshold. It’s guilt, not breakfast. Guilt because I wasn’t there. It was just by chance that I happened to step out at the right time to get away. I could have gone back and warned people to get out but I didn’t want to risk getting caught up in the mess. Instead I let them take the fall without me. Anyone else would have done the same if they were in my position. That doesn’t make it any easier to stomach the fact that you are a bad person.

The boards are easy enough to pry off. The sun lights up the dust in the air. I always found myself watching the dust float around as I lay strung out. It caught the eye. During the day you can see what these rooms used to be. All the care that went into this place and all the destruction we brought here. Someone is walking around downstairs. I can hear their footsteps. It could be anyone down there. A cop, a new squatter, the landlord. Not likely to be happy to see me, whoever it is.

“Aaron?” It’s fucking Angus down there. Of all the people… He shouldn’t even know about this place.

“Up here.” My palms sting from where my nails bit into skin. I didn’t notice my hands clench into fists or my body stiffen. No matter how far it feels I’ve gotten away from that life, it will always come floating back up to the surface.

“Hey…” Angus is still in uniform, crisp and clean. Still deeply tanned from the desert, he just seems so much healthier than me. He stands so straight; evidence of his training will stay with him for a long time. He looks so out of place back in the city.

“Hey. How’d you find me?”

“Kaylen told me you’d be here. She’s worried about you.”

“She’s always worried.”

“She cares about you. What can I tell you?” I sit down and light up another smoke. There’s less than half a pack left. I could have sworn I’d just bought this pack. Maybe I need to cut back a bit. I’d like my heart not to feel like it’s going to explode most days.

“I wouldn’t touch anything if I were you. This place is fucking filthy.” His hand freezes as he reaches out to pick something up.

“What is this place exactly?”

“It used to be a heroin den before it got raided. Before that it was a church.”

“Were you there for that? For the raid I mean?”

“If I were, I’d still be in jail right about now. I’ve got quite the record with the popos. If I get into trouble again I am really screwed.” The look on his face is priceless. Angus does not want to think about his baby brother’s troubled past.

“I don’t want to know about it, do I?”

“Not really. I wouldn’t tell you, even if you did.” He’s standing awkwardly looking around. He sticks out here so much. Everything about him is everything I am not.

“Why are we here?”

“Well, you were sent to fetch me. I am here because I needed to see this place again.”

“Why?”

“You sound like my psychiatrist.” I can’t help laughing at the look of horror that comes over his face.

“I’m sorry. I just never know what’s going on in that head of yours. As a kid you were so predictable until the day I turned around and you were gone. I don’t know what kind of shit you got yourself into so I have to ask. You never talk about it.”

“I don’t want you to know. There’s so much shit I’ve done that I don’t even want to think about. This is one of the places I stayed the longest. I needed to figure out what it was about this place that I loved so much.”

“And did you figure it out?”

“No. I was clearly retarded.”

“Mom did always say you were the special one.”

“Shut up!” I kick dust his way.

“Come on, I’ll take you to lunch.”

“Sounds good to me. Maybe then you can tell me what you are doing back in town in the middle of the week.”

“The army is cutting me loose soon and I need to make sure I don’t fall on my ass.”

“You don’t have an ass to fall on. You’re too straight.”

“I have no idea if I should be taking that as a compliment or an insult, coming from you.”

“Uh… Probably both.” I dodge a slap to the back of the head as we break out into the daylight. The sun knocks us back. Dark was really dark in that fallen church. I wonder what will happen when they finally knock it down. I hope they build something good in it’s place.

“So where do you want to eat?”

“I know a place. It’s cheap but delicious. Why are you looking at me like that?” He keeps staring at me like he’s never seen me before and I just grew a second head. It’s unsettling.

“What? Nothing.”

“No. It’s something. Do I have shit on my face or something?”

“No. I’m just having trouble getting used to the way you look. I can’t keep the image of how you look now in my mind. So every time I see you, it’s a shock.”

“What the hell are you talking about? I’ve looked the same for years. Granted my clothes actually fit now, but it’s not like I underwent some kind of over night transformation.”

“The last time I got to see you on a regular basis you were fourteen. You don’t look like a fourteen year old anymore. You should be glad about that. I’ll admit, all the tattoos bother me some.”

“Sometimes I don’t get why everyone says you’re the smart one.”

“’Cause I’m the one who actually finished High School.”

“Shut up! I’m working on that.” I walked right into that one. He’s laughing at me and I can feel my face go hot.

“I know. I’m only joking! So are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

“I don’t know, maybe. Were you planning on telling me that ‘base’ you got transferred to is actually a hospital.”

“Geese, when did you get so smart?!”

“When I stopped being so dumb.” I stop walking and turn to face him so that he doesn’t think he can get away with changing the subject before telling me.

“I didn’t want to worry you. You had your own shit to figure out. It would just have been a distraction. I was only there for some pretty routine bullshit.”

“So you’re okay?”

“Yes, I’m okay.”

“Good.” It’d been weighing on my mind the past couple days, not knowing if there was something seriously wrong, if I needed to be worried or not. It would’ve explained why he always looked so tired when he came to visit.

“Don’t worry. You’ll never be rid of me.” He catches me around the neck in a one armed hug as we walk on down the sidewalk.

“Watch the hair! Watch the hair!”

“Don’t be such a woman. Your ‘hawk is harder than diamonds. Nothing can wreck it.”

“Unless we get rained out.”

IV.

I’m definitely regretting breakfast right about now. Dave, my favorite orderly and probably the only friend I have in this place, is leading me to the visiting room where Kaylen is waiting for me. The heavy weight of guilt has nestled in my stomach next to the hash browns. Last time I saw her,she got to see the side of me she did not expect. She shouldn’t have come back. She shouldn’t want anything to do with a boy who makes her cry and makes her bleed. I don’t know what I’m going to say to her. Sorry seems so pathetic. I don’t deserve her forgiveness.

