The Name of Understanding

I hate this place. This campus, these buildings, these classrooms, this dorm, this furniture…every last bit. I wake up every morning and look around me and I want to seep inside the walls and never see any of it ever again. There is nothing here for me.

Except for the trees.

It’s the reason we ultimately chose to come to this place. There are so many trees. They’re massive, towering, stretching their huge gnarled branches up into the soft azure sky, leaves the size of my palm gently waving in the summer breeze…it’s perfect. More than once we’ve skipped class, camera in hand, and ascended their embracing branches, only to take dozens and dozens of pictures of things I’ve already seen, day after day after day.

But I can’t get enough.

--

James sat quietly in his seat, eyes absently following the second hand on the clock conveniently placed on the wall just above his professor’s head. He lounged in his seat at the back of the room, his ankle resting on the opposite knee, his foot twitching irresistibly as the professor’s words turned into radioactive slop in his head.

“Can anyone tell me in what period the Mongols staged invasions against Japan? Anyone? Anyone?”

“Kamakura. Duh.”

Heads turned to look at James, who was suddenly paying attention. The professor’s eyes narrowed.

“Correct, but a more respectful tone would be appreciated,” The professor said, trying unsuccessfully to hide the undertone of annoyance in his voice.

James snorted, and then his eyes glazed over a second time. Snickers echoed through the room, and the professor continued his droning.

James let his gaze wander somewhere besides the clock above the professor’s head. His eyes fell on a girl sitting a row over and down from him. She was hunched over her notebook, pen racing furiously across the page in a flurry of note-taking. She was, overall, an unremarkable girl—thin and fragile looking, with a soft complexion and a face that looked like it belonged to someone who had been through far too much. Maybe…

As if she could sense his gaze, she abruptly stopped writing and looked up at him. He stared back at her for a moment, his mind a sudden blank as their eyes bored into one another’s. Then, just as quickly as she had stopped writing, his mind flooded.

Who the hell does she think she is? I don’t want to be looking at her, and I don’t want her to look at me. Go to hell, you goddamn bitch. Die.

James blinked as if coming out of a daze before apathetically turning back to watch the clock. The girl’s face contorted in confusion, then slowly turned back to her notes.

--

I wish I knew how to communicate with people. This keyboard feels like the only connection I have to the world. Through it, I can speak to people all over the world, be whoever I want to be, whenever I want to be…

But I don’t know how to communicate.

--

James settled into the tree nearest to his dorm building, his laptop balanced against his knees. Those who did know James said that the computer was an extension of him—if he didn’t have the laptop, he had his camera. They were all he had to define himself with.

He opened up the computer and effortlessly hacked into the faculty wireless network. The network was quicker due to less traffic, and he just liked hacking into “forbidden” networks, though he was rapidly getting bored with the campus’s weak network security.

He logged on to one of dozens of forums he was subscribed to and scrolled down to check his private messages. He arched an eyebrow at the number “54” next to his inbox.

“That many?” He mumbled. “That’s unusual.”

He browsed through the emails, frowning at the dozens of irate messages.

“Who the hell do you think you are—”

“That’s not fair of you to—”

“How could you say such a thing—”

“Go to hell, you piece of—”

“Damn,” James sighed. “I thought we were done with this.”

He paused as his gaze scanned over a message that, surprisingly, was not attempting to rip apart his ego.

“Hi…this is going to seem strange coming from a total stranger on the internet, but I just wanted to know if you were doing okay…I read your comments all the time, and, I don’t know, you just seem…off once in awhile. And it’s been making me worry. I can’t help myself. Feel free to ignore this if it’s too weird, I’m okay with that. I just wanted you to know that somebody is thinking about you, even if you don’t know them. Thanks.”

James gaped for a moment, his mind blank for a moment before exploding into a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions. His eyes read the username over and over—EmBert17.

Finally, a smile broke across his normally expressionless face, and rushed to type a response before he could even think about it.

It had been awhile since someone had asked how he felt.

--

Emily groaned a protest as her roommate violently opened the shades and ripped the blanket away from her sleepy grasp.

“Get up. It’s a gorgeous day outside, and it’s like a tomb in here. Honestly.”

“Michelle…” Emily whined, groping for her blanket. “I was sleeping. Close the shade back up.”

“No. I’m sick of writing this essay in the dark,” Michelle said pointedly. “Also, I had to mute the sound on your laptop. It kept beeping at me, and it was driving me nuts.”

