I get the funny feeling he thinks I am just an adolescent, a person who he never cared to take into mind. I, on the other hand, know he is my world. Each time I reach that little CD/café shop he works at, on the corner of 5th and 8th Avenue, I go into a stir. The feelings I get.

I don’t know how anyone can resist the sweet aroma of his being. I always walk up to ask for a pathetic CD I saw on the shelf but don’t care to buy. All I care to hear is the pleasant sound of his voice and taking in his words. I cannot stand even on 5th Avenue without my stomach rousing anymore. The very thought of being by this man beguiles me.

On such occasions I take the liberty of making an “extra” trip to Crazy Mikes, the CD/café, when I am aware that I cannot make it there the next day. I cannot help but think about it all of the time. I tell my friends, “I think this guy who works at Crazy Mikes is hot”. That’s about all they think about. I never make it apparent that there is a more than “a hot guy”, but a person I want to love me. Why? What ever could you want? Not much at all, love, passion, fire, and the understanding and reassurance of having the one in your life.

Age is just a number they say. I think they lie. You see a twenty year old with a thirty-eight year old and what do you think? She has to be a slut, or a gold digger. Do you think maybe they are indeed in love? No. Never even occurs to people. I recall a time my parents and I saw a twenty-year-old man and a forty-year-old women holding hands and walking into a grocery store. Then my mother points out, “Isn’t that sick? She looks old enough to be his mother! The world today is messed up.” Those words did hurt and still do. Your own daughter is a freak of the world.

I would never want him to be younger. I don’t wish to be any older either. I like the way it is. Does that make me a fool blinded by the obvious teenage hallucination of love? Maybe. I am not even certain as to whether I love or just obsessed. There is a fine, fine line between the two. I wonder if I will ever get the courage to ask him something other than, “Where can I find the Royksopp CD?” Maybe we can talk sometime... This thought gives me chills.

I love Saturdays. It allows me to unwind and take a breather. I will admit being seventeen and a high school student does give you enough pressure. As I make my way down High Street and turn onto 5th Avenue I feel my face flush and hands clench. I see his car parked at the end of the street. I tighten my grip on my brown, leather bag. Every step I take it feels like the sidewalk is moving, and I begin to stagger with every pathetic movement.

As I push the glass door open, I step in tripping and falling forward on the step I was too nervous to remember was there.

“Hello?” I hear from the register in the back. My stomach lurches with the pleasing sound of his voice. I hear footsteps this way and I quickly stand up and brush off my jeans and red Gap t-shirt. When I look up I realize he is face to face with me. Breathe. Even breaths. I feel myself stumble back on the stair and he grabs my arm before I collapse again. His skin… smooth and pale is touching mine.

“What are you doing?” Oh my word! I feel my cheeks glow red.

“I-I slipped on the step. I’m sorry.” I give a weak smile. His blue eyes are captivating me. He runs his gorgeous hands though his marvelous blonde hair nervously.

“It’s alright. Are you alright?” I cannot stop gaping.

“Y-Yeah I am fine,” I mentally slap myself for stuttering twice.

“I recognize you,” Oh my golly! He remembers me, “You come here a lot don’t you?”

Shoot. Does he notice my neurotic behavior? “Yes I do. I love this place,” He waves me to follow him. My mind is scatty. This is implausible.

“It isn’t often I get people in here anymore. Well, besides you. By the way, what might your name be?”

My eyes widen and I flip my hair back. My abdomen does a goes into a spasm. “Stella.”

“Hi, Stella, I’m-“

“Matt,” I accidentally finished. Drat!

“Yes, how’d you? Oh, well you probably read my name tag,” Saved.

Heading towards the bathroom I call behind me, “I am using the facilities.”

As I walk in I stare at my pathetic, love sick face. My green eyes now look like a dull grey, and my dark brown hair is flat. I struggle miserably to fix my hair. I wash my face realizing that I am completely freaking out. It is nothing. Nothing. He only wants to talk. Nothing more. Chill out.

I walk out very nonchalantly. I feel like a wreck but at the same time seamless. I catch site of his blonde head behind the CD shelves. Sighing I gawk again. A dreamy look spreading over my face I realize he is coming towards me.

His smile illuminates the room. Then thunder. I flinch as the lights go out.

“Shit!” He yells out.

I look out the window to see the rain is pouring harder than ever and thunder crackles in the sky. Shoot. I have to walk home. Reality finally strikes and I begin to worry about if my parents are over reacting.