Dave cuffs me to the table and with a reassuring pat on the shoulder leaves the room. Kaylen looks better than I remember. She’s let her hair grow out. It makes her look like older but in a good way. There is worry written all over her. It’s reassuring to see this isn’t any easier for her.

“Why are you chained to the table?”

“It’s just a precaution. Some of the patients here are quite violent. The hospital needs to show its insurers that they are trying to keep people safe.”

“Oh.” She knows I’m one of those violent patients, even though now I am less prone to violent outbursts as the doctors would put it. I’m sure Angus warned her about that before coming. We fall into silence as she looks me over slowly. I don’t know what’s going on in that head but I can’t look her in the face. So instead I’m staring at everything else. The dingy white walls, the fluorescent light in its grilled casing, out the barred window overlooking the half melted snow in the parking lot I have only been in once. I hate the white walls the most. They act like a TV screen for all the bad thoughts I wish I could make go away.

“Why did you come back?”

“Mom won’t let me back in the house until I have a diploma in my hands.”

“But you didn’t have to come see me.”

“Yes I did. Having that night be the last thing I have to remember you by has been tearing me up inside. I need some kind of closure.”

“How is seeing me like this any better?”

“It makes it easier to believe that the side you first showed me was not a well constructed lie just to use me. That you weren’t planning to do that to me all along. That you didn’t just want to bring me down to your level.”

Memories of him that night flash vividly in my mind. The flashy, fogged over, drunken images of him spinning out of control. The bruises are gone but I still feel the stinging. I have never seen him in such sterile conditions. It’s nothing like the party. I can’t reconcile the difference. Now he’s sitting there with his face in his hand looking ready to cry. Half of me feels like falling in love with him was the dumbest mistake I have ever made. He isn’t a very good person and I know he’s had it pretty rough. Somehow he still has the potential to be something so much better, even if he’s been wasting it. I watch him beat himself up in front of me and I want to grab his hand to comfort him. Is it really my place to do that? Does he even deserve to be comforted.

“How are you doing?” I’m almost afraid to ask. He looks so tired, albeit healthier now that he has access to regular meals that consist of more than big macs and ramen noodles.

“I’m okay. I mean, I’ve been worse.”

“But being here is helping you?”

“Yeah. It’s starting to get a little easier.”

“That’s good.” This is awkward. It never used to be this hard to talk to each other. He seems almost scared to talk to me. There’s so much I wish we could get out into the open.

“How is school going?” He knows the question to ask to get me talking. The dead air around us is making him fidgety. We’ve never been faced with just each other. Seeing him like this makes me wonder if I should have just given up on him.

“School is fine. I’ve sort of lost interest in what we’re learning. I don’t see the point in knowing all that stuff. It doesn’t seem to have any use in real life.”

“All life is real life. You’re damn lucky to have the opportunity to be learning all the shit they want to teach you. It might not be anything that will help you function on a daily basis but it will open your mind and give you a better view of the world. I wish to hell I could be doing what you are doing now.”

“You could be if you wanted to. You are smart enough to be doing anything you want.”

“No I can’t. I haven’t even finished fucking high school yet.” He sighs, leaning back. “You don’t seem to understand that where I come from, the only way anyone gets anything better than life in jail is through the army. My brother is one of the few success stories from our neighborhood.”

“You can change all that, you know. It’s not like I came from the best place either. I just refused to let anything stop me.”

“Well I can do shit all about that from in here.”

“It’s not like you’ll be spending the rest of your life in this ugly building.”

“If only…”

She always makes things so backwards. Some of the shit that comes out of my mouth when I’m talking to her surprises the hell out of me. I used to tell people that the education system is set up for brainwashing of the masses to strive to be like the upper-class bigwigs with all the money. Yet here I am wishing I could be one of those twats reading their fancy books and filling their heads with obsolete facts of life. One day I am going to have to figure out just how she does it to get these things out of me.

“I’ve missed talking to you. All the people at school are total pussies. Every opinion they have they found in a book somewhere.”

“Sometimes it takes people a long time to start thinking for themselves.”

“You picked it up quite quickly.”

“And look where it’s gotten me. Some would say that’s part and parcel of being a punk but I’m not so sure about that one. I just figure you can’t find opinions about the world in porno mags. Which was the height of what I was reading until about a year and a half ago.” She lets out a bubble of laughter despite herself. I can still make her laugh. That feels good. She’s so colorful and constantly in motion. She’s full of life. More so that most of the people in here. I’ve missed that. Although it makes sense that I should belong in here with all the dead people rather than out there with her. Things always seem to sort themselves out to being the way they should be.

The romantic attraction to the dangerous outlaw life of street punks is still intact. I can see it in the way she looks at me. That’s what drew her to me in the first place. That’s what’s brought her back here now. She told me once she thought she was in love with me and I can see her falling for me again. But it was never me she loved. Just the idea of the junky street punk, beyond mad at the world and turning to drugs, alcohol and loud angry music to drown out the despair and make him feel alive. I haven’t burned her enough to drive her away from all of this. She still carries her small town views of the city around her. She will be sucking into the life style and it will destroy her. When it does, it will be my fault.

“You shouldn’t be here.” Her eyes go wide.

“What?” She stiffens in her chair, obviously hurt by my words. Not expecting them.

“You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t have come back. I’ve already burned you, cut you to the bone. You don’t even realize that that isn’t anywhere close to being the worst I can do to you. You keep coming, the worse it will get.”

“What are you trying to tell me?”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then don’t.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you that night. I didn’t want you to see that but it still happened. You don’t understand that I am not in control of myself on any level. What I want to happen and what I make happen are always two different things. I don’t take pleasure in destroying a person but I’ve done it enough times. I can’t say I wouldn’t do it again. I can’t make you any promises.” I am such a scumbag. There is anger in her silence. I have to be honest with her. “I am a bad person.”

