Drama, loathing, lusting, anger, misunderstandings, pain and suffering...

What am I talking about, you ask? Mostly about things I didn’t even realize.

Lindsay, a person I hold dearly as a friend, has been let down by me due to my own inattentiveness. I thought all was relatively well, and I thought that when she brought up the topic of our group of friends she was perky and interested in debate like I almost always am. I was WRONG.

She was reaching out to people, pleading with them, asking for help and support, and I didn’t see it. Instead I snubbed her, just like so many in the group. Why am I blind? A flaw! A flaw that I don’t know how to combat.

Some people tell me that my biggest flaw is that I’m too opinionative, and I disagree. I live that about myself, I just wish I would carry it better rather than being painful to others in favor of supporting my own views. No, my worst flaw is my carelessness. I can see things happening, I can get told about them in detail, and somehow they never sink in and become that serious.

The story winds back to the day I first introduced Maygen and Lindsay. The good times.

Lindsay had a group of friends. She had a circle, and had become popular. I hadn’t had much time for the group, although I liked it very much, so I wasn’t an ‘official member’ yet. By the time I was paying attention the group was rather extensive. Tessa, Clarissa, Hector, Robert, Trevor, Veronica, Bill, Caroline and her brother Ezekiel, Lindsay, May and myself.

This is what started happening in my eyes:

Tessa and Hector, Veronica and Bill. They were couples in the group. Only two of them, that I remember, but it was enough to anger me. Don’t get me wrong, I think being in a couple is fine, so long as you’re willing to separate yourselves for the duration of the party, gosh darn it! They, apparently, weren’t willing. This annoyed me enough that I complained to them, and to Lindsay, not knowing what else to do. I admired her for standing strong about that, and not giving in to doing that with her boyfriend, though I’m not sure if she heard me comment on that. It was sad to do what I did, which was only to hang out with the group sporadically, but I did it, because I couldn’t handle being mad at the people in the group any more.

That’s not what Lindsay saw, though. What happened in her eyes was different:

Her small, perfect little group of four was flourishing. She was getting new people, and her group was only becoming more perfect, she couldn’t have been happier. May and I were semi in the group, and other people were certainly in. Stress ensued, She and Tessa tried to plan things together only to discover that they weren’t compatible for that, and eventually Lindsay forced herself to step down and allow the role of organizer to be held solely by Tessa. I admire her for that, and I thing it was a very brave and noble thing to do, because I know she did it begrudgingly, but I think it helped ease the strain on her and Tessa’s friendship. Tessa had to give the organization back, though, for various reasons.

The worst things that I see now, but didn’t then, were friendships slipping. I know not how it began, or even continued, but poor Lindsay was becoming no one’s ‘friend’. All those people she had trusted dearly – Clarissa and Robert, mainly – were drifting. I think they probably got too comfortable with her, or took her for granted. I don’t know what happened, and I don’t claim to, but anyone who tosses away Lindsay as a friend is not only hurting themselves and her, but is also making an amazingly unwise decision, because Lindsay is a wonderful person.

People began to complain about the couples taking over – Or, so I was told. Perhaps she just thought the couples were taking over, as well as Tessa, and only I complained, I don’t know. She tried, and I know she did all she could think of doing, to cease this behavior while it was still budding, but there was little anyone could do. I certainly couldn’t think of anything useful, and when I debated with Lindsay, trying to help her think aloud so that we could come up with something brilliant, she was only getting hurt by my words because she didn’t understand that’s what I was doing, and I didn’t understand that she thought I was blaming her. Her! Blame her? I don’t she how in any way, shape or form it could have been her fault that people started ignoring their friends. I’m sure she felt blamed by others, and whether or not they really did blame her, I feel for her. I didn’t understand that’s what she was hearing, and I didn’t even stop to think that she could have been hurt by my words. Once again, it was carelessness on my part. I’ve had fights with Lindsay, but so much of the time they start with my own stupidity, and end with me realizing that, but Lindsay never gets the apology she deserves for that, because I have no idea how to begin offering it to someone who won’t admit I hurt them.

I cried today. I learned what happened with the group, and I cried. I’ll admit it here, even though I don’t think I could anywhere else. I’m far too enclosed for that.

Now the group has all but dissolved. The only thing I see that was good for mending our spirits was the trip we took to Hidden Lake, and that only helped for a few of the members.

