“God,” I breathed to the air. The sunlight danced around the porch swing that swayed under me. All the leaves were falling golden and the wind whipped chills up my spine. First it was Thanksgiving, Christmas, then Solo & Ensemble, the most religious of all holidays destroyed by one simple, nothing boy with a star tattooed to his wrist and dark gray eyes that became like a cleansing rain when he smiled.

I sunk further into the swing creaking in protest. Everything always fell back to him. Not even Thanksgiving dinner was safe from his dark gaze.

“So I hear you’re giving our little Ni a run for her money,” Uncle Robert winked at me over his slab of turkey. I inwardly shuddered, was everyone as terrible as Carrie?

Adam sucked his lips in for a second glancing down the table helplessly hoping it was somebody else. He blinked meeting Uncle Robert’s bright, teasing gaze. “I don’t know about that,” he spoke measuring each word with careful tension.

“Whatever. They’re tied for valedictorian.” I choked haphazardly on air.

“We’re what?” My words stumbled out breaking Adam’s eyes from his untouched vegetables.

“Yeah, I mean it’s kind of a given. He makes practically the same grades as you on everything. Our government teacher was bragging about it the other day before class. She was so happy to see you ‘put in your proper place’.” I knew she hated me, but enough to want my life destroyed? I chewed the corner of my lip begging myself not to scream. My mother was going to kill me.

“Wow, I’m impressed,” Aunt Eliza pursed her lips smiling, “I didn’t think anyone was as smart as Naomi.”

“Well he’s not just anyone,” Jeremy grinned as I felt my heart sink further into my chest. I was fucked. My mom was going to find out somehow. She always did. She kept running tabs on me with all my teachers and that meant, oh fuck. All of my organs constricted violently together as I forgot how to breathe. She knew.

“Please excuse me,” I shot up tripping a bit over my chair I ran, slamming into doorways stumbling my way out.

“Okay, Naomi, we’re going to make a deal.” She tapped her heel impatiently against the concrete as I sat crying on the ground. I was fourteen and absolutely pathetic. My mom was already talking about great business schools and “preparing” me for a perfect score on the SAT. “You graduate number one in your class and I let you go anywhere you want,” she paused pursing her red lipstick down at me, “ within reason.”

“Anywhere?” I blinked. I didn’t know if she was lying, but it was the first breath of freedom I had caught in years.

“But you have to make sure you alone are number one, remember that. There is no such thing as two valedictorians. One is always better than the other, understand?”

“Yes mother.” I whispered my mind whirling. Anywhere. It was a word made of myths. A word that meant my life.

The bitter wind bit at my face as my entire body rose with heat. I screamed, my heart bursting in my chest as I cried to the falling leaves and the wind biting at my cheeks. I felt my entire body shake, the scream blocking out all sound of thought. My lungs throbbed when the sound finally refused to come.

Then there I was. Creaking against a wooden porch swing with leaves happily dancing around me, selfish unto themselves, not knowing my freedom was dissipating before my very eyes into only a dream. Four fucking years I had worked. My entire life I had done everything she said, not knowing any different, but now, on the brink of my absolute desperation, my one shot of freedom within reach, it was pulled out with a storm of gray from beneath my feet. I had fallen before I had the chance to even walk on my own.

As if on cue my phone began to buzz against my leg, Rhapsody in Blue twinkled muffled against the pocket of my sweater.I sighed staring at the screen, an ominous Mother made my heart hitch in a beat. This couldn’t be happening. Adam couldn’t have happened. He couldn’t be real, but here was the aftermath buzzing in the palm of my hand.

I pressed the speakerphone, unable to handle her voice so close.

“Hello?” A knot lodged itself halfway in the back of my throat.

“Naomi,” I could here her plastic grin with the held tension in her words, “How is Jessica?”

“She’s-” I started mumbling a bit of my words.

“I got the strangest email the other day from your government teacher,” her words bit with each syllable making my heart stop in a sudden plea for escape. “I didn’t think it was true so I decided to wait until I talked to your father in person.” That was a lie, she wasn’t happy. She only waited this long to only verify her wrath. Nothing she did was undeserved. “Do you have anything to say for yourself Naomi?”

“I don’t know what-”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Naomi Walker. I told you to stay away from that boy,” she hissed rightfully.

“But he’s my best-”

“He’s bringing you down Naomi.”

“He’s second in the class.”

“I don’t care. He’s making you lose your spot,” my mom cried indignantly. I could practically see her heels clicking against the ground as she furiously walked around her city apartment.

“No he’s not!“ I pleaded desperately feeling myself losing grip. “Some new guy moved to our school and he’s really-”

“I don’t want to hear your excuses. I have worked too hard and too long for you to go and screw it up like this. Just because some new boy moves to your school and presents a bit of competition doesn’t entitle you to throw away all that I have worked for.” All that she had worked for. “You have no right to trash all the work I have put in for this.” I had no right. “I can’t believe you! After all I have done, you so close to graduating, and you pull this?” I chewed on the corner of my lip tears beginning to swallow my heart as I refused to look down at the phone for fear she’d be there in the flesh, her dark brown eyes glaring at me with disappointment. “This is just like you, Naomi.”

“But I haven’t dropped,” I felt the words fall from my lips without really processing them through.

“I don’t care if you haven’t dropped,” she hissed, the venom biting at my heart. “You are tied aren’t you?” Not a word came. “That’s what I thought. And as I have already told you, there is no such thing as two valedictorians. This is completely unacceptable, Naomi.”