“But there is some good in you. I’ve seen it. It’s all those times you helped me cram for exams or all those nights you kept me company when I was too homesick to function properly.” I did not expect the tears in her eyes. For some reason I am reminded of the night my mother found out I’d dropped out of school. The way she just sat and cried all night, not ever saying a single word to me. Angus wasn’t there for that. Just like he isn’t here right now but I am sure he’ll hear about this just the same. “I just want to help you because despite everything I care for you and I want to see you be the person I know you can be.”

“What if you can’t help me? What if, instead, I just drag you down to my level and make you like me? What then? It wouldn’t be on purpose but it could still happen.”

“I’m not the only one wanting to help. You have Angus and the doctors here. You have people holding you up now who will help you to not spin out of control again. All you keep doing is looking at the bad stuff. We want you to look at something different for a change.”

“There isn’t much else.”

“So then make some.” Dave knocks on the door warning me that we’ve only got a few minutes left in the room. An ice chill grabs at my stomach. I don’t want to go back to the zoo. I don’t much want to continue this argument either. I’m always stuck between a rock and a hard place.

“Time is almost up.”

“Oh.” It’s almost like I just took the wind out of her sails. She reaches down into her bag and starts pulling some books out of it.

“I brought you some stuff to read. Your brother mentioned that you get bored a lot and the library here has a crappy selection.”

“Thank you.” Since when have she and Angus been talking so much? I’m not even sure how they even really met but right now I’m glad they did. The library does really have a crappy selection. I’ve already read everything worth reading in this place at least a couple times. She brought me a selection of books that is uniquely her. A mix of comic books, epic poetry and non-fiction. These will be nice company. Dave opens the door and pokes his head in.

“Better start saying your good byes, Aaron.” I know he’s giving me a few extra minutes.

“Thanks, Dave.” He is going to get himself in trouble because of me. The hospital has strict regulations and I am the last person the administration would want to make any exceptions for.

“Is there any point in coming back?” She looks so tired staring across the table at me. I did that to her.

“Yes, how else am I supposed to give you back your books back? I do want to see you because I have missed you. It’s just… I don’t want to hurt you again.” The door opens all the way now and we both stand. I’m still chained to the table as she latches her arms around me. It knocks the wind out of me. No one has touched me with anything other than fists since before I got here. I hadn’t noticed I missed it so much. It feels good. She’s so much smaller than I remember her being.

V.

I find the bastard grabbing a snooze under the big tree in the middle of Mattey Park. I kick his feet.

“G’morning fucker! You made the front page with your little riot last night.”

“What?” The fucker twitches awake, looking annoyed for all of five seconds. Must be awfully tired out from all the destruction the night before. I slap the newspaper in his face.

“I thought you would have taken off by now. They’re going to be looking for you.”

“So what? Let the fat pigs look. It’s not like they’ll be looking very hard for a $300 fine. They have bigger fish to fry.”

“True that. You got any smokes?” I killed off my pack this morning and haven’t been able to scrounge up the change for a new one. He chucks his pack at me with his head buried in the newspaper.

“Help yourself.” There’s something wrong with the fucker. I leave him with three cigarettes and keep the rest. That’s what he gets for handing me his pack. Sometimes I don’t know why I keep this wanker around. He’s too quiet, too much of a brain. He’s always reading something. It’s fucking boring. He’s not going to find life in a book.

“This is total bullshit.”

“What are you going on about now?”

“This fucking article. Listen to this: ‘Last night a group of drug-addled punks ransacked a two-block area in the core of downtown. The group of miscreants threw a collective tantrum upon the discovery that their favorite venue for punk rock shows had been shut down by authorities for numerous violations of the establishment’ liquor license…’ It goes on. They don’t have a fucking clue. I talked to one of the bar tenders and he said the cops had no fucking reason to shut the place down. It’s just because a lot of punk bands play there. I bet you this is all part of the Mayor’s plan to ‘clean up’ the city. What else did they expect to happen?”

“What did you expect form a bunch of media fascists? They never know shit about anything.” I watch him tear something out of the paper before tossing it aside.

“I want to go see the Reaper today.”

“Fuck that. I can’t be seen around there for a while. I pissed off one of the Reaper’s bitches pretty bad and I like my balls where they are.” Never trust a bitch that says she likes it rough. I don’t know where the fuck I am supposed to score now.

“I’ll handle it.”

“Yeah, right.”

“What ever. I need to score and I’m not spending all day rustling up another sleaze-bag dealer who probably has crap to sell just because you couldn’t play nice with one of Reaper’s hookers.” Goddamn. I flick what’s left of my ciggy in his face. Selfish prick. He gets up, making a futile attempt to get all the dirt off. A smack in the head is all I get as a good bye. He sets off the fucking ringing in my ears that had just buggered off less than an hour ago. Damn it. What happened to the old Aaron? The one I could make do all sorts of shit for me. I need a joint. I need fucking money. I guess it’s time to get the old cardboard out and find a corner. Today is going to be a slow ass day.

Fuck has today been shitty. The cops are on the hunt for punks after last night, I’ve been kicked out of so many spots today. Everyone is getting hassled. Aaron struts up to us looking like the cat that got the canary. Fucking nerve that kid has showing up now. He’s probably been laying around all day in bliss while I’m been humping my ass all around town for a lousy couple of dollars in change.

“How much you go there?” He reaches out for my cup like a fucking twat. If this weren’t the fifteen hundredth place I’d found today I’d move just for that.

“Fuck off.”

“I’ll share if you share.”

“Share what?” He’s holding up a baggie of brownish white powder with Reaper’s mark on it. I could kiss the little bastard.

“So how much you got?”

“Not enough, I’m sure. You always get the really good stuff out of the Reaper.”