So, there you have it. What I saw, what she saw. I’m so oblivious some times, and I really wish I weren’t. On the topic of wishing, I wish there was something I could do for her. I wish that Lindsay would let me in enough to help, but at the same time I think I would run if she did. I think I would freeze and panic if she let me in enough to help, because I think I would fear messing it up. The last thing that girl needs is more people messing her up, because she deserves better. At least one person stood by her. At least she had Tessa with her the whole time. I’m thankful for that. It may have driven both of them farther away from me, but because of that display of idiocy I think I deserve it.

“Hey, wanna go play Halo?”

I turned around, breaking out of writing in my journal and spiraling into depression to see George standing in the doorway. I silently thanked whatever greater power there may be that I wasn’t crying as I composed that.

“Yeah, sure. Sounds good,” I say. It’s Thursday. That means it’s swim night, and I have a whole slew of people around me, thought I’m depressed, so I tried to get away, but they found me. “Who else is playing?” I asked.

“Me, Dippy and Vlen,” he said. Vlen is short for Devlin, Serendipity’s boyfriend. They’re cute together, but G and Vlen are complete jerks when they’re in the same room together, so I was a little repulsed by the idea. Nevertheless...

“All right, cool. I’ll play a couple rounds.”

The coupled rounds found be completely sucking at Halo, like I always do, but I had fun. They also ran late enough that Dippy and Vlen went home, one after another, leaving me and G to entertain ourselves.

“Wanna play makes-no-sense game?” I ask G. He laughs.

“Sure, I’d be up for some Digimon world 4,” he says, not missing a beat. It’s not that we like Digimon at all, it’s that it’s a four player co-op game that Deacon gave us, so we need to beat it. We load it up, and invite Lilly to play too. That makes everything take five times as long, but we were prepared for that, because Lilly is so not a gamer.

We-el... It was while Lill was selling her massive quantities of items that it happened. I don’t know what to think, really. I was laying down, G was laying next to me on the couch, and Lill was sitting up by out feet. I took my hand off the controller for a moment and put it by my side, which happened to be on G’s chest, and... He put his hand in mine. It was warm, and I remember wondering why it made me feel like my blood was flowing faster. I didn’t pull away, I just stayed there, carefully managing my breath so that it didn’t sound as sporadic as it was threatening to be. The warmth in G’s hand was light tiny bolts of lightning, shocking my own hand and making me feel like I was going to catch on fire, and I didn’t want to pull away.

At the same time as being relived that Lilly was done selling things so that I could take my hand back, I was disappointed, because while it was a strange sensation, it was an incredible one. I put my hand there again and again whenever we had a long break, but I didn’t get his hand to be placed in mine again.

It was early the next morning that I had an entirely unrelated panic attack. Money. My parents had a family meeting to talk about money the night before. My mom was working for minimum wage, my dad was almost bringing in enough to cover the family, and my other dad was unemployed. We were spending more than we were making. It wasn’t urgent, they said, but it was a concern.

Instead of my older siblings reacting in panic, I freaked. I couldn’t sleep well, and was haunted by nightmares that I can’t remember. When I woke my throat was dry, and I couldn’t breathe. I walked out into the kitchen to get a drink, only to find it was nearly noon... On Friday. The group outing was today! I had to hurry, I had to rush to get out the door and onto a bus. I quickly scribbled a note and stuck it on the fridge to indicate that I was gone to Lloyd center and I had borrowed mom’s cell if they needed to reach me.

They wouldn’t see it before I got back, of course, but at least this way I had some plausible deniability.

I speed walked to the transit center. I was going to miss the bus, like I always do, but I always plan for it, so I wasn’t going to be all that late. And who do I see at the stop?

“Why hello there, stranger. I didn’t realized we would get on at the same stop.”

“Hello, Damien,” I replied with a sly smile.

“I thought you were going to dress up for me,” he said, looking at my clothes. A t-shirt and jeans.

“Yeah, I thought so too, but I only woke up ten minutes ago, so tough luck,” I said. This sort of thing was unusual for me. Yes, I usually miss my first bus, but I almost always have my plans in order enough to not oversleep.

“Ten minutes? Well, I’ll have to buy you breakfast, then. You won’t have had time to eat a good one yourself,” said Damien kindly. He smiled warmly, and I couldn’t help but smile back. ‘I don’t think I missed the bus’ is all that I could think. Thank goodness I didn’t say it out loud, though, because at that moment both Damien and I turned to look at the bus. It was pulling away...

I guess Murphy had to get us somehow, what with my joking about him when we met.