Everyone is always going on about how wonderful Romeo and Juliet is. They talk about how romantic it is and how tragically it ends. This is my version of Romeo and Juliet, as it would appear to people if they actually saw it happening in real life. To make it more like you’re just witnessing two teenagers act out their lives, I have changed the names so they don’t carry the automatic thoughts and ideas that come with “Romeo” and “Juliet”. Admit it. You hear the name Romeo and either you think of this huge romantic story, or you think of the teen-aged rapper. I have also put it in script format, just like the original. But anyways, here’s my story:

Jake: I hate my life! I just want to curl up into a little ball and DIE!

Michael: Oh will you shut up?! I’m so sick of listening to you complain about this!

Jake: No, you shut up! You have no idea what I’m going through! I am desperately in love with Maria, and she doesn’t even know that I exist!

Michael: Get over it. Come with me to the Sullivans’ party tonight. I’ll show you that there’s more than one hott chick out there, and you will get over this!

Jake: No I won’t! … But, will Maria be there?

Michael: Yes! Fine! Go to see Maria, just so long as you go and stop wallowing in your self-pity!

- Later at the Party -

Jake: I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I – hold on! Hott chick at twelve o’clock!

- Jake walks over to the hott girl -

Jake: Babble Babble Babble…

Hott Girl: Babble right back:

- They communicate a bunch of weirdo metaphorical stuff about saints and pilgrims that basically boils down to “You are an angel, I am not worthy, Let’s kiss!” Then they spend a little while making out. Michael comes running over and they pull apart so that by the time he gets there he cannot see that they were all over each other a minute ago. Jake looks around and Hott Girl is gone -

Michael: Okay, party’s over, time to go.

Jake: Who was that hott girl?

Michael: Dude! That’s Chloe Sullivan!!! Her family, like, totally hates yours! Pay attention!

Jake: Chloe…

- Michael waves his hand in front of Jake’s face -

Michael: My god! He’s Hopeless! Will you never get over Maria?! Maria, Maria, Maria! That’s all I ever hear! Wah, Wah, Wah!!!

- Jake starts to wander off, but still replies to this comment under his breath -

Jake: You only say that because you’ve never been in love. That’s right! And I’m gonna tell your girlfriend too!

-Jake climbs the wall around the Sullivans’ house so that he can spy on the hott girl, AKA Chloe -

Chloe: Oh this is awful! I’m in love! How could I let this happen to me?!

Jake: (to himself) Excuse me! I think I might have to interrupt you and say something about that!

Chloe: Oh but he’s so hott!

Jake: (again, to himself) Thank you!

Chloe: Oh if only he would make his parents disown him and get himself kicked out on the streets. Then I’d be free to love him! Or, maybe, if he just tells me that he loves me, I can do that with my family and we can be together that way!

Jake: I Love You!!!

Chloe: What the hell?!?!

Jake: I Love You.

- Chloe appears to have no problem with the fact that Jake, who is practically a stranger, who she happened to have been making out with earlier, and whom she had just unknowingly professed her love to, had climbed over the wall around her house and was trespassing and spying on her. She also appears to have no problem with the fact that this making-out, trespassing, spying, stranger had just exclaimed that he loves her -

Chloe: Hey! (Big smile)

Jake: I Love You!

Chloe: I Love You!

Jake: Let’s Get Married!

Chloe: Okay! When?

Jake: Tomorrow!

Chloe: Great! See you then! But that means saying goodbye. Give me a goodbye kiss.

- Jake gives Chloe a goodbye kiss -

Chloe: I don’t want you to go. But you have to. Goodbye.

Jake: Well, look at that, now you need another kiss.

Chloe: I could spend forever just sitting here saying goodbye to you!

- Pretty soon they’re making out again -

Chloe: Yu have to go. If anyone catches you here they’ll kill you.

- And she means because her father hates his, not because he’s up there at her window making out with the guy’s daughter -

Jake: (distracted by teenaged hormonal urge to continue making out) Uh-uh…That’s great…I’m sure they’ll enjoy that…

Chloe: Get out you Idiot! They’re gonna kill you!!!

Jake: (finally snapping out of it) What the hell! I’m outta here! See you tomorrow at our wedding!

- The next day at the church -

Jake: Chloe, this is my good friend Father John. Father John, this is my wife-to-be-who-I-met-six-hours-ago, Chloe.