“It’s not my fault people like me. Now gimmie what you got and I’ll let you have it.” I go to grab the baggie and he pulls it away. “But. You owe me.”

“Fine, fine. What ever. Just give it here.” There goes a day’s work. Fucking worth it though. When it comes down to it, it’s the little shit next to me that’s getting the raw end of the deal. I guess he’s not so bad after all. No one else is about to save my ass like that. It’s a wonder no one else has been ripping him off. Fuck it. I need to find a nice place where me and my riggy poo can get nice and intimate.

What a day. I was starting to worry how I’d score. He’s right, no one has the good shit like Reaper. I got to be more careful. That’s the last time I touch any of Reaper’s bitches. It will blow over. I’m sure Aaron has already fixed that shit up for me. Such a faithful lackie. He’s such a sweet talker. I’ve seen him talk his way out of so many fines. He’s gotten me out a few too. He damn well better for all I’ve done for that kid. The streets would have eaten him alive if I hadn’t found him all wet behind the ears. Now look at him, I’ve turned him into a man. That kid gets laid easier than I do now. He’s still a weird fucker though.

Take that chick, Kailey or what ever. There’s a fucking fine ass on that chick and he still hasn’t fucked her. He just keeps her around to talk or what ever. I don’t get it. If I was him, I’d have banged her a while ago. Maybe I’d keep her around for repeats. Not like what he’s doing. Speaking of repeats. I should go find May for some ass. I haven’t called around to her in a while. Not right now. I have other things to attend to.

VI.

I hate this cafeteria. It’s the one place they force all the patients to be around each other. All the eating disorder kids, schizophrenics, suicidal cases, rehab kids and the plain fucking crazies. You can’t hide. They check that everyone eats their food so you can never skip out. I’ve tried. There is a schedule set up. Each section eats with each section on a particular day. There are three lunchrooms and six sections. They have it this way so we get a bit of change of pace from the regular faces.

Today we have the pleasure of eating with section four. Section four is notorious for being the most violent and aggressive section. From what I gather, no one enjoys eating with section four. That was the section they put me in when I first got here. It didn’t work out to well. They thought I was too dangerous to be put in any of the other sections. They didn’t think about what would happen if they left a pack of rabid animals together in the same cage. I lasted not even a month and now hold the record for the most violent patient section four has ever seen. Daddy would be proud.

Every other day, sitting at an empty table is a luxury. Not today. The last thing you want is to leave room for them to come sit with you. Your lunch will be short and eventful. I must have forgotten what day it is. The signature cat calling and maniacal laughter of section four enters behind me. Suddenly everyone is a whole lot more nervous. I could care less. These guys aren’t any worse than anyone on the streets. Fuck, Johnny Psychotic’s little brother is in section four. I beat the piss out of him in my first week. He’s determined to return the favor. Looks like the whole family got the asshole gene.

I’m more concerned with what exactly all the mystery chunks in my soup are than any of the mayhem occurring around me. It does seem worse than usual somehow. There must be someone new in the group.

“You’re in my seat.” And he’s standing right behind me.

“I’m not moving, asshole.” I get a firm grip on either side of my tray. If he wants to pick a fight than he’s got it. I could use the exercise.

“I don’t think you understand, punk. You are sitting in my seat.” A heavy hand lands on my shoulder and her gets my tray upside the head. Flood flies everywhere. No need to worry about those pesky mystery chunks anymore. He may be a lot bigger but I just don’t give a shit about anything. I’ve been surrounded by nothing but black since I got here. The shocked look on his face as I grab his collar to hold him up with one hand while beating his face in with the other is like a cop’s maglight detaching my retinas in the middle of the night.

There’s a crowd circled around us, stopping the orderlies from cutting in. I drop him and switch to kicking him in the ribs. My foot bites into his ribs with a familiar crunch as he curls up into fetal position. I’m not longer in the caff. but on the streets in countless alleys on countless blow fueled night. The asshole on the ground is just another fool who thought it would be funny to pick on the little guy. More dried blood to scrub off my steel-toed boots in the morning. It’s always hard to remember where exactly the blood came from. It’s just there, like the thousand year old drunk who seems to be in every city and never dies.

Angus is watching me stomp on this guy. He turns away from me. I feel a sharp twinge of pain and my limbs are stuck in mud. I just wanted to eat my soup and get out of here. The black is creeping back over everything. All I see is Angus’ ashamed face and Kaylen crying. I’m swimming in blood. I look down at my feet. My boots are dripping blood and filth all over the metro floor as the car speeds on through the never-ending tunnel. It won’t stop. It keeps getting faster and faster. Passing station after station. My stomach is churning. I can’t take it anymore. We’re going too fast. We have to slow down before reaching the end. Before we crash.

I pull the emergency lever. It snaps off in my hand. The metro stops at the next station. I run out at full speed. Not stopping until I realize I’m lost. My knees buckle and I start to heave. There are goldfish drowning in my vomit. The world stops spinning and I follow the arrow to some stairs. I don’t know if I can make it to the top. My legs feel like lead. The sun breaks in. I am topside. The light shatters into me, taking everything. I fall into the gutter. Angus is watching me.

“Help me! Angus! I need your help!” I reach out to him as he stands with his hands in his pockets.

“Get up.”

“Help me! I can’t. Not on my own.”

“Get up.”

“I’m trying. I can’t do this alone.”

“Aaron. Get up!”

Dave is kneeling over me, shaking me by the shoulder. He looks worried. I don’t quite understand where I am or what’s going on. My heart feels like it is going to explode out of my chest.

“Come on, Aaron, you need to get up now.”

“Can’t.” I sound like shit but he looks relieved anyway.

“Shit son, you scared me there for a minute. You wouldn’t wake up. Come on, your time in the box is up. I have to bring you for breakfast and then to the doctor.” He’s gently pulling me to my feet, hoping I will be able to hold myself up. My knees are tempted to buckle but I don’t fall this time. Dave guides me out into the hall and towards the smell of bacon and eggs.

