It’s Kind of a Funny Story (Longer Version)

The cupboard behind me feels uncomfortable because of the knobby thing behind my back. I am scrunched up into a very awkward ball and my breathing is slow and careful. If anyone finds out that I’m hiding underneath the kitchen tables that will not be good.

Okay um what should I do?

Hmm I know…I could think of my next article…

Uhh…what can it be about?

Okay now this is beginning to sound like a conversation, it’s okay though. Dr. Gykllen says this is F-I-N-E. But she says a lot of things…and I know she’s a good shrink and all but…she’s a little woo hoo out there. Scratch that, she is NOT a SHRINK, well she’s not my shrink. I am not an emotional disaster-I just have some feelings that I-I need to share. And besides most of the time, I’m the one listening to Dr. Gykell’s problems. She’s not even a doctor so she’s definitely not a shrink. Then why do I call her doctor and refer to her as my shrink? She must have brainwashed me.

“Hey scoot over okay?”

“Wh-wha?” I asked in a flustered voice. A guy, about my age or maybe a year older peered at me then at the small space beside my hiding spot.

“Well are you?”

“Uh-,” I replied in mid-sentence, wiggling by butt to give him some space to sit next to me on the perfectly polished floor.

“Whew, glad I’m out of there,” he said sitting beside me. “Those people are crazy.” When he said crazy he stressed the letter a.

“Uh okay,” I laughed a bit.

“So why are you here?”

“Um,” I began. Okay how exactly do I tell this incredibly good looking guy that I was hiding from my former boss- editor? That I came to this very exciting, posh party with the intention of flirting with loaded heirs only to find my crazy ex -editor laughing boisterously with his twenty something year old wife Priscilla? In deep s hit I was, the moment I saw his red face and bulbous cheeks.

“Um ha-ha,” I laughed nervously, “It’s uh kind of a funny story,” I began.

“It’s okay I have time…I mean we’re both pathetic enough to hide under a kitchen island when the most expensive party is taking place.”

I laughed, “Yeah pathetic…” What’s a kitchen island? Okay must research that later.

“Okay well the truth is I’m hiding from my ex boss or editor, whatever.”

He raised his eyebrow then grinned, “Ex boss?”

“Yeah,” I said swatting my hand to signal that my situation was not a big deal even though it WAS. “Let’s just say I didn’t hand in a crucial article in time because I was going through this whole…thing.” I couldn’t tell him everything. He could be working for them for all I know. “Anyways, I wrote him this extremely long detailed letter that I was fleeing from Cancun because my less fortunate family from Ghana finally got papers and since being a lucky one, I have a three bedroom house there so I was going over there to live and take care of them..”

“Laugh out loud,” he said chuckling deeply.

“Laugh out loud? What are you on, msn crack? That went out like 10 years ago!”

“So?”

“So…it’s weird, don’t say that.”

“I’m weird? You’re the one hiding from your boss because you made an excuse that you were fleeing to Cancun.”

“So?” I said defensively shifting from the invisible space between us. He scooted closer to me though which caused me to narrow my eyes and question his motives.

“Exactly,” he said, “We’re both weird.”

“So…why are you hiding?”

“Well,” he started looking deeply into my eyes, “my fiancée is here and she doesn’t know that I moved out yet. She was staying at some fancy hotel because of some business…yeah right. And I packed my bags and moved from our apartment.”

“Oh,” I say, then an, “O-kay…” he has a fiancée??? Damn! I don’t want to be the other woman. “You have a fiancée?” I asked.

“No.”

“Well you just said you did.”

“I meant to say my ex-girlfriend.” Even stranger…how exactly does ex-girlfriend sound like fiancée?

“Okay…why would you still be living with your ex girlfriend?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know…well I do. She has issues with letting go. I didn’t want to just walk out on her-she’s kind of crazy, a little. She would have probably accused me of raping her if I didn’t make the process slow. But I kind of had enough-with her, plus I found a roommate-better in the head and with a cheaper rent.”

“Hmm cheaper rent, you know, really good stuff, yeah.” I am NOT trying to be nosy.

He scratched his head, something I have never seen a guy do but only in the movies. “I work at a bookstore, not that much money.”

Whoa a um bookstore? That’s nice. I work for magazines and he works at a bookstore. You know we have uh written stuff in common.