- They shake hands and get on with the wedding. -

F. John: Jake Smith, do you take this Chloe Sullivan, who you only met yesterday and who is the daughter of your father’s sworn enemy, but who also has a really hott body, to be your lawfully, but secretly, wedded wife?

Jake: I do! I do! I do!

F. John: Chloe Sullivan, do you take this Jake Smith, who you only met yesterday and who is the son of your father’s sworn enemy, but who also has a really hott body and seems to be sinfully lustful, to be your lawfully, but secretly, wedded husband?

Chloe: Yes! Yes! Yes!

F. John: Then there you have it! You two are now officially married. But you can’t tell anyone! And you have to remember that this church does not recognize annulments or divorces and that you will have to spend the rest of your lives together, which, seeing as how you two are only thirteen and sixteen, is sure to be a very long time. But you two probably don’t need to worry about any of that! You just be sure and live happily ever after, all right?

Jake: Yah, whatever, thanks pal. (Again, distracted by urge to make out, with Chloe, not Father John) But aren’t you forgetting something?

F. John: Oh yes, you may kiss the bride.

Jake: THANK YOU!!!

- They start making out fiercely. The kind of making out that is usually followed by stumbling to the nearest bedroom, but, unfortunately for them, there is no nearest bedroom. This is a church people! The priest, being not all creepy, decides not to stay and watch them, and leaves the room. -

Jake: Remind me. What comes after the wedding?

Chloe: (very excitedly) the HONEYMOON!!! (Pause for kissing) But not right now. Come to my house tonight.

Jake: I wouldn’t miss it for the world! (And he means it)

- Jake is wandering around outside. Chloe has gone home. He runs into Chloe’s cousin Ben, who also happens to hate him, and who is exchanging not-so-friendly conversation with Michael -

Jake: Hello friends!

Michael: Hey! (Happy smile)

Ben: Who?

Jake: You silly!

Michael: Hey! (Huge frown)

Ben: No.

Jake: Yes. Let’s be friends!

Ben: NO!

Michael: NO!

- They go on like this for a while, then Michael and Ben pull out the swords that they apparently carry everywhere, except for in all the other scenes, and start fighting each other. -

Jake: Let’s not fight!

Ben: What are you gay?! (I have nothing against gay people. I just think that's what he would say)

- Ben and Michael continue fighting, ignoring Jake’s pleas to “just be friends” -

Michael: Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jake: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben: Oopse!

Jake: You killed Michael!

Ben: Like I said, Oopse!

Jake: Grrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Jake Spears Ben on his sword -

Ben: (looking down at his stomach where the sword is sticking out) What the Hell?!?!

Jake: Oopse! (Sarcastic)

- Jake realizes what he’s just done -

Jake: Oh Crap! I just killed my wife’s cousin!!! The good news is that now I have an excuse for avoiding family reunions.

- Back at Chloe’s house -

Mr. Sullivan: Chloe, guess what!

Chloe: Ooh! What?!

Mr. Sullivan: I have arranged for you to marry Thomas!

Chloe: Nooooooooo…!!!

Mr. Sullivan: Yes! Be happy. I just set you up with the richest man in our part of the world!

Chloe: But- NO!!!

Mr. Sullivan: You will obey me!!!

- Mr. Sullivan storms off in a huff without even asking his daughter why she will not marry the richest man in their part of the world. Mrs. Sullivan comes in to talk to Chloe -

Mrs. Sullivan: Oh Chloe, I have terrible news!

Chloe: I have to marry Thomas? – Yah, I know.

Mrs. Sullivan: No, Worse!

Chloe: WORSE?!?!?!

Mrs. Sullivan: Yes! Jake has killed your beloved cousin Benjamin!

Chloe: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Sullivan: YES!!! Isn’t it awful!

- Chloe bursts into tears -

Chloe: How can I go on?!?!

- Later that night, Jake shows up outside Chloe’s window and is invited in for the honeymoon -

Jake: I’m so sorry I killed your cousin.

Chloe: It’s all right, just as long as I have you.

- Then they get into the honeymoon stuff, which I will avoid describing for obvious reasons. The next morning -

Jake: I have to go. If they catch me they’ll kill me, remember?

Chloe: No, stay.

Jake: Okay!

Chloe: Go you idiot! They’ll kill you!!!

Jake: Going!

- It has been decided that, although Jake did kill Bob, Bob killed Michael first, so Jake won’t be executed, just banished. But if he ever returns to town he will be executed. Back at the church -

Jake: My life is over!!!