VII.

We’re walking through Mattey Park. It’s such a nice spring day out. All the mud has dried out and everything is green and in bloom. Days like this makes me miss the great fields back home that we used to spend our days out in. The parks here don’t compare. Maybe one day I’ll take Aaron and Angus there. They could use the fresh air. Aaron hasn’t said much since I’d met up with him after class. He’s been pretty quiet in general since getting out of the hospital but this is a bit much, even for him.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. It’s fine.” He doesn’t look at me. I stop walking.

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking.”

“Oh yeah? What about?”

“Lots of things. My life, where I want to be heading… That sort of thing.” He leads me to a nearby bench and sits down with a sigh.

“Are you still taking your meds?”

“What?” I feel like shit for asking, he gets mad every time I do but I still feel I have to. The way he’s been acting today has me worried.

“No.” God damn it. I knew this would happen.

“Why not?” I’m starting to get a little mad. The pills were helping him. Why would he stop?

“I’m an addict, Kaylen. More pills are the last thing that will help me.”

“But…”

“Look, the shrink and I talked it out. Yeah, taking something for the depression would help but if I have to be taking pills every day that fucking with my brain chemicals it will be easier for me to start taking other pills that fuck with my brain chemicals. Before anyone realizes I will have slipped right back into old patterns.” He takes out his pack and put a cigarette to his lips and lights up. It’s the first time I see him smoke today but he showed up reeking of it anyway.

“I thought you were going to quit.”

“I’ll get to it eventually, it’s on the list. Quit nagging at me.”

“Sorry. I’m just worried about you.” Saying that makes me feel lame but it’s true. I probably worry a little too much. I’m sure he feels smothered by me. I can’t help it, I’ve always been a worrier, even when I was a little kid. It’s just the way I’m wired. Mom used to tease me about it. She called me a mother hen.

“I know you are but you have to trust me a little.” I reach out for his cigarette and he moves his hand away.

“No.”

“Aw, come on.”

“No. I know you used to smoke sometimes with your friends back home but you aren’t going to pick up any bad habits from me. Especially after you were just bugging me about quitting again.”

“You’re no fun.”

“No, I am not.” He’s quiet again as we just sit on the bench. This is where we kissed for the first time. I wonder if he’s noticed that. It was after an Upstanding Bitches show. We were both trashed and making out just seems to happen when you’re trashed. It still felt good and became a slightly more regular thing after that. I kind of wish I had some alcohol now. It would help improve the mood. There’s something he wants to say but he keeps not saying it.

“They’re letting me move out of the halfway house in a couple of weeks.”

“This is good news! You should have told me sooner.”

“Yeah.” He looks down at his hands.

“You don’t sound too happy about it.”

“I’m worried about what could happen once I’m finally cut loose. That is the most common time to fuck it all up again. When you realize no one is looking over your shoulder anymore. I can’t afford to slip up now.”

“Now you have people who support you. You’ll be living with me, you have school to focus on. Your life isn’t like it was before. It will be harder for you to slip back into old habits.”

“That’s the thing…”

“What is?”

“I’ve been talking to Angus… We’ve agreed that it would probably be best if I moved in with him for a while.”

“Oh.” The wind is knocked right out of me. I guess I shouldn’t have assumed he would move in with me. He has been living with me part time since he’s been released from the hospital. It seemed like he enjoyed the time at my apartment. Maybe he just liked the fact that it wasn’t part of the hospital. It didn’t occur to me that maybe he would rather been somewhere else but was just taking the chance he got to get out of where he’s staying now.

“Angus and I have a lot of bad times to make up for. This is the only time we’ve been getting along since both of us have been adults. I’ve missed having him around. Plus he would feel better having me that close to keep an eye on me.”

“But I thought you liked living with me.”

“That’s not the issue. We’re moving too fast. Right now I need some space. I’m not ready to plunge right into a commitment like that. I’ve been going through so many changes in my life, I don’t feel that I can be there for you now if you needed me to be.” Panic sets in. My heart is pounding. This feeling is so incongruous to the fresh spring greens around us. People playing with dogs. Hippies smoking around the freshly thawed fountain or playing Frisbee.

“Are you breaking up with me?” My voice sounds small in my ears.

“What? No.” He throws away his but and turns to face me, grabbing both my hands. “Listen, if I were breaking up with you, you would not have to ask. I just need the chance to get my feet more firmly planted on the ground. This is not about whether I still like you or not. I just don’t want things to fall apart when they are just getting good. Okay?” I nod. It feels like I might have started to cry or I’m going to soon. He wraps me up in a tight hug. He feels warm and solid around me. “Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.”

I hope not. Him saying that does give me some comfort. Everyday, I’m scared he’ll jus up and leave. So many have already done that to me. I don’t know what I’d do if he did too. It feels good on this bench with him stroking my hair. I almost wish we could stay like this forever. We don’t spend enough time like this. He’s never been overly touchy feely. It’s all about the personal space. I can’t even get him to do much more than hold my hand in public usually, unless he’s drunk. Which won’t be happening too often anymore. With a soft kiss planted on the top of my head he pulls away.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Good.” He leans forward and kisses me quickly on the lips. “So you aren’t upset about the living arrangements?”

“No. I guess not.”

“Good, because I need you to be okay with this. Angus needs me to be around for him. He’s having a pretty hard time adjusting to normal life.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Of course not. He’s much too manly to let on that he’s having trouble with anything.”

“Boys are stupid.”

“Yes they are. Can you ever forgive us?”

“Maybe. If you cook me dinner.”

“Deal. Let’s go.” He’s up on his feet again.

“Now?”

“Of course. The grocery stores will be closing soon and all you have at your place is Kraft Dinner.”

“Okay…”

VIII.

