Spiderman Mac ‘n’ Cheese

by JamieBell

Inspired by Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, Spiderman, Albertson’s, my old teacher, Spam, Jiffy muffin mix, Daniel Reichard from Jersey boys, Danny Zuko from Grease, Hilary Duff, Celine Dion, the Dance Evolution video, Oscar Meyer, Napoleon Dynamite, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, Spaghetti-Os, Get Smart, and, most importantly of all, by the attractive man who smiled at me in the grocery store—

This is dedicated to you, whoever and wherever you are.

“Oy! Hey, buddy! My shopping cart, not yours!

“Whoops! Sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was throwing.”

“Obviously.”

“Lemme grab that.”

“Thank you.”

“Whoa…. Spiderman Macaroni and Cheese. Nice.”

“I thought so. What can I say? It’s the cheesiest.”

“Aren’t you a little old for food that comes in cute shapes?”

“Never!”

“Is it for a special occasion?”

“Come on now! Spiderman 3 just came out and I just finished finals…I am celebrating!”

“With your nieces and nephews, I presume?”

“Hardly. I’d have to have a very serious talk with my 17-year-old brother if I were already an aunt.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Yes. Exactly. Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

“Hey, wait! Do you like hot dogs in your mac ‘n’ cheese?”

“What kind of a question is that?”

“A very sincere one.”

“Of course, I do. Don’t you?”

“Haven’t you ever wondered what they put in hot dogs?”

“That question doesn’t answer my question.”

“Sure it does.”

“Well, if you must know, hot dogs are like Spam…”

“…You just ignore the fact that they’re composed of unidentified animal parts and go on with your life?”

“Exactly! You read my mind.”

“And yet you still eat them?”

“Hot dogs, yes; Spam, no.”

“How come?”

“Spam tastes nasty.”

“I’ll agree with you on that.”

“Thank you. You know, I once had a teacher who hated mac’n’cheese with hot dogs. Hated it with the fire of a thousand suns.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, really. He called it the ‘yellow death.’”

“Fascinating.”

“I thought so. Because I think it’s delicious.”

“If you think it’s so delicious, then why don’t you have any hot dogs in your cart?”

“Because I didn’t think to pick some up?”

“Why not?”

“Just because I like hot dogs in my mac ‘n’ cheese, doesn’t mean I always eat it that way.”

“Well, maybe you should go get some. Spiderman macaroni deserves a little something special, don’t you think?”

“You’re laughing at me.”

“Never.”

“Well, I’ve considered your suggestion and, if you’ll move your cart aside, I’ve decided to go get some hot dogs.”

“What a great idea. I’m going that way too. I’ll come with you.”

“I thought you didn’t like hot dogs.”

“Who said I was getting hot dogs? Can’t a man go buy some bacon to go with his scrambled eggs?”

“I suppose. Do you eat muffins with breakfast, too?”

“Of course. Blueberry muffins all the way.”

“Mmmmm… I like those too. With lots of butter and a glass of milk.”

“So… Have you seen the new Spiderman movie yet?”

“Actually, no, I haven’t. I’ve been spending all my time studying for finals.”

“Same here.”

“I’ll get around to it eventually.”

“Me too. Got your hot dogs?’

“Yep. Got your bacon?”

“Indeed. Where do we go next?”

“We? Since when are we shopping buddies?”

“I dunno. As of thirty minutes ago?”

“You mean we’ve been standing in the middle of the grocery store talking about hot dogs? For half an hour?”

“Looks like it. I’m having fun, aren’t you?”

“Strangely enough, yes.”

“Welcome to the wonderful world of buddy-shopping!!”

“Don’t throw your arms around like that. You might hurt someone.”

“There’s no one around.”

“You might hit me.”

“Never. How could I hurt my new shopping buddy?”

“You know what, shopping buddy? You know what I just realized?”

“What?”

“I don’t even know your name. You definitely don’t know my name. I just don’t think we can officialize this whole following-me-around-in-the-hot-dog-aisle business until we at least know what to call each other.”

“Fair enough. My name’s Daniel.”

“I’m Kate. Nice to meet you half an hour ago.”

“Well, Kate—do they shake hands where you come from?”

“Of course, they d—Oh, sorry.”

“No prob, Bob.”

“I thought we established the fact that my name is Kate.”

“I know, but it rhymes, see? Oh, never mind.”

“Um…You can let go of my hand now.”

“Sorry.”

“No prob…Bob.”

“See? Isn’t that fun to say?”

“Whatever. Let’s go get some blueberry muffins.”

“Lead the way, oh Fearless…Leader. My gosh, that’s redundant.”

