Everyone knows the story of Aladdin. Where Aladdin falls in love with Jasmine, but Jafar wants to marry her and this obviously creates some conflict. That story was written a couple hundred years ago in Agrabah. The true story though, takes place in Washington D.C. in our time. The true story is quite different. Jasmine is the first daughter, and of course if the daughter of the President of the United States. Hopefully, it all depends if her mother cheated on her father and well you get the picture. Anywho Aladdin is some homeless seventeen-year-old boy that has a strange obsession of watermelons; don’t ask you might not want to know. Jafar is the Vice President of the U.S. of A. He is hiding a very nasty secret though. He is a terrorist. A very dangerous terrorist. His master; Osama Bin Laden sent him to America to kill the president. Ohhh scary!! Of course there is also Hilary Clinton, except she isn’t a Clinton anymore. She got divorced after she caught Bill cheating on her with Monica Lewinski’s brother! Hilary has a huge desire to be with Aladdin, the hot young man that wanders her street. Now the story begins…

“Who’s got Big Balls We’ve got big balls!” Jasmine sang away to her favorite song. She loved this song, because she related to it 100 percent. She glanced over at the picture of her mother on her mantle. Her mother left her father a couple of years ago for some unknown reason. Her mother was very pretty. She had long black hair and eyes that were the size of cucumbers. She glanced down at her pet donkey, named Donkey after Donkey from Shrek. She flung Donkey out of the room and started to go through her closet, wondering what she should wear. Finally she found her favorite outfit. A green kilt, striped orange halter top, and a pair of Pink platform shoes. She looked in the mirror. She looked like a princess. All the guys would fall to their knees when they saw her.

Meanwhile in his office the president was looking at his favorite magazine; Seventeen when he spotted a Viagra ad. Hmm he thought, I could use some of that. He looked up and saw his Vice president, Jafar standing in the doorway. “Sir.” Jafar said in his Arabian voice, “You need to get to your interview. By the way I am a terrorist and I will kill you.” The President looked at him. “Really, intriguing!” He set off to his interview. There sat Barbara Walters with a whole camera set. He sat down and the cameras started rolling.

“So how are you doing considering there’s a war with Canada going on right now over saying the word Ehhh?”

“I’m doing just fine thank you, Barbara. We need to win this war, because we can’t have crazy Canadians coming into this great country and saying the word ehhh. Nothing could be worse than that. I wouldn’t be surprised if this turned into World War three. We shall get rid of these Canadian’s once and for all!!” The president announced.

“So how is the White House holding up?”

“Your mom is holding up.”

“Excuse me? Never mind, next question has there been any threat of terrorism yet?”

“Nope, this whole country is terrorist free.” The president replied. Jafar was holding up a sign behind Barbara that said, I am a terrorist! The interview went on and on, until finally Barbara left. Jasmine came walking down the stairs in a great looking outfit. Jafar started drooling at the sight of her. Jasmine was used to that, she knew that he only wanted to get into her pants. “You look like a gorgeous hippo.” He remarked. Jasmine was baffled and turned to her father. “Father I am going to take a walk.” Her father just grunted, then suddenly said, “Oh yeah, by the way you have to get married in three days.” Jasmine saw no problem in this said, “Okay see you tonight!” As she was walking out the door she ran straight into Michael Jackson. He looked at her and asked, “Do you have any little boys that I can molest?” She replied sadly, “No, but I have Jafar in there he’ll be happy to see you.” She left.

The president and Jafar were standing in the Great hall talking about Yellow Boxcars when he saw Michael Jackson appear. “Hi, I’m Michael Jackson.” He stated. “I love to molest little boys and then um, that’s it. Hey Jafar do you want to look at porn with me?” Jafar thrilled said yes and followed Michael Jackson out the door to head of the Netherland. His pet Chicken Iago followed him.

Jasmine was walking down beautiful street when she spotted an extremely hot dude on the corner of the street. He looked homeless, but she didn’t care, he was hot. She walked up to him. “Hey, I’m Jasmine.” She said. The boy looked at her questionably. “I’m Aladdin.” He answered. “What’s with your clothes, eh?” “Oh my gosh!” Jasmine shrieked. “You’re Canadian!” Aladdin answered, “No, I am homeless.” “Well I can see that. Look at your sense of fashion.” Just then Hilary Clinton walked down the street. She was wearing an extremely short skirt and a tank top that went up to her belly button. “Hey, sexy.” She said to Aladdin. Aladdin having no idea who she was, was taken aback. “Want to go to South Carolina with me? I have my own Puddle house surrounded by kitty litter there.” Aladdin shook his head and Hilary went crying down the street. “That was totally random.” Aladdin stated. Jasmine nodded. She was really attracted to this guy. He was so honest and sweet. She thought about what her father had told her about her getting married in three days. Maybe Aladdin could be her groom. “Hey.” She said nervously. “Want to go to McDonalds with me.” Aladdin nodded. “It’ll be so romantic.” He said. “Maybe we would split a baby cone.” AWWW!