Aaron wanders the streets for the few hours he has before meeting Kaylen after her classes. He likes having this time to himself. No one is around to make “helpful suggestions” as to what he should be doing with his time. Kaylen doesn’t exactly know about this time, she assumes that he ends his own classes at a similar time as her. She doesn’t ask he doesn’t tell. He doesn’t want to lose this, despite the guilt that comes with feeling like he has to hide it.

He sees this city in such a different way. He’s existed in the heart of this place for years. Only now he doesn’t want to be swallowed up by it. He’s been thrown off his path of self-destruction. This city isn’t going to burn. All that feels so far away to him now. He passes by all these places he used to spend his time. All the alleys he’d fought in. Almost every other street corner he’d spent house panhandling for change. Over the years he’d raised enough money to put himself through school. He was good at getting people’s sympathy. It was too easy for him to pay for his considerable drug habits. Even now, if he wanted to, he could get a hit of anything he wanted in twenty minutes. It is a good feeling that he hasn’t succumbed to that temptation. Slowly, he’s starting to feel better about being cut loose. His reasons for staying clean have been changing. It’s no longer simply that he did not have access to any of his candy. Now, he’s proving to himself that he’s got some spine. So far he’s been exceeding expectations.

It’s wet out but Aaron doesn’t notice the dreariness of the day. He’s not paying attention to where his feet are taking him except to splash in puddles. He comes upon a familiar figure slumped against a building in front of his card board. Johnny Psychotic does not look happy to be out in the rain. Aaron is tempted to turn down a side street and avoid the inevitable confrontation. There is a feeling of revolt in his stomach and it is too late to turn away.

“And the cat comes back.” Johnny greets him mockingly.

“Hey man, what’s up?” He stops and leans against the wall.

“I’ve been hearing some disconcerting rumors about you.” There is a wicked grin on his face.

“I’m sure you have. You always seem to be hearing things.”

“People have been saying you got yourself landed in rehab. That you’ve gone straight on us. But that can’t be true, not you.”

“Maybe it is true.” Aaron lights up a cigarette looking down at Johnny with a shrug.

“You’ve got a lot of fucking nerve showing your face around here then.”

“It’s a free country. I can go where ever I want.”

“You’re gonna get your ass beat.”

“I can handle it.” Johnny counts at the change in his cup. Emptying it out into his pockets.

“So why’d you come here?”

“No reason. Just out for a stroll.”

“You’re not here to spread any of your straightedge bullshit, are you? Because there’s no fucking point in that here.”

“Fuck that shit. I could care less what you do with your life or what you think of me.”

“You used to care about what I thought. Fuck, you used to follow me around like a lost puppy, wanting to be cool.”

“I used to be a fucking moron, too. What’s your point? Other than you think way too much of yourself.”

“You’re such a fucking poser. Standing there, look for all the world like this big tough punk but on the inside it’s all gone. You don’t act like a punk or think like a punk anymore. You’re fucking nothing anymore.”

“Johnny, you know fuck all about what you’re talking about so why don’t you just shut up.”

“No. I’m not going to fucking shut up. I’m not going to let anyone shut me up. Not like you.”

“You’re so full of shit.” Aaron pushes himself off the wall and starts to walk away from Johnny.

“Hey, do you know what happened to Pee Wee? We were in lock up together and then suddenly he just disappeared. People are saying he’s dead.”

“Nah, man. He ended up in rehab with me. He’ll be there for a while. Pee Wee is one fucked up little shit.”

“Fuck! Him too? I’m surrounded by fucking posers.”

“You’re not surrounded by anyone. Everyone’s moving on. Or dead. You’re alone, Johnny. Maybe you should think about that.”

“Fuck you… Like you’re not alone.”

“I actually have people in my life who aren’t just waiting around for the chance to rip me off.” Johnny looks sullen and ready to lash out.

“Get the fuck out of here!” He’s getting up, ready to launch at Aaron who is backing away with his hands up in a shrug.

“I’m already gone.”

It is a few blocks before Aaron notices he’s still shaking. He doesn’t remember when the shaking started. Apparently he’s lost his stomach for Johnny Psychotic. Thinking back, he couldn’t really remember ever seeking Johnny out. There were times when Johnny was a party and a half but most of the time he was an unbearable asshole not worth all the trouble that constantly surrounded him. It got so bad that there were quite literally cops who would follow him around. When Johnny came around the pigs were sure to follow. That didn’t make him popular. Being friends with Johnny made everyone better at hiding and doing things on the sly.

Johnny always assumed that Aaron worshipped the ground he walked on. The thought of that makes Aaron laugh. He’s glad to be rid of Johnny’s delusions. Going that first week without Johnny restored a lot of mental clarity. Everyone sort of just humored him. It was comical the way he fucked up. You just need to be careful not to stand close enough to get burned. Aaron’s been caught in the after burn a few times. Shit Johnny has started has been reason to jet more than once. Johnny is the kind of piece of shit that just won’t die. Aaron has seen him get stabbed, overdose, be hit by cars and have the shit kicked out of him far too many times. Of all the people who have died too young, Johnny has lived too long.

Aaron is tempted to go visit the graves of all the friends he’s lost. The people in his life he didn’t get the chance to appreciate. Most of them don’t have graves. There was no one to pay for a grave. They rest in small boxes kept by the city. Boxes he can’t visit even if he knew where they were. He settles for sitting down on a bench in a very wet park. It wasn’t that long ago that he was pretty close to ending up in one of those little boxes himself. He can barely remember convulsing in an alley, found by some drunk chick who needed to piss, and the three day stint in the hospital that followed. No one came to visit him. Except some cops but he wasn’t holding so they didn’t stay for long.

