Behind My Eyes

Summary-On the outside you see me as a rebellious tomboy. But, behind my eyes, you see a girl whose body is bruised and broken, a girl who has a crush on her best friend, and a girl with a secret so big it could kill her. . .

Chapter-1: This Is My Life

1. Rebel-Noun-To resist or rise against some authority, control

I guess that’s what you could call me. Hell, a lot of people do. My name is Rhuben Jackson. I’m a rebellious kid at heart and mind. I hardly ever listen to my dad. . .well, because he’s drunk most of the time. Yeah, I have an alcoholic for a father. A bastard of a father anyway.

I’m also known to have a cold attitude. Hell, that’s just the way I roll. Ever since the incident that happened 5 years ago, I lost all emotion. You want to know what happened? Well, my parents died. How? Well, that’s a long story too. And, I don’t have the patience to tell it.

2. Tomboy-Noun-A girl considered masculine in behavior or manner.

Yeah, I’m a tomboy also. Every single one of my friends are guys. Hell, my two best friends are guys. There names are Jayden Mulliver (15) and Cage Buckner (15).

The only problem with being friends with the two of them is I have the biggest crush on Jayden. He doesn’t know it for obvious reasons. I don’t want to be rejected by him like every other guy I’ve fallen for.

I have a baby brother named Liam. He’s the sweetest, cutest brother ever. He is a little genius too. Whenever he smiles he has this cute set of dimples that shows and melts anybody’s heart. He always carries around his laptop, bike gloves, and computer goggles. How old is he? He’s 7.

Oh yeah, Liam and I made up a band called Shadow of a Doubt. Jayden and Cage are in the band too. Our dream is to get spotted by the manager of a recording company and get our band to be famous world wide!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. But, why would a tomboy be writing in a diary? Well, this really isn’t a diary. I got it for my birthday by my dad a little while ago and he said that if I didn’t use it soon he would hurt Liam. I don’t want that to happen. Ever.

Liam and I have the strongest bond siblings can have. The only time we ever fight is when we fight over whose turn it is to watch TV at certain time or whose turn it is to pick the ice cream from the store. Lots of people at first look think my life is perfect. Trust me on this. . .

It’s anything but perfect. . .

I slammed my ‘diary’ shut at the sound of knocking on my bedroom door. I dropped the pen and got up off my bed, walking over to my dresser.

“Who is it?” I called, stuffing the ‘diary’ into a drawer under a pile of clothes.

“It’s Liam” I heard my little brother call.

“The door’s open” I called back, pushing the drawer shut. Seconds later, my bedroom door was pushed open and my little brother, Liam Jackson walked in.

Liam has pure white hair and electric blue eyes. His hair falls into his eyes, if he lets it grow, it’ll be down to his nose, covering his eyes. He always seems to have a smile on his face. The kind of smile that makes his deep dimples seem like it’s constantly there. When he grew older, he would have lots of girls falling for him.

“Hey, Rhuben. Dad just called and said he was going to be late” Liam said, flicking his head to the side, causing his hair to get moved from his eyes.

“Bar?” I asked, turning to look at him.

“Most likely. So, we’re going to be home alone tonight” Liam replied with a nod. Automatically, he and I looked over at my dresser at the picture that was sitting there.

Mom.

She died giving birth to Liam. He once saw a picture of mom and asked who she was. I told him. Then he asked what happened to her. I told him how she died. He clung to me ever since after that. Following me and my friends around. At first I was annoyed. Then, once I realized he was just doing that because I reminded him of mom, I never pushed him away, unless it was too dangerous for him.

“I miss her” Liam said quietly.

“So do I” I replied. Liam turned and gave me a soft smile.

“You look exactly like her” he muttered.

I really did. I had the same long black hair, the same smile, the same laugh, the same nose, and the same electric blue eyes. The only thing that made me look different from my mom was the lock of purple hair I had. Dad wasn’t happy when I first showed him. But, Liam loved it so much, he dyed a lock of his hair black.

See, I told you we were close. We’re so close, in fact, I can tell when something is wrong with him when he’s miles away from me. I know, I know, mostly this happens with twins, but we’re different.