At McDonalds the cashier was Paris Hilton. They ordered two big macs and a mini cone to share. “That’s hot.” Paris stated, “and so are you.” She said to Aladdin. Jasmine couldn’t believe that it was actually Paris Hilton. “Hey, why did you dump, Nicole?” Jasmine asked her. “That’s hot.” She answered. Jasmine rolled her eyes, well this was the most interesting conversation she had ever had. Finally after a few hours they got their food. They were sharing their baby cone and Aladdin asked, “So what’s your favorite flavor?” Jasmine simply replied, “Your mom.” Aladdin kind of shocked answered, “Mine too! Wow, that was totally random!” Then without warning, Jasmine pulled a green highlighter out of her purse and marked his hand with it. Okay so this Jasmine chick was mentally insane. But for some odd reason Aladdin was in love with her.

WAIT! That is how the story is supposed to go, but like I said this story is very different from the original. SO, back to the story and ignore the fact that I just said, that Aladdin loved Jasmine.

Aladdin was completely sure that Jasmine was clinically insane, so after lunch he took her on D.R. Phil. “Hi, I’m Dr. Phil.” Aladdin rolled his eyes. Of course he was D.R. Phil, why would the show be called D.R. Phil, if the host wasn’t D.R. Phil? People were so stupid sometimes. “So today on the show we have the first daughter, Jasmine!” Come on out. Jasmine walked out in a blue halter top dress. She smiled and waved at the crowd as they cheered her on. When she finally sat down, Dr. Phil asked her, “So what’s your problem. I will fix it.” “You’re my problem.” Shocked at this reply, Dr. Phil didn’t say anything. “So you said that you would help me. So go kill yourself.” There was a long silence and then suddenly Jasmine broke out laughing. “I’m just joking!! So my problem is…Wild Fruit!” There was a silence then Aladdin burst out loudly, “I GET IT!” Dr. Phil started looking around nervously around his set. Why did he agree to put the first daughter on his show? She was insane, but extremely hot, he thought. His mind wandered off into some stuff that I’m not sure is appropriate. He looked nervously at his wife, Robin but she was too busy looking at Aladdin. Wait? His wife checking out another man besides him? How could she? He was the hottest guy in the universe. Last year he almost won the sexiest man alive award, but sadly lost to Jack Nicholson. Before he new what he was doing, he stormed up to his wife. Unaware that the cameras were following him. What’s that idiot doing, Aladdin wondering. Sure he was aware that his wife was checking him out, but what was wrong with that? “Robin, I’m divorcing you!” Dr. Phil shrieked. Robin fell backwards, fainting. “Get her out of here!” He told some of his techies. They dragged her off the set. Dr. Phil made his way back down to Jasmine who was sitting in her chair looking at the ceiling, counting all the cracks. “That is how you get rid of a wife!” Dr. Phil told the audience, when no one clapped like they were supposed to, Dr. Phil stood up and said, “If you don’t clap right now at my grand achievement I will send you all to an insane asylum and there they will torture you until you are insane, and then you’ll have to stay there for all eternity!” Nervously the audience started clapping. Dr. Phil walked over to his seat and sat down. “So back to the subject, Jasmine why are you here?” “5763085.073!” Jasmine said excitedly. Dr. Phil looked at her quizzically. Aladdin wasn’t shocked by Jasmine’s randomness, she was crazy and this just proved her to be more crazy. “Wrong, that is not why you’re here.” Dr. Phil told her and knelt down in front of her. “You’re here so I can ask you to marry me!” Aladdin watched shocked. Was Dr. Phil insane too? Who in their right mind would want to marry her? Jasmine seemed unwavered by this idea. “Jasmine will you marry me?” Dr. Phil asked. Jasmine just laughed lightly. “No.” She said. At that moment Dr. Phil started bawling. After about 2 hours of his crying he ran off stage. Jasmine just shrugged and made her way to Aladdin. “That was fun.” She said happily. Aladdin looked at her. “It was fun being proposed to by a crazy guy who thinks that he can make everyone uncrazy who just divorced his wife not two seconds ago because she was looking at me all on national television?” Aladdin asked questionably. Jasmine nodded. “So what now?” She asked excitedly. Aladdin had the perfect plan…

