Author's Note: Gutenburg was responsible for the Bible to be mass produced and slightly more affordable to common people. Dan Brown wrote The Da Vinci Code. Edward Murphy is believed to be the inspiration for Murphy's Law ('Anything that can go wrong, will.') Nietzsche was a philosopher who said 'God is dead,' and is usually associated with atheism. These are just some rough facts to help you understand the jokes and I DON'T mean to offend these historical figures... oh, Dan Brown too.

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There was once a verse from the Old Countries that went something along the lines of ‘jointus meriss ullis kaja hufua.’ It was known in a tablet of text that advised good-natured suggestions for guidance and similar effects.

Most of this tablet, which was considered ancient even by the ancient world, was translated and made into a book. This book was possibly the highest seller of all time until a man named Gutenberg came along (and then of course was topped by a smarmy man named Dan Brown.) Anyway, this ancient book, which was a top export to civilizations such as Babylonia, Ancient Egypt, Rome and to the people of both Olmec and Mayan lands, held a single mysterious phrase which was never fully translated.

Can you guess? It was ‘jointus meriss ullis kaja hufua.’

Many philosophers debated the translation. One philosopher, named Jimothy Arga, would say that the phrase meant something along the lines of ‘Trust not the graves of weeping men.’ This of course made little sense and was adopted as the true meaning by very few.

Another philosopher, Ancient Tang Kei Lo, translated the words to say ‘Good friends are fairly easy to find, good enemies are truly treasures.’ (His ancestors would go on to own a fortune cookie factory.) This seemed applicable enough to many and was widely accepted.

However, more philosophers, interpreters, decipherers, and just plain jackasses would come to argue this rendition.

A cursed man named Nedrick Numpford, (you must understand that back then, of course, countries were known for curses and hexes and all that junk that would translate into good horror movies centuries later,) would translate the meaning to ‘Dead men tell no tales,’ which is a very false statement that would lead to many casualties of mafia affairs.

An unlucky man named Florick Einzfik, who was cursed to carry an unfortunate bloodline (and was unsurprisingly a great ancestor of Edward Murphy,) firmly believed that the phrase meant ‘Cut your losses or die trying.’

A very irreverent man named Gonis Forflux, who was cursed to carry a blasphemous bloodline (and was unsurprisingly a great ancestor of Friedrich Nietzsche,) believed that the phrase did not truly exist.

And an unknown man at the time, whose name and terrible bloodline curse were never identified, would say (and this important, for it would be the translation to carry on into the Newer Centuries) the phrase meant, ‘Never accept gifts from strangers.’ This would prove to be the closest paraphrase of the original meaning, which unbeknown to man, meant something along the lines of ‘Never accepts gifts from the ground.’ The word ‘ground’ then was easily misconstrued with the word ‘stranger.’

This peculiar phrase would later go on to mean ‘Never accept candy from foreigners,’ ‘Don’t get into random people’s vans,’ ‘Don’t talk to strangers,’ and my personal favorite, ‘Listen to the Safety Dog, who comes to your school, to warn you about drugs and unfamiliar people.’

However, if the good people of Earth had known the real translation, (Never accept gifts from the ground,) the whole world would have been saved from a lot of bother.

Silly humans never get things right.

Now listen to the words of one unknown man’s great descendent…