“Ah, stop getting all mushy on me, Liam. Hey, I wrote a new song for our band” I said, mussing Liam’s white hair.

“Really? Let me see!” Liam cried, jumping up and down. I grabbed a notebook off the top of my desk and flipped it open. I turned to the right page and handed it to Liam. “What’s it called?”

“Refugee” I replied, putting my hair up into a ponytail. Liam nodded and silently read the words:

In fear I’m drowning
As my heart keeps pounding
Striking on the step
To hold on to what's left
Hold on to the strings of reality
Bouncing on my heel of prosperity
Me by myself with a gleam in my eye
Question it all wash by watching you die
So hard to see it all fall through
But it's too late nothing left to do

Refugee, I'm an enemy of your belief
Don't hate me, because I disagree

Release me from a world unkind
A world where the blind is leading the blind
It's so unfair that I can't feel free
That I have to be what you want me to be
Shadows of the past keep stabbing my back
Reminding me of when I slipped out of track
They’re wasting their time another morning dawning
A time when the restless keeps on doing it

Refugee, I'm an enemy of your belief
Don't hate me, because I disagree
Refugee, I'm an enemy of your belief
Don't hate me, because I disagree

Refugee, I'm an enemy of your belief
Don't hate me, because I disagree
Refugee, I'm an enemy of your belief
Don't hate me, because I disagree

Liam looked up at me and narrowed his eyes. “Is this song about our life?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He was subconsciously fingering the scar on his right arm.

“About our abuse, yeah. Dad hates us just because we don’t agree with what he believes” I replied with a slight nod.

I looked into Liam’s eyes and saw that small, crystal like tears, were forming in his eyes. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close. Liam gripped fistfuls of my t-shirt as he bawled into my stomach. I ran my fingers through his hair, whispering soothing words into his ear.

“He says it’s my fault” Liam whispered.

“What?” I asked, looking down at him. Liam backed up a step, wiping his cheeks and gave me a hard stare.

“Dad says it’s my fault. . .that mom died. He says he hates my guts. He hits me. . .he tries to kill me because he says it’s my fault she’s dead” Liam replied, slowly shaking his head. “But, it’s not my fault. It’s his. He had sex with her and now she’s gone. I wish I was never born.”

“But, I’m glad you were” I said, grabbing his shoulders in a tight grip. “My life would be dull and more painful without you here. Don’t forget, dad hates me because I look exactly like mom.”

“But-“

“But, nothing. I love you and nothing will change that” I interrupted, somewhat sternly. I winked and smiled at Liam. He gave a smile in return. A sad smile, but a smile none the less. “OK, let’s see what this song sounds like with music.”

-

“That was great guys” I said, turning around to face Liam, Jayden Mulliver and Cage Buckner.

Cage Buckner has messy light brown hair and ocean blue green eyes. He always seems to have a smile on his face and we get into fights a lot. He’s the oldest one in the band and is the smartest. He occasionally wears glasses but uses contacts a lot too. We’ve been friends since he came to my school in the seventh grade.

Jayden Mulliver has shaggy dark brown hair with olive green eyes. We’ve been friends since we were in diapers. He’s a couple months older than me and never lets me forget it. He has the greatest smile that can melt any girl’s heart, including mine. He is the peace maker of our group and acts childish. But, that’s part of the reason why I like him.

“Great music, great song” Liam said, putting down his guitar.

“I think that song is the best one you wrote” Jayden said giving me a warm smile.

He was twirling his drum sticks in his hands. I bowed my head and smiled so he wouldn’t see the blush rising on my cheeks.

“What was the inspiration?” Cage asked, setting down his guitar.

“The inspiration?” I repeated. “Uhh.” I turned to Liam with questioning eyes. He gave me a cross eyed look and shrugged. “Uhh.”

“I bet it’s because you’re a natural born rebel” Jayden said, snapping his fingers. “That’s it isn’t it?”

“Uhh, yeah. Let’s go with that” I replied, running a hand through my hair. I put the microphone back in it’s stand and let out a sigh.