He dragged Jasmine over to a store right next to the Dr. Phil studio, called Stuff We’re Not Supposed To Sell, but We Are Anyways So Buy Our Illegal Things! This was probably his favorite store in the entire cosmos, because it always came in handy. He went up to cashier who looked oddly like…MEL GIBSON! Aladdin’s eyes went wide and he went galloping out of the store as fast as he could for he was a Jew. He just hoped Mel Gibson hadn’t seen him and wasn’t drunk again. Jasmine came out a few minutes later wearing something red, white and black on her arm. “Look what I bought.” Aladdin looked down at the schwastika as it burned his eyes like burnt toast. Jasmine looked at Aladdin worriedly as he started to shake and waver while funny noises emitted form his mouth. He soon fell to the floor and twitched madly. She started laughing at the funny sight. “Ohh you’re drunk!” She said. This would be a fun guessing game, just like charades!! “You’re on a caffeine high! No you’re…transforming into a giant beetle!” Hmmm why couldn’t she guess this she was usually good at charades. “Ha Ha you look like you’re having a seizure.” She paused. “OMJC You’re having a seizure!” She pulled out her Hello Kitty Candy Phone and dialed 911. No one was answering. There wasn’t even a dial tone. What was wrong with her phone? Maybe she needed a new network, she always thought there was something fishy about AT&T. Maybe she should get Verizon Wireless, but that would get kind of annoying with people following her everywhere. She then looked down and realized that it was a Hello Kitty Candy Phone. How stupid of her. But she should seriously think about getting her wireless network changed.

She pulled out her real high tech cell pone that had texting and everything, though Jasmine had no idea how to do so, for she didn’t know the ABCs who actually knew that? She dialed 911 yet again. A person answered it. “911 how may I help you?”

“Help me? Who said I needed help? Jeez there is nothing wrong with me, you should probably check out DR Phil though, I think he needs help, oh yeah and so does Paris Hilton she says the same thing all the time, like CRAZY!”

“Mam, Is there an emergency?”

“Oh yeah.” She had completely forgotten about Aladdin who was still twitching on the ground. “The love of my life just turned into a twitching cockroach.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah, he’s like having a seizure I don’t know, but I figured I should call you guys just in case it was serious or something.” Jasmine looked over in a store window and saw her favorite long lasting gum. “OMG no way I thought it was gone!”

“What was gone?”

“The love of my life!”

“He’s dying, I’ll send an ambulance over right away.”

“No, it was dead it like disappeared and now it’s back. I’m so happy!” Jasmine did a little jig.

“Wait? He was dead and then came back to life?”

“Yeah it’s like that one god person, what’s his name…Jesus!”

“Jesus? You’re with Jesus. Hold on I’ll be right there.” The phone went dead. How rude, Jasmine thought as she shoved the phone back into her diaper bag. She was just going to say how long lasting this gum was. She looked back at Aladdin who stopped twitching. Oh thank God that was getting annoying. Soon thousands of cars pulled up in a circle around her. They all came out with microphones and cameras. Oh no, they were going to kill her, they had her trapped.

“I surrender!” She shouted and sprung her hands up in the air.

“Where is Jesus?” One lady asked. Wow, what on earth was this woman wearing? Jasmine quickly pulled out her cell phone again. 911.

“911, what is the emergency?”

“Are you the fashion police? “

“No? Is this a prank call, goodbye.” Jeesh. They talked to her when someone was having a seizure, but they wouldn’t talk to her when there was a real emergency, the woman was wearing brown sandals with black pants for god’s sake. These people needed to set their priorities straight.

“Ma’m, where is Jesus?” The same woman asked again. Jasmine shrugged. And pointed at Aladdin in shock as he stared to open his eyes. “Oh my gosh!” The woman shrieked. “Good Evening this is channel 6 news, I’m Sandra Brown and standing behind me is Jesus.” Jesus, where? Jasmine looked around excitedly. This woman was crazy she didn’t see him. She knelt down next to Aladdin.

“Ambulance.” Aladdin coughed.

“One’s coming I think.”

‘You think?”

“Yeah I don’t know.” Aladdin couldn’t believe his ears! She thought? He was dying and she thought an ambulance was going to come but wasn’t sure. He hated her, hated her with more passion than passion itself. Once he could move he was going to kill her with his bare hands! Sure enough he heard sirens and then his eyes went black.

Aladdin woke up groggily at the sound of beeping things. All around him were crazy machines with insane lights and the noises were talking over his ears. He screamed in agony although he was not agonized really. He looked around him and saw no one there. Suddenly a man nurse came in. He looked like a complete nerd, with black hair and glasses. “Hey were you on Beauty and the Geek?” Aladdin asked. The man-nurse looked offended.

“No! How dare you insult me. You must recognize me from my awesome talent.”

“Talent in what?”

“Uh writing the most beloved fantasy trilogy of all time.”