The feeling of rain falling on his head made Aaron smile. For once, he’s glad he didn’t have time this morning to put up his Mohawk. It’s too much work just to be ruined by the rain and he’d yet to find a waterproof solution to the problem short of contact cement. He’s always liked how quiet the city gets when it rains. Everything moves in slow motion. It’s easier to get a different perspective on days like these. People always bitch about getting wet but in the end it’s just water. It’s not like you won’t even be dry again. He watches a pair of squirrels huddled together on the branch of a tree. They take turns brushing the water from each other’s fur. It reminds him of a couple he used to know.

Doyle and Katherine would go everywhere together. The only time Aaron had ever seen them apart what when Katherine got herself landed in the drunk tank for being too drunk to stand and Doyle was off taking a leak somewhere. Katherine liked to drink. Those two loved each other and no one could deny it. They were just like the squirrels, trying to shelter each other from the rain as best they could. It’s been a long time since they’d been in town. Aaron has no idea what they are up to now. Doyle and Katherine were always very nomadic. They hopped freight a lot. When they left town, they’d asked Aaron to come with them but something kept him tied to the city. He couldn’t leave.

To this day, he still can’t figure out what exactly keeps him tied here. Even with his tendency to run away from everything, he never runs far. Except for a school trip, he’s only been outside city limits without family twice. Both times he’d ended up so incredibly agitated that is drove him to do incredibly stupid things that had him running back into the city. Most other attempts at leaving failed before he ever got anywhere. The more he felt he hated this place the harder it got to actually get out. It’s like struggling in quicksand only makes you sink faster.

His watch beeps on the hour telling him it’s time to head over to the campus and pick up Kaylen from classes. He makes a point of splashing in every puddle. Laughing when cars splash him. Kaylen is amused when she sees him approaching, kicking water at some pigeons. The rain has abated but the streets are still far from dry. Aaron comes up to give her a big hug but she stops him.

“You’re soaking wet!”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

“You’re so strange.” He hugs her anyway, getting water and dirt all over her too as she squirms in his arms. The streets are quiet except for his carefree laughter.

IX.

It’s one of those super clear nights that’s perfect for going to a house party in the suburbs. I’m sipping on a bottle of rum and coke, but mostly rum. Almost the whole tribe is out tonight to celebrate the occasion. Well there isn’t really an occasion to celebrate except we get to trash this house to help some kid get back at his parents for kicking him out. It’s kind of lame but we’ll take any chance we can get to fuck over the upper class. Kaylen is tagging along like the stray cat she is. More of a kitten really. She’s so naive to the world. Tonight she’ll learn. They don’t have parties like this out in the country. I tried to warn her but there’s not getting an idea out of her head once it’s in there. We can here the music blasting from a few blocks away. It’s such a quiet neighborhood, the neighbors must be freaking out from inside their perfect cookie-cutter homes. Tonight is a night they will be talking about for years to come. Pee Wee is already throwing up on someone’s lawn. That kid can never hold his alcohol. I don’t understand why he doesn’t just stick to LSD.

The pavement is eerily smooth. Somehow the night is quieter here. Or it would be if not for the sound of boots scuffing on the pavement, chains jingling, drunken singing and stumbling around and all the other tomfoolery that comes along with a night out with the crew. The house is huge. It was a pristine white stucco building with all the fancy things that rich people have on their houses. Well, until tonight. The outside has been coated with spray paint. There is a huge circle-A painted on the front of the building. The night is still fairly young but the party is raging. Drunken, strung out kids are everywhere. There’s a live band playing on the roof of the pool house. There is a whole line of guys side by side pissing in the pool itself. What a glorious night. There are revel fires on the spacious lawn. Who knows where all these kids came from. It’s like they all hide except to come out for such events. There aren’t even too many posers about. No doubt this is too much for their fragile constitutions.

The inside of the house is a wreck. It’s a shame to have missed all the destruction. I’ve been wanting to smash shit for a couple days now. Get out all that pent up anger that won’t go away in even the most murderous mosh pits. Someone is puking in the kitchen sink as go to top off my drink. The stereo is blasting creating a clash of music that blends into the usual party sounds. I’m starting to feel warm as I search out someplace to set myself up. There’s a pool table in the living room. It’s the only thing that is still mostly intact. There’s a game going on, stacks of bills balanced on the side. I’d play a game but I know I don’t have the attention span for it. There’s a chick in Daisy Duke shorts and fishnets walking through and I follow her. She is quite fuckable and I’d like to get some. There’s attitude in her walk as I watch her steal a forty out of some guy’s hand on her way to the other side of the house. I’m about to go up to her when I feel someone tug on my sleeve. It’s Kaylen, looking up at me with eyes like a puppy’s.

“I was wondering where you had gotten off to.”

“What do you want?” She should be distracted by all the debauchery around us, why is she here bothering me? I’m not going to hold her hand and take her through it all. She’s a big girl, she can figure it out herself.

“What’s up?”

“No offense, but you make a bad wingman. Why don’t you go see what kind of party tricks Ryan’s got cooked up?” I walk away from her. Daisy Duke’s disappeared on me and I can’t help the annoyance I feel towards Kaylen. I am not wasted enough yet. Back to the kitchen for more booze but I’m going to need something stronger soon. I’m not even going to bother with mixing anything else in with the alcohol. I don’t want to remember the end of the night.

PeeWee’s managed to find these two hot chicks to nurse back to health. That kid has got more game than most people who can actual keep their lunches down. I leave him to it. It’s time to see what Johnny Psychotic is up to. I learned my lesson last time to always know what he’s up to. He set the last house party on fire. We’re safe for now. He’s only trying to scale the building. Maybe he’ll fall off and everyone will have to scatter but knowing him, he wouldn’t even feel it. I’m free to do as I please. There’s no one who needs baby sitting. Time to fuck some shit up. The first order of business is to find Ryan and get some shit off of him. All I have to worry about is running in to Kaylen. I should have sent her off to see someone else. I need a hit of acid or something.

