The Characters

DANIELS: A cunning homeless man. Very big in size and stature; almost linebacker-esque. Note that character must have a cockney British accent with a fake high-class accent now and again.

MATTHEW: Also a homeless man. Of medium size; smaller than both DANIELS and HARVEY. Note that character must also have a cockney British accent with a fake high-class accent now and again.

HARVEY: A wealthy businessman from London. A large man, but not larger than DANIELS. Note that this character does not speak.

ASHELY: Maid and housekeeper to HARVEY. A beautiful blonde woman in her mid- to late-twenties.

OFFICER MICHAELS: A police officer of no real significance or importance. Note that the character should have a mix of the high-class and cockney accents, establishing that he is neither in the highest, nor the lowest, social class standing.

OFFICER DAVIS: The same, only note that this character does not speak.

The Scene

London, England – early twentieth century. The stage is set in two halves with a large divider at center stage, running the entire length of the stage. A door should be built at center to serve as the front door to HARVEY’s apartment.

Stage right: A grim alleyway. The backdrop is of a brick wall with a fire escape. There is a flickering light post is downstage on the far right. In front of the door, there should be a foot matt and potted plant down SL against the divider. Eerie, green/blue lighting should be used.

Stage left: The front parlor of an upscale London flat. There is time-piece furniture center SL – a couch and a small table with an antique telephone on it, a book case against the back wall, and a gold or brass hat rack in the corner of the back wall and the center divider. There is a door along the back wall down-left SL, leading to a coat closet. Bright, indoor lighting should be used.

Scene One

The play opens with ASHELY, cleaning and tidying the parlor SL. Upon hearing the sounds of fighting out front, she puts an ear to the door. At the sound of keys in the door, she gets frightened and runs to hide in the coat closet. This takes place simultaneously with the following action.

HARVEY approaches his front door as DANIELS and MATTHEWS emerge from the shadows. They tussle off stage-right, where loud thumps are heard. DANIELS and MATTHEW return with HARVEY’s keys and begin to unlock the door.

The front door opens.

DANIELS: Nice digs, eh?

MATTHEW: Not bad, not bad.

DANIELS: (in a fake, high-class British accent) It shall do for the time being, I dare say.(The both laugh.)

MATTHEW: Let’s see if he’s got any grub!

DANIELS: Right behind you.(They exit SL.)

ASHLEY exits the closet wearing a long, button-up coat and a Sherlock Holmes-esque hat and scouts the room to make sure the coast is clear, then exits through the front door and into the wings SR.

DANIEL and MATTHEW enter wearing two of HARVEY’s tuxedos while eating caviar out of two small tins. DANIELS’ is too small and his bowtie is crooked; MATTHEW’s tuxedo is too big and he has a cummerbund across his chest. Clearly the two have never possessed any type of wealth before.

MATTHEW: Hot damn, this is the saltiest gravel I’ve ever eaten! Even worse than that stuff down by the river…

DANIELS: Hey! It’s food! Quite complaining – must’ve cost that guy a fortune.(He cocks his head to the side and sneers.)

MATTHEW: Hehe. Yeah.(He chuckles.)

Scene Two

OFFICER MICHAELS enters from the wings SL, looking around as if to make sure he is in the right place. He approaches the door and knocks loudly.

DANIELS: Shit! (He looks around and spies the coat closet) Quick, get in the closet!

MATTHEW: (Whining) Why me? Why don’t you get in the closet?

DANIELS: Just do it! (DANIELS shoves MATTHEW in the direction of the closet. MATTHEW runs the rest of the way and slams the door behind him. DANIELS winces, then clears his throat.) (In a fake and unnaturally deep high-class accent) Yes? Who is it?

OFFICER MICHAELS: Police. I got a call about a mugging outside this address. H.Q. said that guy looked pretty banged up.

DANIELS: You mean he’s not dead?

OFFICER MICHAELS: (Slightly worried) Excuse me, sir?

DANIELS: (His face drops) Uh, uh, uh – the cook!

OFFICER MICHAELS: (Very worried) Excuse me?!

DANIELS: There’s, uh, there’s a spider in the kitchen and she’s been trying to get it for the past half hour.

OFFICER MICHAELS: (Reassured) Oh. Okay.

DANIELS: (Relieved) Yes sir, that’s the whole story.

OFFICER MICHAELS: Alright then. Is there anything else you need?

DANIELS: No sir, we are all set.

OFFICER MICHAELS: Have a good night, sir.

DANIELS: You too, Officer.

OFFICER MICHAELS exits the same way he came on, only now he has a sense of purpose in his step, as though he did something very right.

Scene Three

MATTHEW exits the coat closet wearing a red plaid robe and slippers while smoking a pipe. He and DANIELS begin silently celebrating their small victory with champagne and more caviar that DANIELS retrieves from the kitchen.

Simultaneously, HARVEY enters from the wings SL, wearing a very tattered and dirty version of his former suit. He approaches his front door and reaches into the potted plant when ASHELY and OFFICER DAVIS enter from the wings SL.

ASHLEY: There he is, Officer – that’s him! The man who mugged my boss!

HARVEY turns around, confused, but is too sluggish and beat up to react adequately. OFFICER DAVIS leaps across stage and clasps HARVEY’s arms behind his back. They struggle briefly before OFFICER DAVIS incapacitates HARVEY and drags him back off SL. ASHLEY waves goodbye to the two and then makes her way toward the front door. She reaches into the potted plant, just as HARVEY had done, and pulls out a spare house key. She unlocks the door and walks inside.

While ASHLEY waves goodbye to the two men and makes her way across stage, DANIELS and MATTEW continue their celebration. They both end up sitting on either end of the couch by the time she enters the house.

ASHLEY looks startled for a moment.

MATTHEW: Hey, doll. Don’t look so scared. And get us some more champagne while you’re up.

ASHLEY: (She smiles) Anything for you, little brother.