“Why are you making that face?” He said interrupting my thoughts.

“What face?”

“This face,” he widened his eyes and raised an eyebrow swaying his head back and forth.

“I wasn’t making that face.”

“Yeah you were.”

“No I wasn’t.”

“Were.”

“Wasn’t.”

“Were.”

“Wasn’t”

“Wasn’t.”

“Were.”

“Ha! I got you!” He said laughing.

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes, “Don’t think that I was trying to judge you or something cause I wasn’t.”

“I know you weren’t. I’m not like a dropout trying to make ends meet. I went to college.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Just not really finding a suitable job for myself.”

“Oh? And what kind of job would you like?”

“Plumber maybe. I always thought it would be cool to unclog toilets, you know fun stuff.”

“Oh,” I sure hoped my face didn’t express any look of horror or surprise.

He laughed, “Just kidding! the look on your face was priceless man, wished I had a camera.” I made a face and laughed. At least he had a sense of humor.

“I don’t know what I wanna be yet, maybe that’s why I’m working at a bookstore.”

I kind of fell bad for him for a second, maybe I didn’t need to, but he had this deer in headlights expression on his face, like he was really thinking and maybe questioning himself.

“I like books.”

He looked at me and smiled, “Yeah me too. None of those ‘Edgar Allen Poe’ or ‘Harper Lee,’” He said the authors names with an exaggerated british accent.

I laughed, “me too I like…unknown and different. I don’t find them nowadays so my obsessions are zines.”

“Zines…I always thought they were called zynes, until my English professor corrected me.”

“Oh my God me too! Well not the English professor part, which would be pretty bad. My friend told me back in elementary school but I wasn’t really sure so I went online to search. Saved the embarrassment of my English professor correcting me.”

“Hey that bitch hated me! Because of her, I almost failed that class.” I smiled, absorbing everything, our conversation which required a few moments of silence. A sudden thought popped into my head causing me to chuckle.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Uhh,” I said nodding my head then giggling. “You know what? This is so weird, us hiding from two potential murderers/nut cases.”

“Yeah,” he laughed, “It is weird.” All of a sudden, I had a frightening thought. “What if she comes here, you know, your ex-girlfriend and find us-together? What will she do then? I mean I’m still young, have great job, hot…”

“Yes you are.”

Now he was sitting really, really close to me and I could feel his breath against my neck. Ahh…a sensation that gave me pleasure in every spot imaginable. What is it called? Frission…ahh…

“You’re not so bad either,” I muttered.

“What?”

“Nothing…I mean y-you look…nice too,” I said quietly. I couldn’t say hot that would make me sound too eager even though he said I was hot.

“We’re all alone here and…there’s nothing to do.”

“How about asking my name?”

“What’s your name?”

“Michelle.”

“Pretty name.”

“So I’ve heard….what’s yours?”

There was a sudden jiggle and then a loud bam. I almost jumped and so did he so we ended up colliding heads.

“Oww,” I moaned in pain at the same time he moaned, “Ah shit!” A smile tugged on my lips as an idea played in my mind. “Aww…is it that bad?” I said softly stroking the spot on his head that collided with mine.

“Not so much, I gue-ohhh,” he said finally cluing in to my idea. “It actually hurts very much.”

“Mmm,” I murmured making my strokes go softer and dare I say…lower.

“What about you? Does yours hurt?”

“Yeah, it hurts real bad….” He too placed his palm against my forehead and gently stroked it.

“Maybe this can help…” I said kissing the spot on his forehead then batting my eyelashes at him.

“Thank you, it did, but yours hurts the same equal amount as mine does so maybe this will help you too,” He said kissing the spot on my forehead.

We heard the sound of a door sliding then footsteps. “Oh God, I know exactly what you mean, sweet heart. A year ago, I had this woman-one of the best-effing writers I ever had-humorous very insightful articles she wrote. It’s a shame she had to move-some tragic family reunion in Cancun.”

“Yeah I know what you mean hun, my ex boyfriend moved just like that after a break-up, I didn’t even get a chance to tell him that I got a raise on my job and that he could have paid just forty-five percent of the rent. He was in a little bit of a financial problem you know?”

“Hey did you just giggle? Strange. Cause I didn’t see your lips move...”