Chapter Two: Boys Suck

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Author's Note: Don't worry. I changed the names.

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"You're not as tall as me." One boy said to another.

"Shut up." The shorter boy pouted a bit, looking extremely pretty.

"You kind of look like Chad Michael Murray when you do that." Beene pointed at him and shook her finger warningly. "Is that what you want... Richard?"

Richard shook his head and made a very emo-sounding sigh. Beene looked at him fondly.

"You used to look at me like that." The taller boy said.

"Shut up... Jonathan." Beene snapped. "You're gay, remember? I've moved on."

Richard beamed at her. "You mean you'll take me back?"

"No."

"Because you still love me?" Jonathan asked brightly.

"No."

Richard and Jonathan both looked sad.

"I bet I could take you." Jonathan said, finally.

Richard kicked him in the face. Twice.

Jonathan carefully re-aligned his nose. "You caught me unprepared." He said. "I'm ready now."

Richard punched him in the face. Twice.

Jonathan spat blood. "Ow! That hurt. Stop HITTING me."

Richard pulled out a lightsaber and weilded it menacingly. "The force is with me, you asshole." He said, full of righteous anger. Before he could kill his inept nemesis... Cupid appeared suddenly, showering the world with pink sparkly bubbles of light and happiness and goodwill-towards-bovines. "But soft, what light from yonder window breaks? It is the East, and you are the sun!" He intoned solemnly, staring at Beene. "My Psyche, how long has it been since we were in each other's arms? My heart and soul long for you. My body, too, for that matter." He leered.

Richard snarled at the young god.

Jonathan poked at a semi-loose tooth with his tongue. "I think I ought to make a dentist appointment."

Cupid hauled Beene into his arms. "My love! At last we are reuinited!" He attempted to sweep her off of her feet, and then dropped her. "Ow!" he cried, accidentally peircing his own lovely skin with one of his arrows.

"BEENE!" Richard threw himself over her, shielding her with his body as a grenade went off nearby.

"What the hell is going on? Why are we in a war zone?" the dazed Beene asked, but no answer was forthcoming.

"My love." Cupid crooned, stroking the back of Richard's neck.

Richard looked scared. "He's touching me inappropriately." He whispered to Beene. "What do I do?"

"Just say no." She suggested.

"I'm sorry, uh, Mr. Valentine's Day..." Richard began, scrambling to his feet (which, awkwardly enough, involved sticking his ass pretty close to Cupid's face). "But I'm... y'know, not really into guys."

"You can be." Cupid leered at him, stepping closer. He placed a hand on Richard's chest and began to stroke suggestively.

"Stop it!" Richard squeaked. "I know self-defense, and I'll definitely-"

Cupid whipped out a white handkercheif. "I see what you mean." He said, stroking the plain silk square thoughtfully. "You're very subtle, but I think I understand your meaning."

"You do?" Richard looked hopeful.

"You're very shy. I suppose I'll have to teach you a few things."

Richard paled. "That's not what I-"

Cupid gagged him with the handkercheif. "Don't worry. I'll be gentle."

Richard looked terrified.

Meanwhile, Beene crawled away from them on her elbows, desperate to get out of the war zone. Bombs exploded all around her. "I have to get away!" She said to herself. "Or else, who will save my poor friends?"

She looked back and saw Richard being violated by a Roman God. "It's too late for him." She thought. "I must go forth and save Jeh, Sika, and Joey from the clutches of the evil Britt Litt!"

She went forth.

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Epilogue:

- Jonathan accidentally tried to use a land mine as a toilet. Boom.

- Richard is currently still Cupid's love-slave. We might rescue him later.

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PS: "But soft, what light from yonder window..." Is from Romeo and Juliet, a play by the late William Shakespeare. In case you're such a phillistine that you didn't catch my reference. Also, there's probably some copyright infringement because of my use of the lightsaber, but for now...