Author: unlikely.story PM
Ex is on a mission: to find the perfect kiss. To do that, she'll have to find the perfect guy. What the mystery guy who keeps following her around fails to understand, is that he doesn't fit the requirements.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,693 - Reviews: 66 - Favs: 39 - Follows: 69 - Updated: 06-05-07 - Published: 05-14-07 - id: 2361802
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His lips tasted like cheese- cheddar cheese, with a hint of mozzarella. I reached behind me, and found my pen and pad of paper, scribbling that down.
Cheese flavoured lips, mostly cheddar, containing a subtle hint of mozzarella. Should do something about that. Suggest breath mints or gum, or flavoured chap stick, possibly watermelon.
Lenny leaned in a little closer, moaning. "Lenny," I suggested, his mouth still on mine. "Try leaning to the left. Let's see what happens." He followed my instructions to the letter, and I nodded my approval. "Perfect." I made another note on my paper, remembering to keep one arm locked around Lenny's body. Was that…a rib pressing into me? Suggest carbohydrates; protruding bones rarely contribute to an enjoyable kiss.
He moaned again. "Ex, God you're good." To my dismay, he intensified the kiss.
"Okay, I think that's enough for today. Thanks Lenny," I said against his mouth, the words muffled. He either didn't hear me, or decided to ignore it, as he continued mauling my mouth, his hands pulling at my hair, in what I assumed was a passionate embrace.
"Lenny!" I growled, pulling his mouth away from mine. "Thanks. That's good enough for today. Same time next week, okay?" His eyes were cloudy, and he seemed a little dazed. He stumbled back, his hands in the air, as if they were still wrapped around my body.
"I, uh, sorry. Okay, right, next week." He shook his head forcefully and stepped back a few paces, eyeing my mouth hungrily.
"So Lenny, before you go actually, let me just highlight the areas I think you should address." He stared in confusion. "Okay?" Receiving nothing in response, I continued undeterred. "The first point that needs to be addressed are your cheesy lips."
"Cheesy lips? Like corny?" He demanded, stepping closer.
"No, as in literally cheesy. Like cheddar." I tapped my pen against my lip thoughtfully. "You should probably do something about that. It wasn't very conducive to the mood we wanted to create."
He crossed his arms angrily, and leaned against the wall. "What mood?"
"You know, the mood that uh, one usually associates with… one second, let me just verify the correct term..." I scanned my pages, then, finding what I needed, faced him again. "Uh, I think the correct term is 'making out'. Yes, right. Well, when one usually 'makes out', aren't they supposed to feel, warm, and excited, and uh… turned on?"
He stiffened, and his eyes darkened. Not understanding the warning signs, I persevered.
"Right, so your movements were rather stiff and jerky. Regular ballet lessons should do the trick. I can recommend a place if you'd like." He didn't seem to want to hear my recommendations, so I wisely refrained. "Right…. So, overall, I suggest serious practice. You were flawed in almost every aspect of the kiss." Then I ticked off every flaw on my left hand. "No coordination, no pursing of the lips, lip movement was skewed, no sense of direction, no romance, no-" He cut me off with a growl.
"Thanks Ex, I think I get it. I suck."
Feeling sympathetic, I reached over and touched his arm. "Only at kissing. I'm sure you're great at other things." I patted him lightly and with the best intentions, and a heart full of goodness, I said: "Maybe kissing is just not your thing. Why don't you stick to hugging, or holding hands?"
He held up a hand, showing me his middle finger. "Screw you." Then he stomped out of the room.
"Wait!" I called out, remembering something at the last minute. "I suggest a larger breakfast and lunch, and an increase in your daily caloric intake. You're a little on the thin side. Bones are not attractive!" My well meant advice was not well received.
Hmm, the middle finger? I checked the binder in which I collected all the definitions of the current trends and terms. Reading over the meaning of the middle finger, I winced. Oh….. that was rather rude. Some people obviously could not handle criticism.
I forgot him the minute I heard the door shut, and turned to my notes.
To do list:
1. Find new kissing partner.
2. Buy Lenny watermelon flavoured chap stick.
3. Buy Lenny donuts.
4. Get new ball point pen. Ink running low.
Subject: Finding the Perfect Kiss
Experiment thus far has yielded few results. Must concentrate efforts to fuller degree, and pinpoint exact requirements for 'perfect kiss'. By isolating components and recording data…
"Oh my God, Ex, you are not going to believe what I just heard. Like you're really not." Lin bounded on top of my desk, sat down and folded her legs inwards. She was on my lab report.
"Uh, well…" I was about to tell her not to bother then, when she launched into her speech, flailing arms and all.
"So, I'm sitting next to Brent French, when I suddenly think, like oh my Gosh, his last name is French, so I bet he'd be an awesome French kisser. So I tell him," she stopped to pull the gum from her mouth and stick it under my desk. "Right, so where was I? Oh yeah. So I'm like 'Brent, if your last name is French, you must be like an awesome French kisser.' And he goes, with this super hot smirk on his face." She stopped again. "No, wait, I have to have his voice like perfect." She cleared her throat, then in a deep monotone that was very reminiscent of Brent's, continued. "'I don't know, sweetheart, you tell me.' So I'm like smiling and thinking he's totally joking, when he actually does. Like he actually kisses me." She opened her purse and took out another pack of gum, slowly easing the foil out, unwrapping it, and popping it into her trap.
I held up a hand. "Wait, before you continue, let me get my pen." I pushed down on my retractable ball point pen, then pointed to the paper she was negligently sitting on. She got the hint. She eased off the table for a second, just enough time for me to grab the report.
"What? Are you like writing it down?" She chewed down experimentally on the gum, then grinned.
"Yes. I told you already Lin. I'm conducting an experiment on the 'perfect kiss'. You know, what defines a perfect kiss, what is required in a perfect kiss, the execution of the perfect kiss."
"Right." She smiled. "And the funny thing, Ex, is that you say that like it's totally normal."
"What is?" I scrambled for a way to get her back on topic, more specifically, the kiss.
"You say: 'I told you already, I'm doing an experiment on the perfect kiss' like it's normal for people to do that. Like everybody spends hours on end testing out different kissing methods in order to like, crack the kissing code."
My face lit up. "Lin, that is totally brilliant." She nodded in agreement. " 'Cracking the kissing code,'" I practiced. "It has a nice ring to it. That is definitely the new title for my experiment." I wrote that down on the top of my page, not even trying to hide my excitement. This was the first landmark in my quest to further science.
"You're totally missing my point," she started, rolling her eyes. She gave up when she realized I was no longer listening. "Fine, whatever. Ignore me. Just make sure, that if you do manage to crack the kissing code, you tell me how it's done." She flipped her brown hair elegantly, and gracefully jumped off the table, leaving my notes and files a scattered mess. "See ya later Ex. Don't kiss any boys that have suspicious blisters near or on the smacker." I assumed that by smacker, she meant mouth, and wrote that down as a footnote. The mouth, in popular culture is often termed 'the smacker' and these findings could possibly have an impact on studies. Enquire further.
I didn't hear her leave.