Written in about 3/4 of an hour. I was trying to get my mind off school stuff and ended up getting into the mind of someone convinced he was doing the right thing. Reviews are always appreciated.

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Forgive Me, Father

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Father, I kneel before you in prayer. I have come to claim sanctuary from those searching eyes outside. The stone cloaks of the saints will hide me from the wandering lights as I come to confess the sins I have committed. The darkness shelters me, as it has always sheltered me. Night hides me from the eyes of the world and allows me to silently ask for you.

Can you hear me, Father? It is I, the son who loves you most, the one who adores you yet has never felt your love. I have loved you all my life, stoutly, devoutly. Yet it was I who never felt a steady hand on my shoulder, a warm kiss on my forehead. Other children felt your love. I didn't. It was always Mother and me. You never came home for supper, you didn't take me to the fair on my birthday, like other children's fathers. I waited for you, I wished for you. You never came.

It took me so many long years to realize what you were trying to do. You let your favorite son die on the cross, I can see him up there, illuminated by the lightning through the windows, the suffering carved into the dark wood. Only the strong are rewarded, isn't that right? I can be strong for you, Father. I am strong for you. That's why I did what I did. Are you proud of me, Father? Say that you are. Oh, how I wish I could lay my head on your knee, feel your hand in my hair. But I can only kneel on these cold tiles, my eyes turned upwards to the bells in adoration. Father, it was the right thing to do. I know it. They were heathens. What was brought upon them was by your will, through my hands. Father, a son should always fulfill his father's will. Only then is he a good son. Those who oppose their father to not deserve his love. Please tell me I am worthy, Father. Please allow me to one day gaze into your face, to feel the love you have for me.

I only did what was right. They chase me, with cars, with men. They want to hurt me. The sirens are everywhere, they're right outside. They disturb our moment together, Father. They say I am evil. I am not evil, Father. I only do what you wish. They say I will suffer in hell. Are they right, Father? Will you send me to hell? I only loved you, Father. All I ever did was love you. Don't you love me back? Will you send me to hell, like your favorite son? He endured. I am strong, but I am not as strong as he is. Don't send me to hell, Father, don't cast me out. I need your light, now more than ever.

I never thought it would be so hard. Getting the gun was easy. I knew where the heathens were, where they besmirched your name day after day, night after night. But, Father, you know I hesitated when I looked into their eyes. I was weak, but only for a moment. I sent them to hell, all of them. I know I was weak, Father, I know I am unworthy, but I overcame my weakness. I did as you wished. Please do not think less of me. Don't cast me out. All my life, all I ever wished for was to be at your side. To be in the presence of you and your favorite son, to feel your loving eyes upon me.

They are pounding on the doors now. They will soon be inside, disturbing your house with their lights and shouts and heathen ways. I must conclude, Father. I ask you for your guidance. I do not deserve your love, but don't forsake me. I can better myself. Please, Father, allow me to prove myself to you. In all those years, every day, I gave myself fully to your judgement. I fulfilled your wishes. Every girl I spoke to, every woman I slept with, they were insignificant compared to you. Not one of them could fill my heart, because in every one of these twenty-one years, I only ever loved you.

Surely you know. You must know it was all for you.