Emily raised an eyebrow. She forced herself to get up and went over to open her laptop, both eyebrows shooting up at the alert of 23 new emails since she’d been on the computer an hour ago. Her surprise increased when she saw they were all messages from JaggedEdge123, the guy she’d emailed about his forum posts.

A soft smile formed on her lips as she read his heartfelt messages, expressing gratitude for her concern and telling about himself, in addition to asking about her.

“I’m glad I messaged him,” Emily thought to herself. “It sounds like he needed a friend.”

Feeling very proud of herself for having the courage to contact someone out of the blue like that, she began to type back to the mysterious JaggedEdge123.

“Good to hear from you again...!”

--

I am not a part of myself.

My body and mind are two separate entities…I can move around, go to class, learn, work on my computer, take pictures, but I do not control these actions. I am sitting outside, watching, pondering my every move and wondering…

Why?

James slowly slid into his seat at the back of the classroom, opening his laptop and browsing mindlessly as he waited for class to begin. He ignored the ill-disguised whispers from two girls sitting in front of him, and instead considered finding out their names and changing their grades when he next hacked into the school’s server.

“Emily, you should be more careful with people on the internet. You never know who the hell you’re talking to.”

“Michelle, you worry too much. I’ve been surfing the net since I was thirteen. I’m not a moron.”

James rolled his eyes as the two girls passed behind him on their way to sit down. He highly doubted that either of the girls knew anything about the internet or computers.

“…I’d been watching this guy on the Geek-a-thon forum for months. He’s intriguing. Trust me, you’d be talking to him too.”

James’ attention snapped back to their conversation. Geek-a-thon was the forum he was the most active on, and the one he got flamed on the most.

It was the forum where he’d met EmBert17 three weeks earlier.

“I still think he sounds way too stalker-ish for my tastes. 23 emails as an initial response? That’s a little suspicious, if you ask me.”

The other girl laughed and shook her head, as if she were explaining something to a small child. “I give up, Michelle. But whether you believe me or not, Jagged and I have a real connection—“

James’ chair clattered to the floor loudly as he leapt to his feet, eyes wide in shock. It was her. EmBert17 was the soft spoken girl who sat a row over and down from him. She went to this school. She was in this room with him, here, now.

Who does she think she is—?

It’s her, it’s her, it’s her—

She knows me, God, she knows me—

How dare you even try to understand me, you—

I can’t believe it! It’s her—

There’s no way I can talk to her now—

DIE—

“WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!”

James screamed, scooped up his laptop, and ran. He very nearly missed his professor as he sprinted out of the room and down the hall, but he did not slow. He was gone before anyone could react.

A strange, uneasy silence hung in the air as all eyes stood fixed to the chair overturned on the floor.

--

Emily sat alone in the student union, absentmindedly munching on a bag of potato chips as she stared into the distance, her laptop forgotten in her dorm room. She didn’t even like potato chips, but she hardly even tasted them. Her mind was still fixed on the explosion of emotion she’d seen on her classmate’s face.

“I don’t even know what his name is…”

She looked up at the sound of a tray being set on her table and a chair being dragged backwards. Her mouth fell open as she looked up to meet the eyes of the boy who had screamed and ran out of her class earlier that day.

“I—what—you—“

“You’re EmBert17. Right?”

Emily gaped at him. How did he know her forum name? She never posted any personal information. She’d never even said what state she lived in.

“Um…yes. How did you—“

“I’m JaggedEdge123.”

Her mouth fell open further, and her eyes widened in disbelief. He stared back, his expressionless eyes boring into hers.

“Seriously?” Emily finally managed to choke out. “I mean…wow. I’m sorry, I guess I’m a little shocked.”

The boy remained expressionless.

Emily smiled awkwardly and gave a little nervous laugh. “So, um…hi. I’m Emily. Emily Roberts. It’s where I get my forum name from…y’know…’Em’ from ‘Emily’ and ‘Bert’ from ‘Roberts’. It’s not very creative, I know, but it’s easy to remember, and it’s got—“

“I like it.”

Emily looked back at him and saw that he was smiling. A huge wave of relief swept over her, and she smiled back warmly.

“Thanks. So…what’s your name?”

“Jason. Jason Gluck…”

--

James shifted uneasily from his place under the oak tree outside his dorm. So, he knew the girl in his history class was EmBert17. That was all. He didn’t know her real name, or really anything much about her besides what she’d said over email, which wasn’t much. She was very careful about revealing too much about herself online.

