Not-So-Dramatis Personae:
Titus, news anchor
Nasus, live reporter
Gaius, interviewee
Nuntio, sportscaster
Discus Thrower
Nubem, traffic eye

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Majestic, thrilling music sounds as the camera zooms to Anchor Titus.

Titus: Good evening. I'm Titus, and this is Channel LXXIX, bringing you the news you may, eventually, need to know. For tonight’s top story, we bring you live papyrus scroll coverage of the Pompeian area with our newscaster, Nasus. Nasus?

Nasus: Thanks, Titus. I’m here at the Forum, and, as you can see, stuff is happening. Please turn the page. (freezes in place)

Titus: (turns page) Well, uh, what kind of stuff, Nasus?

Nasus: (unfreezes) Well, officials “claim” that Mount Vesuvius has experienced a catastrophic eruption that “may” bury the city in scalding hot ash and lava for over sixteen hundred years. Needless to say, I’m not convinced. After all, these are the same officials claim that we’ve been to Gaul. And that the earth is round; can you believe the kind of nut jobs that get elected?

Titus: Well, what do you mean, “not convinced?” We’ve been getting reports of tremors, strange noises, a giant cloud, for the past several days.

Nasus: All right, all right, I see what you’re saying. We need to give a more politically balanced report (snorts), so let’s ask this young man. (Gaius runs in) Sir, please, what is your name?

Gaius: (panicky) Gaius. Oh, Pluto, I don’t want to die!

Nasus: Gaius, what do you think of the “catastrophe” (rolls eyes) that is developing in Pompeii?

Gaius: The ashes are coming! The ashes and the fire! They burned down my house. They killed my wife and children. They’re coming for me next! Ahhh! (runs away)

Nasus: Well, as you can see, Titus, public opinion is incredibly mixed, giving considerable doubt to these proclamations of doom. I’ll bring you more coverage when I can get definitive answers about this whole Vesuvius scare. Back to you, Titus.

Titus: (confused expression) Um… Wow. (to a person off-screen) Is the network really this desperate? I gotta tell you, the interns are getting worse and worse. Even the coffee girl's stopped…(focused) we’re still broadcasting, aren’t we? Uh…Anyway. So. Tonight with LXXIX sports news is our very qualified Nuntio. Nuntio?

Nuntio: Titus, we’re in the middle of an exciting discus throwing competition, and as you can see…

Discus Thrower: Oh Zeus, it burns! (falls down as the lava envelops his body)

Nuntio: Ooh! He just crossed the inner circle. That’s gonna cost him at least seven points. His coach does not look pleased.

Titus: (blank stare) Um, thank you, Nuntio. And, uh, now, let’s go to our traffic update with Chopper Nubem.

Nubem: Well, folks, we’re looking at some serious traffic jams all throughout Pompeii. The entire east block is completely on fire, and every street from the Temple of Jupiter to the western docks is packed with screaming, fleeing citizens. Expect a delay of up to two hours or... (pause). Hold on a minute, Titus. (pause) Well, what do you mean the engine’s clogged? (pause) All right, I’ll tell him.

Titus: Tell me what?

Nubem: Well, Titus, it looks like our chopper has taken in too much ash from the volcano and will be falling shortly. Our accident will probably add another half-hour of delay near the East Central colonnade. Hey Lucrius! See if you can crash us into that weird poet guy’s house! Back to you, Titus. (shouts excitedly)

Titus: (is caught drinking a bottle of wine, which he slowly lowers below the news desk) Thank you, Nubem. Coming up later night, is the House of Mysteries really that mysterious? How many feet of ash can you expect over the holiday weekend? We’ll have all this and more when you return to LXXIX News, coverage you can almost count on.