“I think I’d better leave. I have to walk so before it gets too bad I don’t want to be stuck in-“

He cuts me off, “You are not walking in this.” Holy cow in a hand basket. “We can sit and ride it out or I-I could take you.”

“I think my parents will wonder where I am. Besides, it is only a few miles,” I give another weak smile.

“Let me just take you. I have to lock up so it may be a few moments,” My heart is in so much pain. It beats with the pain of want. Yes, yes take me! No, no it would be wrong.

“Alright, thank you,” My stomach is going to explode from butterflies- no birds. There are birds in my stomach. The extremity or my desire is above and beyond any reach.

Finally after he flips the lights and grabs his keys he says, “Let’s get going then. I don’t want your parents worried.”

I walk directly at his red Jeep liberty. “How did you know this was my car?”

Darn it. I did it again. “Just a guess.”

He laughs, “You know a lot don’t you?” Is he insinuating something? Wait, no, no he cannot. Silly girl I am. I am making a dramatization.

I give a delayed, weak chuckle.

The rain is pouring on us. His hair is all wet and skin drenched. His coat, though, is not affected by the water. I want to stroke his skin. I want out lips to come into contact like in all those cheesy movies. My breath slows and my face spreads into a lazy smirk. He stares and then- “Let me get the door for you.”

I step into the car an inhale the delightful aroma. It is comfortable inside yet my mind aches and my mind quakes. I scrunch my hands together to keep from shaking nervously.

He starts the car and I look over at his face, still wet with rain trickling down his cheeks. Wiping it away with his wrist I cannot help but be allured.

“Where do you live? You mentioned it was only a few miles.”

Awakened from his words I say, “High Street on the corner. 15643 High Street is my address.”

“Alright,” he clears his throat. “So, erm do you want to just stop by tomorrow if the weather is nice? I didn’t really get a chance to talk.” A date. Oh my good golly! No, no, no. Calm down. Settle yourself. Just talking. Conversation between two… Can I call us strangers? What are we?

I look around and become conscious that we passed my house.

“Stop, er, I think you just passed my house,” I feel dumb missing that.

“Shit,” I heard him mutter under his breath.

We pull up on my driveway and I sit for a moment. I stare at my bag then look up into his eyes. I fumble anxiously at the door handle. I still look at him as I try to get up. “Oops,” I feel my face turn red. I forgot to take off my seatbelt. He chuckles and says, “Tomorrow then?”

“Oh, oh yeah. I will see you thank you for…” I cannot finish my sentence. Say something! I am at loss. His hand was touching mine. Oh… His little pinky came into contact with my left one. I didn’t know whether it was intentional or not. I need to get out of the car.

“… The ride,” I finally finish.

“Anytime,” He smirks and puts out his hand. What does this mean? Oh hand shake. Ha. Relax.

I take his hand with finesse and he is warm and smooth. Like when he caught me falling. Oh my heart is hypnotized by the feeling.

Stumbling out of the car he gives me one last wave as I shut the door. He gives me one last wave and pulls out. There I stand. I am not allowed to move. My body is utterly taken over. I won’t let the feeling go. His hands, his smile, his voice, his soul… I want to be what he yearns for.

Upon entering my house I become aware that no one is home. I throw down my bag and look on the kitchen counter. A note, of course. Dear, Stella Your father, David, and I have gone to Grandma’s. She isn’t well and I want you to take care of the cat and the house. We will be back Sunday evening Love, Mom.

That’s a relief. They are not worried and I have Sunday to myself. I go to the laundry room and take a scoop of dry cat food and put it in Steve’s bowl.

Sigh. Tomorrow.

Waking up my vision blurs from black to white. I squint at the clock that reads 10:30 am. Right away I grab my brown cords and maroon jacket as I head for the shower. The hot water feels nice on my ache in my back.

I pour some cereal and before I eat push the screen open to let the cat out. Sitting down with a sigh I spin my spoon in my cereal and watch Steve leap on a cricket. I begin to play out the scene in my head. Recall the pervious day. It makes my insides quiver when I think of his skin touching mine.

Pulling my sleeves over my wrists I close my eyes with my head rested on my closed fists. Deep breaths. What is this nonsense I have dug my self into? Love for someone who doesn’t want me? My mind plays a game of passion with my core of being. Passion can be an addiction or true love. How do you tell the difference? Only time will tell.

