I was nervous.

Scratch that.

I was fucking nervous. My palms were sweaty and my heart raced. My throat kept getting dry and I had to get up and pace. I had never done something like this before and nervousness was definitely taking a toll on me. I sat back down on a chair and tuned my guitar once more. The sound was perfect but I had to do something to occupy my time as I waited. The voices of encouragement from my friends made me feel good, but that feeling plummeted when he gave me good luck too. He didn’t know what I was about to do, nobody did and that’s what made the feeling even worse. I heard the crowd applause as, if possible, my heart beat faster and louder. I wiped my palms on my jean pants and, holding the neck of my guitar, stood.

I licked my lips as I waited for my name to be called. Cheers filled the auditorium as I stood there. I couldn’t move. Fear literally had me in its grip. I felt a tiny shove and I could feel my feet pulling me towards the stage. ‘Go back!’ I screamed at myself. ‘Don’t do this! You’ll only embarrass yourself!’ I didn’t listen as I continued walking. Soon I found myself blinking rapidly to get the bright light out of my eyes. I could feel everyone eye on me as I walked towards the stool that was sitting in front of the microphone. Pulling my guitar into my lap I adjusted the microphone so my voice could pick up.

“Um…Hi. I guess I’m going to play a song for you guys. It’s called Over and Over and it’s by my favorite band Three Days Grace. Before I start, I want you all to know that it’s dedicated to someone special to me.”

I didn’t say anything other than that. Hopefully everyone would know who I was talking about. Using my guitar pick I hesitantly played a couple of chords to get myself ready. I looked out at the audience and saw all of my friends and my family sitting in the front row smiling at me. I grinned shyly before playing softly. I took deep breathes to calm my racing heart and started singing in a shaky voice.

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

I looked into the audience once more to look at my friends’ faces. They were all filled with confusion; some with recognition. They didn’t know why I was singing this song or that it had a purpose. I ignored them and kept going.

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

I looked into the audience again and got a strange feeling in me. I could tell that the only important person I cared about was watching and listening intently. A smile crossed my face as I realized that there was no turning back now. I closed my eyes and sang in a stronger voice as I sang a little bit louder.

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

This song made me ask questions to myself. Why was I singing this song in the first place? I could always pick a different one. Was I trying to make a point? Was I trying to voice the feelings that were brewing inside me? Was I trying to just let all my emotions out. The sad thing was, I couldn’t even tell what I was doing, why I was doing this. It just felt right to me. I knew I had to keep going. I had to finish. I had to get my point across.

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

A new wave of feelings washed over me, but this time it was of sadness. Everything was changing, everyone. My best friends were either switching schools or moving out of the state all together. I knew we would try to still be friends, but long distance friendships don’t last that long, from what I have experienced. I didn’t want to let my friends go, but I knew I had to. One day I would, I mean, graduation would make me leave them all one day. But why did it have to be this soon. I pushed every thought out of my head and sang with every emotion I had as I continued to play.

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

I could hear applause from how well I held out the word time. It was a high note and I don’t do well with high notes, but I nailed this one. I smiled at the feat I accomplished and finished the song strong.

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

I sighed at the relief when it was over. As I stood and bowed I saw everyone climb to their feet as they whistled and applauded. I guess it was because I sang so well and it was full of emotion. The song was filled with the emotion that I had kept bottled inside for a couple of months. I bowed once more and walked across the stage, my head held high.

I made it backstage before I collapsed into my chair, tears streaming down my face. I didn’t know why I was crying, but it felt good. I quickly wiped away my tears when I saw my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters, and my friends walking towards me. I accepted “Congratulations” and “Good job” as they hugged me. I forced a smile and hugged them back. My parents told me to meet them by the car after I had gotten all of my stuff.

I sighed heavily as I put my blue acoustic guitar into it’s case and started to zip it up. I heard footsteps behind me, but ignored it. I placed my guitar books and my guitar pick in the front pocket. Then I lifted the case, put the straps around my shoulders, and turned around.

“Was that song dedicated to me?” He asked as he stared at me intently.

“H-huh?” I stuttered as I took a step back and accidentally dropped my guitar.

“That song…was it about me?” He asked as he shoved his hands into his pockets and shifted from foot to foot.

“I…It wasn’t about you exactly,” I finally got out.

“But it was about your crush on me, right?”

“I…don’t know…”

“I think you do.” I lowered my head so he wouldn’t see the tears that were coming out of the corners of my eyes. He was torturing me and all I wanted to do was leave. He lifted my chin with his palm and smiled at me a little. “I know things between us didn’t go the way you hoped. I’m sorry, but I don’t like you that way. You’re more like a sister to me.”

“I know,” I whispered as I wiped away my tears.

“I’m just going to a new school next year. I’m not moving. I’ll visit you all the time, cross country races, dances, things like that. It’ll be like I never left.”

“But things will never be the same.”

“No, it won’t. But things could be better. Who knows, as I’m gone, I may realize that I actually lke you the way you like me. You never know what can happen.”

I just nodded as I stared at him. He turned his head when he heard his parents calling to him. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. A smile crossed his face as he held out his arms. I stepped into them and gave him a hug, not wanting to let go. I took a while for us to both let go, I guess we both didn’t want things to change.

“I’m sorry, I have to go now,” he said in a sad voice. “I promise I’ll keep in touch.”

“That’s better than nothing,” I said with a sigh. He waved goodbye as he ran to catch up with his parents. I waved back and stood there for a couple of minutes before my dad came up and hugged me.

“Will I ever be ok, dad?” I asked hesitantly.

“The first person you ever loved is leaving. You’ll experience this many times. You’ll get over it.”

“Do you promise?” I asked as I rested my head on his arm.

“I promise,” he responded as he gave me a squeeze. I let a smile cross my face.

I knew he would keep that promise.