For our band, Shadow of a Doubt, I’m the lead singer. I also play the drums in some of the songs and I sing duet with Jayden and occasionally Cage. Liam and Cage both play the guitar. And of course, Jayden plays the drums. Liam also plays the drums and the violin. Cage also does the turn tables. His DJ name is DJ C-Dawg.

All of us a great dancers; I break dance from time to time and I teach a class at the local gym. I’ve been teaching Liam in my free time. And another thing, I’m the only girl band member.

“So why am I the only one writing songs?” I asked, tucking the lock of purple hair behind my ear.

“Because we’re not the ones acing English class” Cage replied, rolling his eyes.

“Well, I understand why you’re failing. You can hardly spell anything right” I replied with a smirk.

“Hey! That’s because-“

“That’s enough” Jayden yelled as he slammed one of his drumsticks down on a cymbal. All became quiet. Jayden looked at his watch. “Hey, guys I gotta go.”

“But, we only practiced one song and we’re doing entertainment at the school event next week!” Liam cried, fingering a scar on his stomach through his shirt.

He always did that. Finger a scar somewhere on his body when he was upset about something. It was his quirk. I’ve been trying to get him to stop.

“I’m sorry, but I have soccer practice. Cage, do you need a ride home? My mom should be here any minute” Jayden asked as he stuffed his drum sticks in his backpack.

“If you don’t mind” Cage replied giving me a sheepish grin. “Sorry about this Rhuben.”

“No, it’s ok. I never asked if you guys were busy over the phone” I replied with a heavy sigh. But, I forced a smile anyway.

“See you later, Jackson” Cage said as he packed up his guitar in his case and headed up the basement stairs.

“Bye Cage” Liam called. “I’ll be watching TV, Rhu.”

‘Rhu’ was the nickname that Liam gave me when he was two years old. It annoys me, but he never stopped calling me that. I nodded and he rushed up the stairs to the living room.

Awkward moment: Jayden and I were now alone. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and saw that he was busy tying his shoe. Then untying. . .then retying.

“Do you mess up tying your shoes that much?” I asked with a teasing grin as I started to move the microphone stands to the

edge of the room.

“Um, yeah. Some. . .times” Jayden said, a blush coming to his cheeks. He stood up and rubbed his left arm, near his wrist. “I’m just clumsy.”

“I’ve known you for forever. You’re not clumsy. Hell, you’re the junior skateboard champ” I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

“Uh, yeah” Jayden said quietly. “So, I’ll see you tomorrow on the bus?”

“I don’t know. I might have to walk Liam to school” I replied, turning around to look at him.

“Ok. I was just thinking we could sit next to each other or something” Jayden replied with a shrug.

“That’d be cool” I replied with a small smile. Jayden broke out into a grin.

“Uhh, cool. I’ll call you later, ok?” Jayden said, picking up his backpack and heading towards the basement door.

“OK” I replied with a nod. I mentally kicked myself. ‘Man, how lame could you get, Rhuben?’ I thought as I shook my head. Jayden and I headed over to the front door and saw Cage sitting on the stairs.

“It’s about time you got up here” he said with a knowing smirk.

“Hey! I’m the one giving you the ride remember?” Jayden asked, shaking his head as he opened the front door and pushed his friend out. He turned and gave me a quick smile. “Bye Rhuben. Tell Liam I said ‘bye’. “

“No problem” I replied with a nod. I gave a small wave and closed the door behind me. I headed into the living room and sat down on the couch. Liam put his feet in my lap. “Do you mind?”

“No, I’m quite comfortable this way” Liam replied with a cheeky smile. I grabbed the remote from his hand nad changed the channel. “Hey! Do you mind!?”

“No, I’m quite comfortable with this show” I replied, giving him a cheeky smile.

“Change it back” Liam said, sitting up.

“No” I replied, pulling the remote out of reach as Liam lunged for it.

“Give it back or I’ll tickle you” Liam threatened.

“Puh-lease! I’m stronger than you!” I cried, grabbing a couch pillow, getting to my feet, and hitting Liam in the head.

“So?” he asked with a smile, grabbing a pillow and hitting me back.