I grab my keys off of the counter and lock the side door after Steve enters. Walking out to the garage I feel suddenly lightheaded and woozy. I feel as I am going to collapse. Staggering up to my black Pontiac I manage to pop open the door and slid in. My hand trembles as I slide the key in the ignition.

The road blurs together with every small white line. My lips suddenly curve into a little grin when I spot his car in the same spot as yesterday. I pull up right behind him, and as I turn off the car I still and take a moment to myself.

I seem to crawl out of the car the fall air hits my lips and I draw in the fragrance. I am relaxed by the autumn chills.

Pressing my weight against the door I slip inside, making sure not to fall on the step. I tuck a few loose hairs away unnoticeably. There it is. The blonde locks that attract my hand like a magnet. I need to caress it… Deep sigh. His eyes flash towards me.

“Stella, I didn’t hear you come in,” He gave a small jerk as he saw me. I could see his eyes trying to read my expressions. I cocked my brow to throw off any sign of affection in my face.

I give a little chuckle and continue to stare up at his handsome face. Then I begin to tighten my fist to keep from shuddering. I shallow hard and give another weak giggle.

He moves his hands though his hair once more and motions for me to trail along with him. A small moan escapes my lips as he lays his hand upon my shoulder.

“I want you to see this movie I found. An old indie film I thought was very… expressive,” The excitement in his voice and gleam in his eyes were enough for me.

I couldn’t help but think, “M-me? You want me to see it? We hardly know each other?” I can’t in all my heart say I don’t want to in the least bit. What could this be?

“What a better way then to watch a movie about world views.” He gives me a wink and leads my to a door saying Employees Only.

My insides churn with a million birds. A million feelings. A million questions, and a million thoughts. “This does seem random. I still don’t understand why me?”

“If you don’t want to-“

“No! No! I want to I just am a little curious as to why you would hang out with a total stranger. Allow me in the,” I gulp, “Employee Lounge.”

“Oh well what else have I got to do? Plus, you are a charming girl,” he smirks and cheeks flush into a shade of pink.

“Oh thank you,” I am so jumpy. I cannot control my excitement. Charming. Charismatic. Oh goodness. Faint feelings take over every muscle in my body. I shove my hands in my pockets to help stop the twitch of stimulation.

He pushes the door open and there are a few folding chairs and an old television in the center of the room on a folding table. The coffee machine is on a makeshift counter. A gallon of water sits on a small refrigerator. There are two small windows with the shades pulled shut. I can see a rather old VHS on top to the TV.

“We are having some renovations. I apologize,” I can also hear another mutter of curse words pertaining to the TV.

“No need. I think it is… comfy?” I chuckle at his response.

“You cannot be serious. This place is sh- crap. Again I apologize for my language. I am usually alone. I don’t believe men should use foul language in front of the ladies,” He jolts his eyebrows twice on the word “ladies”.

I laugh a little too loudly. Hysterically.

He gives me a side glance then bends down to the television. Beating at it and switching channels quickly I notice a very… pleasurable view. I am not a pervert oh no. Any women with the least bit of estrogen in her can observe his… back side. Kneeling down and poking wildly at this machine makes me grin. I feel sweat trickle down my temples. The heat must have turned up to 90 because man. He bends over further exposing part of his lower back. Heat. Fervor. Control. Regain composure and close your eyes. Look away. Look around. Give in to the darker side. My eyes trail around on my shoes. I look up once more and it haunts me.

“Here we are,” he stands quickly. Shaking my head I am back to reality once more. “You might not like it. I personally found some profound meanings and good points.”

“We’ll have to see,” he presses the play button and plops himself next to me in another folding chair. His cologne intoxicates my senses. I see from the corner of my eye he is looking at me. Freezing up I casually tie my stings on the jacket around my fingers.

Scenes of protesters in front of the White House passed on the screen the camera man talks about abortion and religious tolerance. There are so many people of so many religions protesting. They show their rights and declare rights as humans. I am fascinated by this. As what seem minutes turn to hours it ends with some women dying and protesters being shot.

“My word,” I am speechless. Indeed it was profound. Listening to all the hopeful chants I see that there are people in this world with problems a million times the size of my wretched love. As I hang my head pondering my life I seem to take another look at myself.

“Did it frighten you? I don’t want to-“

“Oh it was amazing. I loved the feelings the protesters were willing to show. I am too weak to do something like that. People have the courage to stand up for their faith and rights. I cannot even tell my teacher what happened to my homework,” I feel as if I have said too much.

