I wrote this for a school production a few months back. The language department was putting on shows in foreign languages, and my class opted to do our own television programmes. So, I scripted a mock Spanish soap opera set in Mexico – and this was the result. The Spanish version should be grammatically clean, but I’m not guaranteeing anything! As usual with my non-English work, the original is better, but the translation will have to suffice.

Original cast: John (Fernando), Kavita (Selena), Leighanne (Maria), Robin (Rosa), Jarman (Felipe), me (Lupita).

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Fernando: I like this restaurant, my love.

Selena: Yes, me too. And you have something to tell me today?

Fernando: Yes, of course. It’s something... important. It can change our lives, our ideas, our passions. And passion! It is the only thing I feel when I think about you, Selena! (loudly) There is passion in my heart!

Selena: Well, what is it?

Fernando: I have more McDonald’s hamburgers to sell. I like that thing those people call “trans fat.”

Selena: (getting angry) Fernando! Fernando! No, Fernandito, no, no! You can’t sell those to children and the people of Mexico! No, Fernandito, no, no!

Fernando: Shut up! Shut up!

(Enter Maria, a waitress.)

Maria: Do you want more bread?

Fernando: Shut up! There is enough passion here! We don’t need more bread!

(Maria runs outside, crying.)

Selena: That was rude! You’re a rude man, and... (Fernando reaches under the table to pet his cat) leave it alone, Fernando! You and your cats and “trans fat” and passions – what of me?

Fernando: I feel a little.

Selena: How?! What?! LOVE ME!

Fernando: Selena, it’s not possible to love you. You’re an angry woman, kind of like a fire. You speak as if you have a fire raging in your chest – like the French say, “l’amour brûlant,” like that. I don’t like that. I want my cats – they’re my life – and the hamburgers…

Selena: Behind every hamburger stands the devil!

(Enter Maria with handcuffs.)

Maria: Hamburger?! Where?!

Fernando: Here, here! Five pesos to buy it!

Maria: (taking a hamburger from Fernando) Let’s go.

Selena & Fernando: Where?

Maria: To prison!

Selena: (smiling) Yes, yes, good!

(Exit Fernando and Selena together. Maria remains for a moment, facing the audience.)

Maria: Finally! Fernando will be incarcerated and Selena will be upset, and me? I don’t know now, but there’s more to me – there are passions and the world’s greatest sufferings – and the aliens have loved me forever, and this puts suffering in my heart that hurts me every day, for every day that I will have.

(Enter Lupita, lost and confused.)

Lupita: Hello, Maria. Tell me, where is the queen of England? She’s supposed to meet me here now, and I have plans to steal her crown and dance. The queen is my grandfather, of course!

Maria: Um… okay.

(Lupita leaves in search of the queen.)

Maria: But there will be more! I will have a child in five months who will be the son of an alien, and I, Maria Elizabeta Garcia, will be happy and... (there is a noise outside of a squish, then a loud meow, and then Fernando’s pained cry) Well, later!

(Exit Maria. Focus on Felipe and Rosa, dining at another table nearby.)

Rosa: Thank you, Felipe.

Felipe: Sure.

(In the distance, Fernando cries, “I cannot live without my cat, without my Selena, without my other cats! Nooooo!”)

Felipe: They were idiots. Cats and trans fat, and what else do they have?

Rosa: Forget them! I have your love and your life and your passion in my body and heart.

Felipe: This bread is delicious, but where’s the waitress? I have vicious hunger.

Rosa: But you don’t love me? Are you thinking about my older sister?

Felipe: Ehh...

(Enter Lupita, alone, distracted, and wearing bandages and a crown.)

Lupita: I am the queen now, the queen of death!

Rosa: (surprised) Lupita, what are you doing here? This is my date with Felipe. He’s not your husband!

Felipe: I never told you that I loved you. I’m not yours, Rosa.

Lupita: I know that you have not forgotten me! I love you, Felipe! I’ll feel passion for you forever! (she pauses) Oh, oh, I think that I will die now!

Felipe: This is impossible! My life! My life!

Rosa: (cries)

Lupita: No, no, no! I am dying when I yet have life, when I have a hope of marrying Felipe, my life, my life….! I have a final word... or two...

Rosa: Sister, sister, tell me.

Lupita: Old cheese. I like it very much. You must put it in my grave with me.

(Lupita dies. Everyone at the table cries, and Maria enters with Fernando and Selena, both handcuffed.)

Maria: Don’t move! Everything is mine! All people are mine! I am an extraterrestrial and I am the owner of your souls! Bwahahahahahahahaha!

(Dramatic music plays. End of scene.)