With that, we got into a pillow fight. We would run around the living room, jumping on the table, chair, or couches to try and hit each other.

“What is going on here?”

Liam and I froze and turned to the doorway of the living room. We dropped the couch pillows as our jaws dropped.

“Dad” he gasped in unison.

He looked pissed. . .

-

“Do you have the science homework by any chance?” Jayden asked on the phone later that night.

“Is the real reason you asked?” I asked with a smile. I turned to the TV on the opposite wall and turned up the volume.

“No. My mom just went through the room. You know the rule for me. No phone calls while I do my homework unless its really important or school related.” I could tell Jayden rolled his eyes.

“So what do you want to talk about?” I asked, leaning back against my pilloes.

“I dunno. Stuff. There’s a skateboard competition coming up and-”

"One sec" I interrupted him at the sound of knocking. "I think my dad just knocked on the door." I set the phone down on the night stand by my bed. “Hold on!” I got up from my bed and unlocked the bedroom door, opening it.

In the background Jayden could hear the TV blaring.

"Hi dad!"

If he strained to hear, he could just make out Rhuben’s voice.

Silence met her greeting. Jayden tried harder.

I gulped. "Dad?" My eyes never left his as he moved closer.

"What. Were. You. Thinking." Each word was punctuated with cold precision. His eyes glittered dangerously.

I backed away, trying not to trip, my hands feeling for the wall that would inevitably stop my escape. "What do you mean?" I asked in a small voice.

He held up a ripped pillow. I hadn’t noticed the tear during my pillow fight. "You've always been a bad girl, Rhuben. I've been too easy on you." My fingers found the wall and I leaned against it, sinking to my knees.

"No" I whispered, blinking rapidly. "No. Please, no. Not now.” I didn't notice the phone, now inches from my hand.

"Oh yes." He moved closer. "You're stupid." He slapped me so hard it echoed. The force of the slap sent my head snapping to the side. I choked back a sob. "You're filthy." This time his hand clenched in a fist before striking me. "And pathetic." He didn't raise his voice, didn't have to. Each word burned in my memory, searing across my mind like fire.

A lonely, crystal tear made it's way down her face.

He stared at me in disgust. I could see it in his eyes and body language. "And you are such a baby." Another hit, this time by my stomach. His face twisted in hate. His cell phone rang, and he kicked me, hard, in the side before answering.

"Hello?" His voice was unrecognizable to me. After a pause, he continued. "Yeah sure, I'll bring it right over." He shut it off. "I have to go somewhere. I'll deal with you later." I hung my head, waiting for the sound of his retreating footsteps. I flinched as I felt something wet and warm hit my forehead.

He had spit on me.

"Pathetic." The word seemed to rip out of him.

I didn't breath again until the door closed behind him.

That was when she heard the voice.

"Hello? Rhuben? Hello? Are you okay!" The phone was inches away, on the table next to her.

Jayden! I grabbed the phone hastily. "Hello?" I fought to make my voice normal.

I felt something hit my shirt. I looked down and saw the blood. I put my hand to my nose and felt a warm sticky substance. My nose was bleeding. I hadn't noticed it before.

"Rhuben!" I could hear his relief. "What was that? What happened?" There was a dangerous edge to his voice. I struggled to think of an excuse.

"What was what? Oh!" I tried to laugh, but it sounded like I was choking. "I must have left the TV on too loud. What did you hear? Whatever it was, I can assure you, my life is 'not' as interesting as an episode of ‘The Long Way Home’."

Jayden gripped his phone fiercely. "Rhuben" His tone dared her to lie to him. “You know I can tell when you lie to me.”

"Family problems, Jayden. My dad's mad at me. It's no big deal." I prayed the hits hadn't been audible over the phone.

"The things he said. . ." Jayden started, his voice softer than it had ever been. I felt my heart skip a beat.

"I gotta go!" I interrupted hastily, unable to stand the thought of his unsaid words. I couldn't bear to hear the sound of his voice, not when it was like that. I hung up before he could say anything else.

I fell quiet, not bothering to wipe the blood or spit off my bruised face. . .