Today is cold, god. Yesterday was cold, this morning was cold, and this evening will be cold. I hate cold god. I wish I could go back in time and return summer. Our little cabin doesn’t stay warm even with the fire; warm air leaks out in between cracks in the wall. We all have to curl up together to stay warm. My threadbare nightgown and my stockings with holes in the feet don’t help either. Benny offered to give me some of his old winter clothes but I can’t take his charity all the time. At least we live in the South so it’s not that bad. But it’s bad enough. Sometimes I can feel the cold down in my bones, god. I hate winter! I hate the scratchy blankets. I hate the damp heat that doesn’t heat you up enough and only makes you sweat. I hate the straw mattress that presses into my cheek. I wish we could have the stuffed ones but they make Saul sneeze and break out into a rash. I hate eating grits everyday for breakfast. Mama Tezza doesn’t like walking back and forth from the big house to our cabin in the cold so the Missus lets her stay in a small room next to the kitchen; Mama’s cooking isn’t all that good.

Fortunately, there isn’t that much work to do in the winter so I don’t have to worry about work. Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen Benny in a while. Word around the plantation is that he’s sick with a bad fever. I know that it isn’t but I feel like it’s my fault. I guess I should start from the beginning. It snowed toward the beginning of winter. I’ve only seen snow once before in my life; it doesn’t snow a lot in the South. I would almost enjoy winter if it snowed all the time. Benny and I spent a glorious day playing in the woods. And then, the same day that the snow started to melt Benny didn’t come to meet me like usual. And I haven’t seen him since. Mama Tezza tells me that he’s okay but there’s something in her eyes, something that makes me worry. I shouldn’t have hit him with so many snowballs.

Please, God. Don’t take away Benny, let him get well soon. I really worry about him god. Most of the time he’s okay but other times he gets tired easily and the Missus makes him come in. And then times like now will happen and he’ll get sick for a while. Mama Tezza says that he has a bad disposition, or constitution whatever that means. I know the Missus tends to baby him while the Master treats him like an adult. Benny complains about it all the time. I wonder if that is what messes up his disposition, being a kid and a grown-up at the same time.