Daisy Dukes is leaning in the doorway back into the house and I can’t get back in to find Ryan without talking to her. Things could not work out more perfectly. I walk up to her.

“Hey there.”

“Hi.” That’s all it takes. She’s got her arms around my neck kissing me. She warm and soft and tastes like tequila. I’m getting drunk just from tasting her. She is trashed as all hell. Works for me. I maneuver her against the wall to get out of he doorway. I’m tired of people tapping me on the shoulder to get past us. Her ass fits perfectly in my hands. I haven’t felt an ass like that in months. Not since Left Over Crack was in town. There were some fine ladies at that show. That was before the Kaylen was in the picture. She’s fun and all but I can’t get very far with her. Not tonight. Sometimes that girl can be such a fucking tease. I want her to be far away right now. She’s a fucking ball and chain. All the guys don’t want much to do with her, she’s too small town for them.

We need to find a room if this continues. Daisy Duke is ready to go. I don’t know if she will be able to hold it in for the search. She stops me every few feet to make out some more. The alcohol has stolen all of her balance. I’d feel like I’m taking advantage of her except that she won’t remember this in the morning. I’m still drinking, I’ll catch up to her soon. First I have to get her up to the stairs. Finding an empty room takes a lot of walking. We’re almost in another wing of the house. Who the fuck has other wings to their house? It’s such a fucking waste but I get to have sex in this wing, so why the fuck should I care. She’s half naked before I can even close the door. Why are there not more girls this easy in the world? It’d make getting laid so much easier.

There’s no need to worry about pleasing this chick. I don’t even know her name. This is totally proof that girls need sex just as much as guys do. She’s got my junk in her hands when the door opens. It’s Kaylen standing there.

“Sorry, I was just looking for the – Aaron?”

“What?” She just stares at me, slack jawed. Why hasn’t she left yet? Fucking nosey bitch looks like she’s going to cry. “Get out of here!” The door slams shut and I turn back to Daisy Duke. The drunken slut passed out with my cock in her hands. I’ve been fucking cock blacked by Kaylen yet again. This is getting old. I turn Daisy Duke on her side so that she can’t choke on her vomit. Things would not end well if she died before waking up. Someone else will find her this way. She’s not my problem anymore. What is my problem is poor lost puppy Kaylen. She never lets me pawn her off on someone else. Maybe I should just get her trashed enough that she’ll let me fuck her. My balls are going to drop off if I don’t get some tonight.

The stairs are steeper than I remember. Maybe the alcohol is finally doing its job. I see Ryan leaning against a wall with a creepy smile on his face, as usual. That kid is fucking strange looking in his ever present sports coats. I have never seen anyone else who looks anything at all like him. If I did, they’d have my pity. I saunter up to him. It’s time to make a deal with the fucker.

“Ryan, buddy, what’s up?”

“Not much, man. What are you up to?”

“I was hoping you could tell me.”

“I got some candy. What do you want, man?”

“None of that shit you gave me last time. That shit would not leave me for days. I nearly had a fucking seizure. People thought I’d fucking overdosed or something.”

“Naw man, don’t worry. I got rid of that shit. I’ll give you some of the really good stuff on the house. How about that? To make up for your troubles last time.”

“I can’t say I would be disappointed with this arrangement.” He hands me two tabs of acid from one of his pockets. Those pockets are always full of any substance you could want. I do not want to be around if ever he gets busted though. That would be painful to watch. There’s no way he could talk his way out of that. No one could. I slip one tab onto my tongue and keep the other one for later.

Now to find anything I can smash. The night will not be complete without some wanton destruction. Time to find Johnny and Bruiser. Destruction and chaos are never far behind with those two. We’ve been here for two hours now. I’m surprised the house is still standing. In fact, they’ve found a golf cart in the garage. Now it’s crashed into the wall of the pool house. Bruiser is tearing shit off it while Johnny is getting ready to snort a couple lines. The band is still playing full tilt on the roof like nothing happened. Albeit, they’re avoiding jumping on that side too hard. The backyard looks like some kind of twisted battle field. The pit is raging, there are bodies strewn everywhere from people passed out. Shit is on fire, the pool has burning shit floating in it. It’s quite the sight to behold.

Kaylen comes charging up to me, looking pissed and disheveled. I smile and wave jokingly at her while still talking to Johnny. Now, finally I’m in a better mood to deal with her. Ryan has given me the cure to my antsy ass moodiness. Obviously she didn’t get any candy off Ryan or else she’d be looking a lot happier.

“Enjoying the chaos, babe?” I get a slap in the face.

“What is your problem?!” She is mad. It’s kind of cute the way her face is flushed and she looks all pouty with her hands balled into tiny fists.

“My problem? I don’t have a problem. I’m doing just find.”

“What was that business with that girl upstairs?”

“That was me trying to get laid before you cock blocked me so heinously.”

“But I though-“

“You thought what? That somehow you have a right to me? I’m not yours. Understand? I can go fuck who ever that fuck I want. And tonight, I don’t really feel like dealing with your bullshit so I might as well look elsewhere for a good screw. So you can go now.” Johnny hands me a mirror with two lines of something. He never said what it was. I snort them one after the other while she just stares at my like I kicked a puppy.

“You’re such a prick.”

“Hey, I warned you. I told you not to come but you wouldn’t listen. You can’t handle shit like this. You’re still stuck in that little town of yours. This is what the real world is like. Get used to it or go home.”

“Asshole.” She walks off.

“Yeah that’s right. Go cry to your momma. No body else is going to care.” She lunges at me all crazy like. I throw her to the ground easily. She’s a head shorter than me. I don’t know what she’s thinking. It takes her a second to recover from the knock to her skull. She comes at me again. Too stubborn for her own good. This time I slug her in the face. Bitch is damaging my calm. She’s on the ground again with tears in her eyes and blood on her face. This time she doesn’t get up.

FIN.