Scene 1

Oliver’s Orchard

(Enter ORLANDO carrying a stick, and ADAM.)

Orlando: As I remember, Adam, it was in my father’s will that I should receive only a thousand crowns, and, as you said, thousands and thousands of crowns left to my brother, and the job of taking care of me: and there begins my sadness. My brother keeps me secluded at home, or, to speak more properly, ‘stays me here at home unkept’; but don’t you think that taking care of a gentleman of my birth should be at least a ‘leetle’ bit different from taking care of an ox?!

Adam: (As if to change the subject, to avoid being overheard.) Dude, quiet! Your brother’s comin’ towards us now.

Orlando: Go hide over there, and listen to how he’ll fuss at me.

(ADAM hides, and ORLANDO sits down and begins to whittle the stick. Enter OLIVER.)

Oliver: Hullo, sir! What are you making?

Orlando: (With accusation.) Nothing: I have not been taught how to make anything.

Oliver: What are you mussin’ up, then?

Orlando: I am helping you to ‘muss’ up that which God made, a poor unworthy brother of yours, with laziness.

Oliver: Then go do something worthwhile, and don’t take all day about it either. (Begin to exit opposite entry. Stops when ORLANDO ‘blows up’.)

Orlando: Shall I take care of your hogs and eat husks with them? What large amount of money have I needlessly spent, that you should make me so poor?

Oliver: Do you know where you are, sir?

Orlando: Oh, sir, very well; here in your orchard.

Oliver: Do you know who you are speaking to, then?

Orlando: Ay, and better than you know me. I know you are my brother; and, since the same blood runs through our veins, so should you know me. Tradition says that you are my better, just because you are the first-born; but the same tradition takes not away my blood, even if there were twenty brothers between us: I have as much of our father in me as you do; (Sarcastically.) However, I confess, you deserved his respect since you were born first.

Oliver: Enough, boy!

(OLIVER hits ORLANDO and they begin to circle so as to wrestle.)

Orlando: (Tauntingly.) Come, come, brother, you are too inexperienced at this.

Oliver: Do you dare to lay hands on me, you villain?

Orlando: (Poco a poco con più forza.) I am no villain; I am the youngest son of Sir Rowland de Boys; he was my father, and he is three times a villain that says Sir Boys begot a villain. If you weren’t my brother, I would not take this hand from your throat until this other had pulled out your tongue for saying so.

(ADAM intervenes after Orlando pins Oliver.)

Adam: Sweet masters, be peaceful: think of what your father would say!

Oliver: Let me go, I say.

Orlando: I won’t, until you hear me out. My father ordered you in his will to give me a good education. You have trained me like a peasant, hiding from me all gentleman-like qualities. The spirit of my father grows strong in me, and I can no longer endure it. Let me do what a gentleman should do, or give me my little share of the inheritance; then I’ll leave you alone and seek my fortune alone.

Oliver: And what will you do? Beg, when your thousand crowns are spent? Well, sir, get ready to leave: I will no longer be bothered with you; you shall have your part of the inheritance. (ORLANDO releases him, then Oliver says smarmily:) I pray you, leave me.

Orlando: I will trouble you no more than I have to for my own sake.

Oliver: You! (OLIVER brandishes a finger at ADAM, taking his rage out on his first target.) Go with him, you old dog.

Adam: Is ‘old dog’ my reward? I have lost my teeth in your service! God bless my old master, your father! He would never have called me such a thing.

(Exeunt ORLANDO and ADAM.)

Oliver: ‘God bless my old master, your father!’ Never call him such a thing?! Only because he was blinded by his hypocritical nobility. But is it so? Does Orlando dare to get in my way? I’ll cure him of his stupidity…and I won’t give him any thousand crowns, either.

(Enter CHARLES.)

Oliver: Charles!

Charles: Good day to you, lord.

Oliver: Good Monsieur Charles, what’s the new news at the new court?

Charles: There’s no news at the court, sir, but the old news: that is, the old duke is banished by his younger brother the new duke; and two or three loving lords have put themselves into exile with him.

Oliver: Do you know if Rosalind, the duke’s daughter, is banished with her father?

Charles: Oh, no. Rosalind’s cousin Celia, the daughter of the new duke, loves Rosalind so much that she would have followed her into exile, or die if they were separated. So Duke Frederick let Rosalind stay with his daughter.

Oliver: Where will Duke Senior live now?

Charles: They say he is already in the forest of Arden, and a many merry men with him; and there they live like the old Robin Hood of England.

Oliver: Do you wrestle tomorrow before the new duke?

Charles: Aye, I do, sir: and I came to tell you something. I have been told, sir, that your brother Orlando plans on coming in disguised, so he can fight me. Tomorrow, sir, I wrestle for my reputation, and he that escapes me without some broken limb would have done pretty well. Your brother is young and weak, but because of you I don’t want to beat him. But for my own honour I must if he comes.

Oliver: Charles, I knew my brother’s plan to wrestle tomorrow, and I tried in many ways to change his mind, but he’s like a stubborn mule once he’s made up his mind. I’ll tell you what, Charles, he is the stubbornest young fellow in all of France, full of mischief, always envious, a sly and villainous contriver against me his natural brother! So you decide what to do with him, I’d as soon you broke his neck as his finger.

Charles: (Very sarcastically Shakespearean.)‘I am heartily glad I came hither to you.’ If he comes tomorrow, he’ll get what’s comin’ to him. If he ever walks without help again, I’ll never wrestle for money again. Have a good day, your worship!

Oliver: Farewell, good Charles. (Exit CHARLES.) My brother is a very competitive athlete, all I gotta do is tell him about the games tomorrow…and I shall see an end of him!

(Exit.)