October 18, 2006. My hopes of not crying this year were shattered. This time I don't even know what hit me, I just started crying uncontrollably. Its been happening more and more frequently now and I wish it would stop. At least the previous years I knew why I was crying.
The first time it happened I was turning 14 and all of my friends forgot about it. The next year someone played a trick on me by telling me the guy I liked liked me back, when in fact he had no idea who I was. At 16 i cried because a close friend told me that he parents were beating her. Last year I cried because I found the myspace page of a girl who I still considered my best friend but had been angry at me over a stupid mistake I made a year before. I sent her a friend request and she accepted it. For a moment I was estatic, and I sent her a long message apologizing for what I did and telling her I missed her. After she read the message and realized who I was, she deleted me from her friends. Thinking about how much I miss her still makes me want to cry.
But this year, I didn't think anyone could hurt me. I got plenty of new books to read and my favorite kind of cake to eat and I was in such a great mood. But then my mom left because she had to work and I still had so much energy with nothing to do. I felt like dancing, like doing something new, anything to burn off everything coursing through my veins. Then the tears came, so violently that they shook my entire body. I sobbed and rocked back and forth for hours, wondering why I was even alive. After a while the tears faded away, and I was left with a feeling of utter emptiness. I stared out the window and thought about what would happen if my mom came home and found out I had slit my wrists. Once in a while I would stop breathing, just to remind myself that I was still alive. I felt dead inside, no emotion. I was a corpse with no heart or brain. I almost wished the tears would return to cure the earie silence within me. Maybe I was feeling agony when I was crying, but at least I was feeling SOMETHING.
Eventually I drifted off to sleep and didn't even hear my mom come home and crawl into the bed next to mine.
I haven't told my mom about my thoughts last night because I don't know how to explain it. Plus, what would she think of me? What I felt last night was abnormal. I felt crazy. If I'm crazy, I don't want my mom to know it. It would be like I let her down. She works so hard to give me the best she can and I pay her by being crazy? No, if I am losing it, I'll keep that to myself. There's no reason for her to know.
Today's been better though. I've started reading my new books and they've been drawing me into their world all morning. I've been yelled at a few times for reading in class, but I don't mind. Everyone deserves a day to not listen once in a while. Now it's lunchtime. I could sit with my friends and pretend I care about whatever minute problem that they're talking about, but I'd rather write in this instead. It's sort of soothing, knowing that I could put this down somewhere and some stranger could pick it up and instantly know all these things about me. Things no one else know. This person would instantly have a window straight to my core. The things I hide from everyone. Maybe this peron would be a boy. Maybe he would read all of this and he'd understand. Maybe he'd fall in love with the girl behind the journal. He would go on a frantic search for the girl only known as isolophobia and wouldn't stop until he found me. And once he did, he would know it was me because he would see all the dark things I have inside me. And I would fall in love with him instantly and we could carry out a beautifly tragic love affair where we would hide from all the pain of the world in each other's arms. Nothing else would matter because we would have each other. But that might never happen. Actually, it probably won't. But it's nice to think about for a while. I often think about things that would never happen. I guess that means I daydream a lot. Its just nice to pretend your life is how you'd like it to be sometimes. Even if it kinda sucks when you come back to reality and things are just as they were, and no whirlwind romance has truly happened, the next exciting chapter of your life is right inside your brain. Lunchtime is over now, and I was so busy writing I completely forgot to eat. That's alright I guess, I could lose a few pounds anyway. I really wish I didn't have this extra pudge. But I have to go to class and I'd like to return to my book I was reading. I'll write more later.