F. John: No it’s not! They decided to let you live, remember!

Jake: But a life without my extremely hott wife is not a life at all!

F. John: You just get out of town. I’ve got a plan. (Which strangely isn’t that his extremely hott wife just run away and go into exile with him)

- A few hours later, still at the church -

Chloe: So, I’m here, what did you want?

F. John: I have a plan for how you and Jake can be together again.

Chloe: YAYS!!!

F. John: All you have to do is drink this. It will make you look like you are dead, but you will not actually be. Your family will put you in the family crypt, where Jake will come to get you when you wake up twenty-four hours later. And I have sent a letter to Jake so he’ll know exactly what’s going on, and I’m absolutely positive that nothing could go wrong in this plan.

Chloe: Sounds great! Thanks!

- She takes the little bottle from him and heads home. Then pulls it out that night when she’s getting ready for bed -

Chloe: What if this doesn’t work? There are so many things that could go wrong. Oh well!

- She takes a huge sip and drinks all of it at once. Then she collapses on her bed. The next day her parents are horrified to find their beloved daughter dead, and on the day she was supposed to marry Thomas too! They plan an extravagant funeral in less than twelve hours and put her down in the crypt with all the other dead people without even embalming her or anything -

Jake: OhMyGod!!! My very new and very hott wife has died!!! I must risk my life and go back to see her dead body! But first, I must buy some poison from a bum on the side of the road so that, when I see her dead body, I can kill myself out of grief.

- Outside the Sullivan Family Crypt in the middle of the night -

Jake: (To himself) I must see the dead body of my formerly very hott wife.

Thomas: (To himself) I must see the dead body of my formerly very hot soon-to-be wife.

- Jake and Thomas run into each other both going to see Chloe’s formerly very hott dead body -

Jake: What Are You Doing Here?!?!?!

Thomas: What am I doing here?! What are you doing here?!?! You were banished! And the punishment for returning is death. I would be happy to carry out that sentence for you.

Jake: Oh crap.

- They fight for a little with their very handy swords that always seem to have just when they need them for a sword fight -

Jake: I must not die in this sword fight, so that I can get a chance to see Chloe’s formerly very hott body before I kill myself!

- Suddenly the fight shifts to Jake’s advantage, as his sword goes right through Thomas’s heart. Jake runs inside the crypt, finally getting to see Chloe’s body -

Jake: Oh no! My love is dead! But she’s not even a little bit pale. Man, even as a dead chick she’s hott! And now I’m just so upset that I must kill myself!

- Jake swallows the poison that he bought from the bum on the side of the road, and as soon as he dies, Chloe wakes up -

Chloe: Nooooooooo!!! My extremely hott husband that I’ve only known for three days!!! He’s dead! I can no longer go on living! So, how did he do it? Poison. But the bottle’s empty! What an ass hole!!! He kills himself and doesn’t leave any poison for me!!! Maybe if I kiss him, there’ll still be some on his lips that I can get.

- Chloe bends over and kisses him -

Chloe: Nope. But at least now I can’t say I never kissed a dead person. That’s pretty cool. I need something to kill myself with. (Scanning the room) Something to kill myself with… Something to kill myself with…

- She sees Jake’s dagger, not his sword that is always there when you need it, but his dagger, which, apparently, is also always there when you need it. She picks it up and stabs herself. A few minutes later -

Mr. Sullivan: Oh no! Here is the body of my daughter with the body of the son of my sworn enemy, both dead!

F. John: Yes, they were in love, so I married them secretly without your consent.

Mr. Sullivan: This must be because of the hate between out two families! Let’s just be friends!!!

All: YAY!!!

- And they all lived cooperatively together after -

Thanks for bothering to red this. I just wanted to show how ridiculous the story is looking at it from a real-life real-time point of view. I mean, it’s great for a fictional play way back in Elizabethan times, but really, it’s pretty ridiculous. They met eachother, fell in love, got married, were torn apart, and died for eachother all in three days.

But, so, anyways, I hope you enjoyed it, and please review! Even if you hated it. You all know how fun it is to get reviews, so please review my story, and if you want, I’ll review one of yours.

- You know what I just thought of as I was righting this? In the original, Juliet spends, like, five minutes trying to decide whether or not it’s really a good idea to take the potion that Friar John gave to her, and if she’d just drunk it without stopping to consider all the things that could go wrong, she would have woken up before Romeo had a chance to kill himself and nothing would have gone wrong. -