“You’re not an English major, are you?”

“Very funny.”

“You are an English major! That is so funny!”

“You know what we should do right now? Since there is some very classy music playing?”

“You’re joking, right? Isn’t this a Hilary Duff song?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point.”

“What is the point?”

“We’re standing in a grocery aisle, about to buy some blueberry muffin mix, and there is a very classy Hilary Duff song playing….”

“So?”

“So…I think we should do the shopping cart dance.”

“Um…Let’s not draw attention to ourselves.”

“You’re a party pooper, Kate.”

“What can I say? I’m the poopiest.”

“Wow.”

“That…did not come out right.”

“You’re definitely not an English major.”

“Shut up, Daniel.”

“Sorry, dear. Have a box of muffin mix.”

“Thank you, dear.”

“Anytime, doll.”

“Okay, that’s enough of that.”

“As you wish.”

“You know what those hot dogs remind me of?”

“Not in particular.”

“My bologna has a first name: it’s O-S-C-A-R!! My bologna has a second name: it’s M-E-Y-E-R!!”

“Jeez! I thought you didn’t want to draw attention to yourself. What do you think you’re doing, singing that loud?”

“Not in the visual sense. I don’t mind if it’s in the listening sense.”

“I don’t think you’re making any kind of sense at all, Kate.”

“I like to eat them every day, and if you ask me why, I’ll saaaaaayyyy: ‘cause Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!!”

“I still have no idea what you mean.”

“It’s very simple. If we start dancing, people will know right away. But if we sing a crazy song, people will say, ‘Who’s that singing?’ Then, they’ll laugh and keep going. No one’s gonna know it was me. Get it?”

“No. All I know is that you’re singing a stupid song at the top of your lungs, and yet you deprive me of doing the shopping cart dance. How is that fair?”

“Oh, poor Danny. You know, I never stopped you from dancing. I just said that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn’t’ve said that.”

“Well, guess what, Kate? You’re going to see Daniel the Dancer right now!”

“Wow. My wildest dream has come true.”

“That’s your wildest dream? I mean, that’s logical, but really, you need to get out more.”

“I was being sarcastic. Couldn’t you tell?”

“I can tell that you’re not singing. How can I dance without some tunes?”

“People do it all the time in movies and stories.”

“But this isn’t a movie or a story. This is real, Kate!”

“Well, I know that, silly. But there is music. Celine Dion is playing right now. Are you telling me you can’t dance to Celine Dion?”

“It’s not that I can’t dance to her. It’s just that this song doesn’t have the bounce and beat required for the shopping cart dance. These are some very exact moves, you know.”

“Spare me. But I want to see you try, anyway.”

“…It’s all coming back to me no-ow…”

“Ewww…falsetto doesn’t suit you at all. Never do that again.”

“Told you. Now come on.”

“Fine, fine. Just stop wiggling your eyebrows at me.”

“Ready, set, go!”

“My bologna has a first name: it’s O-S-C-A-R!! My bologna has a second name: it’s M-E-Y-E-R!!”

“Sing it, Kate!!”

“I like to eat them every day, and if you ask me why, I’ll saaaaaayyyy: ‘cause Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!!”

“Ooooops!!”

“Hahahaha! Smooth move, tuna! Maybe you shouldn’t’ve pulled that can off the shelf. You know, since it was under all of the other cans.”

“Did I ever tell you what a beautiful voice you have?”

“Oh, shut up. You never even heard me sing until today.”

“True, but I still think it’s beautiful.”

“You’re making me blush.”

“Really? Can I see?”

“Hello…? Sarcasm…Get away from me!”

“Could an associate please report to aisle four? There’s a spill in aisle four. Cleanup on aisle four.”

“Who knew cans of Spaghetti-Os could roll that fast? Did you know they could roll that fast, Daniel?”

“Nope. Maybe the floor is slanted. You know, the leaning Tower of Albertson’s.”

“Either way, they’re onto us. We should run.”

“After you, dear.”

“Not again, dear.”

“If people see us together, they’ll suspect us. We should split up.”

“Fine. I’ll stand in this line and you stand in that one. Meet you at the front of the store.”

“Okay, but why are we whispering?”

“I have no idea. Move it!”

“Okay, be careful, 99!”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“Jeez. What took you so long, Dancer Dan? I’ve been waiting forever.”

“Sorry. I guess I put a lot of food in my cart that I wasn’t planning on buying. I just threw it in while I was busting my amazing moves.”

“If that’s what you call them.”

“Don’t tell me that you’re denying that. Of course they were amazing.”