So, what was he to do with this information? Should he tell her he knew who she was, or not? He was reluctant to do the former. He didn’t have a good track record when it came to interpersonal relationships. Few could handle his disconcerting personality for very long. At least online, he could really think about what he was saying before he said it. Granted, he still didn’t have a whole lot of control, but it was better than nothing.

James snapped abruptly out of his reverie as an instant message sprang to life on his computer screen.

EmBert17: Hi, Jason!

James stared in confusion for a moment before tentatively typing back.

JaggedEdge123: Um…I don’t know how you got to find out my name, but it’s not Jason. It’s James.

EmBert17: Don’t be such a kidder. You told me yourself just earlier today.

James felt the color slowly drain from his face. This was it. This was the end of the first real friendship he’d had since he was sixteen. There was no way for him to explain. No way to talk his way out. This was the truth, baring its ugly face once again.

EmBert17: Jason? Are you still there?

JaggedEdge123: …ask me what your name is.

EmBert17: What? Why? We just talked an hour ago, Jason.

JaggedEdge123: Just do it.

EmBert17: Fine, though I don’t know why you’re being so weird.

EmBert17: What’s my name?

JaggedEdge123: I don’t know.

EmBert17: Oh, c’mon. You can’t have forgotten already. I even explained how it works with my username…

JaggedEdge123: No, you don’t understand. I don’t know.

EmBert17: Eh? You’re confusing me, Jason.

JaggedEdge123: …I think we need to talk. I’m currently sitting underneath the oak tree outside the old dorm building. Come meet me and we can go talk in my room.

EmBert17: Okay, Jason. I trust you. I’m on the other side of campus, so it’ll be a few minutes, but I’m on my way.

James shuddered as her username vanished from his buddy list. The breeze twirled in small, taunting curls around him, and he could already feel his heart and mind racing.

“You trust me, you say…” James said with a quiet laugh. “I wish that I could accept that from you.”

--

Emily deliberately slowed her formerly rapid pace as the old dorms came into view. She did not want to appear too eager to see Jason/James, even though she really was. The whole name thing was weird…it made absolutely no sense. The boy who had said he was JaggedEdge123 had said his name was Jason. She knew it. But here she’d gone and messaged Jagged directly, and he’d said his name was James. Her roommate had snorted a laugh when Emily told her about it. Probably just a ruse so he can see you again, Michelle had scoffed, but Emily wasn’t so sure. There was something unquestionably strange going on here, but she couldn’t put a finger on it…

Her new friend shut his laptop as she saw her approaching and stood. He was quiet, following her with his eyes until she stopped before him.

“Hi.” Jason/James said, face expressionless.

“Hi…” Emily said tentatively. “So…you wanted to talk?”

“Yes,” he said, his voice hollow. “Come with me. I’m not much for public conversations.”

Without another word, he turned and entered the heavy oak doors. Emily hesitated—something was strange, very strange, but if she didn’t follow him now, she would never know—

Emily took a quick, reassuring breath, and followed him inside, feeling as if the whole of reality were dangling above her head, waiting to crash down on everything she was. She meekly followed him up the stairs and quietly entered his room when he opened the door for her. She glanced around, taking a quick stock of her surroundings. The room was mostly unremarkable. There were a few books around, a photography magazine, and a few other miscellaneous items, but there wasn’t much lying around.

“Do you have a roommate, Jason?” Emily ventured.

“No,” he said. “And my name is Jack.”

“What!?” Emily cried, whirling around. “First it’s Jason, then it’s James, and now—“

Her voice stuck in her throat as her eyes locked onto his. There was a light in his eyes that wasn’t there before, something malicious, something frightening, something…dangerous. Emily’s senses flared and her mind screamed an alarm, and she found herself backing away from him.

“Where are you going?” he said, his mouth curling into a vicious smile. “You’ve only just gotten here. Don’t you want to try and help me? Isn’t that what you came for? To try and save me by befriending me?”

“I…well, I want to be your friend. You always seem so lonely online—“

Emily screamed as he suddenly lashed out, his fist slamming into the wall next to her head.

“SHUT UP!” he roared. “You goddamn whore. You’re all alike. You all think you’re goddamn saviors. You think that you can save me with your happy little stories and false friendship. You’re wrong. You can’t save me. You can’t save anyone.”

Emily felt tears forming behind her eyelids as he roughly grabbed her face and forced her to look him in the eye. His eyebrows furrowed as if he were about to yell at her again, but then his face suddenly calmed. The malevolent fire in his eyes faded, and he stared at her terrified face for a moment before stumbling backwards in disbelief.