“You’re TOLKEIN!” Aladdin suddenly jumped out of his bed all of the needles sticking into him fell off, but he didn’t care, he was meeting his icon! Of course Aladdin was very ignorant in this, for everyone knows that Tolkein passed on a long time ago, but I never said Aladdin was smart at all. The man-nurse looked insulted again.

“No I am PAOLINI! The Almighty powerful. I created an entire story of good and evil from my own mind, completely original.” He eyes moved shiftily. This guy looks suspicious, Aladdin. Aladdin decided that he must do the right thing, this man was a criminal. He picked up his phone and called 911. Paolini looked at him frightened.

“911 how may we help you?”

“There’s a psychopathic freak, he’s committed some crime, come quick.” Paolini made a run for it, but the door was blocked by the police, who had come VERY quickly, seized Paolini and dragged him away. Aladdin satisfied with himself that he had saved the world from a very evil man sat back down on his hospital bed. He soon hopped up again remembering what had happened to him earlier that day. Jasmine, she must pay for what she did to him.

He grabbed the phone again, and dialed the number of his dear friend. “Hello, Mr. Wayne. Yes, I need you to save your city of a great danger.”

“Of course, Aladdin. Where are you?”

“In the hospital.”

“What happened”-

“No time to explain. Listen we need to get rid of a girl named Jasmine, the first daughter. She could ruin this world.”

“What does this have to do with my city?”

“Nothing, but she might come to Gothom City any moment.” Aladdin lied, thanking Buddha that he was not Pinocchio. “Can you come pick me up at the hospital?”

“Sure, see you in a few.” Aladdin hung up the phone. He sure was no, Robin, but that did not mean he could not arid his friend.

Aladdin magically found a tight latex uniform under his hospital gown. An A was sewn across the chest, and the leggings were a little tight and disturbing, but what the hell he looked cool. Suddenly from outside his window he heard a roar on the street. He looked down and there was his pal in his kick ass car of his. He opened up the window and fell.

Whee! He magically landed right on the car without breaking anything, and his friend opened the car door and let him inside. “Listen I really appreciate this.”

“Anytime you need something, Aladdin, just call on me, Batman.” The drove off into the sun (how romantic, except not).

In a few minutes they stumbled into Jasmine who was sitting on the curb of the road looking tearfully down at her Hello Kitty cell phone. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a blow pop, watermelon, that best kind. She looked positively emo. “Wait, this is the girl that is going to ruin the world?” Batman asked surprised.

“Yes, can’t you see the malice in her eyes? Now destroy her!” Aladdin screamed with rage.

“I can’t do that. She’s no threat at all.” Out of no where Jafar showed up next to Jasmine, with a smirk on his face. Jasmine involuntary threw up. Aladdin opened up his window to hear their conversation.

“Hey baby, what are you doing?”

“Getting away from you.” She snapped.

“Oh that’s so sweet.” Jafar said and put an arm around Jasmine. Aladdin suddenly felt a strong feeling of rage in his stomach. He wanted to go up to Jafar at hat moment and pull out a machete and slice his ugly head off of his fat neck. “By the way tell your father that the terrorists are coming.

“Don’t touch me.” Jasmine said, and scooted away.

“Okay.” He put his arm around her again. Aladdin not knowing what he was doing got out of the car.

“What are you doing?” Batman called after him. Aladdin ignored him and walked up to Jafar. He didn’t look at Jasmine.

“I’ll bust a cap in your ass.” Aladdin said full of wrath. Jafar didn’t look remotely frightened.

“Oh yeah, do it.” Jafar said.

“Get away from Jasmine.”

“Right because you’re going to bust a cap.” Aladdin nodded. Suddenly Batman got out of his vehicle. Jafar saw him and his jaw dropped.

“Hello, Jafar. I am Batman.” He held out his hand, and Jafar shook it. Batman though, with his almightily strength, grabbed Jafar and threw him into the air. Jafar went up, up, up, up and went straight through the earth’s atmosphere. This means that he was burst into oblivion.

“Thanks man.” Aladdin pounded fists with Batman.

“No problemo.” Batman looked over at Jasmine and Aladdin followed suit. Jasmine was looking at Aladdin with pure love in her eyes, and Aladdin found himself looking the same way back. “Hey wanna borrow my car?” Batman asked.

“Sure.” Aladdin said. He walked up to Jasmine and took her hand. “Hey wanna go for a ride?”

“OMG yes!” Jasmine said excitedly.

They got into the Batmobile and went on a magic Batmobile ride. Everything and everyone lived happily ever after. Now that’s the real story of Aladdin. And it’s no guaranty that Aladdin and Jasmine are ever going to last for more than a few days, but hey one can hope so, right?