“Whatever. You’ve still got a lot of food there, anyway.”

“I’m a man and an English major, Kate. I eat voraciously. Besides, I’m celebrating the end of my finals, too.”

“How eloquent! Why are you carrying all of those bags? Don’t you know that you can take the cart out to the parking lot?”

“Well, yeah, but then I’d have to take the cart back and park it in one of those thingies.”

“So?”

“So, that’s a lot of extra walking that I would prefer not to do.”

“Lazy-butt.”

“You have no idea.”

“Well, I don’t have much. I can take some of those for you.”

“Kat, please don’t undermine my Herculean strength. I’ll have you know that I am perfectly capable of carrying my own groceries.”

“Right. It’s just a coincidence that you’re bobbing and weaving all over the place.”

“Exactly.”

“Whatever. Give me some of those bags.”

“If you insist. You can have these.”

“Oooh…let’s see what Dancer-Dan bought today.”

“Uh…Is that necessary? You were with me the whole time. Well, most of it anyway.”

“Yeah, but you had your jacket all over your stuff.”

“Can we get rid of the ‘Dancer-Dan’ nickname?”

“Uh-uh. Nope. No way. I told you not to dance, but you did anyway, so deal with it. Oh…Oh no you didn’t…”

“Pardon me?”

“Oh, cut the cute act. You jerk!!”

“What did I do?”

“You had Spiderman macaroni and hot dogs in your cart the whole time!”

“Did I?”

“No. Of course not. I suppose they jumped in your cart by themselves. Why’d you make fun of me? You’re such a hypocrite!”

“Hey, Kate, d’you wanna go see Spiderman with me?

“What?”

“There’s a movie theater down the street. Do you want to go see Spiderman 3?”

“You can speak faster than that, you know. I’m not four, Danny.”

“Do you want to go or not?”

“With you?”

“With me.”

“Right now?”

“No. I fully intend to put these bags in my trunk first.”

“Well, duh. Fine, I’ll go, but you’re paying.”

“Because I bought Spiderman macaroni?”

“No, because you made fun of me because I had it.”

“I did not make fun of you.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Did too.”

“I just asked if you weren’t too old for that kind of stuff.”

“Same thing. You were insinuating that I was immature.”

“I just can’t win here. Is that it?”

“You got it, Danny-Boy. Now, pop that trunk!”

“What the heck was all that random dancing in the street? So weird.”

“His shopping buddy probably wasn’t around to stop him.”

“Oh, get over it. Also—my gosh—Kirsten Dunst is not my slice of tea.”

“I thought she was attractive.”

“Yeah? Well, you’re a guy.”

“Okay, was that supposed to sound so mean?”

“Oh, come on, Daniel. The girl cannot act. Surely you can see that.”

“Fine, she acts with the essence of plastic. Happy now?”

“Yes. By the way, thanks for taking me. It was really fun.”

“You’re welcome…Okay, that was loud? Was that your stomach?”

“Ye-es…I’m starving!”

“I just recently acquired some mac ‘n’ cheese and some hot dogs. Wanna join me?”

“YES!! I mean—that sounds nice.”

“Yum. That was really good.”

“I concur.”

“Well, Daniel…It’s been…educational.”

“Today was pretty interesting, wasn’t it?”

“I’ll say.”

“Who knew that when you walked into the grocery store that you’d meet someone as amazing as me?”

“Hey, Mr. English major, don’t you mean someone as amazing as ‘I’? You’ve got some crappy grammar, buddy.”

“Hey, now—none of that!”

“Oh, and yes. You really are something.”

“Ouch. Your inflection wounds me.”

“I? Wound you? Never!”

“Are you being sarcastic?”

“What do you think?”

“I’m still working on that. Why don’t you just stay there for a second?”

“Danny…Why are you staring at me? You know, I can read all sorts of conflicting emotions on your face.”

“So, you’re staring at me too?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Well, you’re staring at me.”

“I don’t deny it. I…uh…like your glasses.”

“Oh…Thanks…I guess.”

“Hey, Kate?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to be my shopping buddy this Friday night at seven?”

“Oh. I…uh…might have plans.”

“Really?”

“No.”

“Well, do you want to?”

“This Friday?”

“Yes.”

“With you?”

“With me.”

“At seven.”

“Yes, Kate.”

“I’m not four, you know.”

“I know.”

“Okay. I’ll go.”

“Sounds great!”

“I should get going, Danny. It was really nice to meet you.”

“Likewise. I had a great time with you.”

“Uh…You can let go of my hand now.”

“Okay.”

“Thanks.”

“See you on Friday, dear.”

“Fine, dear.”