A tiny chortle is released from his deep voice. “I like your way of thinking. It is very open-minded. I can see we share similar beliefs in human rights.”

“I never really contemplate these things. I liked it a lot. Thank you,” As I say this I could not help but put a hand on his forearm. Soon realizing what I had done I pull it away hesitantly. “Oops… I didn’t mean to…” Too late.

My eyes and his connected in an almost wide smile we both made. I sat back in my chair and he continued to read my eyes. This made me tense up. Searching my eyes I didn’t take them away from his intent look. He shook his head at long last and rubbed his eyes with fists.

“It’s … not a problem,” I wanted to do something to break this silence I had created.

Getting up without another word we went out the door to the actual story area itself. The place I was confined to until today… I looked at my watch 2:17pm. With one big stretch I went over to the register and stood self-consciously. I wanted to be careful not to allow my shirt to go up when I stretched. I don’t want to make him think… Think what? Is it the truth?

“Hey, this was fun. I enjoyed that. What else would you like to do?” His deep tone made my stomach flip with a girlish delight. “Er … we don’t have-“

I took his hand that he was raising in his second guessing. I could no longer control my desire whether it is lust or love. I needed to be in contact with his essence. Anything at all will send my heart into a tremendous implosion. Hands shivering from the long converging oh his hand and mind quaking I do the most humiliating thing. I quickly let go of his hand and hold my stomach for a moment.

He gave a loud laugh, “Hungry?”

I nodded and felt all the blood rush out of my face. I am mortified by my pitiful body. He walked away for a moment and I begin to mutter to myself. As if I cannot be enough of a freak I mutter in not English oh no. I grumble in Latin.

I hear shuffling foot steps and a low snicker “Are you alright?” Again I nod and begin picking at my strings. “Well I will drive us some where. I need a lunch break anyways.”

Going out. A date. Eating with him. He doesn’t understand what goes on in my mind. If I just allow him to see what satisfaction he gives my soul… I quake at the touch, stir with his look, and burn in my chest when he wants and chooses to be with me. Why me? Of all the women in the world I have been graced with his … companionship.

I climb into the car again, the feelings and smells of late evening return to me. I look over to my left and a drunken look washes over me. His concentration on the fellow drivers and road give me a feeling of security in his company. A feeling like I am safe within arms. Not any arms. His. Oh to feel the warmth of his body wrapped around my frame. It would propel my psyche into other planets filled with unexplainable inclination. To feel the breath and soft lips on me would be an enchantment for the body. Do I need it? Do I only yearn for it?

We pull up to a small restaurant with a purple sign reading Bean Café. Bean. Unique name. Coffee place I would assume. My legs go numb I can no longer move. He opens the door for me for what seems seconds after he gets out of the car. I stare up at him with eyes that seem dazed and astonished. Feelings of disbelief fill my mind. I cannot fathom this state of affairs I have gotten myself into. It is wrong. I use him for my freakish delight, but then I think he asked me. I didn’t do anything. Did I lead him on? These concepts pour though my head as we make our way to a small table for two.

“Thank you for taking me out. I-I mean this seems… erm this place is nice.” Stupid.

“Not a problem,” he gestures for the waitress to come over. Then he leans his hand on his head a moment. Slowly turning his head my way I feel as if I am about to swoon. A dorky smile spreads on his well defined facial features. How does he seize my affection with his simple movements?

“Still, I must admit that I am shocked still at the sudden interest in going to eat with me,” I am not sure what to say. Was that dumb?

His eyes get serious for a moment and then flash back to a very desirable but silly look. Touch me. I feel my breath slow and my pulse race through my body. It’s just you and me. I cannot control my intimations. I stand and can sense my obvious humiliating expressions. Then I sit. What in the world?

“Are you alright?” His face suddenly is serious again.

“Yes, I’m, well, just anxious,” I cannot believe I said that.

“I-I make you anxious?” He looks flattered and astonished at the very same time. “I m-erm…”

Silence. Oh the deathly silence pierces my heart. Mind racing, temples pounding, hands shaking, nausea, foot has an annoying tap, tap, tap. What have you done with the old Stella? I nod and give a short and sharp sigh. I look everywhere but his eyes. He puts his hand on hands that are tied together and I wince. No pain, no burning just the soothing, sweet seduction of touch.

“You want to leave? I don’t want you to. We hardly know each-“ He stops and takes his hand off of mine. The part of my hand feels oh so cold with out his. “You know more about me than I think. You come to the store so much. I have noticed.” His voice is lowered to a whisper. A heavy and shaky sigh escapes my throat. “I must admit, though,” he stares at me, “I have wanted to… meet you.” He looks uneasy and looks around.