“I’m sorry-”

“I don’t want to hear it. You will never get into Stanford like this, wasting everything just because you’re scared.”

“I’m sorry, Mother, I didn’t-” I wasn’t sure why I was apologizing anymore.

“You know what, I’m sorry too. Sorry I wasted so much on someone as worthless as you. I’m going to be keeping a closer eye on you, Naomi, so you better figure it out or else I’ll do it for you.” I opened my mouth, but the phone already rang empty. Call disconnected. My mother was gone again. Just like the nights before where her words still dug into my heart.

“Now I get it.” I jumped not realizing I had gained an audience. Adam leaned against the frame of the shut back door staring out into the grass ahead of us. Hands shoved in his pockets he tilted his head towards me voice soft with quiet understanding.

“Get what?” I sighed, I didn’t want to fight him right then. My mother had made me too weak, too vulnerable and broken to have any will of my own.

“Why you protect Jess. Why you have to be perfect. Why you kissed me back.” His eyes met mine as he pursed his lips knowingly. “Why you’re scared.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes you do.” He smiled wryly walking towards me. He stopped looking down on me with a twisted sort of pity. “You always have.” He sat down next to me causing the swing to creak again. And that’s all we heard for awhile as we watched the sunset in front of us over a tall wooden fence and Jeremy’s old trampoline. I could still feel myself flying through the air on that thing at nine years-old, the absolute master of back flips. Jer would catch me sometimes by accident and we’d laugh loudly making a very pregnant Aunt Eliza come out and shush us up with offers of popsicles and ice cream.

“You don’t have to listen to her, you know.” Adam spoke quietly breaking through the comforting silence that had enveloped us.

“Yes I do,” I sighed leaning my head against the back of the swing in sad frustration, not with him, but with myself.

“Why?”

“I-” I turned my head to look at him and it hit me that he was being sincere. His gray eyes asked for my story, not prodding or stubbornly like they had mocked me so many times before, but with actual care. “When I was little all I ever wanted to do was making my mother proud, to say ‘Good Job, Naomi’, a pat on the back. She wasn’t home alot, so whenever she was home, I was thrilled with any attention she gave me, good or bad. All I wanted was for her to be happy for me.”

“But it wasn’t that way.”

“No, it never was. She’d just shake her head every time I thought I had done something well, say she was disappointed, and force me to do better." I shook my head leaning my forehand against the palms of my hands. “It just got worse as I got older. The more I did to please her, the more disappointment. The harder ‘she’ worked, the worse I fell.”

“Why didn’t you just give up?” his voice seemed small as his eyes concentrated entirely on me. “If nothing was good enough for her, why didn’t you just stop trying?”

“That’s the sick part. I could have, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I hung on her every word. Even when my parents divorced and my mother moved to the city, I tried to fail a test to spite her. I tried so hard, but I started to hyperventilate on the first wrong answer. I couldn’t break myself from her. I went back and redid the whole test just to make sure I made an A.” I sighed chewing on the corner of my lip. “God, I’m so fucked up.”

“Just like the rest of us.” Adam smiled wryly hands folded together in his lap.

I watched the sun fall further as we sat in the quiet once more. “Adam,” I spoke quietly against the chill of the wind brushing against our cheeks.

“Yeah?” His voice was smooth, nothing hostile in it.

“What was your mom like?”

His jaw stiffened for a moment, his dark eyes penetrating the air in front of him, but then he relaxed just as fast, blowing out some air through his nose. “Crazy,” he smiled, “absolutely deranged.” His grin grew as he looked out over the stretch of grass and backyard in front of us. “She used to walk around the house singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of her lungs. She had every part memorized, even the fucking guitar solo,” his smile dimmed for a moment as his eyes becoming unfocused, so immersed in memories of his mom. “I mean my dad is a music professor at the college, but it was my mom who got me into music. She started me on everything.”

“Like what?” I tilted my head as I watched his dark eyes search through the grass.

“Drums, guitar, violin, saxophone, bass, even a little bit of cello, but she made sure above all things that I played piano.” His smile faltered, light fading from those dark eyes. “But when my mom died, I swore off the piano.”

“Why?” I touched his hand, restraining the need to touch his face.

“I pushed all the pedals and for a week after she died I refused to stop playing. All of her favorite songs just ran on repeat inside my head, but no matter how hard I pushed or how perfect I played, it all sounded wrong. None of the notes made sense to me without her there.” He smiled wryly, threading his fingers through mine. “Music was all I ever wanted to be. I just wanted the sounds to fit and when she wasn’t there, none of it was worth even the most pathetic harmony.”

That started our moment. Just one moment we’d have for right then. A moment where we both understood.

A/N: Yes this was editted. When do I not go back an edit something? I'm dumb I know, but someone told me the end went too fast and I wanted it to be good, so I hope this is better.

Again thank you for reading! I know I take forever to upload, but I really do have a very long list of valid excuses, then again who really cares. On the document I have this on, it's already 80 computer pages! What I really can't believe is that I started writing this back in August of last year. It was all inspired by a guy who I am practically in love with. He's not like Adam at all, and he's absolutely horrid to be around sometimes, but I love him anyways.

Blah blah blah, anyways, thanks for reading again and special thanks for those of you who have stayed with this from the beginning and/or added this to their favorites and/or still have me on their update alerts thing after that whole fiasco of me mass editing the story. Reviews would be greatly appreciated for this chapter because I think this one is really important. So please, if you can, i don't want to sound lame, but i would really love you so much if you did.