“God, no—I—oh, Lord, what have I done?”

He collapsed into his desk chair and cradled his head in his hands, his sides heaving as if he were sobbing, but he did not cry. There were no tears.

Emily felt her fear slowly melting away, and she tentatively approached him and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Are you okay, um…whatever your name really is?”

He laughed bitterly, but did not raise his head. “Heh. The question of fate. What’s in a name, anyway? Nothing but vowels and consonants, one would think, yet…”

Emily watched with a sort of sympathetic confusion as he fell silent again, his hands tightening their grip on his hair. She opened her mouth to try and comfort him, but he interrupted her.

“That’s why I asked you to come here, you know. My name. It’s all about my name.”

“I…I don’t understand.”

“My birth certificate says my name is James Edward Gluck. That is the name of the person you are speaking to right now.”

“So, Jason and Jack are nicknames…?”

“No, Emily. Jason and Jack are completely different people.”

Emily stared in confusion, completely lost as to how to handle those words.

“I suppose the best way to explain is to start from the beginning,” James said with a sigh. “When I was fifteen, my freshman year of high school, my teachers complained to my parents because I was signing my homework as different names—sometimes James, sometimes Jason, sometimes Jack. They thought I was being a prankster, and sought to stamp out the behavior immediately. My parents gave me a stern talking to, and it stopped for awhile, but a few weeks later I was signing different names again. This time, my teachers reported strange behavior in the classroom. Some days I was the nicest, most caring kid in her class, others the most vicious troublemaker she’d ever dealt with, but most of the time I simply didn’t care. I was apathetic to everything she said or did to me. My parents became concerned and sent me to a psychiatrist. I went through therapists like oxygen—none of them could handle me, much less figure me out. Most insisted I had bipolar disorder, but the medications only made things worse. There were even a few who proposed schizophrenia.”

Emily’s eyes widened and James chuckled a little bit and waved her off.

“Finally, a year later, a doctor finally realized what was going on. I wasn’t bipolar or schizophrenic—I was three different people. Emily, I have multiple personalities. That’s why I didn’t remember us meeting, and that’s why you thought my name was Jason, because a part of me IS Jason. That’s who approached you.. Not me.”

There was a very long silence as Emily gaped, and James watched patiently as her mind struggled to work its way around the idea.

“So,” Emily finally managed to say. “Which one is really you?”

“All three,” James said softly, as if he were ashamed. “In essence, we are the same person. We each have the same motives, the same needs, but we react to the surrounding world in completely different ways. Different personalities come out to respond to different situations.”

“So…earlier in History…”

“I was so shocked and confused when I realized that you were EmBert17 that all three personalities tried to dominate at once.”

Silence filled the room again.

“Well, that’s it,” James said suddenly, standing up and opening the door. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d prefer you get out of my life now as opposed to after you tell everyone you know that I’m crazy and tell me how you can’t handle being my friend anymore.”

Emily stared at him in disbelief. “What? Why? Why would I do that?”

James blinked. “Because that’s what everyone does. And, I don’t want to hurt you. Jack is very violent.”

“But I said I wanted to be your friend,” Emily persisted. “I told you that you could talk to me if you wanted to. Why would I back out on that now?”

James stared at Emily, and for a moment she thought she could actually see his mind at war with itself. She stood up and walked over to him, looking him straight in the eye.

“James. I want to be your friend.”

“But, why? Jack just tried to attack you—“

“James…”

“I’m really unstable—“

“James—“

“I’m a terrible friend—“

“JAMES.”

He fell silent and met Emily’s determined gaze.

“Why would I need a reason to be your friend? I like you, James. You’re kind, and so is Jason, and, well…I’m sure I can figure Jack out with time.”

James dropped his gaze. “…I don’t want to hurt you.”

“There’s a risk involved in everything, James. You don’t have to do this alone.”

For a moment, Emily thought he would cry, and then his face broke out into a smile. He grabbed her hand and pulled her out the door and down the stairs.

“What? James—what the—James, where are we going?!”

James laughed and kept on pulling her until they were outside. He flung his arms wide and breathed deep, letting the sun warm his face. The oak tree’s branches waved in the breeze, whispering in chorus with the passing of time.

“Look,” James whispered. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

Emily opened her mouth to ask what he meant, but the words stopped themselves before she could say them. Somehow, she understood anyway.

“Yeah,” she murmured with a smile. “It is.”