“I have wanted to meet you and I did come to see y-“ Don’t tell him. Your sick secret will be gone. This just in “Freakish girl stalks store manager”! “You.” I shallow hard and cannot see. The tears are hard to fight. The pressure on my eyes is immense. “I’m sorry I bothered you and I am sick you are probably married and I am sick and horrid,” I whisper hiding the few tears escaping me.

He touches my chin. Oh my good golly. The warmth spreads to every tip of my body. I hadn’t been aware of how close he was now. Touching me just like that. He was sitting in the chair next to me.

“I am not mad, married, or discussed with your intentions,” I look up and his face is comforting and grinning madly.

“You’re –not?” I sniffle a bit and give out a small chuckle. Dumb circumstances.

“Why would I be? A pretty girl like you attracted to an ugly guy like me. I didn’t get this much attention in high school,” We both laugh and he is hunched towards me.

“Well, erm I am in high school. I am a senior. Also, you are not ugly that is insulting to me.” I give him a friendly shove.

“You aren’t as tense are you?” He reads me like a book. Typical man. The waitress finally comes with two waters and menus.

“I am not hungry actually,” I admit. “I only wanted to-to be with you today.” Divulging my sentiment is refreshing and invigorating.

“Me either. Guilty?” I give him a look and am in utter shock. It hits me as if it weren’t so evident before. I chug my water because I am feeling so hot. This anxiety is killing me. All I wanted was acknowledgement from this man and now I bring mind that he wants me too. Not the way I want him though. A friend is what he seeks. Love and to be loved is what I seek.

“I have to go. This isn’t right. I shouldn’t be here.” He wants to leave me. Why oh why? What sort of torture are you putting on a young woman? This is the worst of the worst torment: playing with my heart.

We stand up and he says, “Wait,” before I walk away. “You need a ride. Let me take you to your car. Please. To make it up for what I did.” Oh you don’t know what you have done. Nothing anyone can make “normal” again.

“Okay,” That is all I need to say.

The car ride is intense. I watch his eyes the whole time. Guilt builds on me for trying to get him to notice my eyes. I begin to move about in my seat and I pull out a piece of paper. Slipping a pen out of my bag I begin to write on the slip of paper. This is so grade school. Is says: “Name: Stella Jefferson, Grade: 12, # 349-1121, Thank you for the great time. You are not sick it is my fault. You just don’t know what I feel when I see you. I wish I could say. Maybe we could just do something as friends again?” Weak and pitiful is what this is.

When we pull up to the store I can see it is starting to get a little dark. I slip him the paper and stare at the ground. Shuffling my feet I decide after a minute to just go away and leave this poor man alone forever.

I begin to pull on the door handle and I hear a click. Secure. Locked. My breathing slows again and my head is hurting. My chest full of birds flutters wildly. Grabbing my shoulder I realize I am trapped. He looks at me eyes then at my lips this pattern begins to take me over. I do the same and can’t control my drive to have him. I look then before I am aware of it I am pulled into the most wonderful place. Lips on his I press harder and feel him run his hand through my hair. His hand slides to my waist I keep my hands around his neck. So soft those lips. My stomach has so many spazims shooting up and down. He is gentle but I goad him further. Consume my mind. He opens his mouth for a moment and gives one last soft peck on my upper lip.

My eyes still closed I cannot breath. Panting and trying to sort out what had just happened I cannot stop thinking. Running and running my heart goes at a million miles an hour. My hands are numb and lips warm. I want to leave but I don’t. I meet his blue piercing eyes and he grins and blushes. “I think that speaks for itself.” His voice is so deep now. I am smiling from ear to ear and my face glowing. All these disgraceful months of wanting and fantasizing about his kiss are done. I don’t know what to do. Move, go home, fake it in front of your parents. I don’t care. Nothing takes love away and controls my desires.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I pop the lock and dash top the car. Oh what I night I have ahead of me. What in the world? Have I been haunted by this ardor or blessed? Thank you. I am so ecstatic I can hardly hide it. I see he doesn’t get out of his car but I must get in mine. Go home. Don’t get yourself in deeper. I crave him. If I don’t see him ever again I may as well be sweep off of all creation. Positive thinking. We don’t want negative. Look at what just happened. I was graced with his lips on mine. Oh the feelings.